Letters and Poems about "Mementos

Three weeks ago our baby was diagnosed with severe hydrocephalus and we lost her two weeks ago.

I made a small blanket to hold her in (and I did, for 3 hours), I've since made a "Joseph's multi-colored coat" and I'm thinking about making the baby sampler I was planning to make.

My parents and in-laws think I'm going overboard and getting too attached to the baby. We've been trying to have a baby for 3 years, and this baby was a "test-tube" baby. My husband wants to try again as soon as the doctor ok's it, I'm afraid that the next one will also have problems and we have to go through this again or that this was my only chance at having a baby.

I guess I need someone to say I'm not crazy for doing what I've been doing (or maybe I am, I'm not sure anymore). We named her Shlomit (a hebrew name based on Shalom - Hello, Goodbye, and Peace, pronounced SHLOW-MEET)

For my birthday this year, my best friend sent me "crystal kids" to wear on a chain.> "Crystal kids" are charms that are made with your child's birthstone.

Now I wear one for Sean (July) and my son Brenden(December) and when somone asks I can say "these represent my sons Sean and Brenden." It's such a joy to refer to Sean as a part of our family the same way we do Brenden. It helps his name live on.

When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like the happiest person on earth. Only a short time later I was told something was wrong. I cried ALOT. I spent alot of time alone.

When we had found out I was pregnant, we quickly picked a name. For some reason I was sure it was a girl.

I knew I wanted to decorate her room in "Noah's Ark". We had decided this a few years ago when we first started trying for a baby. We wanted our child to have a Christian upbringing, and this seemed the perfect theme. Now this is very popular, and I see Noah's Ark everywhere.

At first this bothered me. My husband and I were shopping one day shortly after I had lost the baby. I found the cutest tapestry pillow with Noah's Ark on it. Tears came to my eyes as I held it.

My husband said "buy it". Every since then, I have picked up things here and there. It really helps me feel better. My collection is my way of remembering my baby. I'll cherish these items forever.

Our first child, Ian, was stillborn September 11, 1997. As we continue the journey on this rollercoaster of emotions, I have found it comforting to include Ian in our family traditions; for example, at Halloween we bought 3 pumpkins and in thick magic marker wrote "Ian" on the top of the pumpkin. Now every year Ian will have his own pumpkin.

Although I wasn't particularly interested in Christmas due to our loss, I bought 2 very special Christmas ornaments (boy angels)and hung them on the tree for Ian; now each year I will buy Christmas ornaments in memory of Ian. We also bought a Christmas gift for Ian; now each year I'll place a special gift under the tree for Ian.

Most of all, I finished a scrapbook with photos of Ian and other memories (such as the Mother's Day card I received from a friend in May 1997 when I was about 5 months pregnant and ultrasound pictures). I also have a shelf in my curio cabinet dedicated to Ian with various stuffed toys and other collectables;!

I found the most wonderful water globe in the Penney's Christmas catalog (inside the globe is an angel overlooking a baby's cradle). Perhaps this may seem all a bit "going overboard" however it's helping me cope with the loss of our son, whom I talked to while he was inside of me and shared hopes & dreams for the future.

I can't imagine how my Mother feels; she lost her first-born daughter to stillbirth in 1953 and never got to hold her, never got the chance to even think of naming her. Even though my husband & I sorely ache and the pain is still unbelievable, we are fortunate to have been able to hold our son and remember him in photos.

Thank you so much for this page it has helped me to deal with a lot of pent up anger and sorrow. I now can begin the slow healing process. I know now I am not alone in my grief.

In memory of my son I wanted to get a charm in the shape of a child, but my dillema is should I get one for the month I lost him or his actual due date - any suggestions would help.

Marcia's reply - As to your question, there is no "right" answer! What you feel in your heart is what you should do.

From sharing in our groups over the last 13 years, I have seen many choose the month that their baby actually was born as opposed to the "due date." This date is when their baby was actually last "with them."

