Paul Angelo - Three Years Later

Dear Marcia,

I gently held my breath as 9:44 pm drifted by this Sept. 27, as gently and briefly as I held my son 3 years ago. I still remember, I still remember!

With a visit to Paul Angelo's grave to plant flowers, going to Church this evening and listening to a wonderful, God-filled concert our family remembered together.

I am so thankful for all that I now have and am beginning to find the right room for all the loss that I still feel.

Thank you for being here to help me have a special place of understanding and to remember.

I miss him very much. I visit his grave often and leave flowers. His little cousin, born 2 months before him, is a constant reminder of "where he would be" physically and developmentally.

I have just started my PhD. I am going to write about assisting parents and grandparents with neonatal and early childhood loss. I would welcome information, support, etc. from parents and other family members who want to share their story and have suggestions for working with families. We will be conducting a large scale research effort for my dissertation as soon as we get it approved through the IRB of our university.

Happy 3rd birthday, Christian, and Grammy is going to try to help all the mommies, daddies and grandparents like the ones in your family who love and miss you.

I know you are watching over me, and daddy is trying his best, but the pain of missing you is just so overwhelming.

My son Jake died over three years ago from tratology of fallot with absent pulmonary valve. I would like to speak to other parents, as I still grieve for him everyday. Thank you.

I struggled and have since found my way back from the depths of grief and sadness. July brings such bittersweet memories to mind because it marks his birthday and anniversary of his death.

I remember the events of those few days like they happened just yesterday. I hold them close to me because they are the one connection I have with my son. This poem is dedicated to Sean on his 3rd birthday. I know he's watching in heaven and smiling down on us.

I feel weird writing this since my son has been dead almost 3 years. But I have learned something tonight in reading all the other heart touching stories. I have not yet begun to grieve for him.

I never gave myself the time to grieve for him. I can remember everything like it was yesterday.

On April 7,1996 I knew something was wrong when I got up to go to church. But being a first time pregnancy I thought it was labor beginning. Boy was I wrong.

It was just the beginning of the end of my son's life here on earth. It was Easter Day nothing was so suppose to go wrong.

I went on to church then had to go home because of the pain I was enduring. The family was eating lunch when I finally decided to go to the hospital.

I had already had a hard pregnancy up to this point but the doctor said everything would be alright. But everything wasn't. No one could find my baby's heartbeat.

The doctor came in did an ultrasound and got up and started walking out of the room saying something about the baby not having a heartbeat. I asked the nurse what he said though I already knew. I couldnt believe it. That wasnt happening to me. Why could the Lord take away my baby that had been wanted so badly.

Then I don't remember anything else until a few days later. Then I felt like I had to put a front up for everyone and tell them God just wanted him worse then I did. I couldn't even hold him by myself someone had to help me. I felt like I couldn't cry anymore. Every one said I had my own life to think about so that I could get well. I almost died, too.

Seven days later I layed my precious son to rest. People didn't understand I wanted to be left alone. And then when I needed someone to talk to they were all gone.

I even feel like my husband doesn't want to talk about him anymore. I have just realized that after 2 years I am still grieving.

I have another child now and I talk to her all the time about her older brother who is always keeping a watch on her.

I am just so upset that my family has forgotten him and no one wants to talk about him anymore. I will never forget about him or be too tired of talking about him..

Today is the day 3 years ago that my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our fourth child and though misgivings were present because our youngest son was only 6 mos old we were happy.

Also today we are going to the doctor to see our now 6th child on ultrasound for the first time. Since Joshua was born we have been blessed with a healthy daughter, but I still feel the loss of him in our family.

Our 2 older sons still still worry every time I go to the doctor that this baby won't come home those thoughts are mine and my husband's also.

When I gave birth to Sandra our 18mo old daughter they were so scared I wouldn't come home with a new baby that my then 5 year old wouldn't talk to me on the phone before she was born. After they looked at me and said "Mommy do we get to keep this or does God get her too?"

Today we remember our beautiful son so perfect yet too soon.

Rachel was the little girl I always wanted, I can still smell the Kool Aid flavored memories that surround her soul. I was only with her for a short time before my body gave me an unsolicited break and miscarried her somewhere into the Heavens.

I know she is peeking at us, Her Mommy and Daddy and two big brothers (5 and 3),and carries us in her heart the way we carry her in ours.

It is unfair that she is unable to share Christmas morning with us, that I will never hear her giggle or push her on the swings, that Josh and Caleb will never have a little sister to look out for, but she will be looking out for them!

Through the eyes of an angel she will be jumping in our laughter and swimming in our tears, and will be waiting for us to return home to be with her someday.

