Miscarriage - Simone writes of her loss of control, security and innocence - all secondary losses that increase our pain and confusion!

I miscarried my baby at 12 weeks.

For one week leading up to my loss, I bled and doctors told me I was having a threatened micarriage and that there was little I could do but take it easy.

I am a fairly strong woman mentally, but the torment of having no control of my own body will be something I will never forget. I had never experienced such a loss before, and it took me many months to come to terms with it.

My baby was very much wanted. It didn't seen fair that while my friends were having children, I would be denied what I had thought was a natural gift.

For many woman it is just that. For others, such as myself, it may not come so easily. But I believe my time will come again, and when it does I will cherish every moment..

Our role of parent-to-be is taken from us and our future becomes uncertain. All of these are secondary losses and part of the grieving process. After a loss, our paths change, we change, we will not be the person we were. Some aspects of who we are will be different.

As we move down the path, we can choose some of our new directions. These changes are why we need to give ourselves time to heal. We all change as we mature, loss and grief push us along this path a little faster...We can survive this! With time and a clear effort.

I found out I was pregnant (about 4 weeks) and two days later began to lose it. I knew when I first started spotting that it was over although I didn't actually lose it for another 4 days.

In less than a week, I went from complete bliss to absolute misery. I can't believe that it happened to me. It has only been two weeks now since I miscarried but it hurts like it was yesterday.

I know everyone tells me that it is for the best but I can't get past the idea that I was being punished or that life did not want me to have my dreams come true.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months and were so happy. Now I am left rebuilding my soul. Right now my soul feels dead. I can't help feeling that no matter what I do or how I grow from this experience, I can never get back the same thrill, excitement, dream, and ideal that came with the 1st pregnancy.

And if I do get pregnant again, I am so scared of experiencing this again. I am not sure I can take this kind of pain a second time.

I have such a difficult time moving on right now. I try to go back to work and deal with this while pretending to be my old self. It is impossible to do.

If I experience this a second time, how can I survive? And it scares me to know I think this way because I have always thought I was a survivor. Intellectually I know that this pregnancy was nothing more than an embryo and tissue. Emotionally, this was my child. For the rest of my life, I will have a child that never was.

Your life was very short, no more than 10 weeks, but I felt I had known you a lifetime. I can't seem to forget the words the nurse used to tell me I was carrying you, nor can I forget the days events when I lost you.

We were blessed. Someone smiled down on us and sent us an angel, but just as fast as plans were being made, you were gone.

I still don't understand why. How could we be given a miracle after so many years and then have it taken away? How sure I felt you were safe, thinking I could shield you from any harm.

How little I knew...forces more powerful than I had determined it was your time, how short it was. Sometimes I sit and daydream of what could have been. I looked so forward to seeing your father hold you for the first time, of watching you grow and giving you all the love you deserved--of being part of our life. As fast as these dreams were thought of, that's how fast you were gone.

Everyone says "these things happen for a reason", but as hard as I search I can't seem to figure it out. Why were you sent for such a short time? Why must we experience this pain, this emptiness?

Life is not fair, I wanted you so badly and it hurts so much to know that I can no longer have you. I know that my life will never be the same. There is a void now where there was once a miracle in the making.

I try hard to face each new day thanking God for the blessings I do have, but it is not easy. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and will for the rest of my life.

If there is any good in what has occurred, I know that I now have a special little angel in heaven who is smiling down on us with lots of love in his/her eyes - a star that shines brightly in the heavens above and I hope you know how much we miss you and love you.....and always will.......

Just a week ago we were reassured that you were fine, we saw your precious little heart beating while you danced inside my womb. We were so excited for you, your daddy had told the whole neighborhood about you. Your older brother kissed my tummy and hugged you every chance he got. He was so excited to be your big brother.

I am so sorry that my body wouldn't hold you, my heart still does and it is breaking knowing that my arms will never hold you, I will never feel your soft skin or see you smile. I know that Jesus holds you in a place where you will never hurt or cry.

Please know that your family here misses you and loves you. We await the day were we can all be together, we will never ever forget your brief but precious presences in our lives! You were truly wanted and loved.

I wanted so much to be the best mommy for you and to give you all the things that a little girl needs and deserves in life. I bought you a little pillow that winds up and plays a lullabye. I bought it to give you comfort for all those long nights I'm sure we would have. Now, instead of your precious little self finding comfort from it, I sleep it with it and dream of you.

From the moment you came alive in me I have loved you. That love will never go away! You are the only person I have ever loved completely and you are gone.

But I know that one day I will reunited with you up in Heaven. So until then, I send you my love and prayers everynight and I feel your wonderful presence when ever I close my eyes. Mommy loves you and misses you! Bye, my beautiful Shelbie Jo!