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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Single Moms supporting one another...'98-'99


"Kristan Taylor" by Nicole (1/98)

"Shelbie Jo" by Angie 9/29/98

"Crying for My Baby by Mom 10/7/98

"My Experience" by Jackie (7/97)

"Losing Baby Jesse" by Jennifer (1/98)

"By the Grace of God" by DeAnn (6/98)

"Just A Few Hours" by Jaclyn (9/8/98)

"Mommy's Special lil angel......" by Tracy (6/98)

"Lost Soul" by Tracy (7/98)

"J.C." by Jaid (10/11/98)

"A beautiful Daughter, Noelle" by Donna (11/4/98)

"Cameron" by Jennifer 11/12/98)

" Everyday I wonder what it would have been like to have you here with us..." by Peggy (11/12/98)

"My Time of Agony" by Jamie (11/17/98)

"Ryan and Brittany" by Summer (12/1/98)

"Joseph, the Angel I never got to hold" by Kerryn (3/25/99)

"My Angel" by Monica (3/31/99)

"My sweet baby John Matthew" by Jennifer (4/29/99)

"Gage Alexander" by Heather (5/12/99)

"My thoughts..." by Sherry (6/28/99)

"My Loss" by Melissa (11/5/99)


"Kristin Taylor"
Your baby will hold your hand and guide you.
That, for me, is all I need to know.

The light of my life was born at 14 weeks on March 6, 1997, and her name is Kristin Taylor Dooley. I was engaged to her father for a very short time before finding out I was pregnant. I was 18. I was very scared because I come from a conservative Southern Baptist home, and I was very active in the church. I knew that my parents would be horrified and embarrassed and it took me six weeks after I found out to get up enough courage to tell my mother. I also knew that my relationship with Justin, my fiance, would be dramatically altered with this information, and I was afraid to tell him also. We had just set our wedding date and gotten my ring: We were to be married on October 31, Halloween, in my home church in Smyrna. My planning was interrupted by a visit from Justin's old girlfriend, who exposed several truly hideous truths that I had avoided up until that moment. I confronted him the same day and also told him that I was three months pregnant. He was less than pleased at the entire situation and quietly walked away from his future. He came back a week later, but by then it was too late.

My contractions began the night of the confrontation and turned into full fledged labor at about 5 AM on March 6th. I was alone in my house when Taylor was born, and somehow managed to drive myself later that morning to see my doctor, who confirmed what I already knew. I was shocked and stunned and that lasted for an entire month. I went through the motions, finishing my second quarter of college, and tried to work things out with Taylor's father, whose idea of dealing with the loss was to pretend she never existed. That was easy for him. I was aware of her existence from two weeks on. I was the one who threw up twice a day and felt incredible changes in my body. I was the one who went through labor, and I was the one who saw my daughter. To this day, I can close my eyes and see the tiny body that would fit in the palm of my hand, and the dark hair that would have grown into silken curls, and the eyes that I'm sure are green.

My need to deal with reality head on overtook me, and became the deciding factor in ending my relationship with Justin. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, but to stay with him would have been to sacrifice my sanity and safety. I owe Taylor more than that. I found SHARE through research and attend whenever I can. I have since moved back to Milledgeville where I went to college before I met Justin and am completing my basic sophomore curriculum. I plan to enter Georgia College and State University's College of Nursing in the fall and pursue a Master's degree specializing in neonatology. Maybe I can save another mommy the heartache of losing the only thing she ever dared to hope for.

My mom turned out to be incredibly supportive - it just took her awhile to adjust. My stepfather still doesn't know that I ever had Taylor. I have also been blessed with beautiful friends, Taylor's "aunts and uncles" - and one really special one who might like to adopt her one day.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. The only answer is to keep on going, keep moving and pushing forward, even when there's nothing that inspires you to go on, even when you're sure you have no strength left to take even one more step. Your baby will hold your hand and guide you. That, for me, is all I need to know.

For more of Nicole's thoughts..."REMEMBER" by Nicole (12/97)

Kristin Taylor
Stillborn/14 weeks
Milledgeville/Atlanta GA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Shelbie Jo

Entry #1:

On July 23, 1997, I lost my baby. I was 8 weeks along and I had known from, what seemed, the first moment that I was pregnant. I don't know how I knew, I just did. I confirmed, however, with a pregnancy test (so I could prove it to my boyfriend) on July 20. I remember that we fought the whole morning at church. I couldn't figure out exactly how to tell him. He had made it clear that he never wanted to have kids. I loved him, so even though I had my heart set on having children, I put my dreams aside for him. We went to his grandparent's house to be alone and so I could talk to him. I fell in his arms crying and he knew instantly what was going on. He asked if I was pregnant and I just nodded yes. He held me for a long time and told me that he loved me and everything would be fine. I took this to mean that, he accepted our baby. We didn't talk for the rest of the day because his family was around.

That night, he called me and when I tried to talk about our child, he cut me off. All he said was "Let's just pray you have a miscarriage." He tore my world apart in that short moment.

Then, that Wednsday, I came home from work and I was spotting. I called my boss, who was pregnant,too. She told me that I would be alright and to lay down for a while. I did and I called my boyfriend who wanted me to come pick him up so he could be with me. I went to his house and he tried to talk me into taking some kind of pill, I didn't take it. But at 6:30 pm, I passed this bloody clump. All I could do was hold it in my hands and cry. I knew that it was my baby and that it was gone from me. I thought I would go crazy. All I ever dreamed of and wanted in my life was in dead in my hand. My boyfriend just stared at it and looked at me in disbelief when I put it in a baggie to take to my doctor. Well, I called my doctor and he told me he couldn't see me until next week! I told him that I had just had a miscarriage and he told me that it was probably in my imagination!

After, it was all over, my boyfriend told me that if I ever got pregnant again that he would make me have an abortion or he would leave me. He didn't want to talk about her or anything. I know that it was too early to tell if it was a boy or girl, but I have no doubt that it was a girl. I named her Shelbie Jo.

She is still with me today and I love her more than I could ever love anyone. I just feel so alone. Nobody understands.

My boyfriend and I broke up after 2 years in June because he said I could not put "that thing" behind me. I could never do that or call her a thing. She is so real to me and I can't believe anyone could be that cold when it comes to their own child.

I'm a mommy, but I have nothing. I don't understand why. Why was she taken? I was only 19 and I know that is young, but so many younger than me have their babies. What did I do so wrong to cause mine to die? I did everything right. Am I just being stupid? It did happen a little over a year ago, but it happened to me! And it was my baby and I lost her! It didn't happen to Ben, it happened to me! I was the one who knew how she felt growing inside of me. I was the one who had morning sickness and all the wonderful feelings of having this wonderful new life in me! Thank you for letting me get this out.

