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Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts
Fourth to Eighth Month after a Loss....sometimes the most confusing period!

Moving through denial as more reality sets in.

Parents can begin to reflect on where they have been and more fully comprehend all they have lost. Up to now denial protected them, and pain was expected. Now, because others are encouraging them to return to their "old selves," moms and dads begin to wonder if something is really wrong with them...because it still hurts.

Parents can now discuss their grief because they recognize it.

But since bereaved parents often tell everyone that they are "okay," friends and family can't hear about it!! Good days are mixed with "bad" days. Now, parents can usually tell the difference! Where as before, they seemed to cruise along at one level (low).

Parents struggle to piece together the good of what they have with the pain of what they lost.

Often a parents' confusion increases for awhile, while s/he sorts out what to do next. This is a good time to explore new/different coping ideas. Also it helps to stay aware that others have survived this time - with work and perseverance. Healing can happen.

It is about the seventh month that the mom and dad seem to be "going down two different paths."

He hasn't totally healed; he is ready to focus his thoughts on the future. Mom needs to clarify that this is normal and that she still needs to openly grieve - and do what she needs to do to continue to heal. (See Drop Down Box-Father's Grief) Marcia McGinnis 1997

Poems and letters on this page

Emails about the Grieving Process that parallel thoughts on this page.

"The Picture"...thoughts and a poem after 4 Amy (5/15/99)

"Right now I would be about 4 1/2 months pregnant..." by Jen (8/6/99)

"Bryant Mitchell, March 6, 1999 - four months later" by Darla (6/29/99)

"Crashing Down 5 Months Later" by JoAnn (2/98)

(5 months later...) I've had so many people tell me that I should be over this all by now, but it still hurts so Miranda (3/7/99)

"5 Months and counting..." by Alta (7/29/01)

"6 Months Later" by JoAnn (3/98)

"Sana Fatimah Khan..6 months later..." by Farah

"August 30, 2001..." by Alta (8/30/01)

"7 Months Later" by JoAnn (4/98)

"Dear Angel" by Monica (5/5/99)...7 Months later

"Britni Nicole...on her eighth month anniversary..." by Jenni (3/98)

Eight Months...and two losses...I'm falling apart...(3/17/99)

"Brittany Nichole..."My Days Without You!" by Tina (5/18/99)

"All My Love" by Monica (6/12/99)

"Sometimes Time Dosen't Heal All Wounds..7 Months later" by Tree (4/00)

Mona"It's been four months...seems like forever..try to ignore...don't know how to go through it...

"Missing Samuel, eight months later..." by Kerri (10/2/00)

My son is suppose to be 7 months old today!!! by Alta (9/17/01)

"I SURVIVED..." by Crystal (1/10/05)

"8 Months Later..I am not sure if I have really grieved." by Simone (7/30/05) GA

It's been four months...seems like forever..try to ignore...don't know how to go through it...

It has been four months. It seems like forever that I have been feeling loss of my son. I have not dealt with this very well or at all for that matter.

I had a journal for the first month but that's about all. I haven't felt normal since this horrible experience.

I guess I really don't know how to deal with my sadness so I just try to ingnore it and they pretend like I don't know that reason for the sudden outburst of tears or feeling the need to go into my room alone and hide from my family. I guess I sould get some help, I really don't know how to go about it though.

Marcia's thoughts: Going t-h-r-o-u-g-h- is the key. Your thoughts about grieving are very normal. Most folks don't know how to grieve or know much about the process of grief.

In the early months "denial" and shock actually protect us from the full inpact of our feelings, but our sadness and confusion as to our reactions are all part of the process. At four months, most folks think they should be "healed" - and those around the grieving parent usually expect everything to be okay by then. Please know that your intense feelings are very normal and moving through the process of grief is what you are doing. Understanding this process can help you a great deal!

Please consider reading through some of the material I have written under "The First 24 Hours and Later" and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal". I wrote both of these with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief. They may help you with your confusion and pain at this time.

Justin Kamakai
June, 9 2000
Second trimester loss
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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It has been nearly four months since we lost our precious Hope. Yet, I am feeling probably the worst I have since she died.

The shock has worn off and the extreme "missing of her" has set in. I wrote the following poem just this week.

I came across a picture the other day of me, seven months pregnant. I couldn't believe how much it hurt to see myself like that again! I seriously stared and stared at the picture, not really recognizing the woman in it to be me.

My world has been turned upside down since the death of my child. The woman in the picture is like a stranger, yet, I KNOW IT IS ME! It's as if I am seeing Hope when she was alive, and INSIDE of me!

I loved being pregnant! I hate it so much that not only am I not, but that my baby isn't even here! I've tried to express these feelings in the following poem:

The Picture

Today I saw a picture
I had not seen in a while.
It was me with a big, round belly,
and on my face a smile.

The reality of you being gone
came suddenly rushing in.
I stared at "you," I stared at me,
and tried to deny again-

The woman in the picture
wasn't really me-
she was happy, too full of life
not suffering, grieving, bereaved.

"No! That can't possibly be me-
so wonderfully pregnant like that!"
Then automatically a hand reached down
to touch the stomach so flat.

Rubbbing it softly
the tears began as I cried,
"Oh my baby, my sweet, sweet baby!
Why did you have to die?"

