Moving through denial as more reality sets in.

Parents can begin to reflect on where they have been and more fully comprehend all they have lost. Up to now denial protected them, and pain was expected. Now, because others are encouraging them to return to their "old selves," moms and dads begin to wonder if something is really wrong with them...because it still hurts.

Parents can now discuss their grief because they recognize it.

But since bereaved parents often tell everyone that they are "okay," friends and family can't hear about it!! Good days are mixed with "bad" days. Now, parents can usually tell the difference! Where as before, they seemed to cruise along at one level (low).

Parents struggle to piece together the good of what they have with the pain of what they lost.

Often a parents' confusion increases for awhile, while s/he sorts out what to do next. This is a good time to explore new/different coping ideas. Also it helps to stay aware that others have survived this time - with work and perseverance. Healing can happen.

It is about the seventh month that the mom and dad seem to be "going down two different paths."

He hasn't totally healed; he is ready to focus his thoughts on the future. Mom needs to clarify that this is normal and that she still needs to openly grieve - and do what she needs to do to continue to heal. (See Drop Down Box-Father's Grief) Marcia McGinnis 1997

It has been four months. It seems like forever that I have been feeling loss of my son. I have not dealt with this very well or at all for that matter.

I had a journal for the first month but that's about all. I haven't felt normal since this horrible experience.

I guess I really don't know how to deal with my sadness so I just try to ingnore it and they pretend like I don't know that reason for the sudden outburst of tears or feeling the need to go into my room alone and hide from my family. I guess I sould get some help, I really don't know how to go about it though.

Marcia's thoughts: Going t-h-r-o-u-g-h- is the key. Your thoughts about grieving are very normal. Most folks don't know how to grieve or know much about the process of grief.

In the early months "denial" and shock actually protect us from the full inpact of our feelings, but our sadness and confusion as to our reactions are all part of the process. At four months, most folks think they should be "healed" - and those around the grieving parent usually expect everything to be okay by then. Please know that your intense feelings are very normal and moving through the process of grief is what you are doing. Understanding this process can help you a great deal!

Please consider reading through some of the material I have written under "The First 24 Hours and Later" and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal". I wrote both of these with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief. They may help you with your confusion and pain at this time.

The shock has worn off and the extreme "missing of her" has set in. I wrote the following poem just this week.

I came across a picture the other day of me, seven months pregnant. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to see myself like that again! I seriously stared and stared at the picture, not really recognizing the woman in it to be me.

My world has been turned upside down since the death of my child. The woman in the picture is like a stranger, yet, I KNOW IT IS ME! It's as if I am seeing Hope when she was alive, and INSIDE of me!

I loved being pregnant! I hate it so much that not only am I not, but that my baby isn't even here! I've tried to express these feelings in the following poem:

Anxious for my ultrasound to find out your sex. I so looked foward to that. Soon i would start feeling kicks and movements if i had not done so already. I was excited for these times.

But I know that I will be with you again someday , my sweet little angel but right now your being taken care of by the best :o)

I lost my son on March 6, 1999 in my 36th week of pregnancy.

I'll never forget Bryant Mitchell, he left our hopes and dreams forever. He was fully formed, no birth defects, a precious 5 lbs. and 12-1/2 ounce little angel who didn't suffer.

I held him in my arms for as long as I could before the after effects of natural childbirth and demerol finally took it's toll. I remember his face so clearly, and the touch of his dewey skin! He was perfect in every way possible and looked like his dad!

On Tuesday, July 6th, it will mark the four months of his birth and I find myself not being sad, but for realizing that even in this so called perfect world, a part of my life left me, but I remember him as my guardian angel who watches over us every day and protects us!

Love always his mommy!!

Concentrating at work is still difficult, even moreso than I thought it would be. I cringe when I hear people say "we had a new baby" or they talk about their grandchildren.

Friends & family haven't necessarily said, "aren't you over it yet?" But I get the feeling when they say, "oh you seem to be doing better today" really means they think I'm "all better now."

Well, I'm sorry, I will never be "all better." I'll be a little bit better, but never will I say I'm "all better." It's NOT like getting a paper cut!