For more of Angie's thoughts..."Shelbie Jo" by Angie (10/3/98)

Entry #2: (with Marcia's thoughts put in...)

Marcia...Thank you for helping me. I didn't think anyone actually cared that I lost her. I know that my parents care and love me, they have been wonderful. They lost 2 sets of twins before I was born. But my Mom doesn't talk much about it and it is something nobody brings up here.M: >>>I am glad that your parents have been supportive. When your mother lost her babies folks were not encouraged to grieve. On the site under Sharing Stories,"Memories Five Years or More Later..." Moms talk about this. Also under "Healing" several letters are from parents who are just now grieving 20 and 30 years later. Under "Gifts" there are two letters from moms who have done special things for a "long ago" baby. This is hard to do... I'm sure your mom has much locked up. It is wise for you to take time to grieve now. I am sure that your mom grieves for you with your loss...

Yesterday, she would have been 7 months old. I spent almost all day crying and asking God why. I understand that there could have been something wrong with her, but I just wish I could've made the decision. I know I could of taken care of her. What if I can never have a baby? What will I do? I don't want Shelbie to think I would forget about her. I am so scared of never having the chance to love another baby as much as I love Shelbie.

M: >>>>Some decisions are not ours to make, but we can make choices when given the opportunity. We are not puppets..we have minds! All of us feel as though we could have taken care of the babies we lost. Most of us fear, at one time or another, that we might never get another chance. But we usually do...Your mom did, I did...most all the folks I know in 13 years of being with SHARE Atlanta have. Having another baby will not make you forget can always hold her close and share as much about her in the future that we wish. As a mother loves each child...each differently but equally, you will be able to love another child. You feel your own mother's love. I'm sure she loves you deeply...

I feel as if, at times, I am going to go crazy. It was like losing her all over again when my due date rolled around. And now each month, I just keep thinking, if only she was here. I know it may sound crazy, but I see her in my dreams everynight. I see her and she looks so beautiful. Even if she does look a lot like her Daddy in my dreams, she is still beautiful.

M: >>>In my own journal I wrote of feeling as though I wa going crazy...a very normal thought in our group. You are NOT - you are grieving! Due dates, anniversaries and holidays make us thing of our special babies even more. That is why we have an entire section about them on our site! Dreaming of your child is normal...we dream of those that we love.

Well, if you would share Shelbie and my story, we would be honored.

M: >>>>I would love to share your might consider finding a group there in your town that would support you. Our National SHARE office has a list of many local groups! Their link is under SHARE Atlanta information...

Harrisburg, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Crying for my baby

A Small Miracle

I have always dreamed of having a family. Babies seem so perfect. I never would have imagined myself in the predicament that I found myself in, however. My baby was conceived at a party. I trusted him and he betrayed my trust, but I knew that I would still love my baby.

I decided that I would keep him. Things would work out somehow. Each day I began to love little Tyler more and more, then when I was almost three months along, something went terribly wrong. I did not feel well. I felt very dizzy and light-headed, almost as if I was in another world. I told no one of my predicament. I was working at the time and I just kept going, even though I felt that there was something very wrong. I have wondered if I had gone to the doctor, would my baby have been okay? I did not want anyone to feel hurt that I could not tell them about little Tyler. The words just never came. It is hard not to blame myself for the loss of life, and I often cry and I can't stop. Each day I try to start anew and I try to find something positive about. Little Tyler affected my life and he always will.

Tyler Lee Keffer
June 29
New Philadelphia, OH

Marcia's thoughts: All mother's wish to protect their child. It is so very hard to realize that we can not and do not have control of so many things that happen to us. You did nothing to hurt your baby. Tyler knows that... Time will help to heal and forgiving is part of that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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MY Experience - 7/30/97




Trenton, NJ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Losing Baby Jesse

I too lost my baby. I was sixteen weeks when the doctor told me at my 4th visit that my baby had died in utero. Baby Jesse stopped developing at 13 weeks. I was so excited, my fiance finally got to go to an appointment and he was going to hear the heartbeat, but he never did hear it. When something like this happens you are numb from the emotional pain, but your baby will never be forgotten, you will carry his/her memory with you for as long as you live. Your baby lives on in your heart.

My fiance and I were going to try again right away..after the dr. gave the okay...(he said to wait 2 cycles to make sure that they are regular, and then it was okay to try). But...we decided to wait, as much as I would give anything to have a baby to hold and as much as I think about it every day, we decided to get married first. I recently wrote a song, and am now in contract with a recording company...Please read...God bless!

(Visit Healing Activities for Jennifer's loving song to baby Jesse.)

Jesse Brean
Second trimester loss
Westerly, RI

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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By the Grace of God...

My daughter Grace was born on October 3, 1996 at 22 1/2 weeks gestation. Her conception, pregnancy, and loss were very profound experiences for me and have changed my views and attitudes in many ways.

When I found out I was pregnant I was scared. I hadn't planned on a child and was at a loss. My boyfiend didn't want to talk about the pregnancy, he definitely left me with the impression that it was my problem. I thought long and hard and decided that I wanted my baby. When I told him my decision he left.

I am blessed with a supportive family who stood by me and accepted the fact that I would raise this child myself. My mother and sisters opened their hearts to a new baby.

My first trimester was fairly uneventful. I didn't have morning sickness, there were a couple of afternoons when I felt a little nauseous but no other problems. I was taking good care of myself. I ate healthful foods, continued to exercise, didn't drink, smoke or take drugs, I took my vitamins- I was doing everything I could to give this child the best possible start.

I started to have some minor spotting during the 21st week of my pregnancy. My doctor performed an ultrasound and detected a small area of abruption. I was put on bedrest. During the third day that I was at home the bleeding became severe and bright red.

My sister Tina took me to the hospital. It was actually very reassuring to be admitted to the hospital. The fetal monitor was placed around my abdomen and I could see and hear the baby's heartbeat, which was strong and steady. The perinatologist performed and ultrasound which showed that the baby, a little girl, was developing normally for her gestational age.

After the ultrasound a vaginal exam was performed which revealed the fact that I have an incompetent cervix. The increased bleeding was not caused by the abruption but was because the amniotic sac had telescoped through my cervix. The prognosis was grave. The doctor explained that the amniotic sac would be contaminated. The baby would be born with an infection which could result in profound and irreversible neurological damage. The options were to perform a cerclage and hope that the pregnancy could be maintained until the 24th week, when the child would be considered viable, or to allow her to be born and not resuscitate.

I am a nurse and have experience working in the neonatal intensive care unit. I knew the risks and complications that awaited my little girl- neurologic damage from perinatal infection, the need for mechanical ventilation and the chance of that causing lifelong lung damage, the inability of her immature organs to function appropriately and a laundry list of other possible complications that would limit the quality of her life.

