SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Miscarriage - Entries 2002

"Our Experience"

Angelic Kathleen" by Mums (2/11/02)

"Baby Angel McLeod" by Shauna (2/19/02)

"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98) and updates 2/15/02

"Baby Bauckham" by Sarah (2/23/02)

"Matthew's Birthday" by Tess (2/27/02)

“But, I did everything right.” by Wendy (4/2/02)

"The Beginning of the End" by Tanya (4/9/02)

MY LITTLE STAR" by Jennifer (6/17/02)

"Harley John" by Christina (7/30/02)

"Riley, 9/14/02" by Jen (9/14/02)

"GoodBye To Baby Destiny" by Cindy (10/7/02)

"'Alexandria' ~ I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday and I was so happy and excited but yet scared at the same time." by Sharon (10/8/02) GA

"Carole's Thoughts" by Carole (11/20/02)

Angelic Kathleen

I was just out searching the web and found this website. I read all these posts by women and there grief but see none from us guys. I wonder why. Maybe I am not the norm I guess.

What do you say when you lose a child like this to a miscarriage. My wife and I had tried for 5 years to get pregnent. She had some medical problems but in the summer of 97 she got pregnant. How wonderful it was for both of us. It was our first baby.

Things were going great until about 10 weeks, we went for an ultra sound and there was no heart beat. When they told us the doctor wanted to see us right away we new something was not right. We lost our baby, at the time she was 36 and me 38 so our chances of another baby were remote at best.

Needless to say Christmas that year was tough, and in our case she started to drift away from. I tried to be the comforting husband, I did my best to be there for her. We had a little service with the church to try and help with our grief. Well she began to drift away from me. She needed someone to blame and as it worked out I was the one. For no logical reason she blamed me and to this day she will even say that. But what happened was she continued to drift away, withdrawl from me and by March of 98 she separated from me, and then left me for a divorce in August of 99.

I was devastated. To this day it still is really hard for me to understand. It all started when she lost the baby. We had a great marriage to that point. In a matter of a couple of months, I lost my baby, my wife who I loved dearly, and my home.

To this day its still very sad for me to think about all those times, I just wonder what if you know. It still hurts so much, and I have to say, there are guys out there who feel the loss but there just afarid to admit it I guess.


Angelic Kathleen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98) and updates 2/15/02

Hi! I submitted a miscarriage story in 1998. It was called "Christian in 1998." Since then, our email address has changed. Several people email me about my experience and shared theirs with me. Since our email has changed, I have missed the opportunity to share and help others. Could you please change my email address on my story to the one given above?

Also, I have more good news. I have two beautiful daughters, Elizabeth, age 5, and Lindsey, age 2. We are expecting another baby. It's due in July. I'm 16 weeks. We've seen the baby on ultrasound. Everything is going well. I'll be sure to share when our new little one arrives.



Marcia's thoughts: I updated all of your wonderful and special entries. Thank you so much for sharing good news with me (and us!). It means so much to have you share this with me/us.

Let us know about your new arrival in July.

For Becky's thoughts: "..."To Christian Lee, Our Little Angel"(12/12/98); "I just received good news this week." (Future Pregnancy Issues... 1/30/99); and Lindsey Arrives 9/17/99!

"Christian in 1998" by Becky (11/30/98)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Baby Angel McLeod

We were all excited about the upcoming birth of our baby. I was 9 weeks and 2 days when I went to the hospital to make sure that everything was alright. That is what I had in my mind. I had test done, and the 2nd ultrasound to check everything. Our first real ultrasound where we could see our baby's hands and feet and face was only a week away. I really wanted to wait till then, but I also knew I should not wait and be checked out.

My heart sank to the lowest pit of my stomach when the Doctor came in and gently told us that there was no heartbeat and this was going to be a miscarriage. We had to decide whether to wait for a D & C or have it donE that day. We decided to have it done that day.

I felt like I was taking my baby's life, but it was already gone.

I never imagined it would be so hard, but it has been devistating. Sometimes it's hard to explain to your loved ones who really dont understand how you feel.

It's so nice to have someone visit you that has been through the same thing and that can help you know that's it's o.k. to be angry, upset, and that it takes time to heal from this.

