Entry #2

Dear Marcia; Thank you for your response, I have found my dedication on the new page. It is so good to talk to people who understand how we feel. I was given the information on you page from my dear friend Karen Ritchey who lost her son Kyle. Karen and her family were wonderful on my road to recovery.

I lost my babies due to a congenital defect, I was born with a divisional septum in my uterus. It was a blessing to discover the "reason" for our losses, but as a mother I still feel I am to blame. The severity of the septum wasn't discovered until after Becca. Thanks to Dr. Glenn Benoit in Kelowna and Dr. Saunders in Vancouver I have had corrective surgery. Thank You again, it's so good to "talk" to you,

You came and only stayed such a short time. I'll never know why it had to be this way. I wanted you so badly, and loved you more than I ever thought I could love.

You are my greatest achievment and my greatest grief. I don't know what happened. But I wish I could change back the hand of time to have you back inside me again. I miss you so much.

I want to hold you so badly once again in my arms. At 41 there be no others, so that I may pass on the legacy of your memory, but I promise you'll live on as long as I have a breath in me.

Family and friends forget so quickly. Just know I never will. I'll long for you the rest of my days.

Our youngest,Tim, was just 7 months old when I suspected that I was pregnant again. On July 17,1997 I found out for sure. I had bought a test and it turned blue IMMEDIATELY. No questions there.

I wasn't going to tell my husband until we walked in the hospital to give birth! He had said that Tim was the last one, he had worn us both out. Tim had had HEART surgery when he was just 4 weeks old and that had been so stressful for us. We thought that we had been to hell and back when we went through that, little did we know.

A baby! I couldn't believe we were going to do it again and so soon. I was secretly excited. When my husband found out he was stunned. He was quiet for two days, but then he got adjusted to the idea and was pleased. It made a nice round number. 4 kids wow! The boys were so excited.

This one was a miracle baby...

We had had to take a fertility drug to get pregnant with all the others and he was our "natural" baby. God was in this somehow he wanted us to get pregnant, we figured for some reason. We didn't know what or why but we were glad.

I thought of all the great things this would mean. I loved the thought that Tim and the baby would only be 15 months apart. I knew it would be hard but I also new they would be best of buddies. When we found out that it was going to be our fourth boy I wasn't in the least disappointed. I had all the boy "things" down after all, I knew how to handle boys. We were thrilled.

As time passed I was getting tired. Timmy was very sick for a long time and didn't sleep very well. I was up all the time, I think I might have had two to three hours at a time of sleep. My husband tried to help but Timmy was a one woman kinda kid. He had finally around January began to sleep longer periods of time. Life was getting good.

Just a few more weeks and I get to start the sleepless nights again, but oh boy was it going to be worth it.

On Tuesday the 10th I had a doctor's appointment. They had started doing the stress test on the baby the week before and I was due for one that day but Tim was very ill, he had been running 105 degree temperature for several days and I couldn't stay for the test...you know how doctor's are he was already an hour late and the test was going to take 30 minutes. The doctor said that it was no problem that I could come back later in the week and have the test done. The last one had looked good.

Tim's fever broke on Wednesday and he was feeling alot better. I had decided to go for the test on Friday. Life was getting back on track.

Then Thursday came. The worst day of my life. We had finally gotten some sleep, so the day was bright and cheerful.

I hadn't felt the baby move even though I kept trying all the things to try to get him to. I finally sat down around 11:00 am and tried really hard to get him to move. Nothing. He had felt so heavy all morning. I guess in my heart I knew he was gone but I didn't panic.

I called my husband at work and told him that the doctor said come in. He came right home to get me. The trip to the doctor's office seemed to take a lifetime, but we finally got there.

The nurse took us to the room and tried to get a heartbeat, but she said I want to hook you up to an ultrasound because I know this is scaring you.

They did and within minutes, hours days I don't know, the world had stopped, the doctor said those awful gut wrenching words. I don't see a heartbeat.

This couldn't be happening to us could it? We were blessed with this little fellow, he was our miracle baby! This couldn't be true.