The head stone we ordered for Ian's grave arrived this week and the kind gentleman at the monument company placed it on 2x4's on Ian's grave, although they can't set it until Spring. I rushed to the cemetary to see it. I knew I would cry uncontrollably, and I did.

I still can't believe it's true. I still have thoughts that any day now my husband and I will be going to the hospital to give birth to our "crying" baby.

Some days it still feels like I'm living in a dream. For 2 days I've been in a hopeless funk, however today I'm "a little bit better."

I guess my point is, there will be "okay" days and "not so okay" days during your grieving process and by all means "it's okay to have those kind of days."

Even though some people must think I'm from another planet, I don't really care. My son never had a chance, I think I have a right to feel this way.

By reading about others experiences I don`t feel so alone and it helps that others have and do feel the same way as I do and have felt.

Even though its been 5 months since Darin's death I still miss him so much! Through your site I've realised that its ok to feel this way.

I've had so many people tell me that I should be over this all by now, but it still hurts so much. I am getting on with my life, but I do still get so upset at times.

Thank you for being there and for all the work u put into this site. It's very much appreciated. Love, Miranda

It's more than 5 months now, and I am more sad than ever.

I miss you growing up and seeing you smile at me. Your cousin Allyssa is turning a year old this October and by that time the family was suppose to be taking a picture with you in it. I can't see that happening because you're in heaven watching over us.

I seem to cry more now this past week. I had so much things planned for both of us sweetheart. I would take you to your daddy's work and show you around to everyone. You would ride with me in the car in your own little carseat we bought specially for you my love. Sorry we couldn't do all those things pooh-head, but we will be together again someday. Mahal na mahal kita Charles.

LOVE ALWAYS,

Mommy

Today, March 11, 1998, at 8:07pm EST marks the sixth month since my son, Ian, was stillborn.

A week ago I received a notice at work regarding a meeting at another company site; meeting date March 11th. I cringed. Should I go? How could I predict how I'd feel a week ahead?

Well, I did end up attending, a 5-hour commute. I was definitely "blue" today, however things were going reasonably well (meaning I didn't break down enough for others to notice) until lunch.

At lunch everyone began chatting about their children (I have no other children now). I hid my head behind the menu and hoped that no one would ask me that dreaded question, "do you have children?" Depending on what mood I'm in depends on how I respond to the question.

Today wasn't a good day for anyone to ask the question since to me March 11th marked a significant "anniversary" of Ian's stillbirth. I prepared a response in my mind. I was going to say, "yes I have a son, but he's not with us, he's in Heaven." The question was never asked of me, so I have some mixed feelings about that. I dreaded the question, yet at the same time I feel slighted because no one asked me. It's a very strange feeling.

A few people asked me, "how are you doing?" I often don't know how to respond to that question either. With one individual whom I hadn't seen in months, I confided that it has been a very emotional six months and today was especially hard; she nodded and said, "good to see you" and then quickly excused herself. The theory "it's old news to others" strikes again. Suddenly I felt extremely isolated.

Five hours later I was back home again. At 8:07pm my husband and I lit a candle in memory of Ian. We cried together and listened to the Eric Clapton song, "Tears in Heaven." I also played several other favorite tunes including Elton John's "Your Song." I bawled. There's something about certain songs; you become attached to them and they symbolize your emotional turmoil and deepest feelings.

I feel guilty today because I was traveling on company business and didn't get to visit Ian's gravesite in the daylight. There have been many other emotional times recently as well.

Last weekend my husband's family all got together to celebrate two birthday's. My brother-in-law and his wife have a 2-year old toddler just beginning to talk. I broke down bawling when she kept chiming, "Mommy Mommy." I often dream of Ian saying that to me.

Our family members don't understand sometimes. My husband had a bad time that night at the birthday party; he confided in me that he, too, had difficulty coping with celebrating other nieces and nephews birthdays knowing that we'd never be able to do that with Ian.

That statement just proves that once we know we're pregnant initially, we prepare for "the future" of our children in so many ways, even to the details of dreaming of birthday parties.

It's still very difficult six months later, however I am starting to feel more hopeful. Recently I read a statement that said, "if your confidence is greater than your fear" then perhaps it's time to consider another pregnancy. That's where we're at right now. My husband and I have decided to attempt another pregnancy soon.