I chose to let her come into the world. When the amniotic sac broke labor was induced. I wasn't expecting the pain to be as intense as it was, but thankfully it didn't last for very long. My daughter was born at 5:39 pm on Thursday, October 3, 1996. She is my first and only child. I held her right after she was born- you hear people talk about how you foret about the labor pains once you hold the baby. It was true, I forgot about the pain immediately, but I wasn't prepared for the depth and breadth of the love that I would feel for this tiny little girl. The love I felt for this child was more intense that anything I have ever experienced. I felt a physical burning in my chest and thought that my heart would burst with love. Holding her in my arms was an affirmation of faith. I knew, without a doubt, that God exists and that he reaches us through the souls of our children. I knew that her name would be Grace, for she came to me through the grace of God.

It has been over a year an a half since her birth. It still hurts so incredibly when I think of her, which is almost daily. I have the mementos, but nothing can ever replace the pain in my heart. I still feel as though I only have the strength to live one day at a time. Does it ever really get better?

Grace Anne Baker
Second trimester loss/incompetent cervix
Las Vegas, NV

Marcia's thoughts: Grieving does end...healing does happen at different times for different people. A level of sadness usually lasts a lifetime...with the memories becoming bittersweet. Healing is happening when we are not constantly engulfed in pain. When we can forgive ourselves for any preceived wrongdoings during the pregnancy and begin to understand and cope with what has happened to us. Then the "new path" that we chose becomes easier to travel. Changes become easier to accept and make. We now begin to be able to decide if we want to feel pain around our loss...or whether we would rather invest our energies in some new activities. Gradually, we can make a choice to feel grief or not. Our children would want us to love and to miss grieve them, but, I feel, that they would want us to do something in their memory that would make their presence in our lifes - a positive way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Just A Few Hours

This summer has been so much like a dream. I am a college student that loves to go home for the summer to visit my family. This summer wasn't at all as I expected. The beginning of June I started having what I thought was so called accidents on my self, it happened three nights in a row. So I finally got tired of it and decided to go to the doctor. He couldn't find anything wrong with my bladder, so he scheduled a ultrasound to see if I had an infection. On Friday the 5th of June I went in to have my ultrasound, it turned out that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was scared at first I wasn't suppose to be pregnant I was on depo. Once it sunk in I was so excited just knowing there was a life inside of me.

I'm a diabectic so I had to stay in the hospital so they could put me on insulin. Anyways through out the next couple of months I kept noticing some leaking, and I told the doctors about it and they said it was just a yeast infection. So I was scheduled to see a perinatal specialist in Phoenix to get a level 2 ultra sound. I went to go see the specialist, and he told me the same thing that my amnotic fluid was very low. They gave me the choice of terminating my baby which I don't believe in; so I said no. I was scheduled another ultrasound in two weeks so I went and the same news was given to me. The baby had a high chance that it would not make it due to the fluid being low and the lungs would not develop fully. This is when they told me I was leaking fluid. I just kept praying and hoping that everything would be fine.

When I turned 24 weeks they decided to hospitalize me until the baby was big enough to be born, that was on the 17 the August. On the 19 of August on a Wednesday, I woke up with cramps, I didn't know what it felt like to have contractions this was my first. I told the nurse she came in to give me a shot to stop them. It didn't work, by 5:30 that evening I was having 12 contractions in one hour. They gave me pain killer shots that made me feel like I was high. The pain kept getting worse and worse, I told my boyfriend that I knew this was it. I got up to use the bathroom at 9:00 pm and as I was wiping the baby's leg was coming out. I yelled for my boyfriend he got the nurse and within seconds there was doctors surrounding me. They rushed me to the delievery room and our beautiful baby boy was born within minutes.

I just kept praying for God not to take my son and to let him stay here on earth with us. He answered my prayers is what I thought when the doctor came in and told us he was doing better than expected. We got to name him and go in and see him. He was so tiny 1lb. 12oz., 11.5 inches. He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I kissed him and went back up to my room I was so tired. My boyfriend left and I went to sleep.

At 6:40 am on the 20th the nurse came in and said they wanted me down in the nursery. I got up and went down there as soon as I saw the doctor I knew. I just started to cry. His lungs were to immature to go on. He was suffering the more they tried. I went and sat in the rocker as they dressed him than handed him over to me. I rocked him and cried as I kept looking at his body over and over again. They wanted to wait for my boyfriend to get there but they couldn't wait any longer. They shut off the machines at 7 am. He died in my arms. My boyfriend came in with out knowing what was going on, as soon as he saw me he knew and started to cry along with me. We held Isaiah for a couple of hours crying and asking God why. It was the most hardest thing that anyone can ever go through. You never know what it feels like until you've been there yourself.

I miss him so much I think of him every hour, minute, and second. Yet I know that he is in a wonderful place where God is taking care of him now. I love Isaiah with all my heart and I know his dad does to, but one day when it is our time to go we will meet Isaiah again.

Isaiah Jonathan Skidmore
Aug. 20, 1998
Died soon after birth/24 weeks/low fluid
Phoenix, AZ

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mommy's Special lil angel......

It has been almost a month since I lost you lil one and oh how much mommy misses you. Your on my mind every minute of the day. Your sweet lil face is forever etched in my mind, you were soooo pretty. I will be moving into my new home this week, which was meant for you and I. I can't seem to be happy about this first home of mine without you. I feel as if I am still wandering around looking for something I am never to find. I want to believe your having fun with your great-grandpa's and they are spoiling you rotten. I love and miss you so very much my precious baby girl.


Tracy Lee Utterback
Dominique Lee
Second trimester loss
Mt. Pleasant, MI

Marcia's note - Looking for our baby can be a part of the grieving process. Moms have told me that they wander around not really knowing why... Please give yourself gentle time to heal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Today is 8 weeks since I lost my daughter at 5 1/2 months of pregnancy. I found out she had a lethal form of dwarfism(osteogensis imperfecta type II). I am 36 yrs old, single with no children. I was with my daughters father for 3 yrs when I found out I was pregnant. Things were not great, but I thought we could get through the pregnancy by sharing the experience. However I was wrong. He didn't come around much. When I found out there was a problem with Dominique and had to see the 1st specialist, he said "he didn't feel comfortable" going with me. At this time I knew he wouldn't be there for me, so I left him.

My family was there to support me when I found out I would never take a baby home no matter when I had her. They were there when I had to make the decision to carry her(and have her suffer if carried to term) or interrupt this pregnancy. They were there when I had to decide if I wanted an autopsy done, to determine if it would happen to me again. And they were there when I had labor induced and delivered her in the bed pan. All the doctors said she would not be born alive, but she was(thank god she didn't suffer) and again they(my mom and sisters) were there.

