SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support My*Our Experiences

Share LogoSHARE Atlanta

"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Midterm Loss Cause Known

Remembering our babies...Entries 1997-99

Our tiny baby, to whom we say goodbye
On a day filled with sorrow, tears hard to dry.
With you go our hopes, our love and our dreams,
Of all life's beautiful things, we wanted you to see.
Toledo, Ohio

Letters and Poems

"Matthew's Story" by Penny (4/98)

"KEVIN'S JOURNEY" by Celeste (4/98)

"Patrick's Story" by Cindy (5/98)

"By the Grace of God" by DeAnn (6/98)

"My angel baby, Alexandria Elizabeth" by Elizabeth (6/98) and (1/16/01)

"Placental Abruption --- Little Footprints" by Dan and Lara (6/98)

"My Angel" by Claudette (7/98)

"Mary Kelly and Ashley Randall" by Marei (6/16/99)

"Losing an Angel -- Our Experience" by Lencha (7/21/98)

"No Name Yet" by Becky (9/6/98)

"Noah's Story" by Jenny (12/13/98)

"Hannah" by Missy (4/9/99)

"Grieving and unable to come to terms with another funeral" by Cheryl (4/29/99)

"David" by Lucy (5/3/99)

"Support needed..." by Sarah (7/7/99)

"Claire" by Jennifer (8/24/99)

"Seeking died of Listeria Infection" by Jessica (10/10/99)

"Brad and Chad" by Gina (10/12/99)

"Our loss-" Kathy (11/29/99)

Matthew's Story

My first son Michael will be 6 in June and starting first grade in the fall. We found out we were pregnant with our second son on Thanksgiving day 1997. Oh what a day we were so very Thankful I could barely make it through dinner without telling anyone. We wanted to wait until I went to the doctors.

This was just the way we had planned it. The baby was to be born July 21st. I would be home with Michael and the Baby for the summer and when Michael went back to school in the fall I would have time with the baby.

During my 18 weeks of pregnancy I was the happiest person on earth. Noone could be happier, my life was going just like I had planned. I had a loving husband, a college education, a nice home, and a perfect child.

And then on Feb. 10,1998 I was on the phone with my husband and all of a sudden I felt a gush of water. I could not believe it, I said to my husband "If I didn't know better I would think that my water broke."

He convinced me to call the doctor, so I did. I had no cramping, no spotting, only the constant trickle of fluid. She wanted me to go to the ER, I begged to come to the office because I am an RN who worked in that ER. With hesitation she let me.

I had to take Michael with me. During the exam she used the Lithmus paper to see if my water did break. I asked what color it was, and she did not respond. I sat up and looked. It was Blue. Tears came flooding down. As a nurse in the ER I knew if everything where o.k. it would have been pink.

Michel said what is wrong mommy? I said we will talk about it later.

I called my husband to meet me there and my mother-in-law to come get Michael. I was beside myself I wanted to scream but I had to be strong for Michael.

While we were waiting I asked if she would listen for heart tones. She said I did not want to put you through that, with hesitation she listened.

The heart beat was still there and strong. What a relief, there was still a chance. My husband arrived and the rest is a blur. As she went through the options of " terminating the pregnancy " I just kept thinking this is our baby how can you talk about killing it.

When my MIL arrived, I told Mikey that the baby was sick and we had to go to the hospital. His lip began to quiver and tears filled his eyes and he said Is the baby going to die? I said Michael lets not talk that way.

I was in the hospital for 2 days hoping that my placenta would re-seal. Which it did not. I was sent home on Thursday to return to the doctors on Monday to see f I resealed.

On Friday the 13th I felt strange all day. When my husband got home and after dinner I called the doctor. I went to the hospital to get checked. I was dilated 3-4 the heart beat was still there. That was to be the last time that I would hear my sons tiny heart beating.

My son was born on Valentines Day thus My Valentine Angel.

We had a memorial service for him. He had an obituary. I have made a memory book with everything that was his from the cards we got when we announced that we were pregnant to the memorial service items and things that remind me of him. Matthew Alexander.

I just can not believe that it happened. I sometimes think I am having a night terror, but then I realize this is life and noone ever said that it was fair.

If it was 15 year olds would not be having healthy babies and people like us loosing our children.

I would also like to share this poem with all of you. I am putting together a collection of poems to place in a journal for Matthew if you have any you would like to share please send them to me.

Visit Initial * Feelings * Reactions * Losses and Notes/Midwest/Penny for more thoughts from Penny!

Matthew Alexander Kilcorse
Second trimester loss/water broke
Toledo, Ohio

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems



It's hard to put our experience into words,
but I think it would help somehow.

My husband and I have a 3 yr. old that was a preemie so we knew when I became pregnant again that I might have problems.

After a very stressful 1st trimester we finally started to relax. At 20 wks. I went into pre-term labor which we were able to control with medicine, home monitoring and bedrest. I still wasn't real worried because I felt that we had come too far to have something happen now. I was so wrong.

Over a period of 10 days I had a placental abruption, more severe labor and finally a deadly E-coli infection in my bloodstream. (as a result of the abruption). Our little Kevin was such a fighter he didn't even show any signs of stress, unfortunately I was very ill and the Dr. said we would have to deliver Kevin even though he was only at 25 wks.