Of course, that doesn't mean we're over the grief of Ian. Far from it. We'll miss Ian forever and we know there are more emotional rollercoaster rides ahead.

Visit "JoAnn's Diary" to read her other entries spanning more than a year's time frame.

Please burn a candle for my daughter, Sana Fatimah Khan, who was born preterm on 18/10/98 and died on 21/10/98.

She wasn't meant to be with me for any longer. I still feel the grief as raw and fresh as back then, and I still cry myself to sleep at night missing what could have been. I don't think I will ever get over my loss.

Marcia's Thoughts:....the fifth and sixth month are often very hard for us after we have lost our baby. All the shock and denial have worn off, everyone else is ready for us to be over our loss, and the reality of it all settles in.

Then, we have to work hard to work with and through our pain. It takes effort to learn and use some coping skills which can help us to heal. Please consider reading "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" and "Coping Ideas" from our Main Drop Down Box if you haven't looked at them.

It is very NORMAL for you to be feeling as you are right now. We do survive, we heal. That doesn't mean we forget. Our baby will always be part of who we are and what we become...at least that is what I believe.

Many thanks for your e-mail. I wasn't expecting to hear from you. To be honest, I had a little cry to myself earlier and your message was the anecdote I so desperately needed. You see, I had thought I was going mad.... not being able to control all the emotions I am feeling. But you mentioned that it is normal for women in my situation to feel this way during the 6th month stage, and hence I am now relieved that I am normal afterall and not crazy as feared. Thank you for burning a candle for my daughter. I appreciate it very much. Thank you for caring.

On my previous letter, I wrote to my son "Mahal na mahal kita Charles" meaning that "I love you always Charles." It's the end of another month and I know that I will never stop loving and thinking of you my love. Mommy misses you so much,I wish that we were together.

I went to visit your grave today, and I planted little flowers in pink, orange, and a mixed pink & white around your grave marker. I hope that you like it, I picked it from your Grandmom's garden that I planted for her. This Saturday your daddy and I will bring you pretty flowers and sing your favorite song "Twinkle twinkle little star."

You know everybody thinks that everything is A-okay since we bought the house but really everything would have been better if you were able to share the house with us. But don't worry I know that you are in heaven and safe with the Lord.

Always and Forever Our Little Angel,

Mommy & Daddy

Hi Marcia!!! Thanks for putting my letters in the website. Yes this Monday we went back and stayed a bit longer and we sang to him his favorite song "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Thanks very much.

Second Entry: Labor Day Weekend: September 2, 2001

My dearest little angel your daddy and I did what we have promised you and went to your gravesite yesterday and placed a beautiful yellow bunched flowers. Its so abundant and wonderful seeing those yellow pom-poms that it just want to make me smile and think of you.

It's another recognize weekend, yes your dad and I get 3 days off but wishes we were all together. Don't worry and think that I am all sad and depressed without you, I could say that I've moved on and accepted that you are gone but will always and forever be in my heart.

Mommy wrote you this poem about a month ago and this feeling of yearning for you is very much true and immense. I love you so much my little angel Charles III.

April 11th marks the 7th month after the loss of our son, Ian.

Many days seem brighter, however within the last few days due to discussions my husband & I have had, I am beginning to realize that our "grief paths" are now going in different directions. Suddenly I feel lonely and isolated. I'm hearing a childhood song in my mind, "you take the high road and I'll take the low road." I hope this "grief road" meets up someplace later! I don't really want to be left alone on a deserted road.

I'm still having emotional days where I withdraw and then eventually cry until I can't cry anymore. Today was one of those days again. After a long day at work, I drove to the cemetary, tended to Ian's gravesite, and cried.

It does make me feel better doing that, but I'm starting to wonder "why am I still doing this?" My husband is questioning the same thing now, I believe. He may state, "you don't have to feel sorry about crying" however I really feel he's thinking "why isn't this situation getting better? Why is she still so bitter?"

Actually looking back on the two months after Ian's stillbirth when all I did was cry every day, every hour of every day, I can see a difference now. If you look back in time until today, I can see a phenomenal change. But if you look back just last week or three weeks ago, probably not much change. It's still going to take time, I guess. The positive thing is, I can see a change "for the better."

