SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts
- Along this Path

Grief is a Process...Thoughts on Grief as we move down our path...

"Grief is a Process"
Internet Friends sharing...
Feelings, reactions and losses...
Further Down Grief's Path...

...I am a fairly strong woman mentally,
but the torment of having no control of my own body
will be something I will never forget.
I would be denied what I had thought
was a natural gift...

Simone, Australia

"The Strength to Grieve to Heal..."

Visitors share their thoughts -
that deal with feelings, secondary losses and reactions after a loss.

We belonged to the club of "being pregnant" with hopes of joining the parent's club. For most parents-to-be, there is little thought that this progression might not really happen. We say we want a healthy baby and worry some, but, in general, we expect a living, healthy child at the end of nine months.

For those of us who experience a loss, we are denied what seems to be a natural gift... Now, we must endure months of wondering what it might have been like or being constantly reminded by all the children around us that we are missing "what should be."

We become fully aware of what the statement "Grief is a Process" means! These letters also make it clearer as to why parents experiencing a pregnancy or newborn loss MUST grieve. Marcia McGinnis

Marcia's Note: Unfortunately, many of these e-mails are from our early years and the addresses are probably not correct. Please feel free to try some of these. If people have sent me their updated email addresses I have included them. You may send any of your own thoughts to me and I will post them here - perhaps helping someone else some day..

<>Letters and Poems on this page...

"I would be denied..." by Simone (11/97)

"My Angel" by Gina (12/97)

"Dear Emmie" by Christy (1/98)

"Why so sad?" by Doreen (3/98)

"Dreams and Nightmares" by JoAnn (3/98)

"...being around pregnant women is hard." by Lisa (5/98)

"Thoughts for Rowan" by Sarah (7/98)

"Born Too Soon" by Lisa (7/98)

"Don't lose the chance to hold your child," by Isabel (8/22/98)

"This Also Is Motherhood" sent in by Daisy (10/16/98)

"I want to say...LET ME HURT IF I WANT AND LET ME TELL YOU I LOVE HIM." by Jennifer 11/25/98)

"Seven Months Later and "Others are holding their baby" by Nanette (12/22/98)

"...her name is Bernice, after my beloved Grandma..." by Jennie (1/4/99)

"Tori-A Mother of Three Angels" by Tori (5/15/99)

"A miscarriage after a stillbirth...Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder..." by Christine (6/11/99)

"In Memory of Garrett and in Thanksgiving for Addison" by Jill (8/6/99)

Miscarriage - Simone writes of her loss of control, security and innocence - all secondary losses that increase our pain and confusion!

I miscarried my baby at 12 weeks. For one week leading up to my loss, I bled and doctors told me I was having a threatened micarriage and that there was little I could do but take it easy.

I am a fairly strong woman mentally, but the torment of having no control of my own body will be something I will never forget. I had never experienced such a loss before, and it took me many months to come to terms with it.

My baby was very much wanted. It didn't seen fair that while my friends were having children, I would be denied what I had thought was a natural gift. For many woman it is just that. For others, such as myself, it may not come so easily. But I believe my time will come again, and when it does I will cherish every moment..


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The moving story below describes the feelings and reactions that parents move through when their baby dies. Gina writes of her shock, denial, guilt, sadness, fear, and the loss of innocence, role as a parent of a living child and the loss of control. She also shares with us the many loving things she did for Alexandro Daniel.

My Angel

I lost my son to stillbirth. He died and I didn't even notice when. I found out he was dead on my last appointment. The doctor couldn't find his heartbeat. I saw him lifeless as the doctor took an ultrasound.

I wanted to die along with him. Leaving the doctor's office for my car seemed like the longest walk ever. I was scheduled to be enduced the next morning.

I remember lying in my bed staring at my stomach that now had my dead son in it and thinking this couldn't be happening. I went into labor that night.

My baby was born on the right day just not alive. After he was born my husband cried, he still had hope that the doctor was wrong and he'd be alive.

He was born but there was no cry from my son, it was quiet in the room I watched as the nurse put him in the baby warmer. She then wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me, that's when I started crying. Holding him lifeless, my firstborn son who I had waited with so much anxiousness and excitement. We brought some clothes we had bought for him to wear. It was big on him. He was born smaller than we had thought.

I couldn't eat with him in the room. I felt so guilty, like I didn't deserve anything if he wasn't alive.