I had to in my heart do something. I wanted to write a poem and didn't know how I could. That's really not my specialty. I asked God to give me something and just in a little time this is what He gave me....

Our Angel To Keep Us Safe

Your life was but a brief one
Just a little over 9 weeks
We were hoping that we would
See your tiny hands and feet.

We cried and cried for days
Not knowing the reason why
We asked the question over and over
Why Lord did our baby have to die

We prayed and prayed for the answer
And it took several days
But God said our baby has gone
To heaven with Him to stay

You would have been born on earth
In September the year 2002
But instead you were born in heaven
The day that God chose you
He only picks the special ones
And that day He came for you
So that daddy, mommy, and sister
Would have an angel too
We would really want to hold you
And have you here with us
But oh when we all get to heaven
Won’t that day be glorious

So we won’t say rest in peace
Or cry over a little grave
But we will have peace in knowing
That we have in Heaven, an angel to keep us safe

By: Shauna McLeod

To our Baby Angel McLeod
Born in Heaven February 12, 2002
Love daddy, mommy and your big sister
Shawn & Shauna McLeod and Sarah

I hope in some way this will help someone else.....To All our little Angels in Heaven. We can't wait to see you all, and see how really precious you all are.

Entry #2:

I just miscarried at 9 weeks 2 days last week. I have had a really hard time dealing with the loss of our baby. I was online trying to find some kind of comfort and found SHARE. Thanks to SHARE and all those who have shared their story, I can go on and remember our precious angel. We lit a candle in memory of our baby angel mcleod.

I wanted a way to help me heal from this and wanted so bad to be able to put my feelings in writing. I am not a person who writes poems, my beautiful 15 year old daughter is....I ask God to help me with something I could write and help me and maybe even others and this is what he gave me......(Then the beautiful poem above...)

Marlina Shyanne by Shauna 3/14/04 New Arrivals

Shawn & Shauna
Baby Angel McLeod
Dunn, N.C.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Baby Bauckham

Some of you may have read our story about Joe. Well I thought it might help me to write about the miscarriage I've just had.

I was six weeks gone when on the Friday as I was getting ready for college I found I was bleeding, not just slightly but very heavily. It came completely out of the blue and when I told my husband his first response was don't be silly. I suppose I was shocked at his response especially as he went onto to say im busy right now I can't do anything about it.

Looking back it was his defense mechanism kicking in.

I tried burying my head in the sand and went to college. I had no cramping or pain so I assumed it was a threatened miscarriage. Although I knew the only one i was fooling was myself.

I went to the dr who told me to rest up and see what happens. I had to have a scan three days later and they told me there was no baby. It had all come away but they were concerned with the amount of bleeding so kept me in for 3 days. The bleeding did subside a little but as of this moment in time its still there.

I know this has gone on a bit but it has helped me to write it down. I know there are plenty of other people who have had more tragedy than me and if they can get through it then I'm sure I can.

Thank you for reading (in my original story about joe I mistakenly put that Jack was born 1 year and 5 days before Joe, in fact it was after Joe had died). SARAH
Baby Bauckham
8th feb 02

"Our son Joe , Newborn Loss 1999" by Sarah (1/6/02)


Marcia's Comments: Dear Sarah, As I am reading this, I might suggest checking with the doctor again. I think you bleeding should be over by now. If you are bleeding at all it should be spotting - not any more. You could call your doctor or find another doctor to check you. Sometimes tissue can be in the uterus that keeps you from totally healing so the bleeding would continue.

You have suffered two losses and that is very hard to cope with. I am glad you have baby Jack, but, as you know, he does not replace your two special babies you have lost. I am glad you have come to the site for some support. I will post this with your other entries and you will be able to go there from our Sharing Stories "Recent Entries" page. Look for it tomorrow.

We each have our problems and our burdens. Sharing them helps us to survive the pain. By nature we are survivors and with support we can make it through our trials.

Entry #3- 2/28/02

I feel compelled to write and thank you for a wonderful site. It has helped me to grieve for my babies. i have read "Matthew's Story" and it made me sob because I knew exactly how she felt. As we all think we all do. Some days it still feels like a dream, that it happened to someone else.

Just after Joe died I found this poem:

In a baby castle, just beyond my eye
my baby plays with angel toys
that money cannot buy

Who am I to wish him back
into a world of strife,
No, play on my baby,
You have eternal life.

