It seems strange to be writing about coping mechanisms, when at this time, even this exercise is an attempt to cope with yet another tenuous pregnancy after the loss of three previous pregnancies.

I chose to share my coping activities because they have been a little out of the ordinary, although I have done many ordinary things as well. After our first loss, an ectopic pregnancy, I did the usual reading of all related books and articles on pregnancy loss and infertility, which we have also had to face. I also wrote in a journal to try to make sense of my feelings and try to remember exactly how things happened-since things become a blur when one is in shock.

My love of gardening added a different dimension to my grieving. All of our losses were early, prior to 10 weeks, and there were no funerals, no rituals and no sizable babies to bury and memorialize. We desperately wanted those babies and wanted to show in a concrete way what they had meant to us. After each loss - before I could even get around well, much less participate in heavy yard work - I ordered a load of horse manure.

Dennis and I tore up a good part of our yard to build gardens for our babies. For Lindsay, we planted a Japanese maple and designed a Japanese garden around it. For Carson, we expanded a perennial and shade garden and planted two peach trees that will take the place of an old and declining tree that is already in our yard. For the twins, Lorin and Camille, we expanded a pine island and planted a pink and white dogwood and added more azaleas, irises, and hydrangeas to give us flowers throughout the year.

Working through grief and preparing those beds also led to the consolidation of over 1000 daffodils into one bed and an addition of about 40 daylilies. The daylilies were a gift from an elderly neighbor who passed away the week before Christmas, 1996.

We have many other gardening neighbors, who have also contributed cuttings and plants from their yards to help us stay busy and beautify our yard. The result is something that gives us peace, support from our neighbors, and ongoing pleasure, much as those dear, loved babies were supposed to if they had been able to stay with us.

I also like to quilt, and gardening was not enough to help me work out the grief. I decided to make a Memorial Quilt for our babies. It would be a special wall hanging for us to enjoy. It began with all blacks and grays and became a very colorful quilt as I decided to use all gardening fabrics that I had been collecting for some unknown project. Quilters are known for collecting much more fabric than they can use for any projects that they might be working on!

The pattern was "A Trip Around the World". I was determined to change the diamond pattern to a heart from an idea that I had seen elsewhere. I was a teacher's worst nightmare. I learned the technique and spent the better part of two weekends changing the pattern to meet my needs. The resulting quilt has made me very proud and brought me many compliments. Contrary to Dennis' initial fears, I've made something pretty that we both enjoy looking at. I printed one of the poems I wrote about our losses on the fabric on the back. All of the fabrics are gardening fabrics, and I call the quilt "Gardening Around My Grief". It helped me work out feelings that I could no longer write down in my journal. It was so good to finish it. I only hope that it is my first and last Memorial Quilt as I attempt to get through our fourth pregnancy.

Contrary to popular belief, increased sorrow does not always bring increased strength to deal with it. You just have to find out what works for you to get through all the confusing feelings. So many of the losses we deal with are beyond our control, I can only suggest we find healthy and creative ways to deal with the losses and try not to let it destroy our self-esteem and our sense of self and prupose in life.

If you can find something you are talented in to try to work through the grief, maybe you can find new hope and confidence in picking up your life to begin again- as hard as that seems now.

Mementos ease the pain...

I have been to a counselor and he has helped me to understand that what I feel is normal -- which I have had affirmed on this website. I have taken some ideas and thoughts as to how I can work through this holiday season.

My husband and I are going to find an angel ornament to hang on our tree every year to represent our baby that is now an angel in heaven. Thank you for providing such appropriate information. I'm sure I will check in on this site again. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts.

That style and those words I chose in particular have special meaning to me. The phrase "I thought of you today" guided my healing journal entries for every day during the month after Paul Angelo's death. I sit and reread them many times over to reconnect and remember how he truly has meaning in my ife. Thinking back I can recall most everything reminding me of my baby those days and the words just seemed to flowed. With much love and prayers, Laura

Mechelle's poem(her dedication to her son Caleb Gregory) is a beautiful and loving dedication to the sweet memories from her pregnancy that she will carry "forever in her heart". These bittersweet thoughts are one way for her to focus her energy toward easing her pain and making her baby a special part of her life. Her words also validate that we "do know" these little ones - that is why we grieve their passing. I was very moved by her poem... (Marcia)

I was so excited to be expecting twins.