My mother was flown in thanks to the support of everyone at the command I and my husband were stationed at. They all gave what money the could to get her there.

We took as many pictures as we could of him. I can't even look at them without crying. We made a videotape but still haven't looked at it.

Soon after he was born nurses that belonged to a group called Resolve Through Sharing started asking us what we planned to do. If we were going to bury him or cremate him. I didn't want to bury or cremate him I wanted him alive like all the other mothers had.

Why couldn't I be so lucky. Being in the Navy and stationed in Great Lakes, IL I didn't want him buried somewhere I knew I wouldn't be living the rest of my life. I felt like I barely had time to mourn him because of all the plans we had to make. I wanted him buried in my hometown of Stockton, CA where I knew I'd be going back to someday and my family was there so he wouldn't be alone.

As I was wheeled out of the hospital I felt like I didn't deserve to be in the wheelchair. I really wasn't a mom I wasn't going home with my son. I stared at the hospital as we drove away feeling like my son was going to be alone now that I was leaving the hospital.

The next morning we had to see about getting a flight to California. Thank God for the Navy/Marine Corps Relief Society. They helped us get a flight there and back, helped pay for his burial. As I watched him be lowered into the ground I wanted to go with him.

I don't even remember what the priest said at his gravesite. I was crying too hard as thoughts of my last appointment ran through my head. Recalling everything the doctor said just like people do in the movies as a loved one is buried.

I started having nightmares every night after he was born. Sometimes not wanting to sleep because all I had were nightmares. I guess it was my feeling of guilt coming through in my dreams.

I blamed the doctors because they should've noticed there was something wrong with him before this happened. But I guess when you have no complications during your pregnancy they don't worry too much about you.

I still blame myself because he was inside of me. I should have noticed there was something wrong. What kind of mother was I? They did an autopsy on him. There was nothing wrong with him. The doctor said it was his placenta.

I wonder sometimes what he would look like now. He looked like me at birth. Would he look more like me or his father as he got older?

I console myself thinking that when I die that's when I'll get to see him again, full of life. But for now who knows how long it'll take to be able to talk about him without crying.

Alexandro Daniel Guerra Jr.
Lake Forest, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Both the experience above and the letter below speak to the confusion and pain after a loss. Guilt and gradual forgiveness are part of the grieving process...

Our group often discusses how important it is to remember that "we did the best that we could do at the time" as we move through the initial stages of life after our baby dies. Noone ever handed us a plan of what to do if...

Though each of our experiences are unique to us, many of our reactions, etc. are similar. Your feelings and reactions are very similar to others who have lost a baby. As a mother, we feel as though we should be able to protect or do for our child everything possible, but, of course, we can not.

Guilt is our need to figure out what to blame so we can fix the situation. With time, we become more comfortable that we were not at fault and probably did all we could. Slowly we begin to forgive ourselves for those things that were out of our control. Marcia McGinnis

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts...~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dear Emmie"

Dear Emmie, so much time has seemed to pass since the day I held you in my arms. I long to do that again.

You were so beautiful, so perfect, you were my baby and you always will be. I talk to you all the time, and I write you thousands of letters, I just hope that you realize how much I love and miss you.

I never thought I would lose you, and I still find it so hard to go on without you here, doing all of the "firsts" that you should be doing.

And how do I explain to Caleb that his sister is gone? Is there an easy way? He doesn't remember you. I didn't let him in to see you, and I regret that.

Please Emalee,I hope you can forgive me for all the things I did wrong in the three short days you were here.

I still expect to wake up from this nightmare I am living in and have you, perfect with no heart problem. Sometimes I know this isn't going to happen, and other times I believe that it will.

No matter what happens to us in the future, always know how much your Mommy, Daddy, and big brother loved you, and always will love you.

I love you, Emalee. Love, Mommy, Daddy, and Caleb

See some more of Christy's thoughts about her experience and her daughter, Emalee, under "Your Baby is Sick"

Emalee Hope Mein
Died soon after birth
of The Great Vessles of the heart (TGA)
Rochester, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Why So Sad

Today I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. I guess with the music playing and so much of it touching a chord in my heart my emotions were overwhelmed.

Today, I changed my baby doll I named Jamie. As I sat on the couch after I dressed him wishing for the hundreth time he was real, the tears began to fall in earnest. As I touched his hair I wondered would my son have had hair. I smiled and remembered the dream where my mom showed me my son.

I got to wondering what kind of mom would I have made.

