SHARE Atlanta

"James Howard Johnson"
Now my baby will always be close to my heart.
Always...
Doreen

On February 10, 1997, I found out I was pregnant after so many years of dissapointment.

Seeing other peoples children, never holding my own. My goal in life was to find the perfect man to settle down with and start a family. I found that in Wendel.

So after many years of trying, our dreams were finaly coming true.

I was ready to give up all together when it finally happened on Feb. 10, 1997.

Just to be sure we tested again on Valetines Day - IT WAS POSITIVE!

That was the happiest day in our lives. No baby could have been more wanted or hoped for.

Special memories

I remember staring at myself in the mirror and imagining how much bigger I was going to get. Our due date was 9-21-97. A date forever eched in my heart.

Tragedy strikes

Five day later I began to spot, pink at first, then much heavier. I went to the ER. Blood was taken, and I was examed and told: "You're having a threaten m/c go home on bedrest and see your doctor in a week."

Afraid and confused we went home.

I eventualy went to a relative's home, but I knew we were doomed. I had begun to bleed quite heavily by now; no bed rest could help.

The day I saw my doctor, she sent me for a u/s.

After what seemed like an eternity, they found my little one. He had stopped growing at 5 weeks. No heartbeat could be found. I spoke with my doctor and she set the date 2-27-97.

I went into the hospital as an expectant mom only to come out with no baby,

... only memories of what it felt like to be mom-to-be. September has come and gone leaving in its wake another February - that holds only dreams and shadows of yesterday.

Even though I had you for ten short weeks, I knew in my heart you were a boy, so I named you after your grandpa and uncle.

Time Passes...dreams are revisited

I realized something today as I sat at my computer, if you had lived you would be 5 months old now. I can picture you with 4 little teeth, 2 at the top 2 on the bottom, just grinning away. You'd have a turf of hair on top of your head with very little on the sides and in the back. You'd be tiny, barely twenty pounds, but your all boy and very beautiful and handsome. But this is only a dream - fate made it this way.

Yes thank you, I thank you for your board as a way of expressing all of what I feel deep inside of my heart.

Even though no one else will remember him he will always be the child of my heart, my hope, and all of my dreams. His spirit came for a short time to give my sadden heart hope. Even for that short time I will carry the memory with me always. Sincerely, Doreen J. and Wendel S.

Thank you so much for this page it has helped me to deal with a lot of pent up anger and sorrow.

I now can begin the slow healing process. I know now I am not alone in my grief. In memory of my son I wanted to get a charm in the shape of a child, but my dillema is should I get one for the month I lost him or his actual due date - any suggestions would help.

Marcia's reply -

Thank YOU for the kind comments. To help others, help themselves is why I started this page.

Healing does take time and letting go of pent up anger and sorrow is usually the very first step toward healing.

Grief does make us feel so alone. When we begin to realize that our feelings are normal and shared by others, we can begin to use the energy that has gone into "pretending all is fine" into healing.

For mememtos - What you feel in your heart is what you should do.

From sharing in our groups over the last 13 years, I have seen many choose the month that their baby actually was born as opposed to the "due date." This date is when their baby was actually last "with them."

I have little bells with September and May on them for my two miscarried babies.

Those are the months that they were last with me in a physical sense. I remember Dec. and April - these would have been their birth dates - maybe - but actual "due dates" often are never met no matter what!!! For example, I was "due" on March 13 and I was born on January 15!! Surprise!! So my Due date never meant too much.

Due dates become a place, for those of us who have losses, of "what if's." (If my pregnancy had not ended, I might have a baby now...)

Thanks, Marcia, I am planning to get the stone that represents Feb. (The date Jamie was born.)

Hi, Marcia, I decided to buy the boy shaped charm for Feb.

Now my baby will always be close to my heart. Always...Doreen

Marcia's reply- Thank you for sharing your baby's treasure with me. I have seen the little charms(or a charm like the one I think you are speaking of...), and think they are very special.

Being able to hold such a sweet treasure so close helps to ease our pain.

Last Wed. at our meeting several, no most, of our moms had different mementos to show and share. I so appreciate their thought filled descriptions about how they decide on "what is special for them in memory of their baby."

I know that the decision to make such a memory does not come easily. So many of us are made to feel as though we shouldn't have these sweet mementos. I DO know that each of them means sooo much to the parent.

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