I do recognize positive changes in me, and I applaud myself for them.

We need to give ourselves credit sometimes, I think. I no longer immediately feel angry or resentful when I see a pregnant woman or hear of someone who recently had a crying baby.

In fact, I'm feeling "hopeful" for the future (my husband and I have no other children). I no longer cry at the spur of the moment when I see a toddler (like driving home yesterday from work I saw a child riding her tricycle). Instead of me saying (which I would have months ago) "it's not fair, my child died and I won't be able to enjoy those simple pleasures" I think to myself, "I hope that's me someday, helping my child learn to ride a bike." When I think of it that way, I've made incredible progress.

It's a long road, though. I accept the fact that my husband is starting to climb the "high road" and I'm still on the "low road." I told him recently, "I will probably still have bad days." I know that for a fact.

I'm trying to recognize what I can do with that energy in another way. What else can I do to help myself heal? Sometimes I feel as though a black cloud is hanging over me, and I'll never escape it. I hope upcoming weeks ahead and months ahead will help me reach "the higher road."

The other day we found out neighbors of ours are expecting their first child. When my husband suggested we send a card I immediately said, "I don't think I can do that." What a terrible thing to say! In fact, I didn't realize what I had said. When my husband stated, "you shouldn't hold a grudge" I panicked. I started getting emotional and analyzing myself and saying to myself, "what is wrong with you, do you realize what you said?" Of course, I apologized.

Even though some days I feel hopeful and less resentful, there are some other days mixed in between where I am extremely jealous. I guess "jealous" sums it up. I wish I were in their shoes. I wish my experience was all a dream.

Unfortunately, I can't change the situation. Ian was stillborn. It happened. He is still our son, though. He will never be forgotten and forever loved.

Day by day, I'll get "better" and hopefully not more "bitter." I'm trying. It's hard. I applaud myself for trying.

My Love it has been 7 months since you went back to Jesus and me and your daddy want you to know that every single day our love for you grows and grows! While it breaks my heart that you are not here I am so proud and happy to have known you and for you to be my son. You have put so much love and understanding in our hearts. We miss you our "little Pooh Bear"! Never forget how much we love you and once again happy 7 month birthday in heaven!

I had a miscarriage in Sept I was 16 wks pregnant. This came after 8 yrs of infertility treatment.

I also had a early misc 3yrs ago & a ectopic 2yrs ago. When I found out I was pregnant you can imagine how happy I was. Everything was ok except for placenta previa.

Until one night I had pressure and a pain right in the middle above my pubic bone went to the doc he said it was stretching. 2hrs later my water broke, then they asked if I ever had a cone biopsy which I did 10yrs ago. Then they told me I would miscarry there was nothing they could do.

12 hrs later I delivered my son & daughter's lifeless bodies into this world. I didn't know there could be such emotional pain.

I find now that its almost 7 months later there is still a emptiness that never leaves me, and as the holidays and spring loom ever closer I feel worse.

With all the other woman in my family having babies I get more depressed. I think this is all made worse by the fact that I can't try on my own. I need to do another invitro and if that works then I need a cerclage which is not guaranteed.

I am so scared and uncertain of trying again it seems at times that everything is working against me. Theresa

My son is suppose to be 7 months old today!!!

I have been thinking a lot this week and wishing my son was alive and with me. Today, September 17th, he would have turned 7 months old. How fast time goes by and how sad I am still, lonely without my precious little boy.

As I was driving and listening to the radio today, the song, "Big Brown Eyes," by Destiny's Child played and I started crying, the song simply said so much about how I feel about my son, that I love him no matter what. I dedicate that song to him today as he turned 7 months in heaven.

We lost our baby girl Britni when I was six months pregnant.

I had a completely perfect pregnancy and I was so positive that everything was going to be ok. We listened to her heartbeat all the time at home and the doctors never even saw a reason for me to have an ultra sound. So we never got to see her move.

On June 30, 1997 I separated from the Air Force because I was pregnant--she died only two days later. We found out on the 6th and I went in to start labor on the 8th.

I delivered her after 14 long hours on the 9th. My husband was by my side the whole time--I couldn't have done it without him. We have wonderful pictures of her and we got her prints and had her Baptized also.

