Return to list of Letters and PoemsReturn to list of Letters and Poems
My subsequent baby is now two months old. Natalyn Rose is such a blessing to our whole family. When we lost Amelia, it seemed to shake everyones faith to the core. So much anger and sorrow. In the first couple of weeks after Natalyn's birth I would find myself crying everytime I looked at her. I was crying for the loss of another baby girl that never opened her eyes, never nursed, never cried, never got to where all the beautiful pink clothes. Even now if she does something especially cute, my eyes will tear up for what should have been. It is a conundrum because I know that if Amelia were alive, Natalyn would not be here.
I know that there must be some unknown reasons why this child lived and the other did not. I still rebel against the thought that it was merely to teach a lesson or make me a better person, but I suppose all will be revealed in heaven when I will see my little lost lamb again. Until then I will cherish the daughter that I have been blessed with. I pray that all those who have lost a child can know the bittersweetness of having a subsequent child.
"Heights and Depths" by Melina ( 6/25/00 posted 7/12/00) - Melina's story
Melina
Amelia Claire
04/30/00
Atlanta, GA
2/02
E-mail
Marcia's Comments: I am always glad when these kind of thoughts are shared because I know so many of us feel this way. I know it helps other parents to know that they are not alone in their continuing confusion. It does lessen as time goes by and I believe each of us finds some meaning to (or makes something meaningful out of) all of this. Give Natalyn a hug from me
Return to list of Letters and Poems
I was wondering about the packet for subsequent pregnancies. If you could mail me one. I lost my daughter in December 2002, My story is listed here under Gabrielle Rain MacIntosh Moore. I am now 13 weeks pregnant again and very scared so any info would be great.
my home address is: Marcia's thoughts: We will send you some information though much of what we offer is for local folks. On our website is more information under "Subsequent Pregnancies Menu."There are lots of links to helpful sites, diaries of women who have moved through a subsequent pregnancy, and I will be putting up a diary of one of our local woman who is about as far a long as yourself. You might want to email her and share support for one another. I also will include your note under our email section. Hopefully, you will receive some emails from other members.
A subsequent pregnancy is usually filled with fear and uncertainties. We have lost our innocence and know what can happen. That is why we offer support during this time. My prayers are with you as you move through this pregnancy. Know that you are not alone in your thoughts, others have had the same feelings...we can make it through, but it is difficult.
We will be sending you a packet with as much information as we have and please read what is on our line.
"Gabrielle Rain MacIntosh Moore named by her big brother, Tylor" by Tena (4/3/03) Third Term Loss/Known Cause
"Dawsyn Cole Moore" by Tena 3/14/04 New Arrival
E-mailMarcia's Comments: I am always glad when these kind of thoughts are shared because I know so many of us feel this way. I know it helps other parents to know that they are not alone in their continuing confusion. It does lessen as time goes by and I believe each of us finds some meaning to (or makes something meaningful out of) all of this. Give Natalyn a hug from me
Return to list of Letters and Poems
"Looking For A Faithful Friend" by Jen (1/17/02)- Family, Friends and Co-Workers
"Two Years Without Our Daughter" by Jen (2/15/02)
Jen and Ben announce the arraival of Hope Sarah Mountney on December 22, 2002 (9/03)
Return to list of Letters and Poems
My story - March 9, 2003 I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say, we were thrilled. All was going well and after the 12 week mark I started to relax figuring I was "out of the woods". Every ultrasound and check up was fine. Then I went to my ob/gyn for my 20 week checkup. I found out I was having a little girl. She had her full check up and everything was perfect. Then the doctor could not see my cervix. My cervix was incompetent and could not hold the weight of Alexa. She was born July 4, 2003 at 9:54 p.m. when all of the fireworks were going off. The rest of the world was celebrating and my husband and I were dying inside. We did get to hold Alexa for a short time and I could not believe this was happening. She is my little Angel and will always be. We are now pregnant with twins and I am petrified that I will not be able to keep these little ones. I fear that god will take them away from me too. I just pray that I will get to bring them into this world. I am counting on Alexa to watch over them as they grow inside of me. I am just an emotional wreck and am so confused. Thanks for listening. Marcia's thoughts: Kim, your fear and uncertainty during this pregnancy is very normal. That is why we have a subsequent pregnancy group and why there is a section on our website for Subsequent Pregnancies. (see Main Drop Down Box). I have two (one is active the other person's diary is ready to begin) subsequent pregnancy diaries going right now on the site. You might like to read them (there are four that are already completed with successful