I bought a house so that my daughter and I could have our own place, but now that is empty along with me. I feel like everyone has forgotten what I went through and what I am still going through. I have no one to share my thoughts and feelings with that understands. I have a difficult time sharing how I feel with anyone, because I don't think they want to hear me talk about her or hear that I am really not doing well. My heart hurts all the time. I would appreciate any help or advice. I would love to find a great chat group. Thank you, Tracy

"ALMOST THERE" by Tracy (4/30/99)

Tracy Lee Utterback
Dominique Lee
Second trimester loss
Mt. Pleasant, MI

Months one - three Marcia's thoughts on Tracy's letter and on grief during this time period: At first, others have "understood" we were grieving so "grieving" was fine. Tears, sadness and disbelief are accepted, encouraged and defended. It's been two months since Tracy's loss...most everyone else is ready to move on. She is not. Others have seen us through "the worst" and are ready for the grieving parent to cope. Usually, after a loss, we react to what is going on and may seem okay to those around us. We are numb and, for the most part, don't fully understand all our emotional turmoil. Folks may even tell others that we are doing fine. Our hearts and arms do ache - the physical details have been "taken care of," now the emotional details truely begin to happen. Our initial shock and denial are starting to wear off and other feelings invade our hearts and souls. This is normal and part of the grieving process. Most folks think grief lasts 2 to 4 weeks. Why? Perhaps because that is the general attention span that can be allowed for a tragic event...then life has to "return to normal." Our lack of knowledge around this causes the bereaved to be even harder on their reactions to grief feelings. We decide something must be truely wrong since we "aren't over our pain." We must give ourselves permission to grieve longer than the "alloted time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My misfortune only happened a week ago. I found I was pregnant when I was 9 weeks. My boyfriend and I decided to keep the baby. We have been together for a while and although, not married, we could handle this. When my parents found out they weren't too thrilled but, a few days later they began to accept it. Both sides of the family knew and everyone was happy for us.

Being as I'm Catholic, it was very important for us to decided whether or not we were going to get married. He wanted to...I didn't. Everything was happening way too fast.

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I was constantly sick. It was the hardest two months I ever went through. I started to get nervous when thinking about the baby growing inside me. I even had thoughts of how being pregnant was just the worst. My birthday came and at this time I was accepting my body changing and was looking forward to the holidays because I would be showing by then.

Before, I found the bleeding, I had done some activities that I wish now I never did. Actually, everything I did before the miscarriage I constantly think about and regret. My miscarriage occurred in my home at around 11:45 a.m. I was sure that what was coming out was my baby. But, I wasn't too sure. I was so hysterical and so was my Mom. The clump that came out was big and it happened in my toilet. I was crying my eyes out and we were so scared of all the blood that we flushed the toilet. After, that ordeal was over, I realized...I just flushed my baby down the toilet. How could I ever forgive or forget about that? This is probably one of the reasons I can't stop thinking about it. Why did I flush the toilet? Why didn't I rest just stay home and rest on my birthday? Two hours after I felt something else wanting to come out. I pushed and this time it felt like a little clump. I still couldn't look at it and my Mom couldn't see it since it was so bloody; we flushed it again. It's so hard not thinking about it. I feel it's all my I could've done something.

It's been a week today and just yesterday did I start feeling a little better. I feel a little guilty because today I had a few laughs and sort of just had an ordinary day. My boyfriend started early too. He went out and had fun and I felt he was so inconsiderate for doing that. Although, I'm not sure if he is still grieving or what because he doesn't show it or say it. I know this unfortunate thing was god's will. I'm trying my best to understand, and I'm also trying to best to not take the blame. But, I was ready for J.C. He wasn't planned but he was extrememly loved. My baby died when he was only 12 weeks old. I think he stopped forming before that but to me he was mine up until 12 weeks. He will always be in our minds and in our hearts.

Please help me get over that moment when I flushed the toilet. It's so hard...I miss you J.C.

Mama and Daddy love you!


Some Marcia's Thoughts: ...No one is "prepared" for a sudden miscarriage. During the shock and panic of a miscarriage, a person does the best that can be managed at the time. So often events happen quickly and are very alarming. We are afraid and unsure of how much we can cope with as we move through this time. Making it from one moment to the next is about all we can handle. This is normal and human.

In leading a group for 14 years, several moms have shared about the same story. After the fact, they reflect on the image of flushing tissue and, possibly the baby, away. This, of course, is very upsetting. No one wants to think that they would purposely do this. Remember this is done in alarm and uncertainty of what is happening. We want to move through all of the event and flushing away the tissue seems to do this. Some know that doctors ask for this tissue and will save it(this is hard to do, too). It all feels so awkward and unsettling...and it is! Most moms don't really think of the baby being delivered this way. They believe this will happen later...thus we get confused. Please know that you did nothing wrong. You, and many others, did what seemed right at the time. Most moms who have had a miscarriage, never see any of the tissue or the baby...even when they ask to. I have known one mom who actually held her twelve week baby...very rare indeed.

Today, some hospitals do save and cremate the remains and the baby and bury them somewhere - often with a moment prayer. Others do not. Parents can ask if they want to know - for many this is important. We suggest to our moms and parents to realize how they feel about their miscarriage around this issue and gradually move to a place where they do not have to focus on this part of a miscarriage. It is part of the reality of a miscarriage. Like other losses, miscarriages can be full of fear and confusion - most folks do not realize this! For many a burial of notes or a small treasure, a planting of a tree or a special memento begins the healing process. Parents come to the place in their grief that they can let go of "what happened during the actual miscarriage" and know that to remember their child in love is very special.

One other thought, the time before a loss, for someone who has never had a loss, is usually treated fairly normally. There is no reason to change most of a given lifestyle. We remind each other in the groups that moms, long ago and some today, worked in fields, walked many miles while pregnant, did hard physical work, etc. There are some givens that we all should consider while pregnant...some do, some don't, but many babies get here anyways. The best place to try to get to on this subject is to, once again, forgive and save any "precautions" for next time. The next time, if you make that choice one day, there can be some changes. You will know that you are doing the best you can...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A beautiful Daughter, Noelle

I know my child was beautiful,though I never saw her face. I saw her move during sonograms and that was all I needed to fall in love.

During my pregnancy I developed an infection in my uterus. The pain was horrible but the thought of miscarrying worse. I didn't miscarry by 16 weeks and I foolishly thought all would be fine.

6 weeks later I delivered my daughter Noelle at 23 weeks gestation. She weighed 11ozs. Due to the fact that she was in the birth canal for so long, they took her away before I had a chance to hold her. That is the one thing I regret more then anything!!