Today is the eight month anniversary. I miss her terribly even though I never really had the chance to "meet" her. She will always be with us. In loving memory of Britni and yours, Jenni

Hi. Right now I'm lost, and I'm falling apart. In our 8th month of pregnancy I stopped feeling our daughter move.

When I went to the hospital, they showed me the ultrasound and told me she died 2 days prior. They induced labor and I delivered a perfect baby girl, that died from a blood clot in the umbilical cord. I just miss her terriblly and I feel empty inside...as if there is a huge hole inside me. It's been about 8 months now, and I am still a mess.

I found out I was pregnant again about 2 months ago, only to have another ultrasound with no heartbeat.

Although the doctor's seem to think it was "normal" and I should have no trouble in the future, I am terrified to try again.

I just want my babies! I just don't know how I'll ever get through this.

On Aug.30 1998 i had a beutiful baby girl, we thought she had a problem that would be fixed by a simple surgery. 12 hours after we found out baby girl would not survive any surgery, she was born without a windpipe. Being #48 in the world nothing could be done except 3 wounderful days of love an memories!!!!

After she passed we took her home to TN. where we are from. When we got back home I would sit in my room wanting to write something for her until one night it hit me!!

Oh my Love how I miss you so much! People might say or think that I should get over losing you but I don't think that I have really started. I feel so numb sometimes, especially when I relive the day that you were born. Such a horrible day but so beautiful at the same time. You were so beautiful Angel.

I know you know that you looked just like daddy and I know that I am right when I tell him that you loved him so much that you asked God to make you look just like him before he sent you here to be inside my womb. The days that you were here with us were so beautiful, so happy, so full of anticipation for your arrival. You made us so very happy.

Sometimes I look through your things and I get a happy feeling. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like when I used to read Winnie the Pooh to you. I know you remember. Although it was only last year, I feel like it was such a long time ago.

You have made such a big impact my life. You have given me a mission. To try to help other people and other babies. I love you so much. I mean I am happy that you are in heaven, but I just miss you oh so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you Angel.

When I found out I was pregnant in April I was so happy. 2 weeks later after I had that nightmare though, I felt like my life was over all over again. I know in my heart though that it was you that had come back. Why did you go back again to heaven, I don't know. All I know is that someday we will be together.

It has been 8 months since you were born and although it feels like it was such a long time ago, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I love you sooooo much Angel. Daddy adores you too our little "Pooh Baby". Well Angel like it said in this poem I just read here on Share, I did love you soooooo much from the start. I hope that I taught you all of the right lessons and that that is why you went back to heaven. Until I get to hold you again Angel know that me and daddy love you and that we know you are always here with us.

I miss our darling Samuel so much. It has been eight months now since his death and although I think I have made some progress, I still feel so sad.

The hardest thing for me is the lack of support from my family and my friends. So many people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of grief and death that they can not talk about it. I also have been told so many dumb things like well it was God's will or you can have another baby or it wasn't meant to be. Like those words would comfort me somehow.

My dh has been very supportive and loving, and I have made some good friends in my support group. I am so glad that I found the group.

Don't ask me how I got through the hardest time (holidays)for me. I went through the motions of "enjoying" the season, all the while dying inside with rage because my precious son will never enjoy a holiday with me. I did fine on Thanksgiving until I went to the cemetary and talked to him. I remember crying and wishing with all my heart things were different and I had something... anything to be thankful for.

I really felt as if my heart would break as I geared up for Christmas, what used to be my absolute favorite holiday. I hated all the gaiety of the season this year. I didn't want to do anything but of course, life goes on and so I did. I went shopping, dying each time I saw a tiny little baby (and it seemed like everywhere I went, there were 50!) or a pregnant woman.

I thought I would be fine as long as I didn't have to deal with stupid, insensitive people. I felt as if I stayed around those who have been with me the whole time, I would not have to deal with anyone... BUT... I was so wrong. Even those who have been really wonderful made hurtful comments about things I was doing just to get through the rough times.

Thank God for Marcia and this website! I have had two very meaningful conversations in the past month and both of you wonderful ladies... I think you were lead to call because without the two of you, I am not sure I would have been able to get through... THANK YOU BOTH SO VERY MUCH!!! (Angela Johnson - she is doing the online subsequent pregnancy diary right now-1/05).