By this time, Wendell came home. I placed Jamie in his cradle as he was coming in. He wanted to know what was I hiding. He would never understand I was hiding my tears.

Visit First Anniversary, Notes, Healing Mementos and Miscarriage/Why Grieve... to read more of Doreen's thoughts about James Howard.


One of the outcomes or gifts from her grieving was a beautiful play, Cameo, about a mother's love for her stillborn and how she coped with the loss. One of the ways she did was by loving a babydoll. She, too, hid the doll from her family, but the healing was tremendous from the comfort she gained from the babydoll. I have a babydoll, in a cradle, named for my two miscarried daughters, and she brings me much comfort.

We must do those things that help us. Many find love of an animal to be very helpful at this time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Dreams & Nightmares

Reading Christa's entry about her nightmares during her subsequent pregnancy prompted me to write again.

For approximately 3 months after Ian's stillbirth 9/11/97, I lived through horrible nightmares. My sleeping patterns were messed up anyways (I didn't sleep at all or very little during the first few months afterwards), but in addition to that I started having really bizzarre nightmares.

In one nightmare Ian was a toddler and we were playing hide-n-go-seek in our side yard. He hid behind a tree and I found him there, giggling; he gave me a big bear hug. Then Ian ran; I thought he was still playing the game, but suddenly we were at the cemetary near his grave. As Ian climbed back into his grave he said, "It's okay Mommy, it's okay." That nightmare still haunts me today every time I visit Ian's gravesite.

Another nightmare took place on the dirt road we live on. Ian, as a toddler again, was walking away from the house, hand-in-hand with a man I did not know. It seemed like October, because the trees were full of leaves falling to the ground in the wind. The man and Ian kept walking and I woke myself up when I realized I was talking in my sleep saying, "No no. Come back. Come back Ian, don't go."

These are just two examples of my nightmares; I've had many others, and I did start keeping a diary of them. I'm not sure why the nightmares/dreams have been of Ian as a toddler. But I do know once I focused my mind away from the nightmares to more positive thoughts (trying to maintain positive thoughts in my waking hours), my dreams have changed to the positive side. I have dreamed of giving birth to live babies! I'm not a nightmare/dream expert; what I've learned is, I won't be afraid as much now if I do have more horrible nightmares since I've had some positive dreams in between.

JoAnn's Diary...A mother's reflections in loving memory of her son, Ian ~ E-mails to SHARE Atlanta from 9/97 for over a year's time. JoAnn shares her highs and lows in an effort to understand her loss and pain on her path of healing.

Ian Marcus Walter
Binghamton, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Women who are pregnant are constant reminders of what we have lost.

Moms talk about feelings of jealousy and anger...and the accompaning guilt. These are normal grief feelings, but so very hard to deal with because women aren't suppose to feel these feelings! Sometimes these reactions are not directed at everyone...sometimes they are.


I am finding it very hard seeing Tom's sister who is due the end of June (when Nora would of been one). Every word from her is about the baby, and she doesn't think before speaking either. I am so envious and wish her bad which is so cruel of me. I am sure I will accept it though as time goes on. Anyone else who is pregnant doesn't bother me, after all my next door neighbour and the girl directly across from us are all due their babies in June........I think alot of it is because I fell out with her before and didn't speak to her for several months! Lisa

See "The Little Angels" - A Special Plot in Dublin, Ireland inOur "Memorial" Service , Midterm Loss/Unknown cause and First Anniversary for more of Lisa's story.

Nora - 19/01/97
Second Trimester Loss
Dublin, Ireland

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Thoughts for Rowan

Rowan was stillborn on the 5/12/97 whilst we were on holiday in Scotland. She had probably died on the 1/12/97. She was 38 weeks old, beautifully formed and was a much wanted daughter and sister. Her death has left such a heaving gap in our lives. The sadness can be overwhelming. I know it will always be there, it's just a question of living with it. We take each day as it comes but find it so hard to accept that something so precious was taken from us for no reason other than it was "just one of those things".

Marcia's comment: I appreciate your thoughts about "where you are now" after a year. The intensity of the sadness will lessen with time her presence will always be with you. Grief takes time and coping -just as you wrote. Took me years to figure out "what to do with" all my feelings and reactions. In reality, I believe that is true for most of us. Sarah
Yorkshire, UK

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I was coping so well up until about 2 weeks ago when I went to Noras grave, her name is now on the headstone and this tore my heart apart - I think it shocked me into reality that she was now gone and her name on the headstone marked her resting place. I broke down, almost as bad as I did the morning she was buried. I will try and go to the grave again this week and spend some time there thinking a few things over. Anytime I go there I only last 2-3 minutes as it is all that I can take.