babies!). You can email Sakina or Christie and support them and they will support you. Sakina has a creclage for incompetent Cervix. I will include your story on our pregnancy page, also, so maybe someone will connect with you there. Please know that we support you fully. You are also coming up on the sixth month mark after a loss and the holidays (and just past your due date?) - all are very hard (read about the sixth month under Sharing Stories, Month to Month and the Holidays and due dates under Holidays, Anniversaries and Due Dates.) You have the reality of you loss tied with the hormones and fear of being able to carry these babies. You can make it through this time, but please be gentle on yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself - take care and listen to your doctor if he recommends bed rest. Sidelines, a group for moms on bedrest, can help you here...there is a link to them on the site. Marcia's Comments: It is good hearing from you. It touches my heart to hear from those who come to the site and who are healing. The pain we feel after the loss of our special babies is part of us - always, but we hope that each year the memories become more bitter sweet and easier to reflect on. We become who we are as we integrate our experience and our child (ren) into our lives. They will always be part of our fabric - the love will stay forever. We do them the most special gift when we allow their presence to be a gift and make this gift meaningful. For many, raising our other children in a loving home, providing for them, and knowing just how special they are - is THAT gift. As I have often said, my five, three in heaven and two on earth, have helped make me who I am today. We will never forget our babies, but they would want our grief to mellow and their presence to be a gift... Thanks so much for sharing the good news of Mollie with us. If you would send me details, I will include her on our "New Arrivals" page. Thanks... I recently lost a baby at 7 weeks. I know I wasn't that far along, and I wasn't really used to the idea. It was sort of an accident. My husband and I knew that we where taking a chance. I was only off of the pill because my prescription ran out. My sex drive was crazy. So I miscarried 4 days after finding out I was indeed preganant. I had been thinking about what it would be like to have another child. I have two boys ages 4 and 6. We never thought we'd have any more. When I told my husband I was pregnant he was sort of surprised but I could tell he was getting used to the idea, maybe excited. I was getting excited. Now I really want to get pregnant again and my husband is talking about a vasectomy. I am really confused. I know he doesn't know how I really feel. I know I should talk to him about how I feel but I am scared he'll reject the idea. I think I should wait to see if my feelings are still this strong after I am emotionally healed from this loss. Marcia's thoughts: You have had a whirlwind of events with being pregnant when you didn't plan, just getting to realize that you were, miscarrying and then your husband has added to the mix by talking about a vasectomy. Whew...not to mention two active boys in tow. Grief, in itself causes confusion. Most of us don't realize that. So the pot is hot and being stirred. I think you are very wise to take some time to grieve and think through this all before your husband does anything permanently. He can't know how you feel if you don't tell him. He most likely knows you are "different" and upset, but please don't assume that he "understands" how you feel or feels exactly the same way. His way of "fixing" the situation might mean to have the vasectomy so this kind of thing woun't happen again to "hurt" you or him. All of these are normal thoughts. Please read about the difference between men and women's grief under "Father's Grief." Most likely, he is grieving, too, and doesn't have a clue what to do. So, my suggestion is to get a babysitter and go somewhere you two can talk for a short time. Share with him - before hand - that you need to talk about the miscarriage and your feelings with him in a quiet setting. Give him a chance to say his thoughts, too. Remember all decisions do not need to be made THAT night. You are there to talk and find out what each of you are feeling/thinking. Give yourself a few months and use birth control during that time so things can be decided together. During tha time, grieve the loss of your child and take care of yourself. Then, plan another night away, if you can, to talk more about how you both feel about this topic. I know money can be tight...the length of time away doesn't have to be long. Time to regroup and to think through for both of you what you really want and should do is what is important. Some of the information under Subsequent Pregnancies might also help you in your decision. Of course, these are just my thoughts and of course your decision on how to go about any of this is what matters. I guess what I am trying to encourage is to give yourself "permission to grieve" THIS child, time to heal a bit, and time to understand how each of you feels about what happened and about your future as a family. Grief can cause us to be confused and unsure about lots of things...so please read what I have written under "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal."
