Well I had a baby die in July of 1999. The doctors tried to get me to do away with with Haley Sheyanna Lindsey and I did not. They told me she would not live though the birth and I did not give up. I had hope that maybe she would live but rest her soul she passed and left me behind.

I never once regret letting her live for the 8hours that she did. They said she was the frist baby to live with that birth defect as long as she did.

I was only 20 at her death. I miss her more today and more every day after. I can only talk to her in prayer and tell her that I love her as the same as my 2 boys. They love her like she has allways been here and they remember her like she was here today. They will always do so as long as I'm here to remind them.

I lost my "angel" Christian May, 5 1998. I have posted my story here before. As I tuly thought that things would get better with time, I have found that they are becoming harder by the day.

Christian was my second loss, though I am very blessed with an 8 year old daughter.

My acceptance with my loss has been up and down....my marriage ended with my loss....which has become very hard to accept. My first loss made my marriage stronger yet the second only pulled us apart. Things were done and said that never should have been....I truly don't know how to deal with all of the emotions....for I truly never thought that they could go any deeper than they already had.

I would welcome any advice/suggestions for this , for I don't think that I can do it alone anymore....it's been a long time since I've logged on to SHARE....

I will forever remember her, my sweet angel, Mary. Her memory lives on in my heart. I will never forget how excited we were when we learned of her conception. We always wanted a lot of children.

My first pregnancy was perfect up until my 32rd week. My water broke and I delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl. My second pregancy with Mary was very smooth. I thought my only concern would be premature labor again around 32 weeks. Little did I know I would lose her at 23 weeks. I still grieve over the fact that she shouldn't have been born then. If only I had listed to my body more. Maybe, just maybe, she would had a chance.

I started having back pain on Saturday. I believed that I had lost my mucus plug. I ever started having a thick discharge. I feared a bladder infection or yeast infection. I had no idea that the infection brewing inside me would eventually take my daughter's life.

I called my doctor and was helped by the doctor on call. He told me to go to the hospital due to my history of premature labor. I went to the hospital. I was never seened by a doctor, only diagnosed by a nurse who claimed I had a yeast infection. I was never cultured and had an ultrasound, things I wish had taken place.

The next day the pain was getting worse in my back. The doctor told me to take Aleve and call his office in the morning. He didn't think it was anything serious. It was. The next morning I awoke with blood. I immediately called my doctor's office and was told my doctor was on vacation but the nurse practioner would see me. The nurse took my baby's heartbeat (120) and I could tell something was wrong.

The nurse then proceeded to do a vaginal exam wherein my water broke. I was told to walk over to the hospital because my water had ruptured. I was so scared and frightened. I walked over to the hospital, alone, fearing the worst. I had to wait for twenty minutes before finally begging someone to take me to the maternity floor because my water was running down my legs.

After being taken upstairs, my husband was called. I will never forget the fear I felt. I thought I had some massive infection and I would die and so would my baby. I was pretty close. My husband finally arrived and was as scared as I was.

Slowly my family friends came to be with my husband and I to support us. I remember the doctor coming in to see my husband and I and basically explaining that I had a bad infection that they did not know where it came from. He felt that the baby has no chance of survival and if labor started I would have to deliver her.

They performed an ultrasound and I saw her little heart still beating...wanted to live...wanted to be saved. I prayed. I prayed to God to help us. I was so scared.

Slowly, my temperature started to rise. 104 degrees at one point. The doctor told my family and my husband that if the baby did not come soon, I could die. To this day, I will never know what that did to my husband.

I just laid there, helpless, believing that it was all be okay and my baby would live. I remember the nurse coming in and giving me morphine. I had a bad reaction and started to have seizures. I remember begging my husband and my mother to help me. My husband had tears running down his face trying to calm me down. The nurse and doctor were able to reverse the reaction and I proceeded to go into labor. My family and friends were with me trying to understand and help me get through the worst day of my life. My sister-in-law is a nurse and tried to keep me comfortable. I look back and can't believe how nieve I was.

I never imagined she would be born and I would lose her. Finally it was time, I had to push. I delivered her at 9:13 p.m. She never took a breath. Her little heart kept beating until the cord was cut. I gave her life only until I coulnd't anymore. She peacefully rose to Heaven and my heart ached.

Shortly thereafter, my doctor had to leave before delivering the placenta. A mother of twins had gone into premature labor at 23 weeks and lost her son ten minutes after my daughter. Two angels on their way to meet God. Two mothers sharing the same pain within a couple feet of each other.