I was out sick for 2 days from work and wrote the following poem - thought you would like to read it.

"Born Too Soon"

Sitting in the garden, I try to recall,
Your hands, your face, your fingernails, your body so small.
The hospital re-assured me, that at 17 weeks you were fine,
A healthy baby they said, that would be born on time

It was so hard to accept on the January morn,
That god had sent a message, to say you should be born.
I have your special photo, your hospital wrist band too,
A grave also in Glasnevin, but I still wish I had you

They say that time will heal my wounds, in my case, I'm not so sure,
For every hour, in every day, I miss her more and more
The house is now so silent, the box room remains so bare,
This should of been a special room, that we would decorate with care.

I try to carry on in life, and take things day by day.
But memories come flooding back, when I see children out at play
The shops of full of women, who push their pram's with pride,
While I who lost my daughter, will not foget the day she died.

Your resting place I visit, where I place some flowers with care
But no-one knows the heartache as I turn and leave you there
The hurt remains inside me, there is nothing I can do
But when you loose your baby, you loose a part of you

In memory of Nora-Byrne Slevin
Miscarried @ 17.5 weeks

See "The Little Angels" - A Special Plot in Dublin, Ireland inMemorial Memories, Midterm Loss/Unknown cause, Mother's Day in Ireland, First Anniversary for more of Lisa's story. and "Love to Nora..." by Lisa (11/8/99) Third Ann.

Nora - 19/01/97
Second Trimester Loss
Dublin, Ireland
E-mail 7/15/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Isabel of Mexico City shares her thoughts with us:

When my tiny baby, Jorge Andris, was stillborn at 25 weeks of pregnancy(10/4/96),
I decided not to look at him...
No one insisted that I should do it...
Today I wish so that I had done it...
Too late...
Don't lose the chance to hold your child,
and to keep an image of him/her forever...
I just have a dream in my heart...(8/24/98)

Jorge Andris Trujillo Ramos
Second trimester loss
Mexico City

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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This Also Is Motherhood

We all carry with us cherished images of motherhood,
Perfect babies and smiling mothers.
Universal madonnas, mothers mild.
Our anathesized world of modern technology
And controlled emotion has promised safe, happy child birth.

And somehow we have come to believe,
But in those same antiseptic hospitals where healthy
Babies sleep row on row in sweet smelling flanelette
There is another side of motherhood
About which no one speaks.

The baby born with half a heart,
Or lungs not made for breathing.
The baby who comes too soon
Too small to live outside the womb.
And the baby delivered in silence
With no explanation for its stillbirth.

We have no portraits of these mothers in our minds.
Sorrow and heartbreak are not part of our
Mythology of Motherhood.
The young woman sitting with empty arms,
Eyes brimmed with tears is not our picture of a Mother.

Yet in her grief is the pieta's anguish
She is a mother too.
This also, is motherhood.

These touching thoughts were taken from a grieving pamphlet I received after my sons death. Author is unknown to me.

Travis Raymond
Second trimester loss
Ottawa, ont

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My son was stillborn 2/7/98 at 7 1/2 months.

You know how the first 2 months or so usually you are shocked and numb. At least I was, I would do things and wonder "what is wrong with me, my baby is dead and how can I be 'all right'." Well, my family was great the first month and then on Cameron's due date April 13, 1998, it really came crashing down.

I cried all the time, I was so sensitive and I wanted to hold and cry over my sisters baby, which was born 1 week after Cameron. I did this for...well, I still do this. Her baby, Rachel, is so sweet and loveable and I feel like she is kind of "Cameron's friend" since we were pregnant at the same times.

I am single and now his daddy and I never speak. We are not mad, I just cannot handle seeing him because Cameron was identical to him.

My family has gone on with things, they get upset if I bring Cameron up. They get mad if they see that I am sitting at his grave.. Is that wrong, to sit for 30-40 minutes there? It feels so relieving. My dad has lectured me several times that the family does not want to always hear about Cameron and I need to get my chin up and realize that everyone has gone on and I need to too. I don't ever talk about him. Why is my dad so hard when mom died Dec. 1996 and he is still talking about her and grieving her?