We spoke to several different specialist and it came down to my choosing my life or Kevin's. If they induced labor it would be too much for Kevin at his gestation and if they did a C-section, that would spread the infection even more, and I would not have a good chance of recovery. I couldn't even have an epidural unless I wanted to be paralyzed. I chose to induce labor and save my life.

Kevin fought so hard but sometime during the labor he started showing distress, I don't know when he ran out of strength. I just know that Kevin fought as hard as he could.

I know that I'm very lucky to be alive, and I had to think of my family at home. I realize I made the only choice I could have.. but it is very hard to face each day knowing that I made the decision that cost Kevin his life. Kevin was a healthy, normal baby and he might have survived, he had such a strong will. I just wish he had been given the chance.

Why do people tell me that I'm lucky he was stillborn? That it's better he died before I had a chance to know him? Don't they know that I would give anything to have heard his cry, or feel his warm body next to mine, or have been able to hold him in my arms and give him sweet kisses. How much I wanted to comfort him.

Our little angel is buried in a beautiful place next to a lake. I take my 3 yr old to see his brother sometimes, and he loves to take Kevin his stuffed animals "so he won't be lonely." He knows that Kevin will always be in our hearts. Thats not such a bad place to be.

Kevin Maxwell Ruppersburg
Stillborn/placental abruption/
E-coli infection
Atlanta, GA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Patrick was our 2nd pregnancy - our first resulted in a miscarriage - we were so excited. But at 17 weeks I had a cervical cerclage placed and spent 7 weeks on bedrest to no avail. Patrick died during labor at 24 weeks.

He was a beautiful little boy and I miss him so much. We spent those 7 weeks getting to know each other and it is so empty now without him - the doctors tell me in time we can try again using an abdominal cerclage - I would appreciate hearing from anyone who has had that done before. My head knows that Patrick is in a better place, but my heart will never accept that - I miss you my baby.

Patrick James
Stillborn/incompetent cervix

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


By the Grace of God...

My daughter Grace was born on October 3, 1996 at 22 1/2 weeks gestation. Her conception, pregnancy, and loss were very profound experiences for me and have changed my views and attitudes in many ways.

When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. I hadn't planned on a child and was at a loss. My boyfiend didn't want to talk about the pregnancy, he definitely left me with the impression that it was my problem. I thought long and hard and decided that I wanted my baby. When I told him my decision he left.

I am blessed with a supportive family who stood by me and accepted the fact that I would raise this child myself. My mother and sisters opened their hearts to a new baby.

My first trimester was fairly uneventful. I didn't have morning sickness, there were a couple of afternoons when I felt a little nauseous but no other problems.

I was taking good care of myself. I ate healthful foods, continued to exercise, didn't drink, smoke or take drugs, I took my vitamins- I was doing everything I could to give this child the best possible start.

I started to have some minor spotting during the 21st week of my pregnancy. My doctor performed an ultrasound and detected a small area of abruption. I was put on bedrest. During the third day that I was at home the bleeding became severe and bright red.

My sister Tina took me to the hospital. It was actually very reassuring to be admitted to the hospital. The fetal monitor was placed around my abdomen and I could see and hear the baby's heartbeat, which was strong and steady. The perinatologist performed and ultrasound which showed that the baby, a little girl, was developing normally for her gestational age.

After the ultrasound a vaginal exam was performed which revealed the fact that I have an incompetent cervix. The increased bleeding was not caused by the abruption but was because the amniotic sac had telescoped through my cervix.

The prognosis was grave. The doctor explained that the amniotic sac would be contaminated. The baby would be born with an infection which could result in profound and irreversible neurological damage. The options were to perform a cerclage and hope that the pregnancy could be maintained until the 24th week, when the child would be considered viable, or to allow her to be born and not resuscitate.

I am a nurse and have experience working in the neonatal intensive care unit. I knew the risks and complications that awaited my little girl- neurologic damage from perinatal infection, the need for mechanical ventilation and the chance of that causing lifelong lung damage, the inability of her immature organs to function appropriately and a laundry list of other possible complications that would limit the quality of her life.

I chose to let her come into the world. When the amniotic sac broke labor was induced. I wasn't expecting the pain to be as intense as it was, but thankfully it didn't last for very long.

My daughter was born at 5:39 pm on Thursday, October 3, 1996. She is my first and only child. I held her right after she was born- you hear people talk about how you foret about the labor pains once you hold the baby. It was true, I forgot about the pain immediately, but I wasn't prepared for the depth and breadth of the love that I would feel for this tiny little girl. The love I felt for this child was more intense that anything I have ever experienced. I felt a physical burning in my chest and thought that my heart would burst with love. Holding her in my arms was an affirmation of faith. I knew, without a doubt, that God exists and that he reaches us through the souls of our children. I knew that her name would be Grace, for she came to me through the grace of God.

It has been over a year an a half since her birth. It still hurts so incredibly when I think of her, which is almost daily. I have the mementos, but nothing can ever replace the pain in my heart. I still feel as though I only have the strength to live one day at a time. Does it ever really get better?

Grace Anne Baker
Second trimester loss/incompetent cervix
Las Vegas, NV
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


My angel baby, Alexandria Elizabeth

My pregnancy began a few days before Christmas 1997, and within a week or two, I instinctively knew. On January 19, I took a home pregnancy test which verified what I had already been telling my husband. I called the doctor the next morning and set up my first prenantal appointment because I was determined that this pregnancy would be easier than my last.