I hadn't taken fertility drugs, and I am not yet 30. So, twins were quite a surprise. I remember leaving the doctor's office when we found out, and my husband said, "God must really trust us to give us two babies at once." And when people would say, "Poor you!" when they heard the news, I couldn't understand what they meant. I thought it all to be quite exciting.

Not long after finding out about carrying two precious babies, though, was I put on bed rest because of some unexplained bleeding. I just kept trusting that since I was doing everything right, God would let me raise these two babies.

But on December 9, 1996, I gave birth to Adam at home. I was 18 weeks.

For 9 more days, I layed in a hospital bed, not knowing if God would even see fit to give me one of those babies that I longed for. I would look at the pictures of Adam that the hospital nurses had taken for me. And I would hold the tiny stuffed animal, a yellow tiny duck, that the nurses had placed in the small basket when they brought Adam to me for our good bye. I missed him terribly, but had to remain calm and strong for his twin brother.

"Surely, " I thought, "God will let me have this baby on earth. He has put me through so much already." But I learned on December 18, 1996, nine days after my Adam's birth, that Jacob, too, would join Jesus in Heaven.

I have never been more angry at anyone than I was at God. Why did he take my sons? I would see girls, young girls, at the high school where I taught, with swollen pregnant bellies, and I would get all the madder.

And after about 9 months of this anger, I realized that God had not taken Adam and Jacob from me. He gave them to me, and he will let me be with them when I get to Heaven. And now I am still happy to be the mother of twins. I am happy to know that those two tiny brothers, with their blonde hair, are rejoicing together in Heaven.

Ian Patrick, a poet mommy is not - but I wanted you to know how often your mommy, daddy and extended family think about you, and more importantly, talk about you.

When Andrew and Abbey (your older brother and little sister) are older they will come to realize they have a special brother up in heaven watching over them. You will always be our dark haired second son. Your memories are so precious to us.

If the house was ever burning down, I know I would pick up your photo album and memory box first. Although you are carried in my heart daily, I also hold those items dear to me.

I have comfort in knowing the wonderful grandparents and family that have gone on before you and me and they are spoiling you rotten because we can't.

Always know we love and miss you very much little buddy.

All our love and big tight hugs and slobbery kisses,
Mommy, daddy, Andrew, Abbey and the entire extended family.

It has always been hard to keep Angelica's memory alive. She never shared in the household meyhem. We lost her before we really knew her.

We have her picture up in the hall with the rest of the birth pictures of our living children. My older boys are very proud of this picture and show it to anyone who will look at it. Our younger daughter knows it is her sister and someday she will know the whole story of how Angelica's death helped lead to her birth.

We celebrate her birthday every year at Valentine's day. We ususally have cake at the cemetary. The kids look forward to this and in fact asked to make sure we were still doing it this past year.

Of course her name means angel so we have a special place in all of our hearts for angels. The best thing we did after her death was to plant crocus at her grave site because they bloom every year right at her birthday.

When I had my miscarriage at only 3-4 weeks pregnant, I kept the actual material that came from my body. I do not know if any or all of it is part of my baby, but I have kept it. Initially I kept it to take to the doctor to confirm the miscarriage but the doctor told me it was not nessecary because of my hCG level. I kept it in my freezer in a ziplock bag. This may sound gross, but it's in the back out of view. I hardly even think of it when I open the freezer. I decided to keep it because I want to give Bernice a proper burial place. I live in an apartment so that is really impossible right now.

We are buying a house in October of this year (it will be a year since the miscarriage on November 16th). I am going to save it until November 16th, and on that day I will give her a burial and a small memorial service with just my husband and I.

I will be able to visit her grave everyday and remember her always. I will probably just make her grave in a flower garden and mark it with a tiny white cross.

I also am in the process of making a very special pillow on my sewing machine in memory of her. I will keep it in my future baby's room so that my little angel Bernice can watch over her always.

These are just a few ideas I had. Although I lost my baby early, it was a very much wanted pregnancy and I waited for her for a long time. Now I am trying to have another baby, but Bernice will always be considered my first.

It has finally been one year that my precious baby boy Angel was born still. A year that my life and that of others was completely changed. A year in which I have felt a wide array of emotions that I never thought I would feel.

It is so strange how on that day I felt all the emotions that I felt the day that he was born, it was almost as if the wound is still very fresh. I guess in a way it is but also throughtout this year I have grown so so very much.