I'am a single mom, no longer with my daughter's father. Being single and young(23) has made this ordeal harder than I imagined. People look at me like I couldn't have wanted her in the first place. They couldn't be more wrong. I loved my daughter from the second I found out about her and I think of her now every single day. The pain of losing a child to stillbirth is unbearable. Only someone who has gone through it can understand.

I hope my story reaches someone,and helps in any way at all. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk. You are not alone!!

This is dedicated to my angel above--

Noelle, Mommy loves you darling.

Part of a revised Entry #2: By the time I reached the frontdoor I was in full labor and the contractions were coming one right after the other. I made it back to the hospital and delivered my daughter at 6:00 that night. I never got a chance to see her. I was not in the right state of mind and I listened to the nurses who said it might not be a good idea. I will never forgive myself for that. I needed to see my baby and hold her.I deal with the pain of not having that moment with her every day.

I'm a single mom.I was dating the baby's father, and we split up during the pregnancy due to his lying. He was supportive during and after the loss but now he feels its esier just to forget the whole thing. I can't do that.

That baby girl was my life for over five months and the thought of living without her drives me crazy. I've been trying to speak with other young or single moms since only they can really know how hard this is to go through alone. I miss my daughter more then anyone knows and find it hard to talk about. A lot of people would rather I just moved on yet I don't know how or if I even want to.

Noelle Kroll
Stonybrook, Ny

Marcia's Thoughts: It is sad that you were not able to hold Noelle - but I know that she knows you love her and you will hold her forever in your heart. Most of us have shared that there were things we wish we "had done", I always remind myself and others, that we did the best we could at the time - noone ever is prepared for what happens when a baby dies. I believe that loving them then and now is what is most important. Forgiving ourselves for any perceived "wrong" often helps us to heal...our child would want us to love and to take care of ourselves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Cameron was conceived in July of 1997. It was not planned, and I was very scared since my family is very well respected in our Baptist Church. I felt very bad for letting them down. But, even through this I secretly was very excited about my growing baby.

My boyfriend and I had broken up before I found out that I was pregnant. My mother had died in December 1996 of cancer and my boyfriend was sort of a "crutch" for me, and he was very helpful. So, when I found out that I was pregnant, it made the break-up so much worse. He went to college out of state and called once in a while to check on me and the baby.

He went with me to my ultra-sound and we were excited. But, when we got the ultra-sound done, the lady was very quiet and said that she couldn't find Cameron's bladder or kidneys and there was very little fluid for him. I was concerned but Cameron's daddy said for me not to worry. My doctor came in and was very concerned and said it was very serious. The next day I was taken to Norton's hospital for a better ultra-sound. After 4 hours, they did an amnioscentesis and by then I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. The doctors talked low and were amazed. Cameron's disease was Sirenomelia and it is so uncommon and these doctors kept looking and looking at him in there.

I remember once while I was watching, I saw his full face and just cried more because it was so sweet. They tried to get me to abort him, but I said definately no. When my doctor kept pressuring me to do this, I switched to the doctor that my sister was going to (her baby was due at almost the same time as mine).

My new doctor supported me carrying Cameron even though he told me it was impossible for him to live. Cameron did not move very much and I think he was very uncomfortable. He did hic-up alot after the amnioscentesis though. I think he felt very comfortable for a while then. At 6 months, I was in a car wreck and was rushed to the hospital. Cameron was fine, but was just moving around alot. At 7 months, my doctor said his heart-beat was very irregular and I just knew that he was hurting and suffering. A week later, I asked my doctor to induce labor. I was tortured at the thought of him cramped in there and his stomach was bloated a little too. (His disease made his two legs and feet joined together by one layer of skin).

We induced labor at 7 1/2 months and his daddy was there with us and very supportive. I prayed so very hard that he would maybe live for a few minutes for me to hear him cry. I wanted to hold him no matter what he looked like.... He died almost a minute before his two tiny feet starting coming out. I was so scared and my doctor was so good about being considerate of my feelings.

Cameron was born at 12:24 in the morning on Saturday. I was very high on drugs but I have him all on video tape and I remember just rocking him. We held him in the hospital for 2 days and then buried him on Monday afternoon next to my mother.

My family was great... for 2 weeks and now they are always upset if I tell them I went to see him or when I buy a balloon for his grave. My sister had a little girl 1 week after Cameron was born and she doesn't realize how that affected me. She is a great sister, but not a very patient one.

Should I not love and miss him anymore... He is my son.. I don't understand why my family who has been so loving all of my life thinks that this is nothing... I am so lonely and miss Cameron so much that I am going insane.. Thank you for letting me get this out.

Cameron looked just like his daddy and I can't bear to see him anymore because it brings back so many memories..

I love my little sunshine and miss him very much.

Entry #2: I am looking for any videos that may be helpful dealing with my stillbirth experience. I have read lots of books and feel very helpless. I read about a video that was a story about a stillbirth (I think it was a play on video) that sounded interesting. Has anyone heard of such a thing? My son was stillborn 2-7-98 and I feel like I am going crazy because I miss him so much. I am single and grieving alone, so anything can be helpful.

For more of Jennifer's thoughts... "Oh, Mommy" and "I want to say...LET ME HURT IF I WANT AND LET ME TELL YOU I LOVE HIM."

Cameron Michael Smith
February 7, 1998
Louisville, Ky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Having you while I was single was sure to be a challenge but now that your father and I are married, it is so hard without you. Everyday I wonder what it would have been like to have you here with us. This is not the way that it should be. I am glad that you are with your little brother. Oh my darling little girl, I miss you both more than ever. There will never be any other children since I can't get pregnant ever again. All I can do is wonder WHY?

Love, Mother

Entry #2: "Through Pain and Grief"

The words death and grief are not foreign to me. I know them quite well. These words mean pain and there is no escaping it to get to the "other side"

As I was completing my first year of college my mother died of cancer. I was 18. Being the only child not married, I became the primary caretaker of my invilid father who had many infirmities as well as Alzheimer's Disease.

After many years, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. We had so much in common, especially our love for our faith and we are both musicians. We talked about marriage but I could not leave my father.

In the early Spring as the Earth was beginning to show signs of new life~ I too began to show signs of life growing within me. The pregnancy test was positive. We were going to have a baby. I know it wasn't fair to place all my happiness on that baby but I did. I expected her to be my reason for living after my father's death.

The pregnancy was moving along with no problems. On July 18th I started spotting. I called my doctor and he said for me to rest and to come to the office the next day for my regular checkup. I did. It was my father's birthday and all my family were to meet at the restaurant. I took my father. I went back to bed when we came home.