At night when all is silent
and sleep forsakes my eyes
I'll hear his tiny footsteps
running to my side.

His little hands caress me,
so tenderly and sweet
I'll breathe a prayer and close my eyes
and embrace him in my sleep.

Now I have a treasure
that I rate above all other
I have known true glory
I am still his mother.

I dont know who wrote that poem but i love it and i thank them for it.

My deepest gratitude to you Marcia. I truly would be lost without you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Matthew's Birthday

April 20,th would have been Matthew's Birthday and I'm not sure how to cope with that.

I think that my family thinks that Iam nuts because I did buy a pacifer for him for Christmas and hooked it to his stocking that I had gotten him before I miscarried.

I really don't have a way to say goodbye. There is no grave to decorate, there is no stone nothing to show that he was here other than the pain that was left behind for me.

I have talked about having another child but with being 37 years old it isn't easy. I have a 10 year old son which I had a hard time carrying. Then it took two years to conceive Matthew. An event that wasn't suppose to happen because I wasn't ovulating. Now Iam battling with these other issues please pray for me. Tess

Matthew Robert Arrowood
Aug 2000...Due Date April 2001
Jackson, Ohio


Marcia's Comments: Not saying "good-bye" is something that can keep you from healing. In the Main Drop Down Box is a section "Funeral, Memorials, Lasting Memories" that addresses saying good-bye. Yes, there is no grave but there are ways that we can say good bye - knowing all the while that these special babies will be forever with us. Closure can come from planting a bush in Matthew's memory, making a "memory box", even buying one of our keepsake bricks (see Angel Memorial pathway) for your own garden or somewhere special in your home. I have two little ones in heaven that I lost before I ever held them. I hold them dear to me with small treasures. We have more ideas under "Coping Ideas".

Your family doesn't and may never understand your pain and feelings. You must do for you those things that will help you. You are responsible for YOU. I have had many moms share similar feelings and things that they have done for their baby. You will heal - Matthew would want that for you. It takes time and work, but you can do it. As you will read under "Holidays, Anniversaries, and Due Dates" (Main Drop Down Box), these times bring up feelings and doing special things at these times is normal and healthy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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“But, I did everything right.”

I knew a week before the test confirmed that I was pregnant. I just had that feeling. My daughter had broken her arm and thinking I might be pregnant I was unable to hold her hand during her x-rays.

Because of problems with my first child and a second trimester loss of my daughter, Michelle, my OB/GYN saw me the day I missed my menstrual cycle. With my living daughter, Rachel and my previous pregnancy, I had low/no amniotic fluid. The doctors suggested a blood clot had formed, restricting blood flow from me to the baby. I was therefore put on heparin twice daily, injected. I was also immediately referred to another doctor for management of gestational diabetes. I was also then required to inject insulin four times daily. Needless to say, from the get go this was not an easy pregnancy. And yet, I was glad to do it, if in the end I would deliver a healthy baby.

The first time I saw the heart beat I was elated. For someone who has seen a sonogram without a heartbeat, there is nothing so precious than that little organ pumping as hard as it can.

As with all my previous pregnancies I was sick, really sick. And yet this sickness gave me courage. As long as I was sick then I was pregnant. I was 13 weeks on December 26. I saw a high-risk doctor who said all was going well so far; no sign of low fluid levels and a healthy heart rate. I was scheduled to see my OB/GYN in two weeks.

Around the 3rd of January I started feeling less sick. I can’t say I felt 100% better, but I was getting sick less often and to a lesser extent. I began to worry. For me morning sickness had continued until close to 20 weeks. I hoped that maybe since my last pregnancies had been girls that being less sick meant that we were having a boy.

By my next appointment (January 10), however I was really worried. When we entered the exam room, my doctor asked how I was feeling. I told her I was actually feeling fine but that I was worried about that she immediately sent me to have a sonogram.

Unfortunately I have seen enough of those pictures to know what I am looking at and I knew. My husband kept telling me just wait, they are still looking, you don’t know. But I did. With tears in her eyes, my doctor said those words no women should ever have to hear. “I’m sorry, I can’t find a heartbeat.” The only thing I could think of was, "But, I did everything right.” The next 24 hours were a blur. I was scheduled for a D&C the next day. I made arrangements for my daughter to stay with her Aunt and my husband and I went home to wait.