Uninvited, the feelings returned:
emptiness, insignificance, despair.
I looked up and cried out loud,

Agony took over my body
as my fist shook up at the sky-
"Oh Father, please answer me!

There wasn't an answer,
only silence all around-
except for the sound of my weeping
and my foot stomping the ground.

I felt like a child once more,
and yet, so very old.
"These feelings will subside in time,"
at least that's what I'm told.

I can't see past the present
to look forward to the future.
How can I ever be happy
when all I do is miss her?

Without even noticing,
my hand was there again.
Lovingly touching my stomach,
I remembered your eyes, your nose, your chin.

Those tiny hands and feet-
precious baby, I'll never forget
that beautiful moment-
the first time when we met.

I know I'll always remember
that special time and place;
the way your Daddy held you
and gently kissed your face.

The tears began to dry
as I put the picture away.
"Father," I whispered, "please help me-
Please heal me," I prayed.

The woman in the picture?
Yes-I know it is me.
Someday I may smile like that again-
but for now, I must grieve.

For my baby girl, Hope. I miss you every day.

Love always,

(In anticipation of my first Mother's Day with and without you.)

"Our "Hope" is in Heaven" by Amy (3/17/99)

Jan. 10, 1999
Roswell, GA

Marcia's Thoughts: You wrote "my" poem...I had a similar situation happen after Seth died. A picture of myself made me even more aware of the pain I was feeling. I felt I was looking at a "Stranger" in the picture...certainly not me! It was after I looked at this picture that I hunted for some support! I was seven months down the road.

As I have written in my notes under "The First Year," the 4-6 months are almost harder than the first several. As you have written, the reality of it all sinks in and, for some, others have expected them to "move on." The confusion in our hearts and souls can be great! I believe God does care, that is why we find each other and how and why we find the strength to continue and to heal.

My mind and heart felt your feelings...I have shared similar ones(as have others), thank you for expressing them so very well. Most of all thank you for sharing them WITH us all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Right now I would be about 4 1/2 months pregnant...

Anxious for my ultrasound to find out your sex. I so looked foward to that. Soon i would start feeling kicks and movements if i had not done so already. I was excited for these times.

But I know that I will be with you again someday , my sweet little angel but right now your being taken care of by the best :o)

Mommy and Daddy Miss you and love you even more...

Angel Ford
July 7, 1999
Matthews, NC
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Bryant Mitchell, March 6, 1999 - four months later

I lost my son on March 6, 1999 in my 36th week of pregnancy.

I'll never forget Bryant Mitchell, he left our hopes and dreams forever. He was fully formed, no birth defects, a precious 5 lbs. and 12-1/2 ounce little angel who didn't suffer.

I held him in my arms for as long as I could before the after effects of natural childbirth and demerol finally took it's toll. I remember his face so clearly, and the touch of his dewey skin! He was perfect in every way possible and looked like his dad!

On Tuesday, July 6th, it will mark the four months of his birth and I find myself not being sad, but for realizing that even in this so called perfect world, a part of my life left me, but I remember him as my guardian angel who watches over us every day and protects us!

Love always his mommy!!

Bronx, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Crashing Down 5 Months Later

February 11th marks 5 months since I gave birth to a stillborn son, Ian. Looking back 5 months ago, I feel I've come a long way.

Concentrating at work is still difficult, even moreso than I thought it would be. I cringe when I hear people say "we had a new baby" or they talk about their grandchildren.

Friends & family haven't necessarily said, "aren't you over it yet?" But I get the feeling when they say, "oh you seem to be doing better today" really means they think I'm "all better now."

Well, I'm sorry, I will never be "all better." I'll be a little bit better, but never will I say I'm "all better." It's NOT like getting a paper cut!

The head stone we ordered for Ian's grave arrived this week and the kind gentleman at the monument company placed it on 2x4's on Ian's grave, although they can't set it until Spring. I rushed to the cemetary to see it. I knew I would cry uncontrollably, and I did.

I still can't believe it's true. I still have thoughts that any day now my husband and I will be going to the hospital to give birth to our "crying" baby.

Some days it still feels like I'm living in a dream. For 2 days I've been in a hopeless funk, however today I'm "a little bit better."

I guess my point is, there will be "okay" days and "not so okay" days during your grieving process and by all means "it's okay to have those kind of days."

Even though some people must think I'm from another planet, I don't really care. My son never had a chance, I think I have a right to feel this way.

Visit "JoAnn's Diary" to read her other entries during more than a year's time frame. JoAnn
Ian Marcus Walter
Binghamton, NY

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I've found this share site so helpful..I lost my son Darin last November at 21 weeks. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck.

By reading about others experiences I don`t feel so alone and it helps that others have and do feel the same way as I do and have felt.

Even though its been 5 months since Darin's death I still miss him so much! Through your site I've realised that its ok to feel this way.

I've had so many people tell me that I should be over this all by now, but it still hurts so much. I am getting on with my life, but I do still get so upset at times.

Thank you for being there and for all the work u put into this site. It's very much appreciated. Love, Miranda

For Miranda's story..."Darin`s story"

Darin Krystofer Watson-Biggs
Second trimester loss
Southampton, Hampshire


Marcia's thoughts: Your thougths and others comments are very normal. I hope you have read about Grief, "Getting stuck in Grief," "Grief and Emotions," and "Grief and Others' Influence" well as JoAnn's Diary. All of these focus on the fact that grief takes longer than what most folks think AND it is normal to grief longer than what most folks think.