I love my family, but I am starting to not like them very much. Do you all understand what I mean?

Also, I am such a bad mother now to Cameron, even though he is not here. I felt so motherly and loving while grieving up until a month ago. Now, I almost feel that I hate people.

My sister that had the baby never calls and rolls her eyes when I talk of Cameron. I hate being this way, but what can I do. I would die if anyone knew these feeling I have. Except for you all, maybe because I don't know you. Does anyone ever feel this way?

Am I a horrible mother? I love my son, but the way I am acting is terrible. I am so irriitable and snap at people and then cry the next minute because I was rude. I am usually a very quiet person and here I am acting like this.

Is my everyone so disinterested like this because I am single. His daddy was the only person I ever really dated. Am I so horrible?


Well, I hope that none of you think I am horrible because I really don't know whether I am myself.... Thanks for listening. Please e-mail me if anyone out there has NO ONE that will let them grieve..

My mother was wonderful and I could always tell her anything and she was never judgemental. I want to be just like her towards anyone.

* I love you, mom
* I love you, my little sunshine

For more of Jennifer's story.."Cameron" and "Oh, Mommy"

Cameron Michael Smith
February 7, 1998
Louisville, Ky
E-mail Parts of Marcia's response to Jennifer:

I am glad that your sister will share her child like this and that you can get comfort from holding baby Rachel.

I feel that your family(and you) are dealing with multiple losses. No, it is not wrong for you to sit at Cameron's is a very normal thing to do. As long as it provides comfort for you, it is good to do. We have many in our group who do the same.

Your dad probably is very sad and confused. He probably wishes that you were not hurting and asks you to stop hurting because he doesn't have any more energy to give you the care you need... ..I know that your energy is low, also, but it may be up to you to learn as much as you can, about grief, so that you can work with yourself to heal.

Anger at those we love who seemingly don't understand is normal. Anger is a normal part of grief. If it feels physical, hit a pillow on a bed or go for a long walk. Then consider using it constructively by reading about grief or journaling. Your loved ones are probably confused and angry, too.

You are not a bad person or mother for feeling the feelings of grief...everything you have shared I have heard over and over in our groups and I have felt many of these feelings myself.

You have moved through shock and denial and into the reality of it all. You have been through much loss. It is normal to react. Try to forgive yourself for your feelings...they are normal. Your reactions are a reaction to all you have been through. Sometimes the most sensitive people grieve the most deeply. Sensitive folks also respond the most to the intensity of grief. We usually suggest doing things to "take care of yourself".

The page on Coping Ideas...things to "do" might help. You are at a place where releasing feelings and finding activities that will help is important. Sometimes simple things like a bath with bubbles, a funny movie, a long walk, or something you might think of is the answer. Most often something you don't have to think about tied with learning more about grief and your reactions. You are in need of "Tension Release". Tell us you love Cameron...we know you do!!!

You are who you are today. You are trying to change to bring all the things that have happened to you within a safe place in your soul. It is a struggle. It is frightening...because you keep experiencing feelings and reactions that are grief related...not those that you have everyday(at least not in this proportion).

Do keep knowing that others have gone through all of this and survived. Many, when the walk is further along, realize that their child has brought them to places they never dreamed.

You have the choice to continue on the path you choose. You can follow in her footsteps,(I am sure she would be pleased). No one gets anywhere without effort. You ARE working on it..keep can do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Seven Months Later and "Others are holding their baby"

I lost my twin babies on May 6, 1998. My best friend and I was pregant at the same time. Last Monday my friend's boy was born healthy thanks to God. But today she has her baby but my arms are empty. It's hard for me because that was my first pregnancy and I still want to hold my babies.

Ft. LeonardWood, MO

Marcia's Thoughts: To me, this is one of the hardest "secondary losses" we experience as a bereaved parent...the loss of the role of parenting and being in the "club" with other parents who birth living children. For us, other folks seem to easily do what we so very much want...and can't have. It is a very difficult experience to watch others cradle what we so much want for ourselves.

And for most of us, "everyone" around us are having babies when we are trying so hard to have our own. Thus, we have constant, "up close and personal" reminders at every turn. Recognizing this fact and talking through our feelings often eases our pain. Some lessen their contact for awhile with others with children(especially those with little babies) while they sort through their feelings. This is normal and healthy.