We have a son, Jacob Andrew who was born on October 12, 1996, six weeks premature. I have what I consider to be a strange defect in my reproductive organs, but one that I am finding out to be more common than you would think. I have a double uterus and cervix, both of which are joined and share a common wall.

The main problem that this put on my first pregnancy was that there was not much room for him to grow, so I had premature labor many times. With hospitalization and different medications, the doctor stopped the contractions the first three times. He then ordered me to strict bed rest in which I was only allowed to go to the bathroom and take one shower a day.

I was told that if I could make it to 34 weeks with eight steroid shots prior to develop the baby's lungs, then I could be allowed to get up from the bed and let nature take its course. On Monday, October 7, my father-in-law died, and the funeral was planned for that Thursday, the first day of my 34th week so that I could attend. By Friday, I was in the hospital with contractions, and Saturday afternoon, I gave birth to a very healthy baby.

So, with my second pregnancy, I was determined to do everything right. Jacob was carried in the right side of my double uterus, so the doctor was hoping that this pregnancy would also be in the right side.

In my sixth week, I went in for an ultrasound which proved that the baby was in the left side. At the sound of those words, I was devastated and tuned out anything else that the doctor had to say.

My husband told me later after I calmed down that the doctor had said that the baby looked very healthy and there was plenty of fluid. The doctor went on to say that he wondered if I was mistaken in which side my first baby was in. I was not at all comforted.

First of all, I am positive that Jacob was in my right uterus because I stuck out on the right side, and second of all, I could care less about fluid right now because all I wanted was room enough for my baby to grow. They started me on a hormone twice a day to keep me from having early contractions. This had been proven to work until the second month.

I went to weekly doctor visits that kept me in the office sometimes for three or more hours, but it was all worth it because when I would finally get in to see the doctor, I was reassured that everything was going all right.

My doctor even did a quick ultrasound to show me the heartbeat for the first few months until they could pick it up on the doppler. He knew that I would feel better if I could see my baby and her racing heart. Everything seemed to be going ok until April.

During Easter weekend, I caught a virus, but I blamed it on the fact that this is my first year to teach, and everything that my first graders would catch, I would get it, too. When I wasn't any better that Monday, I went to the doctor, and once again I was put on bed rest. I was devastated because this is the one thing that I had been dreading.

I felt so guilty because my 18 month old son would have to be virtually without a mommy for three or more months. So, I stayed in bed, read books, watched tv, had an occasional visitor, but most of all, I got to know my baby growing inside of me.

On May 1st, we had another big ultrasound and learned that our baby was a girl. My husband and I were so excited. We named her immediately, Alexandria Elizabeth, a name chosen for our baby girl before we were even married.

I was told that I could probably start getting out of bed the last week in May, but I really needed to wait until then because my doctor was taking a family vacation the week before. The week that he was gone, I felt like I might be getting a urinary tract infection, but I wasn't positive, so I decided to wait until my next week's appointment.

On May 26th, my 23rd birthday, and just beginning my 23rd week, I began spotting in mid morning. I called the office and talked to a nurse who said it was probably nothing, but to come in for a quick check. The doctor sent me home with reassurance that everything was ok, and within ten minutes of walking into my house, my water broke.

I knew it immediately, and my husband was on the phone within minutes when it happened again. I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital, and that is where my pregnancy turned more serious than I ever thought possible.

We had three options: to deliver immediately and end the pregnancy, to wait and see what happens, or to embark on an antibiotic and magnesium treatment that would leave me totally confined to a hospital bed for what we hoped would be 11 more weeks. By doing the last option, we could hopefully keep our baby alive until it was safe for her to be born. We, of course, chose to do all that we could to save our baby. There wasn't even a choice to be made as far as I was concerned, this was our only option.

So my body was pumped full of the strongest antibiotics that a fetus could handle, in hopes of fighting any infections that may be in my body or more importantly in my womb. Then there were the painful doses of magnesium that burned my entire body from the inside, used to keep me from having any contractions. I endured this for my baby. I kept having to tell myself that it would all be worth it when I could hold my precious baby girl.

My husband stayed at the hospital with me most of the days, and after shuffling our son from friends and relatives, and getting him ready for bed at night, he would return to the hospital and sleep in the chair to be with me. By the third night, I begged him to go home and be with Jacob because I know how scared and confused he was. He finally agreed and left at around midnight.

That night though, I had been telling my nurse that I felt like I had a bladder infection because I could feel the pressure of my catheter emptying my bladder. She checked my catheter several times and kept assuring me that I was fine because the antibiotics would kill any viruses. That night, I laid in my bed in the labor and delivery ward and listened to five babies being born, and as they all cried and the families scurried around to see the new babies, somehow I knew that I would never hear Alexandria cry. The doctor had ordered a strip of the fetal heartbeat every hour to be taken since she was so small and could move out of the monitor's reach, and 4 am was the last time I heard my baby's heartbeat.

I actually didn't realize that there was something wrong. At 5 am, the nurses couldn't find the heartbeat, but I figured that she had again just moved out of reach. After several nurses tried unsuccessfully, I felt a peace come over me and I could finally sleep. I had not even shut my eyes the entire night.

