Share Home Page. (Grief pregnancy loss miscarriage stillbirth neonatal loss) *Anniversary *Due Date *Holiday

Share LogoSHARE Atlanta

"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts
Along this Path

Due Dates...Why so hard? Parent's Thoughts...


*Due Date...

"Due Date"
by Lisa Byrne

Today it is your birthday, a day so full of fun,
A day that we should celebrate, the day that you turned one,
The cards won't arrive, the presents won't come
As no-one recalls, that our baby has turned one.

Why the "due date" is so difficult...by Marcia McGinnis

Today, because of medical advances, more of our babies are being born between the 22 and 27th week and living for a short while. Because of medical advances, more babies are surviving this early birth, but we still have many parents who must survive the Due Date after their baby has died at anytime before a full term birth (through miscarriage, midterm loss, third term loss).

Everyone who has had a loss before the due date approaches this time of their grief with a new intensity of pain. Here are some thoughts to help those parents realize that their feelings and reactions are normal and how to cope with them.

Normal Feelings and Reactions...

  • For many parents whose baby died before the "due date", the actual date becomes very difficult. For most parents there is a period of time between the loss and this date that they feel "I wouldn't have a child now anyway, I can 'handle' this".

  • As the date draws near, the parent realizes, if all had gone well, there would be a living baby. Therefore, the reality of the situation becomes very painful to deal with. This is especially true as the parents witness friends, family or even strangers who do have a new baby.

  • Their failure to have their child, now that the due date is coming, is very intense. Often their pain feels almost like the initial grieving period.

    This mother expresses this pain as near panic...much like when we learn our baby is to die or has died. This is a very common reaction.

    "My baby was to be due this weekend. I knew that this would be a hard week for us, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I kept thinking that I could handle it and I was wrong. I truly feel as if I am dying. My body hurts, my throat hurts, I am physically sick to my stomach, and I feel like I can't get a good breath. I feel like I am right back in the doctor's office when they told me we had lost her."

    "I can't believe how much I miss her! I have cried every morning this week on the way to work. I have prayed to God for the strength to get through this and I don't think I'll get it. We have planned to go to the beach this weekend to ease our pain, but I just think we will be miserable. I don't think I will ever be able to move on right now. How do I even begin to make this tragedy a part of our lives without letting it destroy our faith and spirit?"

    Recognize this pain as real and normal for after a loss...

    We encourage our parents to recognize the reality of the intense pain and try to do something for themselves in memory of their baby. Many suggestions are made under "Coping Ideas".

    Here is the response to how this mother and dad finally handled the weekend of the due date:

    Somehow, I have survived. I feel more comfortable now that the date has passed. I am not anticipating it anymore. You were right, the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day. We went to Chattanooga and had a wonderful dinner and talked about her at dinner. We spent the night in a nice hotel and went to the aquarium on Saturday. Not what I expected, but nice nonetheless.

    Marcia's thoughts: Prayers were answered as you and your husband shared memories of your daughter while making new memories together. It is how we cope. Moving on with our lives in small steps...while not forgetting...but in a loving way hanging on (to each other and to the memories of your child and to life's process) and slowly realizing that we will survive.

    A change of routine and making "new memories" is often very healing...

    Going away from the home is often a very good idea...even if it feels hard to do. Putting other memories in our hearts helps us keep moving through our pain. As we do these kinds of activities, we begin to make our baby and his/her memories part of our life - with our new memories. Our baby would want us to grieve them and to work to heal. Living children offer support for parents and want them to be happy. I believe our babies would want this also. They would want their presence in our lives to become meaningful in their honor.

    The actual day, as with anniversaries and holidays sometimes is not as difficult as the days prior to it. Having a 'plan' that can be altered that day is often very helpful for making it through the day. We talk about how hard these type of days are. The first ones are the hardest and we can survive them if we will realize that there intensity is normal and that others have lived through these days. Your crazy and scary feelings are normal - part of the entire process.