I have little bells with September and May on them for my two miscarried babies. Those are the months that they were last with me in a physical sense. I remember Dec. and April - these would have been their birth dates - maybe - but actual "due dates" often are never met no matter what!!!

For example, I was "due" on March 13 and I was born on January 15!! Surprise!! So my Due date never meant too much. Due dates become a place, for those of us who have losses, of "what if's." (If my pregnancy had not ended, I might have a baby now...)

Doreen's reply #1 (3/19/98)- Thanks, Marcia, I am planning to get the stone that represents Feb. (The date Jamie was born.)

Doreen's reply #2 (3/24/98) - Hi, Marcia, I decided to buy the boy shaped charm for Feb. Now my baby will always be close to my heart. Always...Doreen

Marcia's reply- Thank you for sharing your baby's treasure with me. I have seen the little charms(or a charm like the one I think you are speaking of...), and think they are very special. Being able to hold such a sweet treasure so close helps to ease our pain.

Last Wed. at our meeting several, no most, of our moms had different mementos to show and share. I so appreciate their thought filled descriptions about how they decide on "what is special for them in memory of their baby."

I know that the decision to make such a memory does not come easily. So many of us are made to feel as though we shouldn't have these sweet mementos. I DO know that each of them means sooo much to the parent.

I can't remember much of Courtney's short life, although we do have some photos. I can't remember holding her after she was born, although I have a photo of her in my arms. I can't remember John cutting the cord, although again I have a photo. I do remember how soft and warm her arm was in the humidicrib.

Memories are so important - apart from being memories for us, but also ways that other people can know Courtney. I'd like to share some of those with you....

We have an ultrasound of Courtney at 19 weeks of pregnancy. My sister wrote a beautiful poem which is in the Memorial Garden. John engraved Courtney's name and birthdate on his bracelet and I have a photo of her in a locket. We both wear these all the time, so Courtney is with us constantly.

We kept the flowers from Courtney's birth and have dried them to make pot pourri. John's sister gave me a beautiful bowl for my birthday so I can put the pot pourri in it.

Some of the flowers from her funeral have been pressed by the lady who pressed my wedding bouquet - she is putting them around a photograph of Courtney and framing it so I can hang it with the wedding flowers.

A man named Charlie - a stranger to us, but a friend of a friend - made plaques with Courtney's hand and foot prints that we now have hanging on our wall.

The photo of John, Courtney and I was great - but Courtney's face was covered with a blanket. We have 1 photo of Courtney's face, while she was in my mother's arms. Another stranger - again a friend of a friend - used his computer to put Courtney's face on to the photo of her, John and I. We now have our "family portrait" up on our wall.

John's sister choreographed a dance with her school class and dedicated it to Courtney in the local dance festival. We have that on video too.

And another friend created a "living book" with Courtney's photo and poem which has pride of place in our living room.

I still sign cards for family from Courtney - their little guardian angel. I am now thinking a getting a stamp made with her name and a picture of an angel, so that I can use that instead and family know that their guardian angel is still watching over them.

John and I are very lucky to have such supportive friends and family who help us every day to remember Courtney and make sure that her future brothers and sisters will know her and know how much we love her.

In addition to buying mementos, I've also found items in my home that have taken on a whole new meaning since Grady graced our lives. For instance, I had several angel-bear items that are now either at his grave or in his room. They never stood out until now.

For my wedding, my Aunt Linda gave me a picture of a Native American woman raising an infant child to Heaven - it's called "Tomorrow's Child". I did a double take when I really looked at it for the first time after Grady's death. It now hangs in his room instead of the living room.

Even more touching than finding special remembrances on our own is when someone gives us something that reminded them of Grady. My mom, Theresa, sister Erin, Paul's mom, Gaile, and sisters Karen and Paige have all given us special angel figurines that have meant so much to us.

Grady is buried very near our home, in the special "Cherub Garden" section of a beautiful cemetery. At his grave, we have placed many items of love, including a gorgeous statue of an angel holding an infant in her arms (from his Aunt Karen, Paul's sister) , as well as a small statue of St. Joseph, Grady's patron saint.