I proceeded to try to deliver the afterbirth for five hours. The doctor didn't want to perform a D&C unless necessary due to my infection. I ended up having a D & C in the morning.

Two years later, I still remember her. I still long for her but I am healing.

I finally gave birth to a beautiful little angel named Lexie in August of this month. She was born at 37 weeks. It took us over a year to conceive her. I cherish her more than life. She doesn't replace, Mary, but she has helped me to heal.

I remember when I knew my daughter had no hope of life, my mother asked me to think of a name that remind me of an angel, the name Mary seemed appropriate. I am glad we named her. She deserved to have a name because she was my daughter.

My husband and I even had pictures taken with her which were painful and the time but now, they are a comfort to us and my little girl, now 4. It brings comfort to her to see her sister. To know that she was a part of our lives, if only for a brief time.

I don't know why God took Mary, I may never know but my priest said that God gave her to me for a reason and took her for a reason also. I still search for the answer.

She forever lives with me. I think of her every day but I am grateful for my two little girls. Time is my best friend these days. It is the one healing I can count on. Not many people in my life seemed to remember Mary which is hard but I know that I will always have those special moments of her first kicks and hiccups and movements...a cherished gift given to only me.

So now the world knows there was a beautiful angel named Mary. Born on September 13, 1999. She left our world with her lasting tiny footprints in my heart. I love her! Thank you!

I as sit down to write this it is so hard to believe that it has been two years since we lost our beautiful little girl, Amy Dawn. There has been so much pain these past two years. I never imagined that our baby would die. I never dreamed that our life would turn out this way. There is so much love here waiting, so many dreams here waiting for Amy Dawn and yet I know she will never come back. And it breaks my heart.

I find myself reflecting as her birthday approaches. I think of all the pain, all the lost hopes and dreams and all the love we have for our daughter. It is so unbelievable that she is gone. I don't want to believe it and yet the reality is there. I see it. I see the lives of others and how they have gone on, they got married, they had babies, their lives went on. It's so hard to understand why the world didn't stop when our baby died. My world stopped, my world was shattered and somehow, I don't understand it, but life has gone on for others. It's very painful to see and very painful to think about.

Sometimes I wonder if we didn't have enough love, if others have more love to give and yet I know I could not love Amy Dawn anymore than I do already. She has my heart. I would do anything for her, anything at all, to bring her back, anything at all to show her how much I love her. I would do anything to have her back. I just need her to know how much I love her and miss her and how much she is wanted, how precious and wonderful she is and how she has changed our lives forever. How we'll never forget her, we'll always love her and wish that she were here with us still as she should be.

Two years. It feels so unbelievable, so unreal and yet I know it IS real. So very real and so very painful. I just hope she knows how much we love her.

Two years. It feels like another hurdle. It feels like people will be less sympathetic now that two years have passed, if only they could understand that two years have not gone by for me, I have been surrounded by pain, love, grief and emptiness for what seems like an eternity. If only they could understand that I would have stopped time if only I knew how. That Amy Dawn should be here. As time goes on, people want you to forget your baby, forget your pain. That is something I can't do. I love my daughter and I will NEVER forget her. Be it two years, twenty years or eighty years, I will NEVER forget her. I will always miss her and ache for her and wish that she were here.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if she were here. If she had been born on her due date she would be twenty months old. Walking and talking and learning and so curious. Getting into things and bringing such joy to our lives. I love her so much, I ache for her. I want her back.

I know others don't understand and want to see me 'better' but that doesn't take away the pain, the ache and need for my daughter. Some have even had the nerve to suggest that having another baby will take away the pain. I know it won't. It can't. I will always ache for my daughter, for Amy Dawn, for the life we should have had with her, for the dreams that were cut short.

I love you Amy Dawn, I hope you know it, please remember your Mommy and Daddy, please know how much we love you. We would have saved you if we only knew how. I am so sorry Baby. I love you so. Please remember our love for you and our time together.

Mommy

I will be with you one day. I lost my son at 20 weeks into my pregnancy. He died, and I did not even know it. I went to my 5th month check up, and the DR could not find the heart beat. I was joking saying I think I gained too much weight - can't hear it through the fat. So he did an ultrasound. I thought for sure nothing is wrong.

I knew I was going to die when I realized that he was not moving. Just last week we had an ultrasound and he was moving so well and his heart was great.

We did all the tests - amnio and all. This was it. He was the one after 4 painful miscarriages. We had made it to our 20th week. DR say's no problem now. Then I was in a dream I could not move. I wanted to say no - no it's a lie. The machine isn't working right.

