SHARE Atlanta

Miscarriage & The Stages of Grief - or Our Emotions...
Entries -97-2000

These e-mails valid the all the emotions we feel after the loss of our baby. Please read "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" - Emotions.

Theses are "archived e-mails" but they share the emotions and reactions so very well. They might help you to realize that the feelings you are experiencing are normal and the result of the losses in your life.

Healing happens as we recognize the pain and emotions, cope (see Coping Ideas), and give ourselves "permission to grieve to heal." Marcia McGinnis, 5/02

Marcia's Note: Unfortunately, many of these e-mails are from our early years and the addresses are probably not correct. Please feel free to try some of these. If people have sent me their updated email addresses I have included them. You may send any of your own thoughts to me and I will post them here - perhaps helping someone else some day..

"...searching to understand how to deal with my loss..." by Marilyn (12/97)

"...I feel so alone" by Krissy ('97)

"Don't Take Her" by Teresa (7/98)

"...concerns about getting "over a miscarriage" and thinking about getting pregnant again. by Debbie (10/16/98)

"...there was a life created and maybe it hadn't gone through all the stages yet, but it was a life." by Rita (11/11/98)

"Baby Rafaeli" by Cristin (12/30/98)

"In Memory of Baby Ockerbloom" by Amber (1/11/99)

"I WISH THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPEND TO ME" by Brian (1/21/99)

"My rational mind knows it wasn't my fault and that next time may not be the same, but how does my rational mind touch the emotional side of me?" by Lily (1/25/99)

"Peanut" by Carleen (1/27/99)

"Forever In My Heart" Alayna (3/17/99)

"HAPPY AGAIN" by Laura (4/27/99)

"This has been the most difficult experience I have ever gone through. I find it hard to put out of my mind." by Marci (4/29/99)

"A tribute to my angels" by Julie

"In memory of my angel August 16, 1999" by Donna (8/23/99)

" A WONDERFUL PLACE TO BE!!!!" by Kaslindia (11/6/99)

"My lost Angel" by Dianne (1/20/00)

"CAN'T LET GO" by Dana (4/6/00)

Guilt and blame are a common reaction to losing our baby. A mother feels as though she should be able to protect her child, at all times. Each of us does the best we can, but, in a situation such as this, we are forced to realize that we are not in control of everything.

It is a helpless feeling and one that only heals as time passes. What we can do is to remember that our love for our little one will never leave us, and that we can hold this time in our hearts with mementos. (Marcia)

I don't know where to begin, but I am searching to understand how to deal with my loss and grief. It has been a little over two weeks since I miscarried.

I was at 12 1/2 weeks "by dates" and unfortunately the baby had stopped growing and living at 8 1/2 - 9 weeks. I had a missed miscarriage -- no cramping or pain, I had brown spotting for a week that turned red and led to an ultrasound. I opted for a D&E the morning after we found out.

I struggle with why I didn't know that my baby had died -- I have spoken with the doctor and gotten the physical answers but still wonder why my instincts didn't tell me something wasn't right.

I have been to a counselor and he has helped me to understand that what I feel is normal -- which I have had affirmed on this website.

I have taken some ideas and thoughts as to how I can work through this holiday season. My husband and I are going to find an angel ornament to hang on our tree every year to represent our baby that is now an angel in heaven.

Thank you for providing such appropriate information. I'm sure I will check in on this site again. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts.

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"I feel so alone..." Miscarriage - every life is special - there is real pain and confusion around a miscarriage.

Marcia's comments

Dear Krissy, I will try to help - reading more of our website, looking at other websites such as ours, possibily going to a support group there in Lubbock and talking to your doctor will help, too.

Another factor in coping with what has happened to you is to realize that all of your confusion, guilt, anger and sadness is part of the grieving process - a process that will take time to move through. You are NOT alone, I have experienced such a loss and everyone at SHARE has also. We all survived - it took time and forgiveness(we must forgive ourselves - we did what we did throughout our pregnancy , and we did the best we could do at the time...).

Many parents fear that a new baby will be a burden at first.

That is normal - we ALL know that a baby means care, attention, funds, etc. We would not be human if we didn't think about these things. You had started to deal with the reality of a baby when you and your husband agreed to work with it and you bought maternity clothes. The ups and downs you speak of are normal as our hormones are churning and are lives are changing. We had planned our next baby and when I got pregnant my first thought was "what have we done!"

Why did you move ahead? Why did your baby die?

You moved ahead because you care and did what most of us do - you shared your happiness with others who cared. Society(friends and family) are generally eager to learn about a new baby, so we, usually, are anxious to "share the news". That's normal!