I was awakened by the high risk doctor who had taken over my case, a man I might add who was not as gentle as I would have liked. He entered with an ultrasound, which I expected because we had already talked about checking to see if the amniotic fluid had started acccumulating again, so I still was not alarmed.

He turned on the machine, and there was silence. As he searched and typed in a bunch of stuff, and kept looking, I knew. My baby whom I had been fighting to save was gone. I told him that we had not heard the heartbeat since 4 am, and he responded that he was aware of that and that he had been delivering a baby at another hospital and got there as soon as he could. He ordered a second sonogram from radiology to verify his findings. There was no blood flow in her brain, so yes, she was dead.

The doctor returned and started talking about delivery. By that time, my husband had arrived, and I kept telling him that I could not deliver a dead baby. I wanted a c-section, but was told that was not possible if I wanted to ever have children again. The nurse told me to expect labor at least as long as I had with my first child, but it would probably be longer.

I immediately asked God for strength and a speedy delivery, and within minutes of the magnesium being turned off, I was in full dilation and ready to deliver. So, without any pain medication and both of my uteruses contracting at different times, I delivered my 1 lb. 2 oz. breech baby.

Holding my beautiful baby was one of the most meaningful and memorable experiences of my life, the other being the birth of my son, Jacob. If I would not have held her and studied her every part, I would not have known how beautiful she is. She is a miniature version of Jacob with the same nose, mouth, forehead, hands, and feet.

We celebrated her life at a service in our church that was attended by many family and friends. Her life, no matter how short means everything to us, and we treasure our every memory of our baby girl.

This poem was written by a friend and given to me after Alexandria's funeral, and as I read it on the drive out to the cemetery, I had an answer to my prayers and questions about my baby.

Letter From an Angel

Jesus, please deliver this message
To the one that I call Mother.
I felt her heart beat through my soul
In a world where I knew no other.

Please tell her I'm safe and happy, Lord
In your warm and loving light.
Please stop her heart from breaking
Hold her through this darkest night.

Don't let her spirit feel torment
Let her know I'm in your care.
Make her heart stay strong and full of love
For I'll be dwelling there.

Tell her I know how she adored me
I heard the song that her soul sings.
Just tell her this tiny, precious angel
Wasn't quite ready to shed her wings.

Mommy loves you Alex. You will always be my angel baby.

Thank you for reading my story. It is healing in itself just to be able to put it into words.

Entry #2: January 16, 2001

I wrote to you in 1998 after the stillbirth of my 24 week old baby. I received many encouraging emails and made several contacts with whom I have now lost touch. I wondered if you could update my entries with my new email address.

Another note, I had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth to my second son in June 1999, but then lost another baby at 10 weeks in May 2000. It was harder to grieve for that baby after what I had been through with Alexandria. My four year old son named the baby "Michael" and insists that he was a boy. I feel guilty because I have so many memories and momentoes to cherish from Alexandria and only my hospital bracelet with the date for Michael.

Thank you so much for your site. I have spent hours tonight reading people's entries and remembering my own memories. I even came across the poem that a friend had written to me and given me at the funeral. I hadn't read it in a good while. Thanks again for your site. If it is not possible to update my entry it is no problem.

Elizabeth Webb

Mommy of Alexandria Elizabeth May 29, 1998


Baby Michael May 4, 2000

Stillborn/Double Uterus
6/23/98 and 1/16/01

Marcia's comments: I am sorry to hear about the loss of Michael. How special that Jacob named this baby. Our sons named our two miscarried babies.

Your reaction of feeling or grieving differently for this baby is normal. Just as we love each child differently, we grieve differently around each child. You may want to read about miscarriage - there are several areas on the site that address miscarriage.

With Alexandria you held and saw her, most babies born through miscarriage aren't seen and there are few mementos. As you will see on the site, we discuss the importance of "Making memories/mementos" for our miscarried babies. Also, society is not as quick to let us acknowledge miscarried babies. The section about Coping Ideas suggests ways to heal after a miscarriage. You might want to consider writing about your recent loss and I will include it in the Sharing Stories section about miscarriage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Placental Abruption --- Little Footprints

Carrie Marie Rose arrived at only 23 weeks gestation on June 7, 1998. Due to a placental abruption I went into premature labor. I am eager to hear from others who have experienced a placental abruption. Any known causes? Do we dare risk trying again?

Little Footprints

How very softly you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently.
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon my heart.
D. Ferguson

Our hearts are aching because we miss you so.
Dan & Lara Rose --- Bondurant, Iowa

Carrie Marie Rose
7 June 1998
Second trimester loss/placental abruption
Des Moines, IA

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems







Incompetent Cervix

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Losing an Angel -- Our Experience

I found out that I was pregnant on my sister's wedding day. We had been trying for about 5 months, and were overjoyed! We felt as if nothing could bring us down.

My pregnancy wasn't perfect. I bleed for the first four months, but the doctor assured us that everything was fine. We saw our tiny Angel's heartbeat and were speechless. Her heartbeat was always so strong. We listened to it every month, as my husband accompanied me to every appointment. He was such a good daddy.

Our 20 week ultrasound was scheduled for Februrary 3, 1998. After hours of waiting for the tech., who had been stuck in a flood, we finally got to see our baby; heartbeat everpresent. We wanted to know the sex, but the baby would not move. The tech said this was normal, and sent us on our way with a picture of her face. I showed it off at work. I was so proud!