As Christmas got closer, I hurt more and dreaded the time when I would be around all of the family. Sure enough, it was so very hard to pretend to exude happiness and peace, when I was hurting so badly. My little sister, who I love as if she was my own child, did something that made things better somewhat though. I was so afraid that people would think it was strange of me to buy CJ's grandparents something from him but it was all I could do to get through. Even though she is only 19, my sister got it! She, and she was the only one, bought me two little Precious Moments angel statues w/ my husband's and my birthstone. She bought another one but didn't tell me about it until we were opening up presents. She handed this little box to me that read on the tag "CJ, Love Auntie Sam" and when I could see past my tears, I opened the box and it was his birthstone angel, as well.

No one else even acknowledged him other than my husband and me. It made me feel so much love for her, more than usual, because of all of our family, she was the one who remembered her nephew and wanted to let me and my husband know that no matter whether he is living on this earth or not, she will always love him and miss him, just like we do. It helped a lot.

I did pretty well the next day too! Until I went to the cemetary and wished him a Merry Christmas. I have a question: Will it ever get any easier to go and look at his headstone? It hurts to see his name written on that cold gray slab of rock yet, it gives me peace as well.

The hardest part is that no matter what holiday I survive, my heart breaks each time someone else celebrates. CJ will never see a holiday with his family. That just breaks my heart every time I think I am beginning to heal! I am almost at the six month mark and even though my heart hurts, almost as bad as it did when he died, I still think I am getting better.

I can HOPE right? After all, as Marcia told me: there is always HOPE! Almost six months later, I am still a proud mommy who talks about her little boy's time here as much as possible. I am healing but it is a slow go!!! CJ's Mommy Crystal

Hello everyone: I actually posted my story back in January, but I have not managed to come to a meeting. I have tried to go to a meeting a few times but My son had baseball or I worked late or whatever reason I could tell myself. I think that I am scared or I just do not know if the meetings will help me with my situation. I just do not know. I do keep up with this website and I do read books, articles, and any other info I may find.

One day I seem happy and others I do not feel like myself.

My duaghter was born on 12/02/04 and passed away a little after an hour after my c-section. We knew that she would pass and I tried being strong. Gabrielle had what is known as the enlarged vein of galen and she had a hemmorage that caused a stroke leading to her delivery at 28 weeks. She only had a beating heart and was not functioning and was unable to swallow and her little body was just building up with fluid. So the doctors said that they now had to deliver her for my own health. I would have to prepare myself for the death of my little girl.

I am not sure if I have really grieved. It has been almost eight months, and I did cry while in the hospital and when I had to go home without her. I sometimes cry out of the blue while driving. I just feel like it is a dream of some sort, not reality.

I keep busy, but I have to say I was already an emotional person but now I cry about everything. I know deep down this is because of my sadness, and I am not the hsppy person I once was.

My husband says I was never a depressed person and he did not know how to deal with me because he has been diagnosed with depression and obsessvie cumplusive disorder. I have just been able to bounce back when I am sad. But I stayed in bed for two weeks and he was telling me that he could not run the household alone. He said our home does not run without mama.

I got up, but I was angry because I feel that I was rushed. I did it for my husband and my marriage. We have had to really work on staying together and keeping our nine year old son happy but we have gotten through it.

My husband will sometimes have her on his mind and he just keeps busy. He is quiet and I see the sadness. I have to say that I keep this sadnes with me, and I want it to go away.

I do not even have the same interests and I keep to myself a lot. I want to speak of my baby girl and it seems that poeple never want to listen because they only see sadness but I just want to celebrate her life and be able to talk about her. I am told by so many people oh you can try again, like that will replace her.

Due to my on medical history and the fact that I had a miscarriage a few years before Gabrielle, I am not sure if we will try for another child. My doctors have asked me to wait a year and then we will see.

I do think about another pregnency, but I am just not sure. I have raddled on and on but I just have to get it out. I know I will heal and others will also heal but it seems like eternity before that will happen.

I am currently trying to complete a scrapbook but it seems I only complete one page a month. I would like to thank everyone for hearing me out and I know we are all in this together. Simone Gabrielle's mom