I woke up in the middle of the night last night in tears thinking about you and thinking about all of the time we haven't had together. I still miss you. Even though I have two healthy loving kids, I still miss you.

The anxiety me and your Dad felt while we waited in the Dr. waiting room full of pregnant women to get an ultrasound to see if you were OK.

The deep heart wrenching pain we felt when we saw the ultrasound and saw that there was no heartbeat and you were dead.

The lonliness as I laid awake that night before being admitted into the hospital knowing that I would never hear your cry or see you grow.

The anger we felt at how we were treated by the Drs. and hospital when I gave birth to you.

The sadness when I left the hospital without you with me and knowing I would never see you again on this earth.

It is amazing to me that four years later these emotions all rush back to me with such strong intensity and they are so vivid. I feel like I should be use to this week by now but for some reason I'm not and I still feel unprepared for this rush of emotions.

We will release a balloon with your name on it on Tuesday and briefly remember your Birthday but everyday you are a part of me and you are always in my heart.

Thank you SHARE for allowing me to have an outlet for these memories. It does help to know that all of you understand these feelings and have been there yourselves.

Although it has been 4 years since you joined Jesus in Heaven, I just wanted to let you know that I think of you always and wonder how you are and so much want to hold you and tell you how much I love you. I often tell your brothers about their guardian angel who is lovingly watching over them.

Please always know how much Mommy loves you and knows that someday there will a time when I will be with you to kiss you and cuddle you forever...but until then...I will look at the beautiful flowers and the pretty sunsets and think of you. I love you little Angel of Mine.

Hi, I'm Debbie. I had a daughter four years ago. It will be four years in less than a month. I was just over seven months along and had the feeling that something wasn't quite right. My weight was too low, and I thought the ultrasound dates based on the babies size were off.

Unfortunately, I was right I found Sarah's heartrate with my own stethoscope, at between fifty and sixty beats per minute. I knew immediately that there was no chance.

The next ultrasound confirmed this, and I went to the IWK-Grace Hospital which specialises in OBS-GYN. I had a fabulous group of people to care for me.

I am a nurse myself and that became a valuable asset when dealing with a husband who does not cope well with grief and for myself. I am glad we all got through it OK.

He still does not like to talk about it, but I tend to be the opposite, I was pried open, peeled back and not too much puts me out at all any more.

My little girl was born at three thirty am weighing only 14 oz. She looked like our other daughter, Jeanne. She had hands like me and ears like my husband. Internally her heart did not develope properly and as a consequence she was hydracephalic and her kidneys were aplastic and her brain barely developed at all.

The problems she had were there by seven weeks gestation, and it is miraculous that she developed as far as she did. I was as in awe of her as I was with Jeanne when she was born. What people have a hard time understanding sometimes is that you bond with a stillborn child as much as with a live child.

When someone asks how many children I have I think three( we have a son now too) and I say two. I had a dream about my Sarah when she would have been three months old. She was sitting in a baby recliner with a little lacy white outfit on and she was chewing her fingers and gooing and she looked directly at me and smiled.

I came to accept that while I would always be her mom, I just couldn't have her every day to raise. I still dream of her a couple of times a year. She has light hair, very thin and straight like mine and she has a small face, like her sister and eyes like her brother. She always looks happy and she is safe.

I can honestly say she has had an impact on my life. The things that used to upset me don't anymore. I can thank her for a great deal.

I lost a lot in those three years since I was not able to understand what I was going though. I lost a friend and almost lost my Dear hubby since I was so angry at the world and God for taking my baby away. It has been a long road, but things are working out now.

I just lost another one back in May, but knowing what I know now, I am dealing with it a lot better and getting on with my life.

Please remember that the loss of a child is the worst loss in anyone's life, but God and your baby do want you to go on.

When Damon passed away, there was no way to describe how I felt. The pain was intense, burning, searing, I felt like I was filled with fire. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't find the energy.

That was how I felt on his first birthday. I went to see my baby boy, I made him a wreath, and I talked to him. I told him how much I missed him, and how I can't wait to see him again.

For Damon's second birthday, I couldn't bring myself to go to the cemetary. I felt bad, I felt like I HAD to go to see him. But I couldn't. To this day I still feel bad.

For my son't third birthday, I prayed for him. I still didn't go to see him. Going to the cemetary reminded me that he was gone, and in my own mind he is never gone. I hate going to the cemetary, I want to think of my baby as healthy, happy and alive wherever he is, even if it is in my own mind.

I think this year I will go to see him though. Mommy wants to say hello, and tell her boy that she remembers him.

My story begins in October 1995 when I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend and I had been living together for 5 years but this was very unexpected.

Five weeks later we were married and very excited about the arrival of our first child. I was very worried about my baby right from the beginning, with thoughts that something was wrong.

My thoughts were proven correct when at 24 weeks I had a show which prompted my doctor to send me for an ultrasound. As soon as the image came on the screen I could see that my babys heart was not beating.

Devastation struck me like a truck. It all happened so quickley, being sent into hospital that night and induced labour the next morning.

I went though 18 1/2 hours of labour and Ashley was born at 2.25am. I was not allowed to see her as she had died a few weeks prior. I thought I had felt her all that time but was told it was only her moving when I moved.

I can only imagine now what she would have looked like and I think that is one of the most painful things a mother can imagine. To hold her in my arms, to smell her hair and count her toes and fingers is all I long for.

Its now nearly four years since my angel went to heaven and I now have a 3 year old son Michael who was 11 weeks early and who I treasure with all my heart. I know that Ashley is in heavan with her grandfather and watches over her little brother and that I will be with her one day.

Thats Ashley's story and I hope that it can help someone through their grief and to realise that your not alone and that one day things will get a little easier but we will never forget.

...that first appeared in July of 1998 in the neonatal death catagory. It is now the anniversary week of Holly's fourth birth and death day. I would like to say that I have healed completely and moved on with my life but that would be a lie.

The month of January is so devastating for me that I wish we could go right from December to February. I spend these weeks lost in the past and reliving day by day the events of her tragic arrival.

Due to all the problems surrounding her birth and death we sought legal counsel and finally this past spring settled that issue out of court. As with all things in the legal realm there is no expediency so it took 3 1/2 years to finish the case. I don't know that I would choose this avenue again as it really brought me no peace of mind and it didn't answer any of my questions as to what really went wrong that day in January 1996.

God is my rock and to Him I cling but grief and healing are complicated things. By the grace of God I get through this time of year.

My husband and I recently celebrated our 18th Anniversary and we were talking on the way home from dinner how we think about Holly each and every day and what a void there is in our lives without her.

We love and hold our other two children dear but a piece of the family is missing and her absence is clearly felt by all of us. I would like to hear from other moms who have been at this grieving process for years. Does it ever grow dim and the pain subside or do anniversary times always reopen the wounds and make it hurt fresh again?

It has been awhile since I have had contact with anyone from Share-Atlanta. I want each and everyone of you to know how grateful I am to have you. Without you I could not have "found my spirit" so to speak. For those of you who do not know me, I will give you a brief history as well as an update.

It will be 4 years on April 26, that I lost my precious baby angel. Her name was "Holly". She was named for my mother who had died when I was eleven. This would be the only thing I could give her from "Mamma" as I have few personal belongings of hers.

I was 391/2 weeks when Holly died due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. We had experienced infertiltiy and had to go through artificial insemination to get pregnant with her.

I felt I had died 1000 deaths when they told me she had died. Pregnancy was not the easiest thing for us as a couple to achieve, so therefore I had my doubts it would happen again.

I was induced at 8:30 a.m. and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen, but in such a short time it was time to let her go. No, I was not ready. I don't know if you are ever ready. To this day I still cry for her. I know one day I will reunite with her.

Five and half months later I had a dream(vision) whatever you want to call it. An adult female angel came to me. Maybe it was my mom. She was holding a beautiful baby girl in her arms. The angel told me "my baby would be fine not to worry, "she" would come on time and in perfect health.

At first I thought she was talking about "Holly", but I realized a week later I was pregnant with my second child. It was at that moment I realized the angel was indeed holding "Holly" and talking about the baby I was carrying, much to my surprise.

My second pregnancy was worry free because of that vision. On June 3rd at 4:12 p.m. We gave birth to another beautiful baby girl. Her name is Emily Rebecca. She will be 3 in June. I always listen and pay attention to all the visions I have.

In February of 2000 we found out we were expecting again, but unfortunately we lost that baby to miscarriage on May of 2000 and we experienced another miscarriage in October of 2000 as well. I think we have just about experienced everything we want to with having babies (Infertility,stillbitth, live birth, and miscarriage).

I never knew just how hard miscarriage was, unitl I had gone through it. It pains me as much as the stillbirth knowing my babies are not with me.

Someone asked me once how I keep it together, and I told her "I had too much living to do" I have done my grieving for my baby angels and now I must do my living for Emily. She had brought me so much love and joy it's so hard to be sad.

After all she was the miracle that survived. What a blessing I have to celebrate each and every day. I asked her one day who she was talking to (we were the only ones at home) and she said matter of factly "my sisters mommy". Who knows maybe she was. I doubt nothing anymore.

I hope I have offered some comfort to you. I can't tell you how much comfort you all have given me. The articles keep me going.

My love to all

Barbie Clement

I just want someone I can talk to that lives close to Cartersville or Marietta. I really need someone to talk to it's been 4 years since I lost Samantha and I really think I should be further along in my grief than I am right now. I will give my number to anyone that will talk to me and help me. I hope to hear from someone.

It's been almost 4 years since you left and it is so hard to for me been without you. I miss you more and more every day. I want to be with you. My life; my heart has an empty space. A space that will never be filled with nothing. It's so sad to be without you in birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, family reunions, trips, Dysney. We know you are there with us, but I would like to see you with us. I know it's imposible but I can't help it. One day we will be together forever - all of us. I love you so much.

Second Entry March 26, 2003

Hi Marcia, I'm not sure where this goes hence not filling in all the boxes, but I thought I'd share some nice news with you all.

On July 30th 2003, I gave birth to a little girl who I named Mollie. Even thought she is the 2nd baby I have had since I lost my son, Joe, I was stil very very scared and totally convinced myself, as i did with jack,that something would go wrong. Thankfully it didn't and she is thriving.

I've just had Joe's 4th birthday and anniversary go past, and it broke my heart as he should have started school but it wasn't meant to be.

So I'll concentrate on Mollie and the other 4.

And to all you brave ladies - it takes a lot of guts to put into writing what you really feel yet at the same time its easier than saying it. My heart goes out to you all and my thoughts are with you.

Thanks Marcia, much love to you.

Chloe was my surprise millenium baby. My other two 'babies' were 6 and 10 at the time so you can imagine how excited they were too. They chose the baby clothes, the bath and buggy.

I went for ultrasound scans every month. I bled quite heavily during the first month but after that the pregnancy continued without hassle.

I went passed my due date. Then went to hospital with contractions which stopped soon after my arrival at the labour ward. I was sent to the ante-natal ward to rest but by 10 that night my contractions started with a vengeance.

I was rushed into the labour ward where I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I remember looking down and just seeing this dark head of wavey hair. I was so emotional, I cried louder than the baby.

In fact they took her from the room to give her 'suction' because she whined when she was born. We went to the post-natal department and Chloe was swaddled in her cot. I remember feeling her face and it felt cold so I held her in my arms to keep her warm and that is where she stayed.

I kept telling the nurses that she wasn't drinking properly and she kept bringing up water but they didn't seem concerned. They sent us home the following day even though Chloe still wasn't drinking properly.

My other children didn't leave her side. My sports crazy elder daughter lay on the bed hugging Chloe watching volleyball on television. Chloe stayed at home with us for 9 hours, long enough for her to visit every room.

I was very concerned that she still wasn't drinking properly so we took her back to the hospital where it went from bad to worse.

At first we were told she probably had a throat infection but with her being so young she would have to go to the children's department. On arriving there we were sent out of the room. We were informed afterwards that Chloe had been given a lumber puncture to test for meningitis which they confirmed she didn't have.

Standing outside in the corridor for my baby, that was the last time I heard her cry. When they brought her back to me she was staring into my eyes.

Wwe were sent to the special care baby unit. They took her from me then sent me home. Everything seemed so unreal. I don't think anything was registering in my mind.

I returned to the hospital the following morning. I was told that they thought Chloe had a missing enzyme and that she was going to die.

I went into denial immediately. Babies don't just die like that anymore not with all this modern technology, but of course they do.

On Friday 19th May 2000, my beautiful little baby died in my arms.

The pain was so bad I couldn't even cry. I moaned and moaned, rocking her in my arms. I gave her a bath and dressed her all in white.

My eldest daughter was so distraight she couldn't come with me, but my son was so brave, he held Chloe in his arms to say good-bye to her. He even put her shoes on.

The pain of losing a baby is indescribable.

People said things like I could have another baby. This was said to make me feel better but it had the opposite effect. Chloe was my baby. I wanted her. She couldn't be disposed of like that and replaced.