Thank you for the supportive words. I know I felt so alone, especially after my first two losses, this site is an effort to help others know that they are not alone and that with "work" and understanding we survive these losses.

We will never forget but, hopefully, to carry the love we have for our special babies in a way that might help others or at least make us not bitter. No baby would want that for his/her parent.

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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5 Months and counting...

It's more than 5 months now, and I am more sad than ever.

I miss you growing up and seeing you smile at me. Your cousin Allyssa is turning a year old this October and by that time the family was suppose to be taking a picture with you in it. I can't see that happening because you're in heaven watching over us.

I seem to cry more now this past week. I had so much things planned for both of us sweetheart. I would take you to your daddy's work and show you around to everyone. You would ride with me in the car in your own little carseat we bought specially for you my love. Sorry we couldn't do all those things pooh-head, but we will be together again someday. Mahal na mahal kita Charles.



Charles Dalton Wilson III

Marcia's thoughts: Your feelings are real and as I have written and seen over and over - this is one of the most intense times there is during that first year. I know it is very difficult to believe the pain will ever lessen, but I promise it will. You are working hard at grieving and figuring out how to cope.

"Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/19/01) and "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/30/01)

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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6 Months Later

Today, March 11, 1998, at 8:07pm EST marks the sixth month since my son, Ian, was stillborn.

A week ago I received a notice at work regarding a meeting at another company site; meeting date March 11th. I cringed. Should I go? How could I predict how I'd feel a week ahead?

Well, I did end up attending, a 5-hour commute. I was definitely "blue" today, however things were going reasonably well (meaning I didn't break down enough for others to notice) until lunch.

At lunch everyone began chatting about their children (I have no other children now). I hid my head behind the menu and hoped that no one would ask me that dreaded question, "do you have children?" Depending on what mood I'm in depends on how I respond to the question.

Today wasn't a good day for anyone to ask the question since to me March 11th marked a significant "anniversary" of Ian's stillbirth. I prepared a response in my mind. I was going to say, "yes I have a son, but he's not with us, he's in Heaven." The question was never asked of me, so I have some mixed feelings about that. I dreaded the question, yet at the same time I feel slighted because no one asked me. It's a very strange feeling.

A few people asked me, "how are you doing?" I often don't know how to respond to that question either. With one individual whom I hadn't seen in months, I confided that it has been a very emotional six months and today was especially hard; she nodded and said, "good to see you" and then quickly excused herself. The theory "it's old news to others" strikes again. Suddenly I felt extremely isolated.

Five hours later I was back home again. At 8:07pm my husband and I lit a candle in memory of Ian. We cried together and listened to the Eric Clapton song, "Tears in Heaven." I also played several other favorite tunes including Elton John's "Your Song." I bawled. There's something about certain songs; you become attached to them and they symbolize your emotional turmoil and deepest feelings.

I feel guilty today because I was traveling on company business and didn't get to visit Ian's gravesite in the daylight. There have been many other emotional times recently as well.

Last weekend my husband's family all got together to celebrate two birthday's. My brother-in-law and his wife have a 2-year old toddler just beginning to talk. I broke down bawling when she kept chiming, "Mommy Mommy." I often dream of Ian saying that to me.

Our family members don't understand sometimes. My husband had a bad time that night at the birthday party; he confided in me that he, too, had difficulty coping with celebrating other nieces and nephews birthdays knowing that we'd never be able to do that with Ian.

That statement just proves that once we know we're pregnant initially, we prepare for "the future" of our children in so many ways, even to the details of dreaming of birthday parties.

It's still very difficult six months later, however I am starting to feel more hopeful. Recently I read a statement that said, "if your confidence is greater than your fear" then perhaps it's time to consider another pregnancy. That's where we're at right now. My husband and I have decided to attempt another pregnancy soon.

Of course, that doesn't mean we're over the grief of Ian. Far from it. We'll miss Ian forever and we know there are more emotional rollercoaster rides ahead.

Visit "JoAnn's Diary" to read her other entries spanning more than a year's time frame.

Ian Marcus Walter
Binghamton, NY


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Sana Fatimah Khan
Entry #1, April 20:

Please burn a candle for my daughter, Sana Fatimah Khan, who was born preterm on 18/10/98 and died on 21/10/98.

She wasn't meant to be with me for any longer. I still feel the grief as raw and fresh as back then, and I still cry myself to sleep at night missing what could have been. I don't think I will ever get over my loss.

Marcia's Thoughts:....the fifth and sixth month are often very hard for us after we have lost our baby. All the shock and denial have worn off, everyone else is ready for us to be over our loss, and the reality of it all settles in.

Then, we have to work hard to work with and through our pain. It takes effort to learn and use some coping skills which can help us to heal. Please consider reading "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" and "Coping Ideas" from our Main Drop Down Box if you haven't looked at them.

It is very NORMAL for you to be feeling as you are right now. We do survive, we heal. That doesn't mean we forget. Our baby will always be part of who we are and what we least that is what I believe.

Entry #2, April 27:

Many thanks for your e-mail. I wasn't expecting to hear from you. To be honest, I had a little cry to myself earlier and your message was the anecdote I so desperately needed. You see, I had thought I was going mad.... not being able to control all the emotions I am feeling. But you mentioned that it is normal for women in my situation to feel this way during the 6th month stage, and hence I am now relieved that I am normal afterall and not crazy as feared. Thank you for burning a candle for my daughter. I appreciate it very much. Thank you for caring.

London, England

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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August 30, 2001

On my previous letter, I wrote to my son "Mahal na mahal kita Charles" meaning that "I love you always Charles." It's the end of another month and I know that I will never stop loving and thinking of you my love. Mommy misses you so much,I wish that we were together.

I went to visit your grave today, and I planted little flowers in pink, orange, and a mixed pink & white around your grave marker. I hope that you like it, I picked it from your Grandmom's garden that I planted for her. This Saturday your daddy and I will bring you pretty flowers and sing your favorite song "Twinkle twinkle little star."

You know everybody thinks that everything is A-okay since we bought the house but really everything would have been better if you were able to share the house with us. But don't worry I know that you are in heaven and safe with the Lord.

Always and Forever Our Little Angel,

Mommy & Daddy

Hi Marcia!!! Thanks for putting my letters in the website. Yes this Monday we went back and stayed a bit longer and we sang to him his favorite song "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star." Thanks very much.

Second Entry: Labor Day Weekend: September 2, 2001

My dearest little angel your daddy and I did what we have promised you and went to your gravesite yesterday and placed a beautiful yellow bunched flowers. Its so abundant and wonderful seeing those yellow pom-poms that it just want to make me smile and think of you.

It's another recognize weekend, yes your dad and I get 3 days off but wishes we were all together. Don't worry and think that I am all sad and depressed without you, I could say that I've moved on and accepted that you are gone but will always and forever be in my heart.

Mommy wrote you this poem about a month ago and this feeling of yearning for you is very much true and immense. I love you so much my little angel Charles III.

Missing You

I miss your beautiful red lips
I miss your beautiful brown eyes
I miss your cute little nose
I miss your cute little ears
But most of all,
I miss everything about you.

From your loving Mommy

Charles Dalton Wilson III

Marcia's thoughts: Thank you for sharing what you were saying to Charles. I love what you did at his grave site. I know that he likes it. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Others think we heal just because we have "moved on outwardly." This is especially true during the sixth month mark. That is what makes this time even harder because our hearts are not fooled by what others think or what we try to do to make it look as though "all is well." Giving yourself "permission to grieve" as you are doing is very important for healing.

"Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/19/01) and "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/30/01)

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Month 7 After Our Loss
I do recognize positive changes in me,
and I applaud myself for them.
We need to give ourselves credit sometimes, I think.

April 11th marks the 7th month after the loss of our son, Ian.

Many days seem brighter, however within the last few days due to discussions my husband & I have had, I am beginning to realize that our "grief paths" are now going in different directions. Suddenly I feel lonely and isolated. I'm hearing a childhood song in my mind, "you take the high road and I'll take the low road." I hope this "grief road" meets up someplace later! I don't really want to be left alone on a deserted road.

I'm still having emotional days where I withdraw and then eventually cry until I can't cry anymore. Today was one of those days again. After a long day at work, I drove to the cemetary, tended to Ian's gravesite, and cried.

It does make me feel better doing that, but I'm starting to wonder "why am I still doing this?" My husband is questioning the same thing now, I believe. He may state, "you don't have to feel sorry about crying" however I really feel he's thinking "why isn't this situation getting better? Why is she still so bitter?"

Actually looking back on the two months after Ian's stillbirth when all I did was cry every day, every hour of every day, I can see a difference now. If you look back in time until today, I can see a phenomenal change. But if you look back just last week or three weeks ago, probably not much change. It's still going to take time, I guess. The positive thing is, I can see a change "for the better."

I do recognize positive changes in me, and I applaud myself for them.

We need to give ourselves credit sometimes, I think. I no longer immediately feel angry or resentful when I see a pregnant woman or hear of someone who recently had a crying baby.

In fact, I'm feeling "hopeful" for the future (my husband and I have no other children). I no longer cry at the spur of the moment when I see a toddler (like driving home yesterday from work I saw a child riding her tricycle). Instead of me saying (which I would have months ago) "it's not fair, my child died and I won't be able to enjoy those simple pleasures" I think to myself, "I hope that's me someday, helping my child learn to ride a bike." When I think of it that way, I've made incredible progress.

It's a long road, though. I accept the fact that my husband is starting to climb the "high road" and I'm still on the "low road." I told him recently, "I will probably still have bad days." I know that for a fact.

I'm trying to recognize what I can do with that energy in another way. What else can I do to help myself heal? Sometimes I feel as though a black cloud is hanging over me, and I'll never escape it. I hope upcoming weeks ahead and months ahead will help me reach "the higher road."

The other day we found out neighbors of ours are expecting their first child. When my husband suggested we send a card I immediately said, "I don't think I can do that." What a terrible thing to say! In fact, I didn't realize what I had said. When my husband stated, "you shouldn't hold a grudge" I panicked. I started getting emotional and analyzing myself and saying to myself, "what is wrong with you, do you realize what you said?" Of course, I apologized.

Even though some days I feel hopeful and less resentful, there are some other days mixed in between where I am extremely jealous. I guess "jealous" sums it up. I wish I were in their shoes. I wish my experience was all a dream.

Unfortunately, I can't change the situation. Ian was stillborn. It happened. He is still our son, though. He will never be forgotten and forever loved.

Day by day, I'll get "better" and hopefully not more "bitter." I'm trying. It's hard. I applaud myself for trying.

Ian Marcus Walter
Binghamton, NY
E-mail 3/9/98

Marcia's comment...
JoAnn's letter reflects the thoughts, feelings and reactions of someone who is trying hard to heal, but still has, honestly, addressed her real "now" place. There is no time frame for an individual's grieving process. As she states her husband is possibily, for now, going down another path. Very Normal!!!!

JoAnn's actions and expressions of remembering sound very much in line with what I have heard and studied for 13 years as a group leader. She needs to do concrete things for Ian.

If both parents will understand that what is happening is normal, then the energy put into worrying about what's "right," can be focused on healing.

Both parents sound like they are healing! JoAnn's clear statement - that she can observe change and healing taking place, and she can begin to make small steps for the future - is very positive!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Dear Angel,

My Love it has been 7 months since you went back to Jesus and me and your daddy want you to know that every single day our love for you grows and grows! While it breaks my heart that you are not here I am so proud and happy to have known you and for you to be my son. You have put so much love and understanding in our hearts. We miss you our "little Pooh Bear"! Never forget how much we love you and once again happy 7 month birthday in heaven!

Love you always!
Mommy and Daddy

Angel Mendoza
Los Angeles, CA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Sometimes Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds

I had a miscarriage in Sept I was 16 wks pregnant. This came after 8 yrs of infertility treatment.

I also had a early misc 3yrs ago & a ectopic 2yrs ago. When I found out I was pregnant you can imagine how happy I was. Everything was ok except for placenta previa.

Until one night I had pressure and a pain right in the middle above my pubic bone went to the doc he said it was stretching. 2hrs later my water broke, then they asked if I ever had a cone biopsy which I did 10yrs ago. Then they told me I would miscarry there was nothing they could do.

12 hrs later I delivered my son & daughter's lifeless bodies into this world. I didn't know there could be such emotional pain.

I find now that its almost 7 months later there is still a emptiness that never leaves me, and as the holidays and spring loom ever closer I feel worse.

With all the other woman in my family having babies I get more depressed. I think this is all made worse by the fact that I can't try on my own. I need to do another invitro and if that works then I need a cerclage which is not guaranteed.

I am so scared and uncertain of trying again it seems at times that everything is working against me. Theresa

Francesca & Robert
Midterm Loss

Marcia's thoughts: You have been through much loss, pain and confusion. I can imagine that you have not given yourself much permission to grieve all that you have been through. After early loss parents often deny themselves the need to grieve. You cannot heal without grieving. Please read all that is on the site about miscarriage and ectopic pregnancies.

Then, you are consumed by the medical situation around getting and staying pregnant. This loss of innocence and the reality of complications involved are other losses to grieve. There is information on the site, under Medical Links about incompetent cervixes, infertility issues, and so forth. Making sure you have a supportive medical team where you live is very important.

We just had our "Grief and Future Choices" meeting with our local group and these were ALL discussed because they are valid and real concerns as a parent considers another pregnancy. We also discussed other options such as adoption, etc. (these are referenced to under our Subsequent Pregnancy Issues).

Time in itself will not heal your pain. It takes work and energy to work through the grieving process and to learn to cope. In our group and on this site this reality is discussed a lot. We can and do survive these losses, but it does take support and learning over a period of time.

Please read, "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" and some of the other entries about miscarriage. Also, consider doing something in memory of your babies (such as lighting our candles or including them in our Memorial Garden). There are many suggestions under "Coping Ideas" in our drop down box.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My son is suppose to be 7 months old today!!!

I have been thinking a lot this week and wishing my son was alive and with me. Today, September 17th, he would have turned 7 months old. How fast time goes by and how sad I am still, lonely without my precious little boy.

As I was driving and listening to the radio today, the song, "Big Brown Eyes," by Destiny's Child played and I started crying, the song simply said so much about how I feel about my son, that I love him no matter what. I dedicate that song to him today as he turned 7 months in heaven.

I love you with all my heart Charlie!!!
I miss you so much!!!

Love & Kisses,
Charles Dalton Wilson III

"Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/19/01) and "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/30/01)

I just want to let the Share Atlanta staff know that I am very grateful for having you as a resource. Your website has helped me quite a bit in my sorrow and grief. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for helping me heal. I myself have tried many of your suggestions to live and be happy. To think positive and to think of the future blessings to come.

In loving memory of my beautiful son, Charles D. Wilson III, 3-17-01

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Today is the eight month anniversary.
I miss her terribly even though I never really had the chance to "meet" her.

We lost our baby girl Britni when I was six months pregnant.

I had a completely perfect pregnancy and I was so positive that everything was going to be ok. We listened to her heartbeat all the time at home and the doctors never even saw a reason for me to have an ultra sound. So we never got to see her move.

On June 30, 1997 I separated from the Air Force because I was pregnant--she died only two days later. We found out on the 6th and I went in to start labor on the 8th.

I delivered her after 14 long hours on the 9th. My husband was by my side the whole time--I couldn't have done it without him. We have wonderful pictures of her and we got her prints and had her Baptized also.

Today is the eight month anniversary. I miss her terribly even though I never really had the chance to "meet" her. She will always be with us. In loving memory of Britni and yours, Jenni

Britni Nicole Proctor
July 9, 1997
Stillborn/6 months
R.A.F. Lakenheath, Suffolk
United Kingdom
E-mail 3/9/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Eight Months...and two losses...

Hi. Right now I'm lost, and I'm falling apart. In our 8th month of pregnancy I stopped feeling our daughter move.

When I went to the hospital, they showed me the ultrasound and told me she died 2 days prior. They induced labor and I delivered a perfect baby girl, that died from a blood clot in the umbilical cord. I just miss her terriblly and I feel empty if there is a huge hole inside me. It's been about 8 months now, and I am still a mess.

I found out I was pregnant again about 2 months ago, only to have another ultrasound with no heartbeat.

Although the doctor's seem to think it was "normal" and I should have no trouble in the future, I am terrified to try again.

I just want my babies! I just don't know how I'll ever get through this.

Ella Sain Russell
Athens, GA
E-mail 3/9/98

Marcia's Thoughts: You ARE asking for permission to grieve and indeed you need to give yourself the time and space to grieve. You have had two close losses in less than a year...the second one coming when many people are just realizing the full intensity of a loss.

Your hormones have also been moving around dealing with pregnancy and loss. You will survive these losses, but, as in any life experience, it may be time to step back and reevaluate where you have been and where you must go.

Please, if you haven't, read "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" then you may want to look at "Grief and Future Pregnancy". After two losses, you may want to work through some of your grief, then get a second opinion to reassure yourself of what your doctors are saying.

Just knowing how the mothers in our groups feel after two losses, me included, you will have to be 100% sure of your doctors before moving on. They really must listen to your concerns and needs. Only then, can you relax at all. To do this, a little time and space is called for.

You are welcome to come to our groups. We have had several women from Athens join us. I will get our packet sent to you tomorrow. Please visit our Links, "Links/Books and Other Resources" and look at the bookstores, especially Amazon, to find books on stillbirths. Under Sharing Stories "Our Experience, Third Trimester loss/Cord Accidents" our stories with emails for parents who have experienced similar loss as you. We have several people in our group right now who have loss their baby to cord problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Brittany Nichole..."My Days Without You!"

On Aug.30 1998 i had a beutiful baby girl, we thought she had a problem that would be fixed by a simple surgery. 12 hours after we found out baby girl would not survive any surgery, she was born without a windpipe. Being #48 in the world nothing could be done except 3 wounderful days of love an memories!!!!

After she passed we took her home to TN. where we are from. When we got back home I would sit in my room wanting to write something for her until one night it hit me!!

"My Days Without You!"

My days without you are true & blue for I know it was meant to be or it wouldn't be true!

It's hard to accept for my heart that stays blue,
at least your in a better place without a clue.

There is no time or place that can heal the pain;
for you my love will remain the same!

I love you now an I'll love you tomorrow
I'll love you forever an with sorrow!

Days, months, and years may come
you'll remain my child until my time comes.

My time meaning when we meet again
up in heaven without a sin.

For today's world is so cold an cruel;
my child God will always protect you!

No sick, no pain, no cruelity or shame
we'll meet again and my love will remain unchanged!!!

To my beautiful baby girl,
Brittany Nichole Highers
From your loving mother, Tina

Brittany Nichole Highers
Died soon after birth
Balboa Hospital
San Diego, Ca
E-mail 3/9/98

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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All My Love

Dear Angel,

Oh my Love how I miss you so much! People might say or think that I should get over losing you but I don't think that I have really started. I feel so numb sometimes, especially when I relive the day that you were born. Such a horrible day but so beautiful at the same time. You were so beautiful Angel.

I know you know that you looked just like daddy and I know that I am right when I tell him that you loved him so much that you asked God to make you look just like him before he sent you here to be inside my womb. The days that you were here with us were so beautiful, so happy, so full of anticipation for your arrival. You made us so very happy.

Sometimes I look through your things and I get a happy feeling. Sometimes I try to remember what it was like when I used to read Winnie the Pooh to you. I know you remember. Although it was only last year, I feel like it was such a long time ago.

You have made such a big impact my life. You have given me a mission. To try to help other people and other babies. I love you so much. I mean I am happy that you are in heaven, but I just miss you oh so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you Angel.

When I found out I was pregnant in April I was so happy. 2 weeks later after I had that nightmare though, I felt like my life was over all over again. I know in my heart though that it was you that had come back. Why did you go back again to heaven, I don't know. All I know is that someday we will be together.

It has been 8 months since you were born and although it feels like it was such a long time ago, sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I love you sooooo much Angel. Daddy adores you too our little "Pooh Baby". Well Angel like it said in this poem I just read here on Share, I did love you soooooo much from the start. I hope that I taught you all of the right lessons and that that is why you went back to heaven. Until I get to hold you again Angel know that me and daddy love you and that we know you are always here with us.

We adore you Angel!!!!!!
Mommy and Daddy

"All My Love" by Monica (6/12/99), "Holidays" by Monica (4/7/99), "11 months later" by Monica (9/5/99), and "Angel Medoza"...their story

"One Year" by Monica (10/10/99)

Angel Mendoza
Los Angeles, CA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Missing Samuel, eight months later..."

I miss our darling Samuel so much. It has been eight months now since his death and although I think I have made some progress, I still feel so sad.

The hardest thing for me is the lack of support from my family and my friends. So many people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of grief and death that they can not talk about it. I also have been told so many dumb things like well it was God's will or you can have another baby or it wasn't meant to be. Like those words would comfort me somehow.

