SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support My*Our Experiences

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

Midterm Loss Cause Known-2003-05

I expected to hear you cry or wimper

but nothing was heard.

And that's when I knew I truly loved you.

Angel Thelma Dianne
7 May 2001

Poems and Letters

"My Angel In Heaven" by Amy (1/17/03)

"Andrew, 10/22/97" by Susana 1/28/03

"Sophrona Susan Mosley, February 24, 2003" by Heather

"September's Rose of Sharon" by Christine (9/30/03)

"Waiting" by Jim (10/24/03) GA

"My story -" by Kim (11/18/03)

"I suffered a incompetent cervix at 19 1/2 weeks...I need support." by Nima (3/13/04) Atlanta, GA

"Grayson Wade Pike" by Jennifer (3/23/04) GA

"Our Baby Boy "Baby Rowan" June 3, 2004" by Christy Rowan (7/04 Atlanta, GA)

"In memory of our 3 precious girls born July 14, 2004" by Suzanne (8/2/04 Atlanta, GA)

"Tyson Christian Lowe ~ 01 September 2004" by Cherona (9/9/04)

"Grace ~ August 26, 2004" by Tiki (9/9/04)

"Emmie Jane" by Mindy (2/23/05) GA

"Too Early for Emily" by Lauren (12/20/05)

"My angel, Kennedy Michelle, February 10, 2006" by Tracy (3/15/06)

"My Angel In Heaven"

Our journey began on December 08, 2002 when I was admitted to the hospital and was told I had placenta previa. I didn't know what it meant, but I already didn't like the sound of it.

Two days later I went in for another ultrasound and that is when i found out I was having a little girl. I was so happy to know that my son would have a little sister to love and protect. Everything was going well until January 1, 2003 when i woke up at 5am with sharp pains in my lower back. I knew from having my son that i was in back labor. I was only 22 weeks along tho so i thought i was imagining things. Oh how i wish it was all in my imagination.

I called the hospital about 1 hour away from me and was told to go ahead and come in and get checked out but it was probably nothing. I arrived at the hospital about 930am and was hooked to the moniters.

There was problems keeping track of my daughter's heart beat and no contractions showing up and the lab work said i had a possible urinary track infection so i was sent home with a antibiotic.

Around 5pm that night i was in so much pain I called my doctor back. I was told that you should expect cramps for the first 24 to 48 hours of a UTI. Around 840pm that night I went to use the bathroom and something didn't feel right. I reached down and felt my daughters head and little hand coming out. I kept my hand there while I was screaming at my parents to call 911.

I went on the front porch for cold air as i waited for the ambulance to arrive. The first responders arrived and the pain hit and i was helped into a laying down position. I am not afraid to admit i was screaming my head off yelling "my baby, my baby".

Just as the ambulance was arriving i delivered my little angel. I was told she was gone and my heart shattered into to many pieces to count. I felt so numb on the way to the local hospital 20 minutes from my house.

Once I was stabilized, my mom informed the nurse that i was not leaving until i saw my daughter. Apparantly everyone thought i had already seen her.

She looked like a little angel, all 12 inches and 1 pound with blonde fuzz. I was under the impression that after the autopsy that the hospital would take care of her so i said my goodbyes to her thinking that was it.

The next day i received a phone call on my cell and it was the coroner informing me that the hospital was misinformed and that because of my daughter's age we needed to pick a funeral home. I had my mom do that since i was a crying mess.

We recieved the autopsy report and the final diagnose was "acute diffuse chorioamnionitis". Im still researching what that is tho.

Her official cause of death is listed as premature delivery due to premature labor. To make matters worse our local paper listed it in the Fire Call section as a spontanous abortion which since i live in a really small town we started getting comments back about i must of had a abortion go wrong. I know myself what a S.A. is but the rumors just added onto the! grief.

So just when i think things are going better something is said to change it. This was not the way i wanted to spend the first day of 2003 but i am glad to have got to know my daughter as well as i did before hand.

I will always miss her but I know she is in a better place and is waiting for me when my journey here on earth is done.

But I wish I nor anyone would ever have to experience what I along with others have already experienced. My prayers and thoughts are with every parents and relative as they experience this difficult time.

Karina "Kari" Joy Ann Bledsoe
Montesano, WA

Marcia's thoughts: Having our babies come so early is very tragic. It is hard when this happens at the hospital after we have arrived. To have them delivered, as you did, at home in a very uncomfortable setting adds to the tragedy. The moms in our group who have had this happen feel much as you do. I have two in our group right now who didn't make it to the hospital. Both had to deliver their baby pretty much on their own.

Please be gentle with yourself as you work through all of this pain and confusion. I believe that our moms and dads do so much for their baby - often with no preparation. We love our babies so much. Know that difficult dreams and unsecure feelings often - not always - go hand and hand with all that has happened to you. It all seems so unreal that I think our dreams try to bring some closure to the experience.