Some people said I should be relieved that I lost her at thirteen days, it would have been more painful if she'd been older. At the time I couldn't respond. At that moment I was so numb everything simply went over my head.

It's not only losing a precious child that we have to face but getting on with life afterwards that seems impossible. A loss at whatever age is painful. It cannot and shouldn't be measured.

I went to the cemetary everyday for the first six months. I believed I was having a bad dream and that eventually I was going to wake up and Chloe would be there. Sometimes I even imagined I could see her in the cot.

When I finally gained the courage to dismantle the cot I sobbed my heart out.

Chloe would have been four and a half years old now. Not a single day passes when I don't think about her. She is in my heart always and forever.

It is true that time is the greatest healer. We will never forget, and we'll never stop loving but the pain isn't so raw. Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to share a little bit of Chloe with you.

Marcia's thoughts: Damaris, this is a beautifully shared memorial to your lovely daughter Chloe Gabriella. I felt as though I had met both her and your family as I read through it. The pain you felt is there but so is the wonder and love your felt for Chloe.

People do not know the pain..they can not know the pain we feel. They say things to make themselves feel better and, I believe, they hope we will. We talk about this in our group so very much. We have an entire group meeting about Grief and Relationships.

We heal, but we never forget. You have given much meaning to Chloe's presence in your family. I believe this is very important. We honor our child and we help our family appreciate that every person is special...no manner how long they are physically with us. They will be forever in our hearts and our souls. Thank you for sharing your story.

Marcia, Each year on or close to Cole's birthday we plan something to do in his memory, something to celebrate his life. This year we chose to take part in a candlelighting at the cemetary he is buried in and on Sunday we attended the Festival of Trees. Yesterday we visited his grave marker with birthday balloons, which Katie picked out(given a choice of 2 different ones).

Cole would have been 4 years old yesterday and this year the grief and sadness has been building for weeks. I have cried multiple times daily for him. Perhaps because I hate that Katie will never have her big brother around to teach her new things, to play and of course, to bother her. Having Katie makes me realize even more what wonderful, joyous times we missed with Cole.

However, having said that...seeing the SHARE Atlanta tree in honor of our babies and seeing Cole's name written made me smile through the tears. He will never be forgotten, his memory is forever alive in our hearts and minds.

It cannot be said enough- thank you for all you do, thank you for your love and dedication, thank you for joining us in keeping Cole's (and all lost babies) memory alive. I don't know how often you are thanked-- never enough, I am sure! You and Share Atlanta helped keep me from drowning in my sea of grief, you made me feel normal in my grief and you helped me see that eventually life would once again, be worth living again. I just wanted you to know that I hold you in the highest esteem and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do. Leah

As the 4th Anniversary of My baby Harvey`s Birth/Death approaches, I found myself looking for support and came across this website with the help of a lady I have never, met but who replied to me and helped me through a very sad week.

This is my story for Harvey. At 31 weeks pregnant I went for a routine ante-natal appointment and the midwife could not locate the heartbeat. I drove to the hospital trying to stay calm and positive. I remember although I am not very religious making all sorts of bargains with God on the journey there. Please let the baby be ok, and I will never do a wrong thing in my life!

When I had the ultraaound I saw Harvey on the screen, I knew I was having a boy. I asked because I have wanted a son my whole adult life!

As the nurse prodded my stomach, I thought I saw a limb move, but I could not see the fluttery litttle heartbeat I had seen on previous scans. I asked, "Did he just move"? The nurse switched the screen off and turned to me, another nurse moved forward and put her hand on my knee. From that day to this my whole life changed.

I was given some medication and stayed in the Hospital 2 hrs until my Husband arrived. The nurse had telephoned him at work. I feel very sad when I try to imagine his journey there. It was a long way knowing what he had to face.

I went into Hospital 24hrs later and was induced. My husband is not good around Hospitals and blood, but he stayed with me throughout.

Harvey Ross Bax was born, and part of me thought maybe they have made a mistake and he will be alive. He was tiny but perfect. I wanted to wash him and dress him, but the Midwife said he was too delicate. So we wrapped him in a soft shawl, and I held him for a long time. He had dark hair like me, and ears like my husband beautifully flat. He was a a tint mixture of both of us.

My emotions were all mixed up, and I wanted to phone people with the news our baby had been born. Yet, I couldn`t.