Medical Issues and how to start looking for a doctor.. Hello, Marcia. Hope you are doing well. I attended your group a few
weeks ago and talked to you on the phone. I had a miscarriage at 19 weeks on 3/1/04. I have seen my Ob and a maternal fetal medicine specialist since that group meeting- the second doctor mainly to get some answers about my condition which is an incompetent cervix. It helped to talk with him. He was able to provide some answers to me. I wanted to talk with some other doctors in Atlanta as well. My Ob is leaving her practice soon which is disappointing so I have to find someone else. I was wondering if you had suggestions on some good maternal fetal medicine specialists or high risk Ob's in this area that I could talk to as well as some the names of
other Ob's in the Atlanta area that you liked or other women have mentioned to you. I delivered at Dekalb Medical Center but people have mentioned they liked Northside alot. I am not thinking of getting pregnant any time soon. I was just advised to find another Ob practice that I feel comfortable with. Thanks for your help, Nima 4/18 4/29 Marcia's thoughts: It sounds as though you are wisely looking at the medical situation around the loss of your son. We talk about this in our group this month. We talk about second opinions, learning all we can about our medical situation, and planning with a doctor of our choice what will happen during our subsequent pregnancy. It helps keep us emotionally healthier during our next pregnancy. It is best to do this before we become pregnant. Our emotions are not being dictated by hormones and we have more energy to give to the important process of finding a doctor. Having a pre-pregnancy "consultation" is an excellent way to ask questions and find the doctor that is "on the same page" as you need him or her to be. You ask some good questions. Yes, I do know some doctors that have made some very good and wise decisions for our mothers. We can make some suggestions, but I would rather do that on the phone or after the group. I am sure you are aware, that "good" doctors can often depend on different personalities as well as other things. There are some groups that we have found supportive and are listed under our medical Links section. Also, our latest addition to our site is information about the cerclage by some of our mothers. You can find a link to that in our Medical Links as well and in Angela's Subsequent Pregnancy Diary in this section. I hope this helps some. Please take your time in this decision. It is important to find the doctor that you feel will work with you and your husband in order to have a subsequent child.
Dear Marcia, A few weeks ago I wrote to you about the loss of my first child Elizabeth Vaishnavi in June 2004. She had Turner's syndrome. The support that I recieved from you, this website and other people from this website has helped me so much. Last week I found out that I am pregnant for the second time. I am now 6 weeks along. I am very happy but I am also terrified. My first pre-natal appt is at 9 weeks. During my previous pregnancy our baby died at 8 and 1/2 weeks although we didnt find out until 12 weeks. I can't wait for this appointment so that I can find out everything is fine but I am also so scared of it. I could use any support that you and other members on this site can provide about subsequent pregnancies. Thank you, Ambuja 4/43 Marcia's thoughts: I will include your email in our subsequent pregnancy page so others can email you as well...you might also consider visiting our forum and expressing your thoughts there. I will put a section for thoughts during subsequent pregnancies on there tomorrow. We have had several parents whose baby died from Turner's syndrome. All have gone on to have living children. It helps to know that this can happen, but meanwhile, we have to survive the pregnancy we are moving through. Some doctors understand this fear we have and will get us into the office before the 8th or 9th week...to help us feel more secure. We know that they can't change some factors in our pregnancy but we know that they can be key to helping us stay "on top" of what is happening in our pregnancy. Some doctors who don't understand this fear can be educated to understand that we need their immediate care from the very beginning. Sometimes, if the doctor doesn't seem to be willing to support us in the manner that we need, it is good to find another doctor that will. This is easier to do in large cities, I understand because of the larger selection of doctors. It