I know that Jesus sings her an ancient lullabye, and by now she must be coloring Him pictures that He puts on His fridge and talking His ear off, and asking Him to play dress up...Ill bet she's somewhat of a yellow/white haired little tomboy, playing baseball in pink dresses, and smiling at us in the sunsets.

I feel her everytime the tide crashes on the shore, when the breeze whispers her name, when the butterflies and fireflies try to catch me....She will NEVER be forgotton, she was a person who evolved into an angel. We love you Rachel,never forget that.

Love, US (*SMILE*)

I really enjoyed visiting this site. My son's third birthday is July 2 and this was a good way to remember him. (Ibrahim Mohammed Baldeh born 7/2/96 at 21 weeks gestation.)

The loss of my son affected my life profoundly. I have gone through the grieving process, and in some ways, I still am.

The only thing I've never gotten to do is share my story with others who have experienced the same thing. I live in a small town and support groups are not available.

I've known about SHARE for quite a while now. The information has been very helpful. I welcome anyone to email me so we can share our experiences and remember our children together.

A note to SHARE: thank you for letting me, and others, share our stories.

Honestly your site really got me out of my black hole I was stuck in, I had alot of personal grief from other recent deaths and the Nora's death just brought things to an explosion, thus I have taken so long to recover. But good news is I can talk about the situation now to people without tearful eyes!

Unfortunately I didn't make it to her grave as Tom had the flu so we are all set to go on sunday - I have two red roses, one from each of us - as she shares her resting place with about 12 other angels it is not fair to other parents to overwhelm the grave with gifts or flowers.

Well Nora's anniversary was yesterday, and I was at peace with myself and had no sadness, late even I took out her photo and gave it a kiss and wished her a happy birthday, shed a few tears and sad goodnight and put her away.

I think alot of sadness can be caused by "the fear" of what way you may be feeling on the special occasions.

I am so at peace in work, I work in a basement and there is a grass verge just on the way into the door which blooms with "snowdrops" - not sure if you have them in the States but over here they are the symbol of the miscarriage assocation, and were on the booklet I was given in the hospital.

They are about to bloom and I love to see them - they are also called "angel tears"......

Well take care and keep busy!

In 1997 I lost my Baby, she was stillborn. I have had many problems with this because I was 5 months pregnant and thought every thing was fine. I went in for a normal check up, and was told she had died. I just felt her moving the day before.

I went the entire night waiting for the surgery. I can not believe to this day that it happened. I love her with all of my heart. And one day I hope to give her the hug I could not give her.

I can not put this past me even with three beautiful Children with me. I wear a necklace everyday, which is about to fall apart. But the necklace has the charms on it of my Children 2 girls, Rebecca & Sydnie and 1 son Charlie. But in the middle is an angel for Sandra.

Please keep me in your prayers. I wish I could let go of this but I can't. My family I think are tired of hearing about it or just don't understand along with all of my friends.

You have to have been through this to understand. With Love and Prayers to everyone going through this. Missie

Noone will ever replace you or even think of taking your place. It has been a while now but you could never imagine the pain I still feel for you. I still cry all the time when I think noone knows.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago I got your ultrasound pictures out and studied them angel. You were so perfect. I could see your whole body, just like you were saying look at me mommy.

I will always dream of having another baby girl like you, but my life will never be the same til we can all be together in the end. I love you baby!!!! How I wish we could be a family now. It just isn't fair. I love you so much Angel. Thank you for watching over your brothers and us. Here is a special poem for you:

Angel I know this sounds strange but it seems so hard to end this when it feels like I am right here and so are you. I wish you were here.

What I meant to say is I know your spirits and memories will always remain but how I dream of holding you and being with you in the end. I LOVE YOU !!!! Even your brothers are learning to remember you too. Harley drew a picture at school the other day of you. He talks about you often WE LOVE YOU ANGEL. KISSES AND HUGGS TO YOU.

Going through my folders and there you were. I've been looking for you for some time. Well it's been 3yrs now. It still hurts so much. I miss him everyday. I guess everyone heals at thier own pace some sooner some longer.

I don't think we ever get over it as poeple tell me I will. I think somehow you jusy try to go on.With our losses held deep in our hearts. It's still difficult for me to talk about it. Does it get eaiser? I need support and to talk to people who've been through it. Cheryl

I wrote some time ago about my loss. My daughter.... How she passed on 28 Jan 98, and how I was pregnant again.

I did deliver a boy. Healthy, 8lb 12 oz. Boy! On Christmas Day 1998! Garrett Christopher. He has no idea, of the blessing he is. His blue eyes light my day. He is now saying words like " pretty" and "dog" ...

My oldest Alex still sometimes asks why his sister isn't here. Is she coming back, and why mommy can't have another. I try to explain, but I can't understand myself. I look at other little girls who would have been her age. I wonder, I think I always will.