I made one call to my Sister. As I told her how perfect he was,I heard her voice shake and I knew she was feeling so sorry for me so I said goodbye.

I had told the dr that I wanted to take the baby home with me. They said it was not a good idea and they would speak to Clive, my Husband, about it. To this day I love him for what he said. We had not had time to discuss it, but when they went to talk to him about it he said we would be taking the baby home with us - where he belonged.

After a few hours on the ward I got dressed. Harvey was to be taken down to the mortuary. I wanted to go with him. A nurse told us because we were on the maternity ward there as no easy way to do this..because we would be stared at carrying a basket with a dead baby in. A nurse came in and tried to position Harvey in a moses basket so he could not be seen. Tis made Clive and I very defensive. We told her not to touch him. We placed him in gently with the blanket on his chest just the same as we would wrap a living baby.

I felt very sad leaving the Hospital without him, we had been together for 31 weeks. We had decorated the nursery, had all his tiny outfits in the wardrobe and his pram was there.

We had a zinc lined coffin made, it was tiny and white and lined with blue silk. Harvey stayed in the mortuary 3 nights. In the basket, we put our wedding photograph and a little teddy bear next to him. The day came to collect the white coffin, I was feeling quite numb until i saw it, i broke down and cried.

I knew we had a lot to do to organise the funeral at home. Keeping busy made the day pass quicker. I cried so much. I even cried in my sleep. I would wake up and my Husbands strong arm was around me and tears had beem pouring out of my closed eyes!

My Husband had to call work and tell them the baby had died and he would not be in. When he placed the phone down, he he burst out crying. All his energy was taken up comforting me, and so we took it in turns in a way to break down.

In the paper we, and our relatives, put messages in. I wanted everyone to know how sad I was feeling but wouldn`t talk to anyone. I left the phone on answering machine and wept at each message. Everyone seemed to be affected, even people I hardly new.

Flowers arrived everyday, and I was glad really when they stopped!

This sounds a little strange but my Husband dug the grave. It was not strange to us, we just wanted to do everything ourselves and keep him with us.

I felt very weak, and I can remember my Husband spoon feeding me a meal to try and get me to eat something.

On the funeral day, a handful of special people came. Some people who I had not seen for a long time asked to come and we said "no". This was for Harvey, so the only people who were allowed to come were those who had had anything to do with the 31 weeks he had life.

The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day. We had Harvey spelt out in letters, so everyone knew his name. My husband clive had played "Time to say goodbye" at his Mothers funeral, we decided to play that. I wanted everyone to cry. I wanted the whole world to be sad. Even Clive's elderly Auntie who is very stern cried.

I love each person there for coming. They are all special, they came to our Wedding and they attended Harveys funeral. A few of them have moved away. Although these days I keep all my feelings hidden, I feel a sense of panic if someone who attended the funeral moves away.

I went back to work the following day. The people I saw did not know what to say. One person I know actually avoided me in he supermarket.

One of the worst times was when, although the Dr had given me tablets to dry up the milk. One day after a bath, I had milk. I laid on the floor and cried in despair.

We were so lucky because 5 weeks later I was pregnant again. The whole pregnancy was stressful, and I really wanted anither boy. I just wanted back what I had lost.

When on the scan I found out it was a girl, I cried all the way home. I was glad I found out because I had a few weeks to get used to the idea.

Pearl Claudia Mary Bax was born on 13.02.03. She is the light of our lives.

I feel like something is missing from my life every day. As 4 years has gone by, I know it never goes away.

People have forgotten about Harvey. I don`t always tell new people I meet. I never regretted bringing Harvey home. I see his grave every day.

My little toddler, Pearl, knows her Brother is there. Every Christmas, New Year or sometimes for no other reason than we miss him, we light candles on his grave. That is our story.

Today is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life-the day my unborn son died. My story is not like other stories and I won't bore you with details-but I have no momentos of my baby even though I was 18.5 weeks along. I almost died myself that day, so this anniversary means something to me in more ways than one. My son would be three and a half years old by now-he would have been going trick-or-treating with his big sister and brother and maybe going to preschool, etc...but he never got the chance. I am having a very hard time with it this year-I do not know why. I just wanted to send in my feelings among friends who I know understand how it feels and don't expect me to be over it because it's been four years. I will never get over it-just keep getting through it. Thanks for listening. And for all of you that are walking the same unwanted path as a bereaved parent, God Bless you and bring you peace and the strength to go on.