My husband picked me up from work, and told me that the doctor had called. He noticed what seemed to be cysts on the baby's abdomen, and referred us to a specialist in "high risk" pregnancy.

On Februrary 4, 1998, I lay on a cold table, as a doctor who I had never met before told us that there was "no reason to continue this pregnancy." Angel had no renal system, and there was no amniotic fluid. She would not survive outside of the womb.

His voice faded as my whole life's hope shattered in an instant.

They induced labor, and I gave birth to Angel on the morning of Februray 5, 1998. I never got to hold her. I never even saw her. This is a regret that I will take to my grave. Thankfully, however, my husband did get to hold our Angel. He talked to her and bonded with her. Perhaps that is the way it was meant to happen.

We were advised against a funeral, and this is also something that I regret not doing. We should have been given more time with our sweet baby. However, I am thankful for the time that the Lord gave us.

Angel's death helped us to realize that life is so fragile and precious. We will never "forget" or "get over" her. She is our very special baby, and will live eternally in our hearts.

Angel Gabuardi
Second trimester loss/No Renal Sys.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


A Baby With No Name

In April of 1998 I knew I was pregnant (one month). We wanted to have another child and this was very exciting news.

I started bleeding at about 2 months, but the Doctor didn't seem to be too concerned as I had spotting with my first child. But I knew this was different and in my heart I knew something was wrong.

They sent me for an ultrasound at 12 weeks (just to make me feel better, per Doctor) and I knew for sure then that something was wrong. Maybe if this had been my first pregnancy I wouldn't have known any difference, but this baby just wasn't acting right. But the Doctor told me everything looked ok. But my gut told me otherwise.

I was bleeding daily and heavily, but again my Doctor just brushed it off as nothing serious. She didn't even examin me, just assumed it was the same thing I had during my first pregnancy, even though I told her it wasn't the same. I even called another Doctor in desperation for someone to listen to me. Something was very wrong.

About 3 weeks later I was at my sisters when I felt a gush of fluid. I was bleeding very heavily. She rushed me to the emergency room where they examined me and said my cervix was closed which was a good sign. They picked up a heartbeat after several tries. They sent me to have an ultrasound. They did see a heartbeat, but the Doctor seemed unusually quiet and serious.

A little while later the ER Doctor came in looking grim and said that there was a serious problem with the baby. My amnotic fluid was very low, which looking back I realized I was loosing a lot of water besides bleeding earlier in the day. The ER Doctor went on to say the baby had some serious abnormalities and most likely would not survive, especially without having hardly any fluid. My heart just fell to the floor. My husband and I were just in shock. We were loosing a dream of a future with this precious child.

The next day we went to see a prenatal specialist that confirmed the ER Doctor's diagnosis. They gave us options and we knew we had an agonizing decision to make to possibly end this life, as this baby would not survive or make it to birth. The Doctor's wanted me to wait thru the weekend (it was Thursday at this time) to see if I would miscarry on my own.

The next few days were the most agonizing, frightening, sad time have ever experienced. I knew this baby would not survive until birth and we would have to make a decision to take this baby soon. The next Tuesday the Doctor did another ultrasound and by Gods grace, nature had taken the baby gently on her own.

I was relieved that I wouldn't have to live with the guilt of ending this life, and that God took the baby before I had to.

They admitted me to the hospital so they could take the baby since my body didn't miscarry this baby on its own, but it had tried. I was 16 weeks when this little life left us.

We never gave the baby a name as I wanted to pretend this wasn't a big deal and was just a missed miscarriage (actually fetal demise).

I feel guilty for grieving so heavily as I keep thinking that other people have worse problems. Other people loose born children. Or they loose babies later in pregnancies. So I am selfish for feeling what I do.

My Doctor admitted to me later that there had been a problem with my 12 week ultrasound but didn't want to tell me since I was so worried already. They had shown low amnotic fluid. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and am in disbelief that she would keep such information from me.

I still can't seem to get over this and am still grieving heavily. I still want to name him, but can't bring myself to it.

Here is a letter to my baby...


Everyone acts like you never existed, even your Daddy, although I know this pained him also. They go on like nothing ever happened. You would think I just had a wart removed, not a baby. You were my baby.

It isn't fair. I have to go around pretending I am happy and act as if I am over this. But I am so depressed I can hardly face the days anymore. I try to cry only when no one else is around. I can hardly stand to have anyone hug or touch me. I wish I could just hide indoors and never have to face anyone, but I can't. So I have to go on pushing my sadness and grieve deep inside and go around trying to be happy so as not to let anyone know how I really feel.

I am just thankful I didn't have to make the decision to end your life. We had to face that horrible decision at first because of information received from the Doctor. But nature was kind and took you gently on her own. Not that dying before you are born is natural or kind.

I so looked forward to having you, holding you and kissing you. I tell everyone that Kayli, your sister, makes it all better or easier. I love Kayli more then life itself, but it doesn't make losing you any easier at all.

My faith in God is very weak right now. I have tried so hard to have faith and believe. But I feel right now that God doesn't care what happens to me. I still believe in him, but I just don't believe he cares for me.

I feel I have no one to talk to about this, not that I would anyway. I am the kind to keep things to myself. I keep thinking how far along I would be right now, and how much closer to your due date of December 20, 1998 I am.