I had to make myself get up and walk out. It was like slow mothion. I think I was in shock. The DR said I could go home and wait for labor to come on or be enduced the next day. My husband and I walked in the park in disbelief that night. We have loved this baby even before he was conceved.

I thought i can't go on with my boy dead in side of me. (I to this day wish that I had waited for labor to come on naturally. I could have held him in my tummy that much longer.)

So the next morning I was at the hospital being enduced at 7 am in the morning. I ask the DR when I got there please, please look for his heartbeat one more time. But he refused said it would be a waist of time.

So after 10 hours of labor, and I was pushing - Oh, God how can you let this happen.....then my son Christian Michael was born an angel. The DR was not there for the delivery just a nurse. I guess it does not matter when your baby is not alive.

This was the first time this happen to us I did not know my rights so there goes the nurse putting our son in a water basin and placing him in the bathroom until the DR gets here to see him. I was so weak and sick. Why did they not tell me I could hold my baby bond with him take a picture?

Three hours later my blood pressure was dangerously low, and I was bleeding so bad they could not stop it with drugs. I had to go for an emergency surgery.

By the time, I got back my baby was gone - gone from me for ever. I was sent home the next day with my arms empty and my heart brocken. All I had was a book.

God they should tell you that your milk well still come - even when your baby dies. I think the day my milk started coming was the day I almost lost it.

My son gone why???? We were so anxious and excited to be your mommy and daddy. I well always regret not being able to hold you in my arms.

I can't go back to my DR now. I think I blame him for all my problems.

What is wrong with me? What did I do to lose so many babies? What would you look like now Christian your birthday is coming. My lil angels I will be with you one day.

Love, Mommy, Daddy, big sis Chante, and big brother Michael Angel
Christian Michael
July 15 2000
Stillborn
Turlock, CA
9/5/02

Lia was my first daughter, second child she was born on the 17th November 2000, funny enough my Grandmas Birthday.

My partner and my 3 year old son were very excited we were told it was a girl. We painted her room something that we had not done with our son, I painted some clouds around the top and put the cot up added the teddys and so on.

Two days after her due date I went for a routine appointment. There was no heartbeat. The midwives smiled and said it was the way she was lying but I knew and they knew too.

I was induced later on that night and 13 hours later I had my girl. I feel bad writing this but I closed my eyes as tight as I could. I couldn't bear to look at her. My partner held her and kissed her. I did not. I was too scared to pick her up as I know that I would not be able to put her down. I could not even look at her photo for 3 days. I think that I was in shock.

I held all the family together and told them it would be all right. I think that it was the only way for me to cope.

A few weeks later everyone had gone back to work and school. Life got back to normal. I went into the nursery and painted over my clouds. It sounds so silly but it was one of the hardest things that I had to do. It was like saying that it was all back to normal now. It was like she never was.

I fell pregnant in July 2001. I was so scared. A lot of my friends were pregnant and excited. I truly belived that mine would die so what was the point. I spent hours poking my belly in case it was dead {Lia died from the cord around her neck full term}.

I developed panic attacks, I convinced myself that all my family were ill that they were going to die from some illness.

All my doctors and midwives were great. I had plenty of visits and scans. These did help for a short time. Then it started again worrying about the next appointment.

The big day arrived. My mum came down to look after my son who knew nothing about this pregnacy. I couldnt let him down again.

I went into hospital to be induced on Thursday 11th April. I was so scared. My friends said that it was time to be positive, not that easy though.

The labour once it got going was as good as it can be. I kept crying and asking if she was dead. It was very hard but my midwife team were great.

Robyn Leigh was born 12th April she was 7lb 2oz and I could breath again.

I have only just put her into "Lias" room and that was very hard. I feel guilty. The clouds have gone and I have stuck up some flowers where the clouds were. We still slip up sometimes and call her Lia. People might find that hard to understand as she was never here but she was such a big part of our lives.

Now I have 3 children, and I Love them all. I just wish I spent time with Lia, the first smile, the first laugh.

I am not getting rid of memories just adding to them. I keep telling myself that but its hard sometimes. Sleep well Lia we all love you.

Mummy and Daddy

It has been two years since I lost my little girl. Well, I shouldn't say she's lost, because I know where she is. She's in Heaven with the Lord- she's home.

A year ago I sat down and wrote her a letter telling her how much I hurt and how I couldn't bear to live without her. Even after a year, I was completely heartbroken. I couldn't believe that she was gone. My life didn't make sense without her. She had been my whole world and I had to slowly rebuild my life without my baby.

