Today was a terrible day for me at work. I've been working part-time since November 1997 (30 hours/week) on a modified job. Another co-worker left for an assignment at our Phoenix division effective today. Basically my boss said, "I want you to start doing your original job full-time." This is a high profile job involving at least 80% employee relations (I work in the Human Resources office of a manufacturing organization). Emotionally I am not ready, I know I'm not. I'm a little better, but I can't fathom chatting with employees about their children, etc. I expressed this to my boss and his reply was, "I think it's the best thing for you." He also confided in me that a couple of my co-workers have said that "she should be working full-time now, it's been 6 months." I attempted to explain to him about the "road of my grief." His response, "are you seeing a psychologist?" I told him I'm going to a bereavement group and also just started going to our local EAP (I met a counselor who is also the mother of a stillborn). Of course I cried in front of him; I don't care, I'm human.

The company I work for has traditionally been "hands-off" when it comes to employing part-time workers. It's a very sad note that after nearly 14 years of employment, I feel forced to leave because the Human Resources manager does not want to even attempt to understand my feelings. I have so much to offer them at 30 hours a week. What's interesting is, my job was replaced last year while I was still pregnant and it was agreed that I come back part-time unless something happened, then I wanted the opportunity to gain my full-time employment back. At that time, I had no earthly idea I would have a stillborn son nor any notion that the grief process would be so intense.

I'm curious if you know of any other "professional women" having had similar experiences??

I'm "hanging in there" for the interim, but this has really blown me away. I've truly lost respect. I realize not everyone understands the intensity. It's so frustrating. Thanks for your "ear." JoAnn

Today it has been three months since our precious baby's death. One of the women who just had a baby in my office brought in her two week old baby for everyone to see. Her son was born only a week or two after our daughter would have been if I had not had to have an emergency C-section 10 weeks premature.I had such an overwhelming need to hold her baby since I had not been able to hold our tiny baby in the NICU until she died of a sudden heart attack brought on by a Staph infection. No one wanted me to hold the baby. I don't know if they thought that I would hurt the baby or be hurt myself. I immediately started crying and everyone was concerned about my upsetting the baby or getting him wet with my tears. I was only able to hold him for about 30 seconds. It felt so different and wonderful to hold a live baby. I'm sorry, Elizabeth, I wanted to hold you that way. I love you and I miss you. I pray that we will be together again some day.

My son Ian was stillborn 9/11/97. Never a day goes by that I don't think of him, dream about him. Daydream about what he would look like today and what fun things we would be doing together as he reached closer to age 1.

Each year the company I work for puts on a family picnic. Hundreds of co-workers come with their spouses and children to enjoy food and carnival rides and games. It's always been a fun event for me, except this year.

This year I don't plan to go. Because it would be a "trigger" event for me I feel I should stay away. I don't especially want to be surrounded by hundreds of babies and toddlers. My co-workers, however, don't seem to understand this. Comments such as "oh, you'll be okay once you get there" and "you're really taking this too far" have about blown me away. I can't believe what I've heard!

Yes, it has been 10 months, nearly 11 months since I lost my son, however I'm still emotionally raw. I feel I need to do anything I can to help myself cope. Attending a picnic filled with children is not going to help me.

I just wish my co-workers would appreciate the fact that I have feelings, that these are real feelings, and that I should be able to have these feelings without their judgment.

How can any person judge another if they've never been through the same experience before?

Marcia's comment: They can't! JoAnn is wise to protect herself from being in a place that will make her uncomfortable! No one else needs to have a long discussion about the "whys" unless they plan to be understanding and supportive. The time near the year anniversary is particularly difficult for most parents. Memories of the year before become vivid. JoAnn's co-workers with children might realize that JoAnn would be bringing her own child if her life had gone as planned. I feel sure that this event is one of sharing each others children's achievements as well as a time to "show off" the specialness of having these children...a difficult time, indeed, for a co-worker who has lost a baby.

In regard to work issues, a situation I recently learned of really isn't an issue, but I feel it's going to be very awkward for me soon. For the past 6 months my husband & I have been attempting another pregnancy with no results. I'm being patient, but at the same time my heart yearns for another child. One of my best friends at work shared with me that she is pregnant after only 2 months of trying (her daughter died in January 1998 from cancer). Although I am extremely happy for her, I am also unhappy. I'm still unhappy for me. And, once others in our work group find out about her pregnancy, I just can't wait to hear the comments, not only towards her but also to me as well. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I am very nervous about it. It's just another added stress to me somehow, something I don't want to have to deal with, the continued insensitive comments from others outside my loss experience.

For some time I've debated on whether to look elsewhere for employment and have recently started pursuing it, including getting some work as a freelance writer. The stresses of my job have become enormous, especially the "counselling" I do. I am a Human Resources professional and it's very difficult counselling employees who have their own real problems, let alone listening to employees chat about their successful pregnancies or even fertility issues. I've almost convinced myself it's time to "move on" and rid this stress. I can't believe I've worked almost a year in this environment since Ian's stillbirth. Some days I think Ian sends me messages in my mind saying, "do what's best for you, Mommy."

I'm interested in knowing if any other parents who have had losses found it unbearable to continue working and either just quit or found other employment. I can't be the only one!

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do when I went back to work. I worked daily with newborns and their families. I had to share their joy while struggling with my own grief and loss.

I am stronger because of my work but every once in a while I still must step out when a new baby comes to close to the memories.

Hello Marcia,

I did receive the SHARE Atlanta brochure on" Be Truthful in Grief". Thank you and Ms. Anderson. Last week I went back to work. It was very hard but I made it.

At the beginning of the year eight of us were expecting. I'am the first to turn and two more are due at end of the month. To add to my grief, my supervisor told me she is pregnant with her second child which is due in May. Im very happy for her, and she has been supportive alone with other co-worker.

Some days I think I'm doing better and other days I don't think I'm going to make it. I realize I have to take it one hour at time. I'm thankful to you and all the staff of Share Atlanta Inc. Thanks again, Carole

September 29, 2004
Third Term Loss/July 2004
Carter Franklin Britten