I want so much to try again and hope that I will have a healthy baby. But I am also frightened to go through this again. I don't think I could ever go through another pregnancy without worries the whole way through. I want another baby so badly. I want Kayli to have a brother or a sister, it doesn't matter. I have to face the possibility that I may never have another baby. But I will keep trying until I can't try anymore or until I have completely lost my mind.

I feel so alone in this. Your Daddy, I feel is so unobservant in knowing why I have mood swings or why I am depressed. It makes me angry that he is so dense and has to wonder why I am acting or feeling the way I am. Does he think I can go through four months of pregnancy, bonding with my child and then to have him taken from me and I can just go on with my life like nothing ever happened?

Should we have named you to acknowledge that you were here even for only a short time? Even though you were so little and knew when you died, I still had and have a great love for you. I wonder if God takes a baby this small and will resurrect him to go to heaven. How young is too young for God?

My heart is breaking and I can't seem to stop crying long enough for it to start mending. Every time it begins to mend, I rip it open again and start bleeding all over again. I felt your life inside of me. You were my baby boy for such a short time, but you were mine!!!! I love you!!

Love Mommy

No Name Yet
Second trimester loss
Lakewood, WA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Noah's Story

I remember the day like it were yesterday, July 23, 1998. I took 3 pregnancy tests just to make sure the first and second one I took were not defective.

I called the doctor the next day, he prescribed prenatal vitamins and told me to make an appointment when I was about 10 wks. along, the appointment was scheduled for Sept. 2. Myself and Bret were so excited to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and when we heard it Bret said "It sure is strong for being so little." Everything in the pregnancy was fine at that point, I had gained 4 lbs. and was feeling really good.

I was also very nervous, my sister had alot of difficulties carrying a child full term on her 3rd pregnancy, and since this was my 3rd I couldn't help but think I was going to have problems also.

The second doctor visit was scheduled for Sept. 29, I took my other 2 children with me this time, they really enjoyed hearing their little brother or sisters heartbeat, it made them feel special. At that doctor visit everything was ok, except I had lost 1lb. The doctor said to make an appointment for 4 wks., October 27. I was really excited for this appointment, as it was time for the ultrasound.

At the October 27 visit I had lost 3lbs. I was 17 1/2 wks. along, and everything seemed to be fine, the doctor scheduled our ultrasound for Nov. 11.

November 11 came, 9:15am time for the ultrasound, we were so excited to see our baby, hoping we could find out the sex of the baby today. The ultrasound technician takes all of the measurements needed, the entire time making sure to point out the special things, heartbeat, heart (all 4 chambers) legs, spine, ribs, kidneys, bladder......but the baby was laying funny so we could not find out what the sex was. The ultrasound was over, we were elated, we saw our child.

The Ultrasound technician told us she was going to develop the film and show them to the radiologist to make sure they had all of the measurements they needed. When she came back into the room she said, "Your doctor will call you tomorrow, he is on vacation today." I looked at her, and she said "He calls everyone after they have had an ultrasound."

So Bret and I left, I knew there was something wrong, how did she know my doctor was on vacation...she must have called him.

The next day I went to work as normal, feeling very impatient, I called the doctor to find out what the ultrasound said. I knew there was a problem when the doctor called back, he said that the amniotic fluid level was very low, he sent me to see a specialist that same day.

Frantically, Bret and I drove an hour and a half to the specialist, on the drive I remembered that before my Oct. 27th visit I had awaken in the night to a wet bed, since I did not start cramping or feeling any differently I wrote it of as just having an accident, I could not have been more wrong.

When we got to the specialist they did an ultrasound, he then decided he wanted to do an amnioticinfusion, he wanted to do this for 2 reasons, 1. To better see the baby, particulary the kidneys and bladder 2. If I had lost my water, by putting the water in the could inject a dye that would tell me if I lost my water again.

After the infusion, they seemed very optimistic for our child, it looked like the kidneys were functioning properly because there was fluid in the bladder, now we just had to wait and see if I leaked any fluid.

We left the specialists feeling pretty good, until we got all the way home, I got out of the truck in our drive way and my water broke. So we went to the hospital where I was on complete bedrest for 4 days.

They sent me home from the hospital on bedrest and antibiotics, not giving us much hope for the life of our child. They kept saying "If you can make it to 24 wks. there is a slim chance of survival." So our target date became Dec. 11, we would then be 24wks. and 1day

The day I was released from the hospital was Nov. 15 a Sunday. For the entire week my mother came over and took care of me while Bret worked, we had to go in for ultrasounds twice a week and also had to see the doctor twice a week. Everything seemed to be going along well, the baby was very active and I had no infection and had not gone into labor.

I was scheduled to see the doctor on Nov. 19, my Mom took me as Bret was working, the babies heartbeat was 166 bpm, and I had gained 1lb. I was really hopeful, that afternoon the baby was moving and I grabbed my daughters hand to have her feel him, and before she could get her hand on my tummy he quit moving, I told her "When he moves again Mommy will call you, and you can feel him then." The baby never moved again,

I waited to go to the doctor until my scheduled ultrasound on Monday Nov. 23rd. I guess I was just hoping he was taking a little nap, babies get tired too.

Bret and I went to the ultrasound on the 23rd, and I knew before we walked into the room that there wasn't going to be a hearbeat, the ultrasound technician started the ulrasound, and just as I had suspected, my baby had died.