After the experience of giving birth, even to a baby who is not alive, having to experience a D&C is horrible. It is a medical procedure. It is treated as such. Even with the most caring of nurses and staff, you are an outpatient, a procedure.

To make matters worse, I cry uncontrollably after any anesthesia, so needless to say they had a very hard time comforting me as awoke after the surgery. I recall vaguely a nurse telling me I needed to calm down and catch my breath. I think someone then pointed out why I was there and she changed her attitude. We were released and yet again I left the hospital without a baby in my arms.

The baby had not developed enough to determine physically the gender, nor was any genes able to grow in order to determine gender genetically. I decided, almost one year later to name the baby Aaron. I always felt he was a boy.

Because I felt this great loss of control, I did the only thing I thought I could control, find out why. I began a journey into the field of medical research. I was sent to neonatologist for blood work. I had a genetic study done by Emory clinic. I was sent to the best infertility and pregnancy loss doctor in the SE. After blood tests, a genetic family tree completed and of course the ever so much fun exploration of my uterus, what have they all determined? Not one doctor can tell why I lost my last two pregnancies.

It has been over a year now (2002). I am dealing with the losses in great part to the people of SHARE Atlanta. My worst grief comes from not know if I will ever be able to give birth to a living baby.

My husband is ready to call it quits. He does not want me to go through all the discomfort, sickness, shots, etc. and then loss another. He says he is not sure what would happen to me. I am not either. He has reminded me that I told him once, when I had been unable to hold anything and was feeling really sorry for my self during the pregnancy, ‘This is it. Win or lose, I can’t do this again. It is too hard!” Boy do I regret saying that.

Scot says our family is complete. We have a healthy, happy four year daughter who makes us laugh and fills us with pride. I am grateful for Rachel, I really am. And yet I ach for something that is not here; for something I fear is not within my reach.

Aaron Coleman
Atlanta, Ga


"It's okay Mommy. Don't Cry. Want me to kiss it?" by Wendy (Midterm Loss, Known Cause) (3/15/02)

Marcia's thoughts: Yes, you did everything right, but as we all have seen (and know) there aren't any guarantees in this world. I sure do know that if doing it right was it, we'd be able to sell a lot of "how to do it right" books and feel good about it. I agree with you, I wish that doing it "right" meant having what we want-and having a biological child doesn't seem like it should be such a challenge.

Instead we must guide ourselves down the path of learning to cope with what we get from life as we give it our best - I thank God that we are survivors by nature or we'd never make it past the first year of life.

As we have said so often in the group and on this site, we do the best we can most of the time and have to pick options that keep us going. I appreciated the sharing we did last week, with several others from our local group - looking at having one child or deciding on another life plan for adding to our families. I think we could have hundreds of "mini" meetings to consider options, paths, and come to grips with what we have to do - or not do - which ever. The topic of that evening is so very important. I guess we do have "mini" meetings when we "brainstorm/discuss" things together.

The question to try again, what if we don't make it again, plus risking your health - all hang heavily in the balance of your decision. Coping with our grief and finding the right path takes an immense amount of energy and ultimately - time. Rachael is indeed a blessing. I know I look at our two sons and am still amazed - even now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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The Beginning of the End

I got pregnant about ten days after I got married. Our pregnancy wasn't planned and I was scared. I was only twenty.

When I looked at the pregnancy test after I'd noticed how tired I'd been and it was positive I cried. I was shocked and excited all at once. In a few days I started to get used to the idea. My husband had just changed jobs so we were waiting on health insurance before I saw the doctor. I felt guilty about this.

We started having financial problems and I got upset one day and I told my mom on the phone that I wish I wasn't pregnant. I still feel guilty about saying that. I yelled for days after the miscarriage that I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it!

One morning I woke up and found a little bit of blood on the toilet paper. I called my mom but the phone was busy. I called my mother-in-law at work and she made me an appointment with her doctor. I called my mom again and she asked if I wanted her to come with me to the doctor. I said it didn't matter because I was so worried about the baby, so she didn't come and I wish she had. I had a hard time getting a hold of my husband because he worked out at different job sites and he didn't have a cell phone. I left a message at the office and told them it was an emergency. My husband and my mother-in-law went with me to the doctor.