The next morning I woke up in a puddle of blood. I called my boyfriend and he took me to the doctor. He took one look at all the blood and called for an ultrasound. From the look on the nurses face I knew something was terribly wrong. She looked and looked but could not find a heartbeat. How could this be? Just a few days before we saw her sucking her thumb and moving about on that same screen, in that same room. The room was filled with joy and awe. Now the room was silent and with cries of pain and deep sorrow. The doctor wanted me to wait and let mother nature take her course. Because of the blood loss I had to be induced. The thoughts of going through labor made me even more outraged. After all, I would not have a baby to take home with me.

On July 21st, after only 4 hours, I delivered my daughter, Anne Elizabeth. She weighed almost 2 pounds and was 12 inches long. She was beautiful but so tiny. I did not get to hold her as I had to be rushed into surgery to stop the bleeding. Mike held her and one of our dear priest friends came to Baptize her. Mike gave me a locket to put Annie's picture in. I also have a small picture of her in my living room.

I fell into a deep depression. All I ever wanted in life was gone. I didn't care about the future, I wanted my baby with me now. Her death was surrounded with other losses~ My father died in May '90, my grandmother died Sept 10, '90, My aunt died Sept 20, '90. I had to have my left tube and ovary removed in Oct. '90, and my other grandmother died Nov '90. I could not take it all. I thought maybe God was punishing me for getting pregnant before I was married. The most difficult problem was that I had to go through this alone. Mike was not really much help. Only a few people knew I was pregnant. I finally went to a SHARE meeting where I met other women that could feel my pain.

I went for counseling. I could not have made it without the support of my friends and my therapist.

I learned that I had to give myself permission to grieve. I had to make the decision to move forward or stay stuck in the past. It took me a long time but I finally got myself together. Doctors, therepists and friends can only do so much. The choice to go on with life is up to us.

For more of Peggy's writings: "On Your First Anniversary", "It's Never Too Late To Remember and Recognize a Special Baby", and "Annie's Birthday Gift".
Anne Elizabeth, Stillborn
Michael Paul, miscarried
Atlanta, GA
SHARE Atlanta


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Time of Agony

It has been 11 months since I experienced my loss. At the time I was a full-time college student, and engaged to marry the man of my dreams. Although school was a priority, finding out that I was pregnant was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I knew between my third and fourth week of pregnancy, and it was verified by three home pregnancy tests.

Within the next few weeks, I found out that this man that I loved was not who I thought he was. At five weeks, he decided to tell me about a sexual relationship he had conceiled from me. This broke my heart, what would I do, I was going to have a baby with him. I decided to try and work the situation out with him, after all, I loved him.

I was between insurances, so I had not had my 12 week check up, I had however gone to the doctors to pick up the test results from my eight week check up. The same day, I was experiencing some pain in my abdomen. Later that day I noticed blood when I went to the resroom. Oh my God, I was loosing my baby. I was so scared, do I go to the hospital, am I just spoting, or is this really happening? I rushed to my mothers house, tears pouring down my face. I had pictures in my mind of my poor baby slowly loosing it's life. I went to the emergency room, feeling certain that I was loosing my baby, but at the same time hoping that maybe I was just spotting. I waited for five hours in that waiting room, mind you at a respected hospital. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted my baby to be okay. I had read a couple of books about pregnancy already, so I knew that my chances were not great.

Once I finally was taken into the examination room, I waited another hour. They needed a urine specimine, and since I was bleeding, they had to remove the urine from me. I wanted to die, and they were treating me like just another person who is loosing her baby. The ultrasound varified that my baby was dead. Not only was my baby dead, but it had dies a few weeks before. It really isn't uncommon, so I am told. Some times the baby dies, but the placenta is strong and keeps producing oregnancy hormones. This killed me. I endured a relationship, from a lying untrustworthy man, I had been extremely sick, vomiting a couple times a day, and all the while my precious child was dead.

I had to have a D&C. I felt so guilty and dirty. I heard someone ask if it was a miscarriage or "what exactly". I wanted to hurt anyone that even said the word abortion. My baby was dead and it made me feel terrible going through the surgery, I would never have even considered ending my pregnancy. For a month or so after my surgery, I still experienced morning sickness. The doctor said that that was normal, until I had my period again. Normal? It was terrible.

I left my fiance a month or so later. Due to my strong faith in God, I know that my baby is in a better place. Two months after I left him, he moved in with the woman he had lied about having a relationship with. They are now married. Due to my faith in God, I know that I am much better off without that man.

For anyone else going through this alone, grief counceling does help. With time, things do get easier. I can see a baby and not feel sick or break down crying. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The best advice I have is to rely on those who truly do love you and will simply listen.

Orlando, FL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I lost Ryan very early on in the pregnancy and I grieved long and hard, he was my second loss in one year (6 months) I am 16 years old and was 14 when it happened. This site has a lot of wonderful people on it, and I felt really alone until I found others to talk to. I am currently planning on having a baby in the near future. I welcome all people to send me an e-mail, and I will get back.

Brittany and Ryan
Second trimester loss
Burnaby, BC Canada

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Joseph, the Angel I never got to hold"

I lost my son due to a miscarriage after three months. It was heartbreaking for me because I wanted to hold this little bundle in my arms and know that he was a part of me.

I guess its silly looking back on it.....but it hurt so much. Everyone said "Its for the best' blah blah blah, but for me it wasn't. Joseph was my second loss....and neither was easy. I lost Sarah May as her father beat me repeatedly until I began to lose her. I hate him for what he did to my/our child....but I dont know how to grieve & let go of them both.

I don't know what to do. There are times when I have to cry myself to sleep at night - and I can't make love because I have this huge fear the same thing will happen again.

I have a new partner now who knows of my lost babies......but not to any of the same extent. Does anyone have any advice for me to help with this? I feel like im going crazy - I can't cope with my grief..........Can you help me?

Joseph Timothy Mountford
Auckland, New Zealand

Marcia's thoughts: You have had much trauma, pain and loss. It would seem that it will take time and work to understand and cope with all that has happened to you. You may need to look for a supportive group or counselor, in your town, that will support you around relationships as well as grief. Please, if you haven't, read about grief in my Workshops on the site... Know that others have been where you are and have survived. Perhaps your new friend can help you seek support.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Angel

Before my son was ever born I never imagined of naming him Angel, but now after everything that has passed, that name is perfect for him.

I became pregnant in May of last year. Since I had very regular cycles I found out that I was expecting the day I was expecting my period. Something told me to get a pregnancy test. Everything was fine at least that is what I thought.

When I was 15 weeks I got very bad pains on my side so I went to my doctor, and they did an ultrasound to see if it was my appendix. My appendix was fine, they told me that it was my ligaments stretching. When I was 19 weeks I went for one of my routine visits, and the doctor mentioned that his heartbeat was low. We became scared, but she told us that everything was fine, that it was all perfectly normal. Since I was 17 years old and he was my first child I believed her. She scheduled a mid-pregnancy ultrasound for two weeks later.