We have kept up with the holidays, too. During July, we placed a stuffed angel-bear there that was decked out in a flag outfit. For October, we found a small stuffed bear in a black cat costume (we have 2 black cats) and a ceramic pumpkin with a sweet happy smile on it's face.

We each have a collage of pictures on our desks at work - Grady's picture is among them along with a picture of us when I was 7 months pregnant (right before I delivered him) and his memorial card. When anyone asks about Grady, we eagerly share his memory.

The two pictures that we had made at the hospital - Polaroids of Grady by himself and of us holding Grady - have been duplicated many times and enlarged and framed. We also have preserved the room that would have been his nursery as his room - hanging on the wall is his baptismal certificate, framed, along with my poem and my father-in-law's letter to Grady.

One of my best friends had Grady's name registered in the International Star Registry. We hung that certificate on the wall, too, and also visited a local planetarium where they located the star for us...we gazed at it a long time and still do whenever the sky is clear.

I hung a shadow box on another wall in his room and have placed many angel and bear figurines on it. Paul ran in a 5K race one week after Grady died and ran his fastest time ever - he received a trophy and that was placed on the shadow box as well, as he gave Grady the credit for his strength and speed that day.

My brother is a high school baseball coach. Following Grady's funeral, we found in our car a brand new baseball with Grady's initials and two crosses inscribed upon it. It's now resting in the shadow box, too.

I wanted to find a painting of an angel for our bedroom that was unique and that symbolized the gift that God had given us with Grady.

I stumbled upon "Night and Her Train of Stars and the Great Gift of Sleep" by Edward Robert Hughes in a print shop, and was instantly awestruck by the realization that this is how Grady must have been taken to Heaven. It now hangs above our bed, and I gaze at it in our dresser mirror each night before I go to sleep. I've also saved it off the internet as my wallpaper on our personal computer and my computer at work.

I have several different pins (my favorite is a kneeling cherub that's praying with a crown of jewels on his head - the jewels are the birthstone for June, which is when Grady was born) that I always wear above my heart or on my shoulder, even when I'm working out or grubby. It reminds me of his presence at all times in all ways in my life. I now wear a gold teddy bear charm along with my cross for the same reason.

For our due date, August 26, we commemorated the day by planting a citrus tree in our backyard, as I wanted something that would represent Grady's and my relationship. By bearing fruit, the tree gives a special gift to others, and as I gave Grady physical life, he has given me a brand new spiritual life. We also placed his temporary marker from the cemetery and a small clay angel holding a bird in front of the tree.

And of course, we have his memory box prepared by the hospital social worker. It contains my most prized possessions.

Despite my loving descriptions of all the items mentioned above, I have become much less focused on the need for material things in our lives since our son's death. He went to Heaven without owning anything but the love he gave and received. It made me realize how truly unimportant the accumulation of material wealth is.

I try to remember, too, that there are countless others that can benefit from the donation of money we would use to buy these mementos. That's the way Grady would want it, I'm sure. Therefore, I try to set limits to what I buy and hope to make more donations in his memory.

However, these special things will forever remind me, and others, of the remarkable impact our beloved little boy had on our lives. What an honor it is to have an angel as a member of our family and how we cherish the memory of the time he spent here on earth with us.

If anything, these items symbolize to us that we should live our lives as Grady did - by spreading love and happiness to everyone we contact throughout our days on earth.

Until we meet our precious Grady again in Heaven, we strive to achieve this goal.

Just thought I'd pass the information along in case there are other Moms out there looking for a special momento. I enjoy "sharing" my son with others as well as having him close to my heart, so the ring has provided both for me.

Not sure I'm in the mood for the holidays again this year; I'm finding myself looking through catalogs instead of tackling the store traffic. I think it's going to be another lonely holiday season.

We buried him on the 18/3/99, it was at funeral realisation for myself and my partner that instead of being at home changing dirty nappies and sleepless nights our little man was eternally resting and we were never going to see him with all of his "firsts".