I told the doctor July fifth was the first day of my last period. When he did the ultrasound he said it looked like a seven week baby instead of a ten week. He told me I probably just remembered my period wrong but I knew I was right because I rembered not feeling well on the fourth of July. The doctor told me the baby looked a little misshaped and said I might be having a miscarriage.

They did blood tests to find out if my hormone count was dropping and if it was I was going to miscarry. They did the first test on Monday and the second on Wednesday we were suppose to know by Friday. I went home and stayed in bed. I continued to bleed almost like a period. The doctor said they wouldn't know anything until Friday.

Thursday night my husband and I were watching T.v. together. He was supposed to be at school but he didn't go. He told me they canceled it. I didn't really believe him because I knew he was worried but I didn't say anything. All of a sudden I felt blood coming out so hard it went through my pad, underwear, sweats and onto the chair. I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet for a while, while my husband called our parents. He had me get in the shower and run hot water on my stomach so it wouldn't hurt. I saw so much blood I had to sit down in the shower (I faint easily). I knew what was happening. My husband noticed some type of tissue in the toilet and he flushed it. My husband flushed our baby down the toilet. It upset him very badly. We didn't know to save the tissue.

Soon my mom arrived and we went into the ER. The lady at the reception desk got in a loud argument with my husband. She was very rude. They put me in a wheelchair but they took so long getting me in there I felt something coming out of my body as I was sitting there. After I got to the room they took a lot of blood tests. I hate needles.

I think the hardest thing was hearing a newborn baby, who was there for something cry and cry and cry. It made me cry because I knew I would never get to hear my baby cry.

It's been about 8 months but every once in a while I get hysterical. I had surgery for cysts on my ovaries and I think worrying about that delayed my grief.

Tomorrow was my due date and I've been acting like a complete lunatic today. I just cry and scream and cry and sometimes throw things when no one is around. I'm afraid to tell anybody I'm upset because I'm afraid they'll laugh at me and say I should be over it by now. Do you have any advice?

Dessiree Irene Bush
Ceres, California


Marcia's comments: You also might look at our section "Anniversaries, Holidays, and DUE DATES" because coming up on the due date of your baby can cause additional grief. All of the reactions that you share are very normal reactions after what you have been through. As I write in much of what I have suggested you to read, giving yourself "permission to grieve" is very important - especially after an early loss. We try to pretend that it didn't really happen. Then due dates, holidays, the year anniversary always calls it back into focus. Others forget, mom (and dad, too) doesn't forget. Mom usually MUST orally through "concrete" activities (mementos, talking, crying, etc.)work through all of the stages and paths in order to heal. Dad works through the grief, but usually in a very different way.

You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I took a pregnancy test on the day my period was due, I didn't really need to take it as deep down I knew I was pregnant. I have to admit that I didnt know what to do or say when the result was positive as it was my fourth pregnancy. I have a daughter who is three now and the two other pregnancies ended at thirteen weeks.

After I had recovered from the initial shock I phoned my partner at work to tell him the news. He didn't know what to say, we had only been together for three weeks and both have children from previous relationships.

A couple of weeks went past and we started to think of names to call our baby. We both had had time to get used to the idea of having another baby and we started to look forward to it.

I booked an appointment to register my pregnancy with my doctor and everything was going fine, untill I slipped in a shopping centre and started to get pains low down in my stomach. I know I must sound silly but I just hoped it would go away. I was so scared of going through the pain of having another miscarriage.

My partner talked me into seeing my doctor. When the day came I was terrified, I went alone into his office and told him that I was experiencing period like pains. He sat back in his chair and looked at me. He said that one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage and that there is nothing you can do apart from put your feet up and relax. He handed me a prescription for folic acid and he told me to wait until Ive seen the midwife.

A couple of days passed and the pain got worse. I made an appointment to see another doctor and he sent me straight to the hospital to have a scan. All of my fears came true when I saw the doctors face when she looked at her screen. She looked at me and said Im so sorry to tell you this, she didnt have to say another word. I knew what she was going to say as I remembered her reaction when she broke the news the two times before.