The day of my ultrasound which was September 28. I was very excited. I went with my fiance and my mother to the doctor. We were very eager to learn the sex of our child. The technician started - when she suddenly said your baby has problems I'll be right back. I started to cry and since my mom and my fiance had not heard her I told them what she had said, and they told me not to worry.

That is when the doctor came in. She looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry, there is not a heartbeat" I immediately started to cry, and I hugged my fiance. I felt like I ws going to die! That night they induced labor at the hospital. I was 21 1-2 weeks along.

My son was born at 4:43 a.m. on September 29. He was 8 inches long and weighed 12 ounces. I saw my son and he looked just like his daddy. That broke my heart even more. They asked me if I wanted a picture. I said no. I really regret that now.

My son mean the world to me. Even though its really hard all the time I understand that if he went back to heaven its because his mission here was accomplished. He accomplished so much here. He made me realize what the important things in life really are, and he filled my heart with the kind of mother love that you can only imagine. I feel lucky to have met my guardian angel.

Angel: My love we miss you! Me and your daddy want you to know that you mean the world to us. You have put so much happiness in our life and every single day we love you more and more. Until I see you again, Love mommy.

"All My Love" by Monica (6/12/99) and "Holidays" by Monica (4/7/99)

Angel Mendoza
Los Angeles, CA

Marcia's thoughts: I want to share with you that the hospital might have taken a picture of Angel and put it in your folder. Some of the hospitals are doing that for the very reason that you shared. Moms don't always realize how important a picture could be later. Your reaction to having a picture is very normal. Most of us can't imagine taking a picture of a little person who has died...but it is okay and we need to help folks understand this. Maybe, someday, you could write a short letter letting the hospital know how you feel might help someone else one day. Anyways, you might call and ask about a picture in your folder..I have had folks find that the hospital did indeed do this. Others have not had that fortune. Know that you did what seemed right at the time. You can do other things in memory of Angel that will give you something to hold and love.

~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My sweet baby John Matthew

I was 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I had a perfect pregnancy no problems. On April 5, 1999 I noticed a clear discharge and called my doctor thinking I had a yeast infection or something. The girl that answered the phone told me discharge is normal and drink alott for fluids and stay off my feet.

The next morning I woke up to find even more discharge with a slight hint of pink blood. I went directly to the doctors office. Sitting there I felt crampy possible contractions. The doctor did an exam and said I had an incompetant cervix, and he could see the baby for his exam. I had lost my mucos plug. He put me in the hospital and I sat there inverted the rest of the day. But he did not give me medication to stop my contractions. The evening came and I started bleeding and getting very crampy.

The Doctor finally came to see me after seeing all his patients at 6:00PM. After an exam he said the baby was in my vagina and we had to break my water and deliver the baby. I wanted the baby to be ok so I did every thing he said. He broke my water and I began to push. The baby was not in my vagina like the Doctor said and the baby was transverse. The Doctor said "In order to save the Baby we had to do a C-section".

At 6:15PM I had a 1lb 4oz 14in long baby boy by C-section. I was not consious untill late night but my boyfriend got to come in just seconds after delivery. They told him sorry and your baby was dying. They showed him the baby sitting all alone no moniters or tubes just in a receiving table with my little baby bundled tightly in a blanket. The Doctor decided the baby was not "feasible and could be retarded or major problems" so they did not help my baby. He lived unassisted for 2 hours.

We buried my baby a few days later. I never felt so alone or sad in my entire life.

I was to be married on April 25, 1999. I had a big wedding planned and lots of out of town guest. We cancaled the wedding due to our loss. My boyfriend does not come home till very later every night trying to excape his pain and turned into a workaholic. I feel I lost my life and my future. I feel the Doctors could have done more and did not. I don't know where to turn if anyone can help me please e-mail me.

John Matthew
Died soon after birth/incompetent cervix
Hollywood, FL

Marcia's thoughts: You have been through much loss over the last month...your dreams and future(secondary losses) have been loss as well as your child. Your boyfriend's reactions are very are yours. I hope you will take time to read our "Workshops" about Grief and Healing as well as some of the ones about "Self-Help Ideas". They will help you to know that you are feeling normal feelings and that there might be some things you can do to feel a little stronger. Please email some of the other moms on this page...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Entry #1

Gage Alexander

Hi my name is Heather and I lost my baby boy through a miscarriage when I was barely 4 months pregnant with him. I have been looking for a support group to go to in my area and I am having trouble finding any. I used to go to one (HOPE--HELPING OTHER PARENTS ENDURE) but I am looking for a change. (I hope nobody from the group reads this) I really didn't feel comfortable at this group when I would share my feelings and NEED to find another one.

I am still having a hard time dealing with my son's death even after almost 2 years. (it will be 2 years on July 13, 1999) If anyone knows where I can find out about support groups in Omaha, Nebraska, or if anyone knows OF a support group I would really really really apprieciate the info!! Or if anyone just wants to talk I'm hear and I'm a great listener!

Entry #2: Saying Goodbye...Before Hello

I lost my baby when very early in my 4th month of pregnancy. This was to be my first child, and although he wasn't planned I wanted him very much. My pregnancy went well for the first 6 weeks or so...then the spotting started...then it got worse. The Dr. said as long as no cramping was involved everything should be okay. When I went in to listen to the heartbeat they couldn't find one. I had an internal ultrasound and the Dr. told me that my precious child had stopped growing at around 8-10 weeks. I thought I was lucky that I had no breast tenderness, or morning sickness. I wasn't tired at all. I basicaly didn't have any signs that I was pregnant. I come to find out later that it was a sign that something was wrong. (I had some original breast tenderness very early even before I knew I was pregnant. But it went away.) I had no idea I was supposed to watch out for losing the signs of pregnancy. I was only 18, and had no idea what to look for, except morning sickness.!

Even then the Dr. told me that not everyone had morning sickness.I felt so guilty! For a long time I thought if I had known all of this I could have prevented losing my child.

The Dr. told me to come back for another ultrasound a week later just to make sure she hadn't messed up on my due date. But I knew my baby was dead. Before I made it to my next ultrasound I woke up with cramps and more bleeding. I was still hoping maybe everything would be okay...deep down I knew it wasn't. I miscarried my baby on July 13, 1997.

I never knew if I was having a boy or a girl, but I "felt" I was having a boy since I got the positive pregnancy test. I named my son Gage Alexander. The nurses at the hospital wouldn't let me see or hold my baby. They told me it would be best if I didn't. I asked them why as best I could (they had given me morphine for the pain so I was a bit groggy) they said that he was malformed and it wasn't a pretty sight. I was too tired and in too much pain to argue. I wish to this day I would have!!! I don't have any pictures of him. I never even got to bury him! My family and friends thought a funeral was pointless when I couldn't bury anything!