    Coping helps healing to happen...

    Learning ways to cope...just to make it through the day, is important and "doable" with effort and love. We should take the love we have for our babies and gradually give it to ourselves so we can heal. Marcia McGinnis





    Cindy's entire Poem to Tobias on his Due Date...

    To Tobias on your due date
    Tomorrow is such an important day
    We'll try to mark it in a special way
    For us to pass through yet another stage
    To be born tomorrow you'd have been of age.

    Tobias my son, I miss you so much
    Oh what I'd give to feel your touch
    Sometimes I still think I feel you kick
    My heart feels torn, much more than a nick

    My friends are praying that I'll get through
    This day I had so looked forward to
    My thoughts are scattered, I'm jumbled inside
    My emotions are welling like an incoming tide.

    Cailin would have liked to have had a brother
    She's rough and tumbly, yet likes to mother
    She does not understand why we are so sad
    Your mommy and daddy - Cindy and Brad

    One day we will tell her about you Tobias
    And how your short life has affected us
    We'll tell her how loved and cared for you were
    And try to explain why you're not here with her

    For now we will share, we will dream and we'll cry
    We'll take care of each other, Brad and I
    We'll look at your pictures and wish what might have been
    And in heaven we'll hold you one day again.

    Love,
    Mommy
    Cindy F. 4/2/96
    SHARE Atlanta



    Visitors comments, questions and poems about coping with "due dates."

    A question by an internet friend...

    "Due Date" by Lisa (7/24/98)

    "A letter to Jacob G." by his mommy, Jennifer (11/7/98)

    "In loving memory of Jamie Hurrell 16 September 1998" by Maria (5/12/99)

    "My angel, Sabrina Suzanne..." by Pat (2/17/99)

    "In Loving Memory of Bernice on your Due Date" by Jennie (7/20/99)

    "Anya Juliet or Daniel Christopher Libby" by Melissa 3/20/00

    "To the holder of all my dreams" by Jenna (3/26/00)

    "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/30/01)

    "Laney, ...Oct. was a very good month to have a birthday" by Traci (6/30/01)

    "WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?" by Ashiya (6/10/02)

    Due Date is close and I am having anxiety and panic reactions....is this normal? (9/9/04)

    "Remembering Joshua and Jordan" by Nikecia (10/04)

    "What can I do?" by Crystal 3.20.07

    "Planting a tree for Juliet on her due date..." by Jen Davis April 2007

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`








    "Due Date"
    by Lisa Byrne

    Today it is your birthday, a day so full of fun,
    A day that we should celebrate, the day that you turned one,
    The cards won't arrive, the presents won't come
    As no-one recalls, that our baby has turned one.

    I have bought you a special present, a pink teddy bear,
    But I can't give it to you, as you are no longer there,
    Instead I tend your grave side, and blow you a little kiss,
    It's now I feel the heartache, which tells me what I miss,

    Daddy will always love you, although will never speak your name,
    He's afraid to recall the memories, that will bring back all his pain,
    I see it in his eyes though, as he tries to hold his pride,
    He closes his eyes and prays to god, to have you by his side,

    Mammy always loves you, and always speaks you name,
    The memories won't leave me, so I live constantly in pain,
    I miss not being a mother, I now feel so alone,
    My arms they ache with emptiness, I feel that I've been thrown.

    >

    See "Born Too Soon," "The Little Angels" - A Special Plot in Dublin, Ireland in "Our Memorial Service," Midterm Loss/Unknown cause, Mother's Day in Ireland, and First Anniversary for more of Lisa's story.

    "How others might have helped..." by Lisa (1/98)

    And Chloe arrives!

    Lisa
    Nora - 19/01/97
    Second Trimester Loss
    Dublin, Ireland
    E-mail 7/24/98

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Comments - I had a first trimester miscarriage in Dec 1996. My baby would have been due to be born in 5 days time. I am finding this time very difficult. Any suggestions to ease the pain?

    Coping with the upcoming "due date"

    I am sorry about your loss in Dec. I know the last few months have been difficult and that the next few days will seem endless.

    As we approach the "due date", it seems that the full intensity of the feelings of loss are upon us. We are very aware that if "all had gone as planned" we would be having our hoped for child.

    I have personally been in that place twice - and it hurts. First, you are doing good things by seeking out support - you found SHARE! Many of us understand and share your pain.

    Second, you are not denying your pain and this period of difficulty. When we do, we put all our energy into pretending this doesn't matter, and it DOES.

    You loss your baby in Dec. - and your role of being a "mommy" with a baby in your arms. When you loose someone you love - you grieve. Grief is a normal reaction to loss. Our society just has problems with letting us be normal and have our grief.

    Ways for easing the hurt.

    Now you asked if there are any ways for easing your pain. I have suggested that you already are on the right path. In our group, we talk a lot about due dates, anniversary dates, etc. because these dates are constant and painful.

    We have found that "doing something" helps. In doing something we are accepting our baby as real and our pain as ours, and not denying all this as part of our life's plan. We call this making memories and thinking of something special for ourselves and our baby.

    Mementos become that special part of our experience that is ours. NOONE else has to be a part of this - unless we feel safe to invite a close friend, or a loved one we trust to share. Or you can tell us at SHARE what you choose.

    This is like the special gift you give a newborn, or someone you love very much. Only you keep it and it is a memory of your baby.

    I have a small garden in my front yard that reflects my love for the babies I have lost, as well as several mementos in my home (silk flowers in a basket, a small baby dressed in white) others have done other things.

    Look under "Coping Ideas" in our Main Drop Down Box under "Mementos" - it's full of ideas. You could include your baby in SHARE Atlanta's "Memorial Garden" page. Please remember, you are a parent to this little one - always will be.

    Consider that when an older relative or friend dies, we still love, remember and consider ourselves that persons relative or friend - noone can take that from us or them. This is the same for our baby. You are that baby's mother - he or she will be "Forever in our Heart".

    We also encourage parents to name their babies.

    It took me awhile to feel comfortable to do so (society at work with my brain), but once I did, it felt so right. Now, when I think of that time in my life, I think of Catherine and Elizabeth as special and two little ones that my husband and I really wanted - and have. They are part of who our family eventually became. That seems very right, now.

    Time does heal and helps us realize the whole picture - but it takes time for all these parts to work together. Marcia McGinnis



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Friday, November 6, 1998

    Dear Jacob,

    Mommy's moving a little slow these day, and not for any good reason.

    Instead of a giant belly making each of my steps an effort, my heart is heavy with the loss of you, knowing that this would have been my last week of being as close as two people can be.

    Instead of manuevering our two-bodies-in-one girth through doorways and around corners, I find myself struggling to fit the overwhelming heartache into my everyday life.

    Instead of the sleeplessness that comes with the third trimester tiny bladder/huge everything else syndrome, I lie awake at night missing you, aching for you. This is the only time of day I have time to focus on you and only you. My precious son, you deserve no less.

    Instead of the hormonal fog I was in when I carried your brothers, my brain is murky and clouded by grief. Every time we get in the car I look at the empty place where your carseat should be waiting for you. Every meal we sit down to eat makes me wish for the joyful chaos of an infant's presence.

    The crib is still put away, the nursery a "big boy room", the playroom full of toys for bigger kids. There are no swings, no rattles, no bottles, no handkerchief sized diapers. The baby laundry detergent is for my sensitivity only these days...no one else needs the laundry to smell and feel like a newborn child anymore.

    Every bone in my body longs for you, every muscle misses the aches and pains of late pregnancy, labor (believe it or not!), and those first creaky days and weeks of recovery.

    I sit in the rocker alone and dream of you, my sweet, for the dreams are all that I have left. They will just have to be enough to hold me through until that sweet day when I can finally hold you in my arms forever.

    I love you, little life.

    Love,

    Mommy



    (See Dad and Mom - Support Each Other and Sibling Grief ~ "Little Stars" and "The Gift" for more of Jennifer's thoughts.)

    Jen
    Jacob Greer
    3/30/98
    Miscarriage
    Roswell, GA
    11/7/98
    E-mail

    Marcia's thoughts: Thank you, Jennifer, for sharing what so many of us feel and think as our due date comes...and goes...and there are only a few memories mixed with our "what ought to bes...". Take care as you continue to heal.



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    My angel, Sabrina Suzanne...

    Kelly and I finally did it.. We were going to be parents. I was 6 weeks, I knew this as we had been planning this for many months.

    A few days later I began getting dizzy and was taken to the hospital. I was told that I was going to miscarry and that I just had to wait.. How Horrible, the pain, the anguish I felt... Kelly stayed with me one night, the next day nothing had happened. I had a prior ectopic and was told that everything was fine. I believed them.

    I was released after 4 days in the hospital after seeing 4 different doctors. They told me they did not know what was wrong, and that everything seemed fine.

    The day after being released, I started the pain, severe and hard... I knew something was wrong. I was rushed into emergency and was seen by a wonderful doctor who diagnosed me ASAP. I had a Ruptured ectopic and I needed to be rushed to the city which was 2 hours from my town.

    I knew I was in danger and that My life was ebbing away. At the time I did not think of the fact that I was losing My baby, just me... The pain and the fear of the maybe of losing my life.

    The doctor said that he did not know If I would make the flight to the city, and Kelly was able to come with me. I have never seen so much fear in a man... Until that moment.

    >{? I made it... I lived, however, I did lose my tube and part of my uterus... Not a whole lot, just a bit. But none the less I was butchered.

    I cried alot the first few days, for me, not my baby..

    Then one day I was sitting watching TV with Kelly, and a commercial came on. By this time, because of the complications from my surgery with Allergic reactions, tests, infections I had just about had enough.

    I saw a baby on TV... I cried, finally... I had realized I lost my baby, our baby... The one thing we wanted so bad, that we dreamed about and loved from the moments she was concieved. Got the pain from that was horrible. I wished God had taken me too... What good am I now, I thought.

    This month, February is the month my baby would have been born. My Due date was Feb 24, 1999. I can't help feeling so much hurt now...

    Can I succeed at another try??? Can I hold on to my partner with no children. So many questions that run through my mind, no answers.

    Recently I had a dream, I saw my baby in this dream. A little girl, holding her arms out to us.. laughing and smiling... I knew it was my Sabrina. It gives me comfort that I was given the opportunity to hold her, if only in my dreams...

    I wanted to know if anyone can tell me if they were able to concieve and carry after this type of incident....???

    I miss my baby, more today than I did 3 months ago....The pain is causing problems, Kelly says, our baby is dead.. And the crying will not bring her back.. I got to go on with life... But its hard... I need encouragement... Please...

    Pat
    Sabrina Suzanne
    July 13, 1998
    Ectopic
    Edmonton, Alberta
    Canada
    2/17/99
    E-mail

    Marcia's Comments: It is very hard around the time of the due date...we are SO aware of what we have lost. Few realize how intense this anguish can be. What a sweet dream you had about you and Sabrina. Many folks in our group have shared such a dream. It's almost as though our baby is talking to us from afar...to bring us closer.

    "Moving on" means different things for different folks. Crying can't bring Sabrina back, but it does release much tension and cleanses the soul. You are at a crucial time during the first year after a loss...the due date plus the 6 month mark. Please, if you have not, read through the entries under "The First Year" and "Joann's Diary." These make it clear that grieving is a process NOT a moment and it takes time and work to move through.

    Also the pages on "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal," "Miscarriages and Ectopic Loss" and "A Father's Grief Menu" may help you and Kelly to understand what you both are moving through. You can survive this time ... with communication and understanding of the process and of each other's differences. You both have been through much loss and pain.

    Please consider looking under our Medical links section for more understanding about ectopic pregnancies. My suggestion would be to learn as much as you can, seek the support of an excellent doctor who you can talk WITH, and make some choices.

    We find at SHARE that we need to heal emotionally before embarking upon a new pregnancy and we need to get "our ducks in a row" about the medical part of a subsequent pregnancy. Our Future Pregnancy sections discuss this in detail.



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    In loving memory of Jamie Hurrell 16 September 1998


    Hi there little one,

    I don't care if anyone else thinks it's wrong that I love you and think of you often. I'm not anyone else; I'm your mother.

    I am full of guilt. You were growing for eight weeks inside of me but sadly you had to be taken in out in order that I might live. I had no choice; it was either you go or we both go. I didn't want them to take you out; you were growing there inside of me but growing in the wrong place. I saw you on the ultrasound screen; your heart beating just moments before your short life was ended.

    I'm so, so sorry, little one. You'll always be my third child; Bridget and Mark's little brother or sister. I often think 'what if' and dream that you're here with me now.

    Your due date would just have passed. So instead I write this memorial to you, my darling precious baby, my angel in heaven. Goodbye little Jamie; someday we'll meet again and I'll hold you in my arms and never let anyone harm you ever again.

    Dear God, please keep Jamie in your safekeeping for me.

    Lots of love, kisses and hugs, Mum x x x x x x x x

    Maria
    Jamie Hurrell
    Ectopic
    New Zealand
    5/12/99
    E-mail

    Marica's thoughts: Your guilt and feelings sound familiar as others in our group have felt the same when they have had to go through what you have. It helps to remember that guilt is part of grief...no matter what happens we all deal with some level of guilt around our losses. We so much wish we could change things...knowing that we did the best we could in the circumstances. It is hard to come to terms...forgiving ourselves is one step toward healing.



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    In Loving Memory of Bernice on your Due Date:


    Bernice,

    Today, July 20th would have been your due date. During the past nine months I have thought about you many times.

    I lost you early, and did not get to know you as well as I had planned, but you touched my life like no one else has.

    I know that you are with God now and He will take care of you until we meet again. I look forward to that day more than any day I could look forward to. I am still trying for a sister or brother for you, and I know someday you will have one.

    You are named after my grandmother, Bernice Williams who was truly an inspiration and a friend to me. You were an inspiration and friend to me as well, and I will never forget you. I know grandma is up there playing with you and watching over you until mommy comes to meet you.

    This is a sad day for me, and I feel a strange comfort which lessens my pain. Perhaps it is from you my little angel? Mommy loves you and I will see you soon. Until we meet again, little one.

    Your Mommy,
    Jennie

    Jennie's road to healing...a diary

    Jennie
    Bernice
    11/16/98
    Miscarriage
    Greensboro, NC
    7/20/99
    E-mail

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Anya Juliet or Daniel Christopher Libby


    I suffered a miscarriage on the afternoon of October 06, 1999. The fetus spontaneously aborted as I was standing in my driveway. This coming April, my baby would be born, if I had carried to term.

    I had no idea I was even pregnant, nor did I really know that the pink mass lying on the surface of my sanitary napkin was a fetus until I drove it to the local Walk-In Clinic for examination. I was devastated. The Doctor sent the fetus home with me in a tiny jar of formaldehyde so I could show my boyfriend.

    I am slowly recovering, but I feel that April will be a difficult month. I am planning carefully to become pregnant again, but will be consulting my primary care physician first. I don't think I could go through another miscarriage (or worse yet, a stillborn). I am hoping I will be successful this time. My prayers are with anyone who has ever been through this kind of trauma.

    Melissa
    Anya Juliet or Daniel Christopher Libby
    10/06/99
    Miscarriage
    3/22/00
    E-mail

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    To the holder of all my dreams


    Philip was our first child. We had dreamed of our son for about five years before we got pregnant. We knew he was a blessing right away. We thought we would have a difficult time getting pregnant, but we didn't this time.

    We had an exciting and easy pregnancy, but knew there might be problems and took precautions. I was more likely to have incompetent cervix because of past cervical problems. We were going to see the ob every two weeks starting at 14 weeks.

    We had gone to get the ultrasound done at 20 weeks and everything looked fine. They said that Philip looked normal and so did everything else. We were very excited. He had started to kick to that you could really feel and see him.

    We had gone to my inlaws for Thanksgiving and after being there for about 1 hour my water broke. I was only 22 1/2 weeks and knew the outlook was grim. I prayed to God that with the new technology they would either be able to save him or stop labor.

    The doctor told us our chances of survival for Philip and if he did survive the chances that he would be "normal" and healthy. We talked about our options and realized shortly after I got to the hospital that Philip slipped into my birth canal and his oxygen was cut off. No matter what we did now he would not be able to be saved.

    I delivered a 1 lb 3 oz baby that was 11 inches long. He was perfect in every way. We held him and said our goodbyes. Four days later we buried our son with my husband's father (who he was named after).

    This past Saturday, March 25, was Philip's due date. It was probably the second hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Second only to his death.

    The Grandmas and I placed a wreath we had made on his grave and the rest of the weekend my husband and I spent a quiet weekend alone together.

    We have had many hard times learning that we grieve differently and learning what society expects from parents of a stillborn child. We have found places that have supported us greatly. We also have a newfound generosity in our hearts.

    Since we lost Philip around the holidays we used the money that we received to buy Christmas gifts for little boys who didn't have a large Christmas. I have also tried to set up a better grief support in my church.

    I feel that my "mission" now is to educate others that have had to deal with the same thing or with friends or relatives of other grieving parents. I would like them to know that they aren't alone and there is compassionate and loving suppport.

    Thank you for this opportunity to share my story.

    Jenna
    Philip James Petro
    11.25.1999
    Stillborn
    E-mail


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thank you Marcia for your compassion. I'm very happy that you included my story in the site, the site have helped me heal a little. I've also wrote a poem for my baby.

    My due date is suppose to be tomorrow May 1st. It's been hard because we just got a house and I wish that he was with me. All our plans was forever changed. I miss him so very much Marcia.

    I wish that I could have done something. I wanted to save my little one so very much. I know he is happy and safe in heaven.

    All our little one we love so dearly is doing fine with their Father. I just wish he was with me. I miss him terribly. Your help is greatly appreciated and thank you for reading my letter. Your support is healing.

    This poem is dedicated to my son whom we dearly miss and love always.

    Forever in our Hearts, Mommy and Daddy

    Charles Dalton Wilson III

    Child of mine
    Happy in heaven
    An angel of God
    Remembered always
    Loved
    Endlessly
    Sadly I lost you

    Darling I love you
    Always and forever
    Lonely without you
    Together again someday
    On the day God brings me to you
    Now I am happy

    Will you remember me then?
    I know you will because I am Mommy
    Lovingly you will run to me
    So be patient my child
    On and on I will forever think of you
    Now let us be content and I will see you someday.



    Alta
    Charles Dalton Wilson III
    03/17/01
    Stillborn
    4/19/01
    E-mail

    "Charles Dalton Wilson III" by Alta (4/19/01) and "5 Months and counting..." by Alta (8/29/01), My son is suppose to be 7 months old today!!! by Alta (9/17/01)





    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Laney, ...Oct. was a very good month to have a birthday"

    Laney, as we go through the summer, approaching the Fall, I am reminded of what should have been your due date. Before I lost you, I told people that 'Oct. was a very good month to have a birthday-- it was my birhtday month and my son's and it will be my next baby, Laney's'.

    14 weeks into my pregnancy, I lost you. Now when I think about Oct. it hurts. Its like there's a little hole there.

    I hope you know how much you're missed. The daily pain has gotten better, but I'll never be the same. Sure, I'll smile again, but in my heart I will always long to see my Laney Faith.