I felt empty, sad, angry and completely lost. I kept thinking why has this happened to me? I'm not a bad person, why can't I carry full term, I've done it before? What have I done wrong?

I would have prefered to miscarry naturally but the pain was too intense, physically and mentally. I just wanted it over so I could try to get on with my life. I lost my baby at seven weeks and went into hospital at fourteen weeks.

When I came out of hospital I felt so empty and alone. I still feel it now. Since then I successfully carried a baby full term and gave birth to my daughter Olivia Jane on 20/02/2002.

I would just like to say I'm sorry that I couldn't give you a chance at life my little star. I never met you but I miss you. Although mummy has had another baby, I will never forget you. You're in my heart forever. xx Jennifer H


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Harley John

My boyfriend, Richard, and I were expecting our first baby together. We found out on July 16, 2002 that we were going to have a baby. As this was an unplanned pregnancy, lots of different emotions surfaced for me, but as I watched the joy he was experiencing, I too became ecstatic about it.

A few days later I had a doctor's appointment to confirm my due date - March 21, 2003, the first day of spring, when life springs anew.

About a week and a half later, I woke up bleeding and called the hospital. We went and the doctor's confirmed what I feared - I was miscarrying our baby. We were both anguished. All the hopes and dreams I had for our baby were gone, or so I thought.

Then somebody told us that even though I was only 7 weeks pregnant it was still our baby, and it was normal to be upset that it had died. Unable to determine the sex of the baby at that early stage, we decided to name our baby a name for either boy or girl. We named it Harley (we both like motorcycles!!).

So, even though Harley is gone now, we are beginning to rejoice in the fact that Harley was a part of our lives, even if only for a few short weeks. Harley may not physically be here, but the memory still is. I like to picture Harley in heaven with perfect little wings, an angelic face, waiting to see Mommy and Daddy someday.

We love you Harley, and we miss you very much.

Harley John
July 25, 2002
Newport, Vermont

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Riley, 9/14/02

Just last week I was enjoying all the wonders of life. I am 27 years old, newly married, moving to a really nice neighborhood, and after only one real try, I was pregnant, and I couldn't have been more excited, scared, but mostly happy. I was never prepared for how quickly it would be taken from me.

I lost Riley on 9/14. It was very early in my pregnancy, so I don't know if it was a boy or a girl, though I have a feeling it was a boy.

If my husband knew I had a name for him, he would be very upset. He isn't handling this well at all, but men are different.

I cry every day. I know I will be ok and that there are other women who share in my pain. I just want to know that the next time, everything will be ok. And I know that no one can promise me that. But I have all the faith and hope in the world that this was a one time thing and that I will be welcoming a child into this world next year.

I have never wanted anything more than to be a mom. When I was growing up, even in my teens when people would ask me what I wanted to be, I always said a mom. Some people were less than thrilled at my response, but I think it was quite an aspiration and it still is. I think it is the greatest achievment in the world.

I am lucky to be a mom to an angel that I will think of everyday for the rest of my life. I know things will be ok. In time, I will have my hearts one true desire, a baby. Thank you for listening.

Inwood, NY


Marcia's Thoughts: I share your enthusiasm for being a mom. That is what I wanted to be most, too.

It took me more years than I wished, and three losses to achieve my goal that shifted to two living children (I had wanted four!). I have treasured being a mother very much. I see all of my children as being part of who I am today - and I feel as though I was a mother to each of them. Each required different efforts on my part and each will be remembered differently, but each has given their very own gifts... I have also given some of my "maternal" self in working with children and later with grieving parents. My prayer for you is to have living children and to cherish the memory of Riley forever.

Jennifer's second entry on 9/20/02

Thank you for your kind and heartfelt response. I took your suggestions and spent quite sometime on the website and contacting others with similiar losses.

The hurt comes and goes. I am glad someone shares in the eagerness of being a mother. I have high hopes for it. I am very greatful for your website which has been a constant comfort. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Marcia's response: The hurt will come and go for a long while and then will revisit you sometimes. The way we know that we are healing is when as the hurt comes to us, we can know that we have looked at the issue of grief and at the loss of our baby enough, so that this time we can say "no" to thinking about our pain. This take s time and effort on our part, but it is doable and we do survive our tragedy.