The sad thing is, my marriage came to an end. My ex-husband couldn't deal with the fact that her memory will always be there. I could't always let go. At christmas, I buy her an ornament. For her birthday, I buy one pink rose. I can never forget. I was the one that held her and kissed her good-bye as she passed.

The irony is, my Garrett born on Christmas, the same year. Gods way of letting me know that I have a blessing, and need to be thankful for every day.

It still hurts. I have a friend who his son died a horrible death. Earlier that month, his wife had just had a baby. He asked me " How can God give him a daughter, and take his only son?" I could only say, that god didn't take his son, but someday he would have a chance to ask him.

My children are a blessing, they are my days and nights. I am thankful for every moment. I still have tears for her. I will always wonder, what she could have done. I can't second guess, I know that she is with god, and someday I will see her again. Until then, I have Alexander and Garrett. I have faith that God allows things to happen for a reason.

It has been 3 yrs since Samantha has left me. And this year on the day that they told me she was dead my grandpa pasted away.

I have had another baby since Samantha, and I almost lost her too. She was almost 2 months premature. They think the reason Samantha died was because of my blood not getting to her through the cord because that's the way I almost lost Brittney.

On Samantha's birthday I called Brittney her name. I find myself doing that alot on holidays too. And it hurts I want someone that I can talk to and help me.

I lost Samantha when I was 23. It was my first funeral, and I never dreamed it would be my child.

Some days I just want to be with her and hold her and tell her that I love her. When Brittney said mama I cried. I wanted to hear Samantha say it. I miss her so much I want to see her again so bad.

Why does it hurt so much for I just don't understand? Every time I look at Brittney I think about her and wonder if she looks like Samantha. I want her back so bad, but I know that I can't have her back.

If there is anyone in the Cartersville or close around that can help please email me or even on the phone i will give my phone number. I just need someone that i can talk to and help me it feels like i just lost her yesterday and i know i should be farther along than this.

From the moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I loved you like I have never loved anyone before. You were the most important thing to me in my whole life! Here is is almost 3 years later, and I still think of you often. Especially now, because I am carrying in my tummy your little brother or sister.

I have a feeling that you personally chose him or her as your brother or sister and sent him to mommy!

I never saw you on ultrasound, but I knew you were there, and you were real. When you came out of my body, you know how much I grieved for you, and still do.

I just met your little brother or sister today on the ultrasound, and it made me really think of you. I have't been here to the "cemetary" in a while to visit you and I knew it was time to pay you a visit.

Mommy misses you very much, and I'm sorry that you could not be a part of my life physically, but no matter how many children I go on to have, I will always remember that you were my very first, and even if it's 30 years from now, I will stop one day and look around and wonder how old you would be, what you would be like?

This is August, the month you would have been born in. You would be turning 2 years old this month. It's so hard to believe sometimes!

Well, know that I love you and I am thinking of you always!

Your Loving Mommy,

Jennifer

Due March 25th 2002 with your little brother or sister.

Grieving you since 11/25/1998.

We lost Samantha when we were 9 months. It was almost as if the world around me was coming down, and nothing seemed to matter. Samantha had some how gotten her cord wrapped arounded her neck six times.

I was all alone when they told me. I told them to check again becouse I was sure that they had made a mistake. But there was no heart beat on March 3rd of '98.

I had to run. I had to get out of there. How could they tell me my baby boy was gone. God, how could you do this? That's all I could say. (Why me). Why my baby? If you wanted someone why not just take me, I would gladly go in his place. But I heard nothing. But felt the worst pain I have ever felt.

How do I tell Dave? How do I tell him that our child has died? I went home not really wanting to face the fact that my child was really gone. I thought to myself that if I don't let them have him then on the 7th which was our due date, we would have a happy and healthy baby.

Crying all the way home tring to think how this could happen, and how do we tell our little boy that the baby brother we told him would be here in a few days would never come!!! How do you tell a child that?

That night there was no sleep at all. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to say goodbye to the baby and to all of my dreams for the baby!!

But the next day we went back and they put me in labor. 39 hours later Samantha Joie Gallerani was born. DO LET ME SAY THAT FOR FIVE MONTHS WE THOUGHT THIS BABY WAS A BOY but when she was born they all looked at each other and then back at me and said Jackie it a little girl. It's the little girl that you have always wanted and prayed to god for at night! It the little girl you have always wanted every time you went to the park with your little boy. The little girl that you have had a name for since you were 9 years old.

So there I laid holding the lifeless little girl who looked just like her father with all her black her and fair skin. She had her brothers nose and lips and my poor feet.

We went home that next day and had a service for Sam on the 9th with our family and friends.

I have found that life does go on, but the pain in your heart will be there forever. We now have another little girl Katie(5/2/99) who also looks just like her father & sister.