    One day we will be reunited and spend eternity in heaven together-- you, me, Daddy and your big bro, Chandler. We will all live a happy life here on earth and when Jesus returns or our time is up, we will come looking for you, sweet girl.

    Mama (Traci)
    Laney Faith
    Apr 25 2001
    Second trimester loss
    Atlanta, GA
    6/30/01
    E-mail


    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    WHY DOES IT HURT SO BAD?

    People tell me to get over it. I was too young. "You didn't need a second baby any way", they say. Isn't that just like saying after the death of a parent, "You'll be OK, you didn't need two parent anyway"?

    I lost my baby on January 5, 2002. Yet all these months later, when I least expect it, I lose control. Sometimes I can cope, sometimes I ask God to just take me too, so I can be with my baby, although I know God can be a much greater mother than I ever could be. I feel like there is no one who understands.

    My due date was May 26, 2002. Now that it is gone , I still wonder why me? I felt my baby move and kick one day, then just to have it taken away the next.

    I look at my other daughterand I wonder to myself, what did I do so differently with her than I did with the other? It just seems like I'll be able to move past it.

    Ashiya
    Kamaria Jackson
    1/5/02
    Second trimester loss
    East Point, GA
    6/10/02

    E-mail



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Due Date is close and I am having anxiety and panic reactions....is this normal?

    As her due date nears, this mother expresses her pain as near panic...much like when we learn our baby is to die or has died. This is a very common reaction.

    My baby was to be due this weekend. I knew that this would be a hard week for us, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I kept thinking that I could handle it and I was wrong. I truly feel as if I am dying. My body hurts, my throat hurts, I am physically sick to my stomach, and I feel like I can't get a good breath. I feel like I am right back in the doctor's office when they told me we had lost her.

    I can't believe how much I miss her! I have cried every morning this week on the way to work. I have prayed to God for the strength to get through this and I don't think I'll get it. We have planned to go to the beach this weekend to ease our pain, but I just think we will be miserable. I don't think I will ever be able to move on right now. How do I even begin to make this tragedy a part of our lives without letting it destroy our faith and spirit?

    Entry #2:

    Somehow, I have survived. I feel more comfortable now that the date has passed. I am not anticipating it anymore. You were right, the days leading up to it are worse than the actual day. We went to Chattanooga and had a wonderful dinner and talked about her at dinner. We spent the night in a nice hotel and went to the aquarium on Saturday. Not what I expected, but nice nonetheless.

    Marcia's thoughts: Prayers were answered as you and your husband shared memories of your daughter while making new memories together. It is how we cope. Moving on with our lives in small steps...while not forgetting...but in a loving way hanging on (to each other and to the memories of your child and to life's process) and slowly realizing that we will survive.

    Please read the information found under E-mail Exchange, Holidays, Anniversaries and Due Dates

    "Remembering our babies on their "due dates"... "



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Remembering Joshua and Jordan

    Hi Marcia, Thank you for thinking of us. This past weekend was very difficult. I wanted to do something special on Friday, but I ended up in bed most of the day, sleeping or crying or both. This is a very hard journey and I want my children here with me in this life. My reality is just too painful to think of sometimes, so I just go to sleep. I wish I could wake up from one of those naps and find Joshua and Jordan in the nursery asleep in their cribs, but I know that won't happen. Instead of having them here, I have a box of ashes.

    I spent so much time trying to emotionally prepare for this weekend, that I thought the actual date would be easier. Boy, was I wrong. I went to Wal-mart yesterday to grab some things really quickly. Once I made it over to the grocery section, the first thing I saw was a set of fraternal twin boys. Their skin was dark, like Vincent's, and they were just beautiful in every way. I just lost it, but at the same time I couldn't help but stare at them. I pray that one day, this journey will get easier, because I just can't go one like this forever. Nikecia

    Marcia's thoughts: I am sorry that that is the way Friday was for you, but maybe that is what you needed to do. Crying and sleeping both are coping mechanisms. Not our favorite but they are both cleansing and can help to heal us. Tears are sometimes all we have to offer the situation. Sleep is often a real escape from real life. You have been fairly active over the last few weeks and grief sometimes needs a "rest."