We gradually can bring bittersweet memories about our baby to our mind and hearts and know that they will be "forever in our hearts." Healing takes longer than most of us want to admit (even the "professionals"), but it does happen. Slowly we weave our baby's life into our ongoing life and know that s/he would want us to be happy and to move forwards.

Bless you as you work toward this goal. Know my thoughts are with you.

Thank you for YOUR kind reply.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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GoodBye To Baby Destiny

As I write this story I am still in disbelief and anxiously waiting to pass this lost angel. My story did not have a happy beginning nor does it have a good ending , what I hope for is by sharing the pain and grief that I am enduring may help someone out there who is going through this same experience.

I am forty one and the mother of three beautiful children and three healthy grandchildren. I also lost a baby at 12 weeks gestation in 1981 before my now 21 year old son and another one at 4 months 6 years ago.

This child was not planned and very unexpected. However after explaining to my partner that I could not go through an abortion, I chose to make all sacrifices and give it my best. I did alot of crying in the first few days. He left on vacation and was still not excepting this as he is the father of three older kids. He told me that he wanted me to do an herbal induction, but I could not bring myself to do this. I had allready experienced losses with my last marriage and knew that if it wasn't meant to happen than god would take care of it.

Today I wait alone in silence and as I look out at the mts with the sun shining so brilliantly a sense of peace comes to me and I realize that she will rest in heaven with all the other little cherubs that have been called away.

I give each and everyone of you the most admiration for giving these angels a chance at life rather than taking the abortion route as so many do. I will grieve this loss with just as much sadness and pain as I did with my other losses and hope for strength and courage to go through this terrible experience alone. I ask for many prayers to see me through this loss.

God Bless Cindy Destiny


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"'Alexandria' ~ I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday and I was so happy and excited but yet scared at the same time."

My name is Sharon and I am 26 years old. I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday and I was so happy and excited but yet scared at the same time.

I had started bleeding, and I went to the hospital because I haven't been feeling well. After a series of tests, the dr. came out and told me that the sac was 11 weeks along and the baby stopped growing at 5 weeks.

I was so numb from the medicine that they gave me for pain and nausea that I couldn't cry and I think that hurt the worst.

My dr. tried to get me to pass everything with medicine and that didn't work. I ended up having a emergency D&C on Thursday night.

I thought that I finally had gotten over everything but then I looked on this site and I realized that the pain and hurt is still here. I think that no matter what I did for 6 weeks the baby was dead. No matter what foods I avoided, or all of the extra rest I got, it didn't matter.

Smyrna Georgia


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Carole' Thoughts

I was pregnant with my second child for 2 months when O had a miscarriage. We were on vacation in Tennessee - we live in Michigan.

It was the hardest thing in the world for me to get over. It has been over 2 years now, but I always think about it and wish for another child for our family.

I already do have a beautiful 6 year old daughter that I thank GOD every day for giving me. I'm so very thankful for her. She has helped me get though this by seeing her everyday and knowing I do have a beautiful daughter to cherish forever. She is the gift there will ever be. I just tell myself that GOD does things for a reason. At least I'm sooo blessed with my daughter!

Sevierville, Tennesee


Marcia's Thoughts: I know that you are blessed to have your six year old daughter. All of our children are a blessing. You have had two blessings in your life and one can't replace or substitute for the other. Sometimes people make us feel as though we should not grieve for the one we lost or grieve too long, especially if we have had an early miscarriage, especially if we have a living child. Of course we love our living child, but we loved and wanted the one we lost, too. Then, it also becomes hard if we can't, for any reason, have subsequent child. We grieve that, also.

I hope that you have given yourself "Permission to grieve" the little one you loss. If you feel comfortable naming that little one, this often brings comfort to a mother. If you are not sure whether the little one was a boy or girl, you can do one of two things, pick a name that would work for both a boy or a girl or decide what you think s/he was and give your baby a name. Of course, you don't have to name your baby, remembering him or her is special, too.

Doing something with your daughter in memory of your baby also might be comforting. Please read about "Sibling Grief" on the site. If she knows about the baby then you could do something that she might like to do in memory of the baby. If not, you could think of something (like buying a toy or clothing for a child in a shelter or hospital - many churches and community groups are doing this during the holidays) and have her join you - just as a special thing to do to show our love for others. Doing things can often bring healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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