Some friends and family will understand and respect this need...others will not. The best we can do is attempt to explain how we feel and if others do not understand, give some space to each other for a while may help. I think giving space protects friendships and gives all a time out for thinking and healing....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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...her name is Bernice, after my beloved Grandma

I found out I was pregnant on 11/16/98. I discovered about a week later, due to tests, that I had miscarried. Apparently, it began before I even discovered I was pregnant. We'd tried for two years, but I never told many people that I'd been trying, except my husband and best friend of course, because I'm only 19. I was so excited to be pregnant, and my mother didn't take it well, although everyone else was very supportive.

Despite the advice of others, I refused to worry or not get excited until the "miscarriage risk period" had past (about 3 months). I just couldn't keep it in. I bought a bib set, a pink and purple one. I just knew it was a girl in my heart.

Anyway, when they told me I'd miscarried, I was immediately mad at God. Why had he finally answered my prayers after 2 years, only to take this blessing away from me? I had thanked him every day since I'd found out, and had also prayed for her safety. Yet, I lost the pregnancy. I found out about the miscarriage the day before Thanksgiving.

When I told my mother, I expected her to be unsupportive and glad it happened. Instead, she was sympathetic to me, and gave me comfort. I was thankful for that. No one seemed to understand my great loss. Not even my husband understood how empty I felt inside.

I couldn't just "get over it" or "forget about it". How could ANYONE do that?? This was not just a cat or a dog, it was a baby, growing inside of me, that died inside of me. For 4 weeks, I had to go to the doctor every week to get HCG tests to make sure the "tissue" was "expelled" from my body! What a horrible thing to have to go through. No one understood me.

That's why I found this website. I needed to talk with other women who understood this loss feeling and the feeling that something was missing from my body. I could physically feel the emptiness.

And slowly, it's fading away, but very slowly. The pain was unbearable for a long time! Not the physical pain either, the emotional pain.

I am trying to concieve again and every day I pray just as I did before. I know God will send me the angel I have been praying for in time. I just wonder why he did this to me? I guess I will never know the answer to this.

I never really gave her a name until now. I felt like people would think I was crazy. But her name is Bernice, after my beloved Grandma.

Thanks for reading this everyone. Please e-mail me with any response you may have.

Greensboro, NC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Tori-A Mother of Three Angels

I am a mother of three girls right now-their ages are 7, 3 and 1. You may wonder why there is a gap between girls 1 and 2. Well I will share with you now the reason for this.

I was 26 at the time and a happy mother of a 1 1/2 yr old daughter. I got pregnant in February 1993, and was very happy about this. The pregnancy was uneventful.

I looked good and felt good. At 35 wks I had an ultrasound and to our extreme joy, we were having a son! What a celebration! My husband brought me home a dozen red roses and kissed me and told me what good wife I was, and to take it easy.

Then at 40 wks on november 25, being 2 days late, I saw my doctor. It took a few minutes to find the heartbeat, but we did, and he told me everything was fine and he would see me in a week in his office.

I felt the baby was quiet, but I was reassured that this is normal at the end of a pregnancy. The baby was so active before, and now he was quiet.

Well, the next morning, we were awakened by a long distance telephone call-I got up and went to the bathroom. The baby was very quiet-I tried to move his leg with my hand-no response. I started to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I went and got some juice and drank it-no response again. I went to my bedroom and told my husband.

I called the hospital and they told me to come in-we got to the hospital about a half hour later and had to wait due to change of shift. They then tried to find the heartbeat-then I was sent downstairs for an ultrasound-then we heard the words we couldnt believe-"I am sorry! There is no sign of life!" I felt myself gasp and my husband turned green and said he had to leave.

I was induced and delivered Daniel John at 1:14 a.m. The delivery room was silent-no sweet baby cry-the doctor put Daniel right on my stomach and I looked at him and screamed inwardly-move! Move! But nothing was heard audibly-then my sister cleaned off the baby and dressed him in the sleeper I had chosen for him-then handed him to me. He smelled so sweet! He was so beautiful. I just whispered to him and told him how much I loved him!

After awhile the nurse took him forever from me.

We had his funeral two days later. I kissed him goodbye and couldn't believe and still cannot to this day. Ever forget my sweet Daniel-he would be 5 1/2 years old now. I miss him so much! I missed nursing him and holding him.

I have written numerous poems to him. It helped.

Also, this year on January 30/99, I miscarried identical twin girls-due to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was 14 weeks pregnant and didn't know I was pregnant with twins. I am still very angry and sad. I miss my babies so much! Right now I would be 7 months pregnant and very happy. I dont know why god did this to me.

So, I have three babies in heaven and three on earth. I just hope that when I get to heaven God will say to the three of them-this is your mother!

Oh, by the way, the twins names are: Jasmine Kallista and Jenna Desiree.

If anyone is interested in corresponding I would be most grateful. I would also be happy to share the poems if anyone would like this just let me know.

NOVEMBER 27/1993

Marcia's thoughts: It seems that with the twins loss you are now dealing with the feelings around their presence in your life and memories of Daniel are flooding your heart. It has been four months since the twins I write in Sharing Stories, The First Year, Month to Month", around this time is when the reality of everything sets in. Now, you are trying to make sense of all that has happened to you. Please consider reading "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" may ease some of your pain to know that what you are experiencing is very normal.

I would very much like to read and include your poems on the site. That is what our site is for...reaching out to each other in order to heal. I feel sure that your thoughts will help other parents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder...

Seven months ago we lost our child she was stillborn. On May 30,1999 we found out we were expecting another child.. We were excited and apprehensive.

I had blood work done to make sure things were progressing well.

On Thursday evening I had a dream about me and my baby. We were getting our picture taken, and I was holding the baby. I told her to hurry and smile for the picture before she had to go.... I thought it was my Savanna(who was stillborn). The next day I called to see how the blood work they had taken was. The nurse said I was going to miscarry. On Sunday June 6. I did.

This has brought back the death of my daughter, and then more. No one seems to understand that I(we) have lost another child..I feel so lonely. Lost, and confused. Some how this is easier than my Savanna... and it's also alot harder. I still have to find out why? we miscarried.

I guess I'll never know as to why we have to go through all this heart wrenching pain in so short a time.

So, I sit here and wonder was my dream a sort of premonition about my unborn child? Was it about my stillborn daughter Savanna? Or both? Hopefully One of these days I'll have the dream where I'm holding a healthy living, breathing beautiful child, and this one will come so true..Yes I do still have hope. Imagine that!!

One day I'll write and tell you a happy story. I had a child and they lived. Oh is that to much to ask? and who would have ever thought that in 30 short years of my life that I would have to go through not one, but two losses.

My heart goes out to the parents who have experienced this and so much more... How do I get excited for the next child????I guess one nerve wracking day at a time. But we will try and try again. Hopefully just the one more try will work the next time.

I love you My dearest little Angels in heaven..

Your mommy and daddy..

To read some of Savanna' mother's thoughts..."OUR BABY ANGEL" and then... "The Baby Angel" by Christine's Cousin (3/17/99)

Christine Mallory
Syracuse, NY

Marcia's thoughts: A second loss often causes us to revisit the first and usually each, no matter the length of time we carried a baby, brings us different feelings. At 7 months after your first loss, you are still in that first year of grieving...often this is a difficult time. If you haven't, you may wish to visit our page "The First Year-Month to Month" - these issues are discussed more. It is difficult to cope with several losses-please be gentle with yourself as you try to heal.

Dreams seem to be very common - many parents have shared them. Sometimes their meaning is clear instantly and the meaing in others becomes clearer as time passes. ...on this page, JoAnn talks about dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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In Memory of Garrett and in Thanksgiving for Addison

A miracle, an angel,
I hold in my arms
Tears of joy and
answered prayers,
my heart full to bursting.


I drift back
to another time
to another place
to another child

A child I held
so tiny and pure
Promises, hopes,
dreams for the future
Ended in the blink of an eye.

No crib, no bed, no lullabies
But a satin covered box,
amid flowers and stifled tears.

No birthday parties or presents
No first steps or little smiles
No hugs and laughter or silly songs
But flowers on a little grave
day after day
year after year.


A tiny cry pulls me back
to this time
to this place
to this child

My arms are full
my heart is healing
but never forgetting
my first born.

In loving memory of Garrett
and in thanksgiving of his brother, Addison,
by their mom, Jill Thigpen

For more of Jill's thoughts under "Five Years or More"..."Haley Marie" by Jill (8/6/99)

Garrett Ezekiel Thigpen
Died soon after birth
Chapel Hill, NC

Marcia's thoughts: Your thoughts are very clear. Many folks fear that moving on or having other children might mean they will forget their baby that died. You have expressed the feeling and the connection very well. At different points along our path, we take time to remember... Thank you for sharing this with will help others, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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