But the doctor was in tears, the nurse was holding me. The loud keening noises, that I realized were coming from me, sounded in that little room.

But it had happened and nothing was going to change. My little one had left me. His spirit had gone and with it mine had gone too. I no longer wanted to live.

The hospital was close to the doctor's office. While I waited for my husband at the entrance to the hospital, a mom came out carrying a new baby. She was going home with a squirmy warm bundle to cuddle and love. My agony was extreme, when I left this hospital I would be leaving it alone. Empty arms. All alone.

It has been a little over 4 months since we lost Spencer, but that day is still so very clear to me.

I relive it in my dreams, and the sleepless nights that still haunt me. I grieve deeply, I am not always in the gut wrenching soul twisting grief that I was the in the first few weeks but it still can bring me to my knees with the pain of losing him

I still wake in the morning feeling like like these past months are unreal, but the empty bassinet shows me different. My precious one is in heaven and is being rocked and cared for by Sarah, my friends 17 year old daughter.

I miss him with all my heart, but that won't bring him home. I will shed my tears and hold on to the knowledge that I will hold him again one day. I love you, Spence, watch over your brothers for me.

Angelica was due to be born on January 22, 1995.

Five days before she was to be born she died. I was lying in bed after having the almost perfect pregnancy, other that morning/noon/night sickness, I felt her sort of jump once. I knew right then that she was gone. I can't decribe how I knew I just did.

I told my husband the next morning only that she wouldn't move. My nine year old would wake Angelica up every morning before school. I only told her that she wouldn't wake up.

I had a doctor's appt that day. Upon entering his office I told him my baby was gone.

He didn't believe me. He put both stethoscopes on himself and me. He removed mine right away. He then did a sonogram and found no heartbeat and sent me to the hospital for a more thorough sonogram, where the results were the same. This was Thursday, I was sent home and told to go to the hospital on Sunday to be induced.

It was the longest time of my life. I hated my body and myself. He had given my valium, but I had other children to deal with. They were older 10, 18, 20, but the were still my children.

After a long hard, more emotional that physical labor, I had a perfect baby girl 8lb2oz. The doctor found a true knot in the cord.

After she was born, my husband and my mother along with myself spent time holding our precious baby girl. It was the worst time of my life.

To this day, not a day goes by that I don't think of her and mourn her loss. Since that time we have had another beautiful daughter, 19 months after Angelica, her name is Faith. The pregnancy was rough emotionally I had a hard time forming a bond with the baby growing inside, afraid to lose again.

Throughout my pregnancy with Angelica, I had premonitions of coming home empty handed. I thought it was my age. I was 39. Did anyone else have these thoughts?

I guess God was trying to prepare me.

The name Angelica was actually thought of in my sixth month. We were watching Rugrats and my husband said I like that name. My response was I always wanted a daugther that I could call Angel. I would love to hear from other people who have had this happen.

I feel the need to talk about it and most people don't want to. They treat it as if it were a miscarriage. They can't understand that she was a very big part of our lives and always will be.

I have thought alot about our Sean lately. Maybe because his brother, Brenden, is growing so fast and I wonder what Sean would have become.

It's not the same wondering or longing it was three years ago. So much has changed since then. I function normally, smile, laugh, hope, dream, all the things I lost when I lost Sean. I can even look at pregnant women and not have terrible feelings of envy or hatred.

In talking with some internet friends who have endured recent losses I began to reflect on the journey of grief.

I know that there are stages of grief through which we all pass. Sometimes we even repeat some of the phases of grief. But I've come to realize that grief never really completely ends. It is taken on as a part of who we are. When a loved one first dies we are overwhelmed with emptiness. Grief leaves us feeling weak. But as time passes the strength returns. I have regained my strength, but it is forever changed.

When I look at children or babies I don't just think of all the happy times with Brenden. I am reminded of our Sean.

Our grief is what keeps us connected to him. Because we miss him and long to have him as a living part of our family, the grief remains. It does not take on the same outward appearance as those who suffer new losses, but it remains the same inside, devestating.

When people talk to me about their families I hesitate to say "we have a two year old at home and a three year old in heaven" even though I feel it's what I should say.