Getting through the first year was the hardest. I spent alot of time alone. I isolated myself from my friends and stayed in my own little world with my haunting memories. It was when I truly faced my grief that I began to heal. Grieving is hard work. It's scarey to know your about to have a breakdown. There were days when I hurt so badly, I thought it was going to kill me. I did alot of crying, alot of praying, and alot of writing. Somehow I survived.

Looking back on the past two years I see how far I've come. I went from hating life and not wanting to get out of bed- to embracing life and smiling again. I had to get past the guilt I felt when I started to heal and move forward.

I know my daughter would want me to be happy no matter what. So I try to keep that thought with me daily. When I'm happy- she's happy. I know I never have to worry about her. She's in safekeeping. And most importantly, she's out of pain. I know she remembers her mommy and she's waiting for me to hold her again. I can't wait! I can look back on my memories of Madison and smile. I can still remember every tiny detail of my precious baby. I know I will never forget. Neither will my family.

Of course I still miss her dearly. And from time to time I will have a good cry. But most of the time I'm at peace. If I had it all to do again I would, just so we could be together again. I know she was meant to be in my life. She is my angel. She blessed my life in so many ways and I am a better person because of her. She is among the precious gifts that God has given to me. I know I will never get over this loss. I can only get through it. There will always be this void in my heart.

But I've learned not to dwell so much on the past. I cannot change it, I can only learn from it. I now look forward to the future and all that it holds for me. I've finally started to feel like a normal 23 yr. old. And I have so much more of a life to live. Madison is my strength. She's what keeps me going when I want to give up. I only hope I make her proud.

Words cannot express the love I have for my daughter. I never knew I could love someone so much. She's my best friend. She blessed my life for 26 weeks and then for 39 days. I heard her cry when she was born and I stared into her eyes when she passed away. I will never let go of her.

And even though she was not here long enough to make her mark on the world; she left her imprint in my heart, and there she will never be forgotten. So today, like everyday, I remember my little Maddie with love.

Hi Marcia Well here I am again with the birth and death of my baby girl fast approaching 2 years later. As I have told you before I have a 8 month old son now whom is precious to me.

However I find it hard just knowing the date that is coming so close. And yet no one seems to remember her anymore besides me. No one mentions her. And I need to, the pain hasn't stopped or gone away since I had my son.

This year I planted a tree at her graveside and a row of tulips. I am going to light her candle I received from the church this year and for christmas.

I suppose I come here so often to read stories and to vent some of my anger and just to share how I am doing. Thanks for this site and letting me share with each and everyone whom has read my story. I will be back again writing before this day arrives i am sure. I love and miss you, my sweet baby girl Gabrielle Mommy Loves YOU

My little angel was taken away on 21/7/2003. Her name is Dllie and she is always in my heart. I miss her very much. I can't talk to my mum because I don't want to upset her. I can't cope anymore. I write poems for my grief one of them is:

My Little Angel

I miss her very much.

You think it will never happen to you until it actually happens.

It was November 2001 when I got the news that I was going to become a mom. I was so excited, I love kids and always wanted a child of my own. I had wanted a boy as long as I wanted to be a mother.

My mother had a history of toximia. I had told them that both sides of my parents had problems with having babies. When I was three months I had an ultrasound confirming that I was going to have a baby boy. I was so excited.

I started getting sick around my fourth month. I started having lots of fluid; they told me that was normal so I could only believe what the doctors told me. My son was to be due two days after my mom's birthday.

He did not make it for my mother's birthday, but we did celebrate my sister's birthday with a funeral. They told me that he had died inside of me. I had just heard his heartbeat 2wks before my world came crashing down. I had had my baby shower that Thursday and the following Monday they told me that he would not get to come home with me ever. I was then told that I could have no pain medicine. I had to deliver him natural(36hrs of labor, I was 8mths).

The day I left the hospital all I had in my hand was a box of someone who could have become someone great. I am now 24yrs old and even though it's been two yrs. I still miss him. I sometimes get out the box that contains his memory and I smell his blanket just to maybe get a scent of him so I won't forget him.

Even though His father and I are not together (he was abusive). I have found a man who is truly wonderful. Even though I am scared I want to try to have another baby with this man. I know that Daniel would want me to move on.

I LOVE YOU baby boy. Mommy will never let you leave her heart.

Marcia's thoughts: You are very wise about the fact that Daniel would want you to find happiness with someone you love and plan another baby. You have grieved him and will always love him as your first born child. It is so special that you do have mementos to cherish from his short presence with you.