My doctor came over and said it was time to induce labor, boy how I wished I was dreaming, and that I would be waking up at any given minute.

But that did not happen, labor was induced at 11:45am on Nov. 23, and our 21wk. 5day old son Noah was born at 1:15am Tuesday November 24. He weighed 9 ounces and was 10" long.

It has now been 19 days since we had Noah, and I miss him, I often think of the things I will never get to see him do or say, but most of all I think of how I will never get to kiss my baby and tell him I love him.

Noah Wilde
Second trimester loss
LeMars, IA

Marcia's Thoughts: You shared what so many in our group seem to say...that they worried and felt unsure about "this particular pregnancy" from the beginning....hoping all would be fine, but very worried." I was touched, though, that you did what so many kept hope going and included your other children in this baby's life. Noah was (and is) a part of your life..forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems



Dear Marcia and SHARE Atlanta:

My husband and I lost our dear baby Hannah on March 4. She was born premature at 21 weeks after being diagnosed with Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type IIA.

I just wanted to let you know how helpful your website has been to me. I've spent much of the past two days investigating the site and have found much support. Everyone says I should speak to a grief counselor or go to a support group, but I'm not ready (and might never be) to do that. Your information has been what I've needed to keep going. It encompases so many areas that I need to deal with as I am still trying to understand and accept what has happened.

I would be interested in communicating with anyone you might know who has lost a child to OI. I have contacted the OI Foundation, but they mostly deal with people who live with the disease. I attempted to e-mail Tracy, who wrote to you describing how her daughter died from the same disease, but the message came back to me. Any help you can provide would be tremendously appreciated.

Also, it means the world to e to see my daughter's name in the on-line candle section.

Many, many thanks for your wonderful work!!!

Osteogenesis Imperfecta Type IIA
Fairfield, OH

Marcia's thoughts: My purpose in the site is for folks to have some understanding that they are not alone as they move through their pain and grief. Whether we attend a group, go to a counselor or read books and sites...the important thing, I believe, is to learn about grief, realize that you aren't alone and CAN survive, and give yourself permission to grieve. Learning all you can about the condition that your baby had, if that is possible, is usually helpful.

...Groups are helpful for further outreach and support. We love our group support. It isn't for everyone, but just being in a room of folks who have been there and understand can often ease the hurt, a little....

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Grieving and unable to come to terms with another funeral

My waters went at 20w 6days in hospital where l was on bedrest and obsevation due to the prem but live births of two girls and the death earlier on in the year(May) of a little girl.

By some miracle l managed to hang on for three weeks until l got to 23w6days before going into labour. My local hospital was not equipped to deal with a baby that small so there began a desperate search to find a neonatal bed for my baby. They managed to find me a bed in Leeds where four days later l gave birth to a little baby boy born sleeping.

Due to circumstances surrounding the birth we are now suing the hospital but l cannot come to terms with his death and can not stop grieving for him. His birth has knock for me - more than my little girls as he tried to hang on for me and l cannot have anymore children. Is there anyone out there who have had the same or similar experience and lived through it or anyone who can help me as l no longer know what to do.

"Premature Labour" by Cheryl (4/29/99)...for Cheryl's loving story about her lost last May.

Nicholas Richard Pavlovsky
Second trimester loss
Oldham, England

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems



I had my baby at 22 weeks. The Dr said if I would have waited one more week, David would have lived. He was a perfect baby. My cervix failed. His lungs were not formed all of the way, they were only buds.

On 02-26-99, I woke up at 5:30am in transition with my water bag protruding out. I was able to hold off on my pushing for 5 1/2 hours trying not to have him as the Dr said when he is born, he will not make it. He was born at 10:19am. Our lives changed that morning for ever.

I have my minster there praying over the Dr & nurses hands and he prayed over the neonatal intensive care team as they tried to save David. But it wan't meant to be.

I thank God I had the knowledge to ask for my baby during my stay at the hospital. I had David with me for 2 hours after he was born. They took him away for his foot/hand prints. I called the nurse and asked for him back. I had him until 9:30pm. All of my family had time to get to the hospital to hold David and see that we did have our third son.

The next day, before I went home, I had the nurse bring my baby back to me to say good bye. I was able to have him for another hour and a half before I went home. Had I not know to ask for him back, I would not have seen him after he was born.

At the mortuary, I advised the director that I wanted to dress him. The day of his grave side service my family went to the mortuary, and I was able to dress him and spend another hour and a half with him loving him, kissing him, looking at him. I was very blessed to have those 3 days with him. I held him every chance I could because I knew it would have to last a life time.

My baby was buried between my grandma and papa. It is some comfort knowing my grandparents can hold him now.

I always thought the saying "my arms ache to hold my baby" was a figure of speech. Now I know first hand that it isn't.

David William Buhlmann
Stillborn/incompetent cervix
Whittier, CA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Mary Kelly and Ashley Randall

My daughters Mary Kelly and Ashley Randall were born still on April 22, 1999. They died in utero from a disease called twin to twin transfusion.

I was 23 weeks when I delivered. I delivered on a Thursday. My childrens hearts stopped beating some time between Monday and early Wednesday of the week I delivered.

I am alright most days, but today I just had my post partum check up and received my girls autopsy report. This saddens me to no end, because it now "is over" as others would think, and for me this is just the beginning.