We didn't do much on his birthday. I stayed up till about 5 am, I stayed up past the exact time that he was born which is 4:43 AM and well that is when it really hit me.

I am so glad that I had a chance to be his mommy though. I guess you could say that I have resolved some of my grief although sometimes it feels as if I were back to that day but I guess that's very normal. At least that is what I think.

His daddy and I bought him some toys. Some Hot Wheels. It felt really good to do that for him. We are going to collect them for him now.

One of the many ways that I have changed this year is that even though I feel so much pain in my heart when I think of him sometimes, it gives me peace to be able to think of him and the time that he spent inside of me and reminisce about it.

His daddy and I talk about him a lot and we are able to laugh and smile and feel joy. Although he is in heaven now he is still our son and we still love him more and more each day.

We got a birthday cake for him and we went to the beach that night. We lit a candle on the cake and we sang happy birthday to him.

Although I would much rather have had him here with me and his daddy, looking at the way that things are there wasn't a better way that we could have spent that day.

I would like to thank SHARE for all that they have done for me. If it had not been for my husband's support and SHARE's newsletters, I do not know where I would be today. I look forward to receiving my newsletters so much. I know that I am going to completely relate with everything I read. And the people that I have met through SHARE have really made my life worthwhile.

Well thank you so much SHARE and everyone else that has been there for me.

I was out of town when it happened, in a strange city, away from my other precious children. I was put in the maternity section of the hospital where I could hear all of the babies crying. If I could have just held one of them....

I wondered what my baby would have looked like.... Somehow I passed the time waiting to go to theatre by writing in a journal and vowing never to forget her.

I wrote all my thoughts and feelings, special memories and I bought cards that I liked with babies on the cover. I purchased many angels as keepsakes. Some that hung on the wall, photo frames mounted with angels, I collected Angel poems, and bought books that had Angels on the cover. Initially I also bought a Signature bear for dear friends to sign messages to Aspen and those most heartfelt were from those who had lost children.

Later, I bought a Christmas Ornament and Candles that all became Aspen's. I had a memorial plaque made with a loving message from the whole family and I wrote a special poem and had it framed.

All of these things helped me to celebrate Aspen's short life with us and it helped me to grieve and to understand myself and my needs a whole letter better.

I wrote more than I did anything else. And I still do.....that's my therapy. Now I write Angel poems for bereaved parents about their special child and I donate $2 from each one to a children's charity of their choice. This helps me feel that something good has come out of a very dark moment in my life. If I can help others, Aspen's life has had great meaning, regardless of the duration.

PS We spend Aspen's anniversary doing something positive each year, to fill this day with 'future' happy memories. Such as throwing rose petals in the water at the beach at sunset, standing on a cliff face watching the ocean pound the rocks, letting helium balloons go, or shopping for special angel ornaments.

We also had our new son dedicated on Aspen's anniversary this year.....again, making "new" memories helps us to cope with each year. Not that it gets any easier, it doesn't - but as I look back at each special moment (or little ritual) I can see the good shining through.

I wrote this poem in dedication to all the parents that have & are going thru what we went thru. You never forget your child, the pain never really goes away, you just learn how to deal with it beter as time goes on. Since that happened, we've had another son who will be 2 soon & "Lit'l Joe" will always be part of our family & in our hearts forever, because he's truly our little angel.

Ryan died when he was 3 1/2 months old - he died of SIDS over ten years ago and yet the loss is so fresh sometimes. I realize he left me with so many gifts - a love and joy of life I never had before; an appreciation of the people in my life; and the realization that the worst thing in my life has happened, and I got through it and continue to get through it.

Notice I did not say get over it, because you will never get over the death of a child. That was perhaps the hardest part of my whole grief process besides the physical loss - the fact that I would have to face this loss for the rest of my life. So I found ways to bring Ryan into the joyful parts of my life and to include him into our family.

I have since re-married, my husband and son help me celebrate. On Ryan's birthday, every year, we have cake, ice cream and have a celebration. I want his birth date to be a celebration and a rememberance of his physcial presence on earth. On the date of his death, I gather as many helium balloons as I can manage, my husband, my son and I attach messages to each one and we send our love and thoughts up to Ryan. It is so important to me let him know that he has not been forgotten by those who love him. It is so comforting when the balloons disappear into the clouds - it almost seems that he scooped down and grabbed them.