We have collected alot of momentos from not only the hospital but from the funeral, we not only celebrated the loss of our first born baby boy, but we celebrated his birthday. We combined the two to make the day memorable and taped everything so we could savour every minute we had with Thomas.

Marcia's thoughts: I have seen other parents tape their moments with their baby and know how much this can mean to parents...at the time and forever after. Though many feel uncomfortable to do so. I hope that your note will give others support in the future. Thank you for sharing your time with your son...with us. I will probably add your thoughts to my section on "Funeral and Memorial Support."

Yesterday was Easter, and it has been six months since my son Angel was stillborn. The hoildays are always really painful for me because I think about all of the things that I wanted to do for him.

People might not believe this but every single day that goes by I love my son more and more. He means the world to me and the bond I feel with him is unlike any other.

Since he was cremated and put in the mausoleum at the cemetary we can't really leave him things. So every time that we go and visit him we take a balloon and write a message for him on it.

For Christmas, I bought him a little tree and decorated it for him. We took it to the cemetary to showed it to him.

Yesterday it was really hard becuase if he was here with me physically I would do so many things for him. My fiance and I took him a miniature Easter basket filled with plastic eggs with candy in them and we buried the eggs for him by the place that he is at.

It hurts me so much that he's not there with us, but I know that he has to know how much his mommy and daddy love him.

I am in the process of making a blanket to donate to the local hospital for the parents of the next still born baby to have as a keepsake. I think that all of these things will become tradition.

Only a few members of our family acknowledged that it was her birthday which was a little disappointing and I was upset to learn that my sister-in-law had been made to feel bad (by my mother-in-law) because the balloons they took to her grave had left a mark on Saskia's cross. Personally I am absolutely delighted that they cared enough to make the effort as far as I acn tell no one else did!

Since I lost my daughter in March of 2000, I have found myself creating little projects for her. I purchased an angel and painted it for her. I have also made a quilt in her memory. You can put her name, names of cousins, parents. I also added poems that reminded me of her.

Anything you can do to help you get on with your life, but still keep your childs memory alive is great.

When, what I thought was the impossible became possible, I thought my entire world came to an end. My precious baby was gone. I was only 14 1/2 weeks.

I had nothing to remember my baby, nothing but 2 Ultrasound pictures. I had to have something tangible. I needed to remember my baby. So I created a scrapbook. This was so therapeutic.

I included poems, letters to the baby, the life certificate, a family page and a page that included all of my hopes and dreams for the baby. This book is proof that if only for a brief moment my child existed and was loved.

As I get closer and closer to what would have been my due date, my scrapbook makes me feel closer. Because I had a miscarriage, I have no grave to visit, I have no pictures of childhood, the scrapbook gave me and still gives me something. This excercise was very healing.

In those 13 weeks we had Gabriel with us, I had two separate ultrasounds and heard his little heart pounding so fast - all great memories. But I was still left with that need to stay connected to him, so I created a scrapbook. It's still a work in progress as I'm not very good at scrapbooking (though do have a new subscription to a scrapbooking magazine now- yah!!).

But here are a few of the things I've done to stay connected to and parent Gabriel, even three years later:

1) scrapbook: my positive pregnancy test stick is in it, the narrative of what happened during those 13 weeks and immediately after he died, his ultrasound pictures, card Gabriel's dad gave to me telling me that he was honored we had even such a short time with Gabriel, my response card to him, my hospital bracelet, some poems (got these off the internet since my mind shut down and I couldn't write), cards from Share Atlanta, small scrap piece of the blanket I made to remind me of him, a small copy of the sheet in the medical record that says he was a stillborn and not a miscarriage (he was gonna be a big boy!), year one birthday card, mother's day cards from my mom and friends, a thinking of you card from my counselor, a festival of trees entry bracelet which will go next to the picture of his ornament when I finally sit down and do some more pages, a picture of the candles at the Northside memorial service we went to and the program, the "miscarriage: am I a mother" poem, his year two birthday card, pictures of what I got for mom's day & cards this year.