Atlanta, GA
twin to twin transfusion

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Support needed...

We have recently lost a child due to illness in the Second trimester.I would like to find a support group if possible, or just a kind ear. Thank you, Sarah

Ozark, Al

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems



I lost my first baby during my twelfth week. I didn't even realize I was miscarrying until there was no heartbeat detected. I had a D&C and was quite sad; however, little did I know that an even greater hurt was yet to come.

I became pregnant again only a short time later. I was a little nervous, but felt that with my doctor's care and much prayer, that the Lord would take care of me.

I had a fairly "normal" pregnancy, and we even heard the baby's heartbeat several times, and saw her on the ultrasound.

She was quite an active little girl, always moving and kicking around. I was 22 weeks along and was so excited about my pregnancy. I felt sure that nothing could or would go wrong now that we had seen, heard, and felt her life inside of me.

On March 30, 1999, I woke up and got out of bed and my water broke almost instantly. I was quite shocked.

At the time, I wasn't aware that that is what had happened, and I thought I had just gone to the bathroom. I was without pain or anything for the entire day. That evening around 6:00 p.m. I began to get extremely sick. I was running a high fever, and also had severe flu-like symptoms. We called my doctor and he said to stay in bed and drink plenty of liquids and to call him if my symptoms changed.

I began to have contractions and they only came more and more frequently and more and more severly. I finally begain bleeding heavily and my husband took me to the hospital at around 12:00 a.m.

When we got there, they immediately hooked me up to monitors and did a physical exam. I was told there was no heartbeat and that my doctor was on his way. I began to go into heavy labor and start pushing shortly after my doctor arrived.

I delivered Claire at 1:45 a.m. on Wednesday, March 31, 1999. She was 11 inches long and 13 oz. She was perfect and looked much like her daddy.

The umblical cord was wrapped two times around her little neck and therefore had cut off her blood supply.

She was so sweet. We have a box with her blanket and pictures, and birth announcement and hospital bracelet -- that the nurse gave to us. We are so thankful for the wonderful nurses and my doctor. They were so caring and helpful during this very difficult time.

At my post-op checkup, the doctor confirmed that the baby was indeed perfect and the only indication of death was from the long umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck.

We want to begin trying again soon. The doctor says he will put a stitch around my cervix at approximately 14 weeks. We are anxious and excited all at the same time.

I miss my Claire so very much. She was such a special part of mine and my husband's life. We love her with every part of who we are.

We know that she is in Heaven with Jesus. She couldn't have been loved more and she will always be our special daughter. We plan to name our next child (if it is a girl:-) with the middle name being Claire. Claire will always be in our hearts and someday I know that I will hold her in my arms again.

To all of you who have experienced a loss of a child--my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know the pain seems overbearing at times; look to the God that is the only God and He is the only one who will wrap you in His arms of grace and love and see you through this most difficult time. He will be the help, hope, and strength you need to fill those empty lonely feelings. email me to talk. In memory of Claire, Jennifer

Claire Marie Wiser
Second trimester loss/possibily the cord & incompetent cervix
Holly, MI

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Seeking died of Listeria Infection

Hi, I just had a stillborn on August 14, 1999. I had a very rare infection called listeria. i was only 28 weeks gestated and i was going into preterm labor. after i had given birth they had confirmed he had died. Because the infection had gotton into the placenta.

If you have anyone to help me with this time of loss to talk about it can you have them e- mail me? please. thank you---Jessica Delano Jessica
Listeria Infection
Lewiston, ME

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Brad and Chad

I lost twin boys at 25 weeks on Sept. 9,1999. I am coping somedays better than others.

My family and I were so looking forward to twins. I would like any support from anyone who has lost twins or lost a baby due to a placenta rupture.

I would also like to know if there are any support groups in the Valdosta area. My husband, my daugter and I would benefit from people who have lost and are grieving for a child.

We are hurting and even though we are Christians we do not understand Why we lost our precious twin boys when all had been going so well.

I went into premature labor and within 15 minutes my sons were delivered via vertical c-section and wisked away in a desparate attempt to save them. Chad lived approx. 3 hours and Brad lived approx. 10 hours. I will soon go back to work. I dread it because I teach middle schoolers and they too were waiting the arrival of my twins. I have lots of questions to answer and I know I am not ready. Any help from anyone will be appreciated.

Chad and Brad
Placental Abruption
Valdosta, GA

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Our loss-

We lost our precious baby. He would have been born in April of 2000. But God had wanted our baby up in heaven. I had broke my water at 19 weeks, I had to deliver (my docs had given our baby a lose lose situation.)

We delivered a beautiful 6.8oz 8inch baby boy, Brett Allen on November 18, 1999.

Our daughter will never understand why God took another of our babies to stay up in heaven with Him. It is so hard to wake up each day and know you are not pregnant anymore, that you will not have a baby to care for when your original due date comes around.

We have grieved in every way you can. It is not enough, I feel lost and feel no one can help me. I do believe that in time we will be ok. All I can think of is wanting to be pregnant again. Kathy

Marcia's Note...Kathy and her family lost a baby on June 17, 1999 due to a miscarriage.

Brett Allen
Chicago, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~

Return to list of Letters and Poems


Return to Midterm Losses Menu

Share Logocopyright(c)SHARE Atlanta 10/97-02

Graphics on this Site are Copyright