The biggest rememberance of Ryan is with me daily - my collection of angels. After he died, someone sent me an angel with a reminder that he was in Jesus' hands and would be an angel forever. He is my angel Ryan - after that, I started collecting angels, and fortunately I have a very tolerant husband who does not mind a house full of angel statues, pictures, figurines and night lights. Every where I look, there is a gentle reminder of the angel I have and that he is with me and my family always.

Shortly after his death, I was compelled to put together a scrap book of his short life. I started with his birth, special events and ultimately his death. It is all I have of him in the physcial world - and what seemed to be a healing practice then, has carried into a tribute that my son will inherit to pass on to his family -- my son treasures the memories of is brother and is so pleased that I made the scrap book - it seems to give a sense of him phyically and it so important to both of us.

Lastly, the best thing that you can do is let yourself remember - eventually, it won't hurt so much - you look back and ask "would I do it all again?" My answer is yes - if to only hold him one more time, I would have him all over again and I would treasure every moment, every smell, every breath. God bless you all and may your special angel comfort you and hold you in their heart.

This past January 5th was our daughter's first birthday that is if she were alive. We still celebrated like Hannah Grace was with us.

I made a cake and decorated our house in pink steamers with a happy birthday sign. We also took flowers to her grave.

This has helped us alot to celebrate her birth because Hannah was a living baby and a big part of us. She had died three weeks before she was born. We had brought in the New Year together. My husband and other children were sleeping.

She was a special little girl who is still loved and missed and will be remembered every year on her birthday til the day we see her in glory with Jesus.

Right now she is playing in Heaven with other children and also playing patty cake with Jesus. This is what we tell our 9 year old and our 2 year old.

How I'm coping...

This is to anyone out there who is feeling lost at the moment. After 4 weeks of losing my baby I still don't know what to do. It was our first child and Shannon was miscarried at 9 weeks on Mothers Day 2004.

At first the pain and shock is so intense that the grief is difficult to acknowledge, but the hardest part is then leaving hospital after telling family that they've lost a potential Grandchild, niece/nephew. At first people apart from parents avoided me, friends will not avoid they will let you talk. Family that are quiet in your presence are not to be doubted, more often than not they don't know what to say....remember that they are grieving too but everybody grieves in different ways.

TALK ABOUT IT with your partner. Partners find it difficult to cope with too, they react in a different way or feel they have to be strong because your heart is breaking. Talking helps you both and makes you stronger, even though I felt alone as I was the one carrying Shannon, Alan (my husband) was a father and it must be frustrating for the partner as whilst they cannot understand the full meaning of carrying a child, they understand the frustration of not being able to go through the process of the carrying or the pain that the loss has on the mother. Hiding things and holding back feelings only bottles it up and causes more pain. Express yourself freely and allow yourself to feel hurt and unhappy.

REMEMBER. Even though Shannon was only with me for a short time, I decided to give him/her a name. It shows that the child will be remembered and acknowledged and makes grieving easier than if the child was not named. If the sex of the child was too early to determine, choose a multi gender name.

If there's space in the garden plant a small tree and put some statues around it. If there's no space or you haven't a garden, buy a large candle. I also produced my own memorial to Shannon on the computer using graphics of angels. I plan to put it by my tree.

ALLOW YOURSELF TIME. It's been 4 weeks since we lost Shannon and I am still coming to terms....coping is difficult but try to take everyday at a time. When you need people, ring them up. If you feel the need to be alone allow yourself to do that too. It's never easy and I know it won't be for a long time but I hope that this has helped someone.

H.O.P.E.

Thanks for your note on the Festival of Trees. I'm getting very excited about doing this. While I was sitting outside my son's class this afternoon waiting for my parent-teacher conference, there was a catalog of items that the teacher's aide sells. There were some cute angel ornaments in sets of 3 so I asked her to order them for me. I'll have them in time for next month's meeting.

I was inspired this morning and wrote a poem for Hope using the first letters of her first name. I typed it up in PowerPoint along with some beautiful first letters that I downloaded from the internet. I included a single footprint and handprint. I cut it out and framed it in a floating frame. It came out so nice -- I love it. My husband even teared up and said it was very nice! I'll bring it to next month's meeting. It says:

Other thoughts by Kim: