Toward's the end of the first year..

Generally, towards the end of the first year, the month to month reactions lessen and disappear.

First Year's Anniversary causes increased pain, again

Then as the first year's end draws near, we start to think back to where we were the previous year and a sadness hovers over us. The year before we were getting ready to have a baby...now we know what happened. So, we "relive," the events of the year before...knowing the ending. It usually is a difficult time. (See Drop Down Box "Holidays, Anniversaries, etc.")

One comfort to me is that we never forget, and we always love our baby.

NOONE can take that from us. Then it becomes our choice as to how and when we remember our baby. Our grief does not dominate that decision. We are free to love ourselves and all of our family as we want. Marcia McGinnis 1997

July 11th was a difficult day. The entire weekend was difficult. My monthly period came timely, a frustration, yet I'm trying to remain hopeful as my husband & I attempt another pregnancy.

And, my sister-in-law announced she is pregnant with her second child. What a rush of emotions I had! It took all my energy to fight back the tears. My emotions, it seems, are still very raw, even though I think I've been getting better. I'm very happy for my brother-in-law & sister-in-law but it still hurts because I miss my son, Ian, SO much!

My sister-in-law has been very supportive through my "road of grief" and we had a good chat recently. In fact, she was somewhat timid to tell us of their new pregnancy. She didn't want to pull out our hurt again. I did thank her for something, however. I thanked her for telling us right away at our home and I thanked her for telling us alone, in-person. Not in front of the rest of the family, not out in public. That made a world of difference to me, and she even thought about that before she told us.

By the way, Marcia ... my sister-in-law is the "mystery person" who put the white rose at Ian's grave on Mother's Day. I can't believe she went this long without telling me! And, ironically enough, I can't believe I never mentioned it to her. I believe now we are even closer than ever because of that white rose!!

I'm trying to remain optimistic and hopeful for the near future. Prior to my first pregnancy and during the early stages of the pregnancy last year I had that "I'm scared about this" behavior. Normal for first-time Mom's I guess. But now since we lost Ian, I realize how much I want to be a Mother.

Frankly, being a Mother is one of the greatest gifts God could ever give us. I'm still Ian's Mother and always will be. I hope I'm someone else's Mother soon.

Visit "JoAnn's Diary" to read her other entries spanning more than a year's time frame.

It has been 10 months since my son Angel was stillborn and while it seems that this year has practically flown by, it also seems that everything happened so far ago. I can't believe that it has almost been a year that he was born.

I feel that so much has happened in this past year but I also feel scared a bit that it is going to be a year. I feel that as time passes by I am getting farther and farther away from him although I know that every day that passes he makes my heart get bigger and bigger.

Like on New Year's Eve, I felt so sad because the year that he was born in was over. Sometimes I just sit back and wish that even if I couldn't change what happened that at least if I was able to go back to the day that he was born I would be so happy.

I miss you so much Angel and believe me everyday I love you and miss you more, not the other way around. I know that you did a lot of wonderful things while you were here and that you are up in Heaven for a reason.

I try to keep positive thoughts but there are times when I see other babies that would be your age and I long to hold you so much.

I am happy though that I got the chance to be your mommy and that you made me a more understanding, compassionate person. I know that you are always with me since you prove it to me in those small little ways. My little baby, I know that when I am feeling sad and I look up and see that little white butterfly flying around, it is you letting me know that you are still here=).

Although I know I am going to be terribly sad on your birthday I also know that my heart will be full of joy because on your birthday I am going to celebrate the life of a little "Pooh Baby" that came to be called Angel.

You did not go to heaven in vain and even though you are back in heaven you have served as my inspiration to become a nurse. I hope we make you proud. I love you honey bunny.

The everlasting flame is as everlasting as my love for you. Your due date would have been July 25th. I think of you often and I have yet to feel the joy that I felt when I was pregnant with you. If that sheer joy was anything like heaven, I know you are happy and in a state of bliss. I cannot wait to see you and I miss you everyday. I love you with all my heart and soul. See you soon!

It has been 11 months now since I had my beautiful Angel at 21 1/2 weeks. I cannot believe that in just a few weeks it is going to be one year. It is amazing, it feels like it was all such a long time ago but also I feel like it was yesterday.

This summer had been especially hard for me, you could say, because at this time last year I was filled with so much excitement. It is hard to remember that at this time last year we were all filled with so much anticipation for his birth. I could not wait for him to be born but I never wanted for it to happen when it did.

I feel though that a big part of me has healed. I know that a lot of the anger and resentment that I had inside of me is gone.>

Last month, me and my husband went to visit one of his aunts. She had a boy also and she was due on my birthday, which was one week after what would have been my son's due date. She even went to the same doctor that I went to.

When I first found out about her pregnancy in December, I had a lot of pain, anger, and resentment inside of me. I never wanted to see that baby. Well when we went to his aunt's house I saw the baby and I just knew it was him. For a long time I cried in a spot where no one could see me.

It was so painful for me to see this child that is exactly how my son should have been. It was so painful to see her holding her baby, and it was painful to see how happy she was. All I could think was, "What did I do to deserve my son to be taken away from me"

After a while though I wanted to hold him. I did not want to be obvious so after finding the opportunity where I could be by myself with her, I asked her if I could hold him. She said yes, and when she gave him to me I said, "This is how my baby would have been."

We then started to talk about what had happened and it made me feel so much better to tell her all about Angel's existence.

For a while afterwards I played and held her son and it felst so good to be holding him. I felt as if I was holding my son through this baby.

I feel that a big part of me healed that day.

Now I don't have all of those negative feelings inside of me anymore.

No matter what though I feel that losing a baby makes all of us so much stronger and wiser. In fact, I think that it makes us see how precious life really is.

On my son's one day birthday in heaven I know that I am going to heavily mourn. I cannot say how I am going to feel that day but I know that I want to celebrate his life. His life inside of me which was so precious.

The first thing that I want to do is to go and set free as many balloons as I can for him at the hospital where he was born at the exact time that he was born (4:43 AM) after that I want to go to church to thank God for everything that he has given me, my husband and our family. I want to buy a cake for him and go to the cemetary and sing happy first birthday in heaven. I want to buy him a gift and keep it here and buy gift to give to another baby in his memory. I am also planning on getting his name and birthdate tattooed on my ankle.

I just want my son to see how much he is loved even though he is in heaven. I want him to know that he is still part of our family.

My love I hope you know that even though you are our guardian angel and are here with us spiritually, our love for you grows so much stronger and stronger everyday. I am so proud of you for having stayed with us as long as you did and I am sooo thankful for the time you spent here with us. We miss you Angel and we love you with all of our hearts. Thanks for being our guardian angel. Until we see you again my love. Kissseeesss to you from Mommy and Daddy.