My dh has been very supportive and loving, and I have made some good friends in my support group. I am so glad that I found the group.

"My Story by Kerrie" (3/2/00) and (4/9/00) and (10/2/00)

Samuel B. Haynes lV
Second trimester loss

Marcia's thoughts: In my group on Wed. we discussed exactly what you have expressed in your letter. By month eight our pain is real - shock and denial are gone- the full sense of what has happened to us is present. At the same time, others (who really believe that grief lasts at the most a month) are ready for you to move on. The bond that mothers, in particular, feel makes this time very difficult for us. Those around us start to want us to "be our old selves" while we still need to validate and make our baby real. This is a normal pull. One, as I said, we discuss regularly in the group.

What to do? We must continue to give ourselves "permission to grieve" and to gather those around us that understand this need. I am so glad you are attending a support group. This need is one reason why we have such groups.

Others don't always understand our needs and while some will let us help them appreciate what we need, many make us feel uncomfortable about our reactions.

We must protect ourselves and gradually heal - as we do, others often understand more fully our journey. SHARE and groups such as SHARE are constantly striving to educate society about grief. It is hard to be supportive of something that is not understood...

Please continue to be gentle with yourself. I fully believe that our babies would want us to take care of ourselves and find ways to heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Don't ask me how I got through the hardest time (holidays)for me. I went through the motions of "enjoying" the season, all the while dying inside with rage because my precious son will never enjoy a holiday with me. I did fine on Thanksgiving until I went to the cemetary and talked to him. I remember crying and wishing with all my heart things were different and I had something... anything to be thankful for.

I really felt as if my heart would break as I geared up for Christmas, what used to be my absolute favorite holiday. I hated all the gaiety of the season this year. I didn't want to do anything but of course, life goes on and so I did. I went shopping, dying each time I saw a tiny little baby (and it seemed like everywhere I went, there were 50!) or a pregnant woman.

I thought I would be fine as long as I didn't have to deal with stupid, insensitive people. I felt as if I stayed around those who have been with me the whole time, I would not have to deal with anyone... BUT... I was so wrong. Even those who have been really wonderful made hurtful comments about things I was doing just to get through the rough times.

Thank God for Marcia and this website! I have had two very meaningful conversations in the past month and both of you wonderful ladies... I think you were lead to call because without the two of you, I am not sure I would have been able to get through... THANK YOU BOTH SO VERY MUCH!!! (Angela Johnson - she is doing the online subsequent pregnancy diary right now-1/05).

As Christmas got closer, I hurt more and dreaded the time when I would be around all of the family. Sure enough, it was so very hard to pretend to exude happiness and peace, when I was hurting so badly. My little sister, who I love as if she was my own child, did something that made things better somewhat though. I was so afraid that people would think it was strange of me to buy CJ's grandparents something from him but it was all I could do to get through. Even though she is only 19, my sister got it! She, and she was the only one, bought me two little Precious Moments angel statues w/ my husband's and my birthstone. She bought another one but didn't tell me about it until we were opening up presents. She handed this little box to me that read on the tag "CJ, Love Auntie Sam" and when I could see past my tears, I opened the box and it was his birthstone angel, as well.

No one else even acknowledged him other than my husband and me. It made me feel so much love for her, more than usual, because of all of our family, she was the one who remembered her nephew and wanted to let me and my husband know that no matter whether he is living on this earth or not, she will always love him and miss him, just like we do. It helped a lot.

I did pretty well the next day too! Until I went to the cemetary and wished him a Merry Christmas. I have a question: Will it ever get any easier to go and look at his headstone? It hurts to see his name written on that cold gray slab of rock yet, it gives me peace as well.

The hardest part is that no matter what holiday I survive, my heart breaks each time someone else celebrates. CJ will never see a holiday with his family. That just breaks my heart every time I think I am beginning to heal! I am almost at the six month mark and even though my heart hurts, almost as bad as it did when he died, I still think I am getting better.

I can HOPE right? After all, as Marcia told me: there is always HOPE! Almost six months later, I am still a proud mommy who talks about her little boy's time here as much as possible. I am healing but it is a slow go!!! CJ's Mommy Crystal

4/49"How do I move forward?" by Crystal (9/8/04) GA Grief Menu

4/41Charles Jeffrey Shoemaker, July 18, 2004 by Crystal (Newborn loss Between 20 and 32 weeks/Incompetent Cervix) Forest Park, GA

Charles Jeffrey Shoemaker
July 18, 2004
Second trimester loss
Forest Park, GA


Marcia's thoughts: Yes, you will continue to survive because you are working hard to cope and doing things that help you realize that CJ will always be part of "who you are." No one can take that from you. Others can and, most likely will, move on and not mention him, but you will always have him with you. Our ultimate hope is that these feelings and memories will become "bittersweet" and not painful. As I have shared so often, doing things in his memory - especially outreach activities - softens and comforts because we gradually realize that the love we have for our baby can be shared with others. In doing this we honor his presence in our lives and we know that we do not have to forget our little ones...they become a very special part of who we are. As we do this, then we can let go of our pain and feel safer about moving along our path.

Is this easy? No...