I try to tell myself that the loss of Samantha made me a stronger person and a better mother. But I know that Samantha in her own way gives me a helping hand and takes me were I should be.

I love you Samantha and always will love you. I'll see you some day .

Your mom

JACQULINE

June is one of the worst months of the year. I thought that November and December were bad, but June is just as bad, if not worse. I find that with each passing year, it is getting harder and harder for us to keep Elijah's memory alive.

Today is his birthday, June 21. He would have been 3 years old today. It is hard for me to begin to conceive what he would be doing right now, what he would look like. I miss him.

I miss him so much that it still hurts - like the day that we found out that he was gone. And that night when I cried myself to sleep in my husbands arms, in that small hospital bed holding the three of us. I still miss him so much!!

But since Eli's loss we have had our daughter and she is simple AMAZING!! We are all completely infatuated with her!!! She will be 2 in August.

Last year on her birthday, we moved into a new house, a new town and I started school fulll time--to become an OB nurse. So on this NEW road we have met alot of new people.

I have always been one to speak up right away when someone asks about how many children we have. "Our baby boy died when i was 8 months pregnant" Usually the response following is "Oh I am so sorry" and to my self, I just think, yeah me too. That you didn't get to see his beautiflul face, his bit strong hands and his attached earlobes, like his daddy. I am sorry that I never got to here him cry, or call me mommy or run outside" but I let the other person know how lucky we are and that she is very precious, loved and a pure miracle.

But with all of our new changes this year, most people have come to assume that she is our only child or commonly we hear " Just the one?" It seems now we have been assumed to just having her, so we can't just say "This is Isabelle and her brother Elijah is in heaven"

But today I want to do just that. I want to run around telling everyone it is his birthday, and that we love him, and miss him very much!! So today we celebrate him, and mourn his loss at the same time!!! We love you very much Elijah.

Entry #1, May 20, 02

I was 6 months when you were born. Your were 1 pound 13oz and so little.

I always sang to you, talked to you, pray for you, and you knew it was me, your mommy. I also used to put my finger on your hand and you squeezed like saying I know it is you.

I only had one chance to change you diaper, but I never had the chance to hold you and take you out of that little bed with so many tubes and iv's. Only when you left your body to go to heaven did I have the chance to hold you in my arms for the first and last time. I did't want it to end.

I miss you so much. It's been 3 years since you left to heaven, and it feels like it was today. I wanted you so much, and I was hoping that you were going to stay. But you chose to be our angel in heaven and take care of us.

Angel, Jay, Papi and Mami love you very much. I hope to see you very soon. I can't wait to see you.

Bye my little special angel,

Entry #2, August 23, 02

Our precious Baby Angel in heaven watching over us. It has been 3 years and still hurts so much. Soon we will be together forever. I can't wait to see you. I love you with all my heart,and I miss you more than anything.

YOUR MOMMY

I thought I would drop you a quick line to let you know I still come into the site at least 3 times a week. The one thing I keep forgetting is my email address has changed so if anyone has emailed me I apologise for not replying to you. Please dont think I was being rude or ignorant to you.

Below is my new address and my story is about my son, Joe Richard Mark Bauckham who died of hypoplastic lungs and oligohydramnious. Its been just over 3 years now and life is getting better but the hole my baby left when he left me is stil there and still as big.

Sorry if I put this into the wrong category marcia. If I have then please let me know, and I shall move it.

We found out our sweet Katlin had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome when I was five months pregnant with her, we were given the options of aboration, 3 surgries within 2-3 years, hospice or a heart transplant. We opted for the surgery so we were scheduled a c-section.

She was born 7. 5 lbs and was 21 inches long, she was so perfect and didn't need oxygen like they thought. They even did the surgery early because she was so strong. She made it through the surgery like a champ but that nite she got a blood clot in her heart and we lost her. Our sweet little lamb.

To my little angel. Although we were together for only 8 week's I cherished that time and loved you more than ever. I often wonder what you would like? This February 2,2005 you would be three. I will miss all the little but special thing's we would have done. Learning to count, say your ABC's; and just to hear you say I love you. Although God has blessed me with your brother's and sister (and one on the way 04-06-05), I will alway's love and cherish you. You will never be forgotten. Until that day when we can embrace oneanother... sleep tight and God Bless. I love you dearly. Love, Your Mommy ~ Miranda

You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby is always special just as your message shares...our babies are always remembered. Thank you for sharing that important message with our parents.

Marcia: It has been several years now since I last emailed you. I know that you have most likely heard this at least one hundred thousand times, but the positive approach I have chosen to use in my ongoing recovery process after losing my son, Hayden Chase Ingram, is almost a direct result of Share Atlanta.

I have learned so many things since I first wrote to you six weeks after Chase died, and that has now been 3 years and 3 ˝ months ago.