You might never know why your baby died. There may not be an answer. We at SHARE feel that your baby is very much part of you and even though he/she died doesn't make any of this experience less important in your life. Consider reading "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" - "The significance of You and Your Baby".

Our society generally does not like to deal with miscarried babies. So, parents sometimes feel strange about the entire experience. We share our stories and remember that each life, no matter how short, is special. We do special things in memory of our baby and we begin to heal. Under "Coping Ideas," this is explored in more detail. Most of us, go on, later, to have a living child, but we never forget these little ones. There are many books on this subject "Books and Other Resources".

Guilt is our human way to try to figure out what happened so we can "fix it".

The problem with the loss of a baby during pregnancy, there is no fix. Those in our group who lost a planned for baby go through the same kinds of questions that you are asking. These are questions coming from the confusion and pain of grief.

As time goes by and you learn more about grief and emotions, you can begin to see how all of this works. Please read "What is Grief" and "Why are my emotions so strong?" under "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal." All of these I wrote after experiencing my own losses, leading 13 years of SHARE groups, and taking & leading a grief program called "Windows".

So, you can begin to realize that though your experience and pain are unique to you, the process of grief is common to us all. It helps to learn we are normal in our pain.

Please be gentle with yourself, give yourself time to grieve and to learn to understand and cope with what has happened to you. Write again if you want - I welcome your questions or just sharing of your thoughts...

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Here's another poem that I wrote..

Hello again.. I was just sitting here and started writing out my feelings and again. It turned into a poem. I thought that I would share it with you since I know that you can understand it's meaning.

To See My Baby Play" by Teresa (6/98)

Of course no mother wants to let her baby go...and how beautifully Teresa has written this intense reaction and feeling. I am touched that Teresa has written what so many moms feel as they experience this loss. I think it is a beautifully written poem and one that comes straight from her heart and will touch many other mother's hearts...

Visit "Dads and Moms Support One Another" to read how this poem helped one of our SHARE internet couples... "MARRIAGE SAVED BY A POEM - THANKS TERESA C." by Gillian 9/12/99

Visit Teresa's site for Heather "My Angel"

Teresa
Heather
Miscarriage
Jacksonville, FL
E-mail
6/10/98

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I recently got married on April 18, 1998 and found out that I was pregnant on April 24, 1998. We were shocked but totally happy at the same time. I miscarried on May 5, 1998 and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

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I just miscarried my first baby last Friday.. I was 6 weeks going on 7 LMP. Some people say that it wasn't a baby yet, but to us, it was our baby from the first moment we found out I was pregnant, which was the beginning of last week.

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You were all I ever wanted. To hold you in my arms, to nurse you at my breast. After so many years I thought you never to be and then you came along. It was a time of feeling the sweetest part of heaven. You are gone, but I just wanted to say that you are still all I ever wanted. I have always believed that to have loved and to have lost is better than to have never loved at all. I love you.

Marcia's thoughts: I felt as though you shared so clearly how much we love our baby...from before we conceived and from the time we know that we are pregnant.

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Our baby developed to 11 1/2 weeks and his heart stopped. Silence... I don't know how I could have loved him more.

Their is nothing more agonizing than a life unfinished. My beloved grandfather's heart stopped January 5, 1999. There is no one I would rather see and be with our baby more than my A.T.

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ANTHONY MICHEAL ANNORENO

HI, MY NAME IS BRIAN. I'M 22 YEARS OLD AND MY FIANCEE IS 21. WE HAVE JUST LOST MY SON WHICH WE ARE GRIEVING OVER.

I WISH THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPEND TO ME, AND SOMETIMES I ASK MY SELF AND I ASK GOD WHY WHY ME. I WISH THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPEND TO ME.

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"My rational mind knows it wasn't my fault and that next time may not be the same, but how does my rational mind touch the emotional side of me?"

Hello, my name is Lily. Two years ago, while at work my period was late. Or was it. As I drove home from work through rush hour the cramps got worse until it was all I could do to control the car. I didn't know I was pregnant. I was fine until I got home and saw my boyfriend (whose now my husband) and then I fell apart.

It's two years later and I've always felt there was something missing in my life. That's why when I discovered I was pregnant I was elated.

I couldn't wait to tell everyone. It was odd though, when I went to the doctor the sonogram showed I was only five weeks pregnant. The math didn't seem right but what did I know.

Another sonogram a week later and once again only five weeks but "everything looks o.k". O.k. that is until two days later when the bleeding and cramps started again.

I've had three days to ponder what I could have done wrong--twice. Am I defective?