The hardest time, as this section of the website and the part of grieving states, is often from the 4th to 7th month. Our panic, shock and denial (all of which protect us some at first) are diminishing and the full reality of what has happened moves in. We can face this more now because we aren't as fragile (really!) as we were, but it is very hard. We'd rather not. So, to push on now often takes more support and an understanding from those who have "been there." Why? because those who have not "been there" see time passage as an automatic healing. It is not. During this time our pain is often intense and confusing just because so many others want us to move on. So, we our caught in the middle. We have the reality of our grief hitting us in the face (if you will) and others thinking so much time has passed we should be over it.

Can we survive? Well, yes. Love, patience and working hard on coping, and we can survive and will. Many have and others will continue. Mementos, outreach, reading, resting, exercise - all of these kinds of things are what we can DO to keep our heads above water while we tread water to stay afloat and cope. They work if we let them. The days of pain become fewer as time goes on. We begin to know that we don't have to think about our pain because we already have thought about it. We can begin to control when we grieve...grief no longer controls us. Healing is happening. It does happen, we have to help it along.

Several new outreach programs are coming up now: the March of Dimes Walk in April and our new Blankets of Love outreach that I will be putting on the site very soon. Both provide a place to put our love and to honor our children while helping others. Crystal, your thoughts are clear and will stated..thank you for sharing them. They will help others know that these are normal patterns or reactions and feelings. Being "normal is important so we can build a healthy set of coping ideas around us and heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"8 Months Later..I am not sure if I have really grieved."

Hello everyone: I actually posted my story back in January, but I have not managed to come to a meeting. I have tried to go to a meeting a few times but My son had baseball or I worked late or whatever reason I could tell myself. I think that I am scared or I just do not know if the meetings will help me with my situation. I just do not know. I do keep up with this website and I do read books, articles, and any other info I may find.

One day I seem happy and others I do not feel like myself.

My duaghter was born on 12/02/04 and passed away a little after an hour after my c-section. We knew that she would pass and I tried being strong. Gabrielle had what is known as the enlarged vein of galen and she had a hemmorage that caused a stroke leading to her delivery at 28 weeks. She only had a beating heart and was not functioning and was unable to swallow and her little body was just building up with fluid. So the doctors said that they now had to deliver her for my own health. I would have to prepare myself for the death of my little girl.

I am not sure if I have really grieved. It has been almost eight months, and I did cry while in the hospital and when I had to go home without her. I sometimes cry out of the blue while driving. I just feel like it is a dream of some sort, not reality.

I keep busy, but I have to say I was already an emotional person but now I cry about everything. I know deep down this is because of my sadness, and I am not the hsppy person I once was.

My husband says I was never a depressed person and he did not know how to deal with me because he has been diagnosed with depression and obsessvie cumplusive disorder. I have just been able to bounce back when I am sad. But I stayed in bed for two weeks and he was telling me that he could not run the household alone. He said our home does not run without mama.

I got up, but I was angry because I feel that I was rushed. I did it for my husband and my marriage. We have had to really work on staying together and keeping our nine year old son happy but we have gotten through it.

My husband will sometimes have her on his mind and he just keeps busy. He is quiet and I see the sadness. I have to say that I keep this sadnes with me, and I want it to go away.

I do not even have the same interests and I keep to myself a lot. I want to speak of my baby girl and it seems that poeple never want to listen because they only see sadness but I just want to celebrate her life and be able to talk about her. I am told by so many people oh you can try again, like that will replace her.

Due to my on medical history and the fact that I had a miscarriage a few years before Gabrielle, I am not sure if we will try for another child. My doctors have asked me to wait a year and then we will see.

I do think about another pregnency, but I am just not sure. I have raddled on and on but I just have to get it out. I know I will heal and others will also heal but it seems like eternity before that will happen.

I am currently trying to complete a scrapbook but it seems I only complete one page a month. I would like to thank everyone for hearing me out and I know we are all in this together. Simone Gabrielle's mom

5/7"Our Miracle, Gabrielle Karisma" by Simone (1/20/05) Newborn Death/Known Cause GA

Gabrielle Karisma Jordan
Died soon after birth
Marietta, GA
July 30, 2005


Marcia's thoughts: I wish that you would have been at our last two meetings. We talked about almost all of the thoughts and reactions that you expressed in this letter. We validated that these are "normal" for the grief process and talked about coping with them. Realizing that these are part OF the process helps us to take some of the pressure off of ourselves. Grieving is hard work. It uses lots of energy to grieve, but it also uses lots of energy to keep from grieving. Denial keeps us stuck in our first grief feelings, working through our grief slowly brings us down the path to "what will be." The first year is the most difficult and what you shared is what most moms and dads experience. Please read some of the information under our Grief Menu...I think you will see some of the very thoughts and feelings that you are expressing.

Dad grieves differently than mom - and that is okay, too. You can read more about that under our Father's Menu.

The question of the next pregnancy or IF there will be a next pregnancy is a common one. It is a huge step and at various times we have various reactions to the thought. You can read more about that under our Subsequent Pregnancy Menu. Our meeting in September will focus on these issues.

It is often difficult to discuss our situation to family and friends because they do not want us to feel sad any longer. Society gives us about 3 weeks to recover. That is exactly why the group helps. We can talk about all of these feelings, realize that they are normal for a grieving family and mom, and we can begin to process how to get through it all. It isn't easy, but it is doable. Our next meeting in August is Grief and might help you to join us!! We would love for you to come. A hug is waiting for you at my door.

Emails about the Grieving Process that parallel thoughts on this page.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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