    Getting what seems like too much sleep or not enough is a typical response to grief. Remember what we said about the fact that grief uses LOTS of energy...well it does. Then, we have to sleep to catch up NOT to mention sleep is sometimes an escape. Remember what Vincent did upon returning to the house after your fall...sleeeeeeeeeept.

    I promise you are working on your grief. It has just been your due date. It has past. You have a huge hurdle behind you. Now, you will press on. Try to think each day one small blessing...it can be a very small blessing or a big one...like having Vincent supporting your efforts to heal. He is and that is awesome.

    E-mail



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    What can I do?

    Marcia, I am just writing to let you know that with Isiah's due date approaching% I feel lost again. I want to run and hide and take Hope with me. She is the only bright spot on this journey for me. I can't help but think about what it would be like to have Hope playing with her little brother. I am under so much stress lately and I feel as if I do not have enough time to grieve properly. I can%t help wondering if this is delayed reaction or just my grief%s way of rearing its ugly head. What am I supposed do?

    Marcia's thoughts: There is not too much to actually do...you have done a great deal. Realizing the feelings and reactions for what they are is the big beginning. You will make it through this time because of your love for Hope and all of your babies.

    Hope's presence is what you hold on to. She is here and ever present. I know you know that her realness is important for you. I know having Joel to hug when I was grieving Seth meant a great deal to me.

    You have had so much happen to you that there isn't a "proper time" to grieve, but with your emails, poems, supporting other moms, etc. - you are doing the work of grief. It comes in stages and over a period of time. Running is something we all wish to do at times...me, too. Sadly, it doesn't really work. BUT, we can run in the sense of taking a few hours for ourselves. I have headed to a fun place with my child...lunch in a basket. Pretty days give us the sunny -happy openness we might need. Even if you don't have a car, you might take a long walk somewhere. Or plan with a friend who does have a car and who semi-understands, that you need "out."

    I hear you...I do understand. We have to take what life has handed us and figure out how to get to the other end....The journey is what it is all about. One of the things I do every day...and I think you and I have shared this before..is I thank God for my blessings. In doing this, I am forced to remember them! It hurts, it twists our hearts, but we do have the ability to make choices that will help us through all of it. Please know that I care. Keep me posted. I am here.

    Isiah Thomas
    September 3, 2006
    Miscarriage
    Dahlonega, GA
    Crystal
    March 20, 2007

    E-mail



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Planting a tree for Juliet on her due date...

    Planting the tree this weekend in memory of Juliet (at her due date) was wonderful. We also all wrote on a balloon and let it go and really liked doing that. I have the pinwheel that you gave me at the group in March (2007) in the ground at the base of the tree an everytime I see it (especially when Isee it spinning!) I think of Juliet and how much she would love it. Thank you so much. Sincerely, Jen Davis

    Marcia's thoughts: I wondered and thought about you this past weekend. I am pleased that you were able these loving activities in memory of Juliet. Sending messages to our little ones via the balloon is a moment that you share with many SHARE Atlanta parents. Thank you, too, for coming and sharing with us last Wednesday...together we work through our grief, don't we.

    This weekend we went to Springville, AL where my husband's family are and where our son is buried. I put a pinwheel on his grave. Its been a long while for me, but seeing it twirl in the breeze makes me think of Seth being able to run free in the breeze! And, like you, I believe he would love the pinwheel. (As a matter of fact, they were still in our famiy room when our son got home and he blew on them for awhile!!) I always smile when we add the pinwheel each spring!

    E-mail



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    Return to list of Letters and Poems




    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







    Return to "Anniversaries, Due Date Menu"

    Share Logocopyright(c)SHARE Atlanta '97-'12

    Graphics on this Site are Copyright