is worth changing doctors to find one who will support you. Have you gone in and talked to this doctor about how he is going to watch you in this pregnancy? You can ask for a "consultation" to ask him to outline a plan that will make you as comfortable as you can be during your next pregnancy (or this pregnancy). It is best to do this before you are pregnant but you can do it now as well. If you have already gotten a plan from him, please consider sharing it with us. It often helps to have others "on board" with you as you go through this time. If you don't have this or if the doctor isn't agreeable to this, you might consider looking for a doctor who is on board with talking to you. It is normal to be fearful - you don't wish to repeat what has happened or to be in the unknown without support. If you can feel you doctor IS supporting you, then we can relax some. Has he told you anything? Have you asked? I am only asking to know what you might know already. Please know that I care and I will think through any reply you send me. Have you looked up information on Turners Syndrome? I think it is very rare for it to happen twice. I had a genetic situation with our babies as well. It is scary...it could happen again, but most likely would not...but I wanted to be watched carefully, as do most of our moms. We are human...and care greatly. Let me know your thoughts...these are mine... Entry #2 Thank you for your email. You brought up some important points. I haven't really tried to make an earlier appt and the reason for this has been some confusion with my medical insurance. I just graduated and my insurance from school is being transferred to a continuation plan and basically is a huge mess that i am trying to sort out. Hopefully in a week or so it will be sorted out, then i can attempt to get an appt a week earlier. My doctor during my previous pregnancy wasnt very supportive during my miscarriage. After my D&C, I discussed subsequent pregnancies with her and attempted to make out a plan so that I can feel more secure with earlier visits. She wasn't willing to give me that support. So I went back to my GYN (who is a wonderful doctor but unfortunately doesnt practice OB) and asked for a referral to another OB-GYN who would be more sensitive. He gave me a referral to this new doctor and assured me that not only will she be more sensitive but that she also has experience with high-risk cases (I have PCOS and insulin resistance so i might develop gestational diabetes and since i take fertility meds for PCOS my chance of multiples are higher). So I have made an appt with this new doctor Sarah. Their office had their nurse call me right away and collect my medical history and they wanted to know if there was anything they could do to make me feel less stressed. It never occurred to me to ask for an earlier appt due to the insurance fiasco. I did read up on Turner's syndrome and found that it is extremely rare for it to happen again. I never expected to get pregnant so soon due to my PCOS although we were trying. I have a cousin in India who is a OB-GYN and she has been in touch with me during the time my insurance wasnt working. She has me on supplemental progesterone therapy for the first trimester. My family (parents and brother) live in India and my mother is very anxious about me and would like me to go there during my 2nd trimester and have my cousin take care of me. Unlike popular belief India has one of the best medical systems. I am very close to my mother and worry about her worrying about me. My husband is American and his mother doesnt want me to go because she is worried about the travel. So besides the stress about miscarrying I also feel like i am being pulled in all directions. We also decided to put off telling anyone except our parents about the pregnancy until after the 3 months and so i have no one to talk to about it and feel very lonely. Sorry i am going on and on, but it feels better to communicate with someone who understands. Thank you again for your support. I will call the nurse again and see if i can get an earlier appt. Marcia's thoughts: Never worry about "going on and on" - it doesn't seem so to me because all of us have to talk about whatever it is that we need to talk about. The issues you are discussing are very crucial to you and your baby. So it takes lots of "brainstorming" to think through them. Yes, the insurance issues get in the "way" a lot. I hope things will be worked out. The important thing is that you have found a doctor who will work "with" you not against you.