Would trying again be tantamount to killing another baby? Why isn't my husband also crying constantly. My rational mind knows it wasn't my fault and that next time may not be the same, but how does my rational mind touch the emotional side of me?

Marcia's thoughts: Your confusion and concerns are normal...as are your husband's reactions. If you haven't, please read my workshops on "The First 24 Hours and Later," "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal," information on the "Father's Grief Menu" for a better understanding of "where you are going" with your normal reactions and feelings.

The articles under the Subsequent Pregnancy Menu might help with some of the confusion also. As to repeated miscarriages, refer to our Medical Resources/Repeated Miscarriages...there are links to medical sites that might give you a starting place to ask your doctor some questions. It helps to understand what might be happening..both emotionally and physically.

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We had been married for over 3 years when we decided to start trying to get pregnant. It took almost one year to conceive. I never had a regular cycle so we ended up taking fertility drug. I even had problems with that, one month I would ovulate and the next I would not.

Finally, on 9/28/98 we found out that we were finally going to have a baby. We were so excited, we couldn't wait to tell everyone that we knew. We were sure that it was a boy, and nicknamed him Peanut.

Everything went fine, I was tired but no morning sickness. I noticed a discharge with a very minor amount of blood. I knew this was not uncommon and forgot about it.

Two weeks later I felt a fluttering. I knew that it was too soon to feel the baby move, as I was only at 10 weeks. The doctor wanted to do an ultrasound, I was sure that everything was going to be fine.

I could see Peanut on the screen very clearly. The doctor asked how many babies do you have. I thought that he was saying there were multiples. My husband is an identical twin and with the drugs we knew that there was an increased chance of multiples.

The nurse then asked if I had any other children. I said no and the doctor told me that this was bad, there was no heart beat and the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I was going to miscarry. I was in shock.

The fluttering I felt was my body getting ready to discharge it. The next day, they completed a D&C. I know that some people opt to have it happen naturally, but I did not want to have something inside of me that was dead. The procedure was very cleansing mentally.

I did ok for the first 2 months. My Husband was wonderful and supportive.

We are now trying again. At first, I was excited and confident. I knew that we would be pregnant much sooner this time. But now I'm not so sure. It is so much harder this time. I am losing hope. I am so sad. I love to be around babies, but try to avoid pregnant women, which is not easy, they seem to be everywhere.

I did not expect to keep hurting this badly for so long.
I love you, Peanut.

Marcia's thoughts: Your feelings and emotions around your experience are very normal and I think it helps for us to realize this as we MOVE THROUGH grief!

We are encouraged to believe that grief has a certain time time frame and that we are "over" grieving much faster than we are. You probably are just fully realizing all your feelings around your loss. Then adding the conflicting feelings about getting pregnant again gives your heart more to worry about.

You might benefit from waiting just a little longer to try again. You might find, with your situation, that in just a month or two your feelings will settle down. You are very normal about wanting to have another baby (see our workshop on Future Pregnany and Grief under the Subsequent Pregnancy Menu). By giving yourself just a little space to work through some of your grief, your feelings might shift some.

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I experienced a m/c on March 25 of this year. This was my second pregnancy. I have a 4 year old. This has been the most difficult experience I have ever gone through. I find it hard to put out of my mind.

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Marcia's Thoughts: Your supportive comments about finding a "home" to safely express your feelings mean much to me. My main reason for starting and maintaining this site is just that. If you haven't already, please consider emailing some of the other folks on these pages...they all are looking for outreach and support.

I know it is hard to express the many different feelings we move through after a loss...be gentle with yourself as you grieve and heal..

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My lost Angel. How I wish I could of held you in my arms if only for a moment. If only I had the chance to look at your little face. If only I could of counted your fingers and toes at birth.

Marcia's thoughts: Please look in the drop down box for "Coping Ideas" and read about naming your baby and doing something in memory of your baby. You might want to consider giving your baby a name - in doing so, we no longer deny this special child's presence in our lives. We gradually use the energy that we take to "deny" what we have been through and turn it around to better understand this walk we are on.

Also, under Making Your Child's Presence Meaningful, "Healing after a Miscarriage/Diaries" talks about your emotions and healing. What you are experiencing is normal feelings after a loss. It helps to recognize normal reactions and learn hope to help yourself as you grieve.

In the drop down box "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal" discusses this even more. As the due date comes around moms have a hard time as well as the fifth to seventh month after a loss is difficult (Sharing Stories, "The First Year, 5 to 7 months" and "Holidays, Anniversaries and Due Dates" (in the drop down box). It takes time to work through all we need to in order to heal.

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