Society puts such a stigma on death and grieving. You're not supposed to talk about it, particularly if the loss is a child. You are expected to pretend it does not exist when in public and keep grief for private times. But when we have healthy children the world welcomes them with open arms and celebrates their life and existence.

If we are to dream of a life filled with blessing and wonderful memories before a baby is born, shouldn't it take a life time to grieve the same loss? So, I embrace the grief in my life. It is the link to my son. I will not let it go because when I let it go it means that I give up Sean as well. I will miss him every day of my life, therefore I will grieve him equally as long.

I was seven months pregnant with my second baby girl, we were very excited we had every thing ready for her. Her bassinet was open, her clothes were in the closet and her diper bag was packed. I remember going back to see her things at least once a day, every day.

I would wonder how she would look like.

We had so many dreams for our daughters, they would be 19 months apart. Allondra, our first born couldn't really understand why my tummy kept growing so fast. I would place her hand on my stomach and tell her that there was a baby inside and she would laugh and say that she had a baby on her tummy, too. I'm sure that my baby, Zulemita, knew that she was very much loved, because every time I would talk to her she would move.

My pregnancy had some complications, but over all was a very healthy one. A day before she died I went for doctor appointment and we heard her heart, it was as heathy as she could be.

The next day at 8:45 in the morning we had a horrible car accident. In that accident we lost Zulemita instantly. We also lost our future as proud parents of two beautiful girls, and part of our hearts, because we would always be longing for our baby Zulema.

We can have more babies, but we would always be missing one. She can't be replaced.

We have the hope that one day when we finally die, we will be reunited with her in heaven where she is right now.

Last March 98 I found out I was pregnant after delivering a baby girl on 28 Jan 98. I was only 21 weeks pregnant. The cause was an allergic reaction to the cord they used to sew my cervix closed. Then in the same note I ended up having a placental abruption and went into labor and had my daughter Mikeala Isabelle. She lived for 15 min.

I was just horrified about having another. On April 11 1998 I found out I was pregnant again. My due date was 25 Dec 98.

My pregnancy started out slow, I went to the best doctors and at first they said it was hormones left from my daughter. Then the ultrasound showed I was pregnant.

At 14 weeks the doctors thought that the bottom half of the baby's brain was missing and ran futher tests. I found out later it was a reflection of of the renal system. My pregnancy went on. I was placed on bedrest and I had ultrasounds to check my cervix since I declined the surgery ( cerclauge).

My pregnancy went on to end in a beautiful Baby BOY born on Christmas Day!!! Healthy. My cevix was fine and he is fine. The good lord made him special enough to share his birthday with his son.

Now I have time to grieve about my daughter. I miss the fact I can't braid her hair, or teach her how to cook. I had the pleasure of knowing her, holding her and being able to let her know when she died that mommie loved / loves her very much.

My 3 yr old askes where she is, I have to say with Jesus. I know that my little guy will know of her too. I still cry, especially when I hold my baby and see just a little bit of her in him.

Please let everyone who has children to love them like there is no tomorrow, because you just don't know. There may not be!

God Bless to all. And Good Luck

I wrote this poem for my little Angel, Andrew, 3 months after I lost him.

He was born stillborn due to a cord accident, his cord was wound several times and almost completely severed in one area. No explantion could be given.

My husband an I are now trying to have another baby, a brother or sister to Andrew. Not one minute of one day goes by that I do not think of Andrew.

I am currently putting together a scrapbook for my son of poems, sayings, his footprints, hospital band etc. so that no one will ever forget that he is my first born child and will always be loved forever.

I must thank Share Atlanta for this wonderful website. I have spent hours reading everyone's stories, and responded to a few of them. I feel very lucky to have found this because it has helped me keep my sanity quite a few times. Thank You, Cheryl

I carried Chandler for 38wks with no complications, and even now we still have no answers. Only some pictures of him and some footprints of some very beautiful tiny feet.

He's our somebody special, born for a special reason, we dare not ask why. We just except his short time with us, and will love him always.

For others... I'd like to share this poem......