You need the assurance of being able to talk with her at any time - night or day. It sounds as though you have found one that may very well work. It might help your peace of mind to ask for a consultation as well as an earlier visit. You have some definite and "real" fears that need to be addressed. A doctor that understands us will understand that need. The "relationship" issues are huge. We have an entire meeting on Grief and Relationships because everyone's input adds to our confusion. While it can be helpful at times, and we need the support of our loved ones, it is demanding on us when we try to make "everyone" happy. In my opinion, you have to think of you, your husband and you baby more than anyone else. If you can find a good doctor...one who is listening, answers your questions, and is quick to support you here in the US, it would seem that your relationship with you husband would be best for you to stay here. I believe you live in a big city so I would guess that there are good doctors and you might have found her. A consultation might clarify that for you. You could ask your cousin in India the same questions and see how they compare. I have had some moms go through a few doctors before finding "the" one. How does you husband feel about "where" you should be? As I remember your story, Elizabeth died early and you had to have a D and C. Your body didn't miscarry your baby. Progesterone therapy is to help keep you pregnant. Do you think you baby died because she had Turner's Syndrome? That would be my thought. The progesterone will not hurt you...but once you are in your second trimester you usually don't need it anyways. I am NOT a doctor, obviously these are just my thoughts. Making the decision to not tell anyone is common as well. Yet, another "relationship" issue. But, the one with immediate family is the most concern for most of us. Telling others helps...and doesn't help. On the one hand no one will ask you about things that you wish not to talk about and on the hand you do feel more isolated. That is why a site and forum such as we have can be helpful for parents. It is hard to bring all of this together, but you seem to be on the road to doing that. It is like being in school almost...doing your homework, gathering information and writing the formal report! It seems to me that the biggest hurdle you might have is finding "the" doctor who cares for high risk and will listen AND getting in earlier to talk to the doctor and get a review of how she will care for YOU. Then, all of the other issues might "fall in place." Whew...now I have rambled. My brain is full of thoughts. Hope one or two help you some in your process of trying to figure this out. Entry #3 - Oct. 13, 2004 Thanks again for your support. It helps so much. Elizabeth did die of Turner's syndrome. As far as my research goes, there doesn't seem to be a test for it. The progesterone is just a precaution from my cousin, partly to put my mind at ease and partly because lots of women with PCOS might have a deficiency. I talked to my cousin yesterday and she told me to stop taking the progesterone at the end of 8th week. She also asked me to call her after i see my doctor here. Regarding my husband's feelings, he wants me to have the baby whereever it will be more comfortable for me and safe for the baby. He says he will miss me very much if i decide to go to india but he will come there a week before i deliver. Things are more complicated than just that though. I didnt go through it in my last email... currently i cant leave US even if i wanted because my green card is being processed. I can only go if i get it before my 2nd trimester is over, something that seems increasingly unlikely. So maybe fate will solve the problem for me. I freaked out yesterday. I started having a sore throat that is turning into a cold. 2 days before i found out about Elizabeth's death i came down with a similar sore throat and cold. Although i KNOW that had nothing to do with the miscarriage, but just being pregnant and feeling miserable with the cold just triggered a bad memory. I couldnt sleep at all and finally at 4.30 am, i did another pregnancy test! It turned positive immediately, i know it is silly but it just made me a feel better. I decided to come over and stay with my MIL for a couple of days and have her nurse me through this cold. I am very close to my MIL too and since i miss my mother so much it helps. My cold is not as severe as it was when i was carrying Elizabeth. Hopefully i will be over it soon. I did talk to the nurse yesterday and confirmed what meds i can take and such and requested an earlier appt. She said that shouldnt be a problem. I will keep you posted. Marcia's thoughts: It sounds as though you have a very loving husband. I do too. It is so nice that your mother-in-law is a good friend...how very special. Take care of yourself it is the time for colds again. I had a cold in each of my pregnancies at the beginning. I know it triggered a bad memory...but many people have colds and never miss a step and all goes well. I know you know that but it helps to be reminded. I understand about the therapy - be sure to tell you doctor here that you are doing this. I know it is okay because many of our moms use it...me, too! Yes, the decision may be taken out of your hands. I feel that you could get good medical care either place. It is in the hunting and finding just the one that will make the difference. Babies are born in India and in the USA that are healthy and thriving...and mom and baby needed care, but I realize the choice is not an easy one. My thoughts are with you...feel better...keep me posted.
A little over seven months ago I delivered my 35 wk stillborn son. Last week, my husband, Bryan, and I found out we are pregnant again. I'm early (5 weeks) and I'm absolutely terrified. My body seems to have remembered being pregnant and went straight into the swollen, tender breasts and slight morning sickness. I don't feel as sick as I did with Nathaniel so I keep trying to remind myself that its early. I check my toilet paper everytime I use the bathroom to make sure there is no blood on there. Does anyone have any ideas on how to remain calm? I see the doctor on Tuesday for an early pregnancy visit, but I doubt they'll be able to find a heartbeat this early. I don't think I'll feel okay until then. I'm switching to a new high risk obstetrician I had a blood clot in the placenta with Nathaniel and we feel the doctors could have figured this out. Again, I'm so scared. Any suggestions would be great.
Alexa Marie
July 4, 2003
Stillborn
Denville, New Jersey
Nov. 18, 2003
E-mail
Return to list of Letters and Poems
Return to list of Letters and Poems
1/18/04
Miscarriage
Wisconsin
2/2/04
Return to list of Letters and Poems
"I suffered a incompetent cervix at 19 1/2 weeks...I need support." by Nima Midterm Loss/Known Cause/Incompetent cervix Atlanta, GA (3/13/04)
"The roller coaster ride and control issues..." by Nima (4/21/04) Grieving and healing...Information from SHARE Atlanta moms on cerclage.
Akash
20 weeks/incompetent cervix
Atlanta, GA
3/13/04
E-mail
Return to list of Letters and Poems
"Elizabeth Vaishnavi: Our baby girl..." by Ambuja (August 21, 2004)
Miscarriage New baby for sister-in-law bring up "issues" for grieving parents. by Ambuja (8/23/04)
Elizabeth Vaishnavi West
6-18-2004
Miscarriage
Columbus, OH
10/9/2004
E-mail
Return to list of Letters and Poems
Nathaniel Blake Ginter
8/18/2004
Stillborn
Atlanta, GA
April 2005
E-mail
Marcia's Comments: I see that you live in the Atlanta area. We have a Subsequent Pregnancy group that meets once a month and addresses many of the concerns that you express in your letter. Some of these are also discussed on our website under the Subsequent Pregnancy Menu - in the information, Mom Diaries, and in some of the links. Polly, our facilitator for the group, would love for you to join her and/or be part of the online email group that she has.
It is wise to have a high risk doctor working with you. S/he should be able to help you with many of your concerns. Being nervous and needing a lot of support is normal during your subsequent pregnancy after a loss. That is why we have a group to join. Often, it is in the sharing that what you are fearing or experiencing is "normal" that you can relax a little. And, if it is not normal, seek the doctor immediately. Carol Lanham's book, Pregnancy After a Loss is also an excellent resource.
Also, consider reading some of the "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal" which is under the "Grief Process" on that page. I wrote this with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. All to often we believe that being pregnant ends our grieving process. Our grieving process is modified by our pregnancy, but we are still grieving the loss of our baby. Understanding this helps us...though many of those around us, believe that a pregnancy signals that 'all is well." Most of us wish for a living baby...work to that cause, but it is work to get there. We hope to celebrate with our new little one, but we still take one day or one hour at a time. We need support during our pregnancy from our medical caregivers and those who we reach out to for understanding that we are still fragile and in need of extra TLC.
Return to list of Letters and Poems
It has been a while since I have posted anything but I thought now was a good time. My daughter Gabrielle was born on 12/02/2004 and we lost her an hour later due to Arterial Venous Malformation. I was trying to cope with her birthday and it was a sad time but the day after her birthday I found out that we are going to have another baby!
This does not replace my baby girl but I feel that she sent this gift to me. My ten year old son is so excited and my husband is very nervous as I am nervous but so positive! We heard his or her heartbeat for the first time this morning and it was wonderful.
I was really ready to give up on having another child since I had a miscarriage and lost Gabrielle last year, but deep down I wanted to have another baby and I could not let myself give up and now I am here standing and ready to try motherhood again!!!!! This is a beautiful experience!!!!!!!
Thank you all for listening to my stories and you are all on mind.
5/54
"8 Months Later..I am not sure if I have really grieved." by Simone (7/30/05) GA
5/7"Our Miracle, Gabrielle Karisma" by Simone (1/20/05) Newborn Death/Known Cause GA
E-mailMarcia's thoughts: Simone please visit our website and log-on and share your news on our restarted forum under, "I'm pregnant again...support". I am very pleased that we have people to help monitor our forum this year and I believe it will be helpful to all. Also, please consider joining with our Subsequent Pregnancy group that is local. We have about 6 "new" moms who are beginning this walk together and are forming an online email group as well as meeting together. If you do not wish to "meet" with them, perhaps you will join them as they support one another through their pregnancies. You can email Shenia, one of the co-facilitators...
E-mail Shenia, co-facilitator for our Subsequent Pregnancy Group
Return to list of Letters and Poems
SHARE Atlanta's Subsequent Pregnancy Menu
copyright(c)SHARE Atlanta '97-'05
Graphics on this Site are Copyright