I had to have a D&C and I think that was the worst experience of my life. I am so glad I was asleep for the whole thing, but when I woke up I felt so "empty." For Four months I knew I had a baby growing inside me...and to wake up and know he's not there anymore almost killed me!

Only 5 hrs after I arrived to the hospital they sent me home. Five hours!! The nurses were all pretty cold to me about the whole thing. Only 1 seemed to care and sympathize. She asked me if I wanted to talk...which I didn't. She gave me some info. about miscarriage's and a support group I could go to. I was pretty rude to her. I later wrote her an apology letter, seeing that she was the only nice one there. My roomate and I finally go home and my mom called. Only 6 hrs earlier I had lost my child and here she was telling me that it was for the best. I was too young. The baby wouldn't have a father (he left as soon as I told him I was pregnant) anyway. She then told me that I could move back home. The day before I had just moved into my new apartment. My mother told me I had 1 month to move out of "her" house when I told her I was pregnant. Now here she was telling me I could move back home. I couldn't believe it!

At the time I was working at a Day care and I couldn't imagine going back to work. I worked with infants. So my friend called and told my boss about what happened and asked if I could have a couple of weeks off. My boss told my friend if I didn't come in the next day I was fired. I couldn't afford to lose my job. So I went in the next day. I stayed for 2 hrs and walked out bawling. I couldn't work around all of those babies.

So here I am today almost 2 years later and I still cry everyday. I want to have a memorial service for him, but my friends all think it's a bad idea. I want to at least get a headstone for him. I am saving my money for both. One day I will do these things and then maybe I will be okay.

I am looking for a support group to go to in my area(Omaha, Ne) but haven't had much luck. I went to the one the nurse suggested but it didn't work out too well. I didn't feel comfortable there. I am also looking for people to talk to. I need to get my feelings out in the open...since none of my friends will talk to me. And my mother pretends like it never happened. Help!

Gage Alexander's Mom
July 13, 1997-July 13, 1997
Omaha, Ne

Marcia's thoughts: I am touched by your story. I now better understand your thoughts around your grief. You have been through much loss and confusion during the last two years. I included this story with your other thoughts and then I also included both under Sharing Stories, Single Moms. I thought maybe you might find some comfort and support from some of these moms. I think many of them are so very nice...I have emailed many of them several times. Being single can cause people to say and do some unkind reactions. I wish folks would understand that when you lose a baby, it hurts. Your grief is very real and often moms lose their baby's father(he often leaves) and other folks dismiss everything. There are many losses and much confusion.

Please consider doing some things in memory of your baby. Noone has to approve or even know what you decide to do. My Self-Help Workshops offer many ideas for keepsakes and other plans. You might do a simple service(plant a tree or a plant in a planter, say a prayer, take a walk in the woods and bury a slip of paper with Gage's name under a beautiful tree, etc.) in your child's memory...with a friend who might be supportive or by yourself. Our local group has bricks, for $20. that you can buy and engrave with your baby's name(see brick pathway). Buying a doll or some special memento in memory of your baby is very appropriate.

I am sorry the hospital would not let you see your child. Sometimes there is no option...I couldn't see the first two babies I lost. It may have been the D&C and not the baby that caused them to not give you this option(which is not uncommon). I envision my two in heaven looking just like beautiful babies...because I believe they are. What you hold in your heart is what is important at this point.

As to knowing that something was wrong..this is very hard. Especially in an early loss. We have moms who have lost babies after they have had living babies and they did not know there was a problem. So, try to forgive yourself for any preceived error...we all do the best we can. Forgiving ourselves is a major step toward healing.

Know you can have learned much and maybe someday you can help someone else in a similar place (or even someone from the site!). I am sure Gage knows your love for him and appreciates your concern for him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My thoughts...

Two weeks ago I had a D&C because my babies heart stopped after 8 weeks. I'v been blessed to have some extremely supportive friends who have and are giving me time to heal and grieve. I was reading an article in the May,98 Essence (I've kept this issue for another article I was interested in). Your website was sited. So I'm writing because I thought that because my pregnancy was only 8 wks I didn't think that I was supposed to grieve, but the mid-wife at my doctors office, my good friends all remind me to give myself time to greive. I thought that I was so strong that I was going to be alright sooner than now. But, I still cry sometimes for apparently no reason.

Also I am 42, not married but was ready for a child. Well the father and I are no longer together (he is 10yrs older and decided he did not want any more children). I will get over us no longer being in a relationship, but I do miss not having a baby at this time.

I am so happy to see this site. It has helped me. To understand that it's ok for me to grieve also. I thank you for this site.

Also I would like to know if there are any support groups that I can attend in Atlanta. I feel that I babbled through this, so please forgive me. I'm continuing to heal. I am going to see my mother this weekend at a family reunion for this first time through all of this. And I will probably cry when I first see her. Which will be therapeutic for me. She is a nurse and understands totally and has been supportive. Well I don't have any real words of wisdom for anyone at this time but I will visit your site again. I'm still making entries in my journal. I will have more to share that makes sense then. Once again thank you for this opportunity.

Atlanta, ga

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My Loss

I was 16 years old in high school and found out I was pregnant. On Thanksgivng I broke the news to my mother, she was angry but supportive.

I made a dr. appt. everything was fine I was 2 months. I told my family and my dad who pushed for me to have an abortion but this thing in my belly was more than just a thing I loved this baby.

I went for my 3 month appt the doctor gave me an ultra sound he told me the baby had no heart beat, no movement. I was crushed my eyes swelled up w/ tears he gave me options a d&c to go for an other opinon or to wait and miscarry. I went for another opinon and the same was told to me on January 25.

I miscarried it was the worst feeling I have ever had. After the hospital even and now no one talks about it. They all say it was for the best since I was too young.

I still hurt like every one else. Just because I was only 16 doesn't mean I don't feel the same pain as a 34 year old. I loved that baby just as any mother loves there child.

Baby Morin
New Bedford, MA

Marcia's thoughts: No matter how old we are or under what circumstances you lost your baby, most moms grieve the loss of their baby. Your feelings are very normal. I have had several teens in my group as well as on the site and they share similar thoughts and stories.

Please consider lighting a candle for your baby and perhaps include an entry for Baby Morin in our Memorial Garden.

Please be gentle with yourself as you continue to heal. Your baby would want you to heal and to take something precious from his/her presence in your life. Finding peace around all that has happened to you is important. For me, it meant reaching down deep inside me and doing something that was important to me and others. I have gone on and tried to do what I could do my best in - in memory of my babies. You sound like a very special young lady who has much to offer in this world.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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