I am glad your mom was there to make sure you saw your baby. A very wise woman she is..

You might check our Medical Section for this infection. I believe we have links to some sites that may help you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Andrew, 10/22/97 "

My name is Susana, and I had lost my son in October 1997. He had Hydrocephalus. They never found out how it happened or why.

I grieved for a very long time, and now I am scared to have another child. I am scared because it could happen again, and I can't bare going through another loss of a child.

His name was Andrew, and was suppose to be due in Feb of 1998 but he was a still born. He's in a better place, but he'll always be my first born, and will always be in my heart.

Orange, CA

Marcia's comments: Being afraid to have another child after a tragic loss is normal. Parents need to first work through their grief around their loss of their baby then they need to think about subsequent choices. Most often, parents go on to have another child. There child who died will always be important and special, but, for most parents, the wish to have a living child is real and important, too.

Some parents fear that having another child will make them forget their child who died. We talk about this in our groups. We talk about the fact that this special child will always be a child of our hearts.

Then there is the fear that a loss will happen again. It can happen again, but it doesn't usually happen again. In our groups and on the site under "Subsequent Pregnancy Menu" we discuss ways to make ourselves feel as secure as we can around the next pregnancy. There are no guarantees, but there are steps we can take to ease our path. Finding a doctor who will support us in our next pregnancy is a very important step. That doctor must know everything about our last loss and understand that this WILL BE STRESSFUL for us. We most likely are going to need a lot of hand holding, tests, and reassurances.

We also discuss finding all we can about the reason our child died and talking that over with a high risk doctor, if that is doable. I believe that you have reason to be able to do this with a doctor in your area. He should be able to tell you a great deal about a possible next pregnancy and how they will "treat" you to help you through it.

We offer a local subsequent pregnancy group for our parents because we understand the intensity of a parents' needs during the next pregnancy. There is help online, too.

Some of our parents have opted for adoption and have had good experiences, for the most part, with that path. A few have chosen careers such as nursing or foster care instead of becoming a parent again.

Being scared is, unfortunately, normal, but please don't let fear hold you back from being a parent if you would like to try again. Find other parents who have tried again (see our NEw Arrvials section or our Sub. Preg. section) and ask them what it took for them to "get there." I believe that most everything we do in life has its difficult times. Finding choices and options that help you to get to what or where you want to be is important. Gather the information and then make an informed choice. There are doctors who spend their lives helping people become parents and groups who will support you as you move through the pregnancy or who help you make a choice that is consistent with what you decide is important for you.

My son was anencephalic (had an undevelped brain), I had to miscarriages (before my living children), and I have two living sons who are fine. Yes, I was scared and yes, there were no quarantees, but I am glad I have had all three of my sons and my two other "girls" in heaven. Each one is special in his own way. I thank the group, the doctor, my family, and God for making it possible for me to try again so that I could experience all I could during my lifetime. Hopefully, there are choices for you, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Sophrona Susan Mosley, February 24, 2003"

Hello. My Name is Heather. My story starts when I found out I was pregnant in November on 2002. My husband and I was so excited to be having our third child. My pregnancy was very normal and everything seemed to be fine. I had an ultrasound early to date the pregnancy, and everything looked fine. We found out that our baby was due on July 4th. How neat was that, our little firecracker!

Everything continued on as normal. We even had the AFP test done, and that came back normal. It wasn't until Valentine's day, at my 20 week ultrasound appointment that we found out something was wrong! We went in for the ultrasound expecting to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, and what we found out devistated us and changed our lives forever.

We were told that there was little or no fluid surrounding the baby, and so my doctor sent me the the maternal fetal medicine specialist for a level II ultrasound. We were unable to get an appointment until the following Monday, so you can imagine how long of a weekend we had. I went and had the level II ultrasound and was told that in order for them to tell what the problem was, I would need to have an amnioinfusion. So the next day I went in and they injected fluid into my sac much like they do an amniocentesis. After they finished they did another ultrasound, and determined that my daughter had had no kidney function, and that it was incompatable with life. We were devistated. We had to them make the heartbreaking decision to have an early delivery at 21 weeks.

Our daughter was born to Heaven on 2/24/03 weighing 1 pound 2 ounces. She was so tiny, but perfect.

It wasn't until after the autopsy that we found out that she had what is known as Potters Syndrome type II. That is where the kidneys develop, but they are filled with cysts, so they do not produce urine. It is a very rare disease, and this type of potters is considered to be a "fluke".

This has been very hard to deal with, and I miss my Sophie so badly.

Sophrona Susan Mosley
Stillborn/Midtern, Potter's Syndrome
Indianapolis Indian
June 15, 2003

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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September's Rose of Sharon

At 40 years of age, all my dreams came true. I married a beautiful man who was the father of a great 10 year old boy AND to add to my joy, we found out we were going to have a baby.

When my friend passed away of breast cancer over the summer, I began thinking how much she had meant to me, and how I might pay tribute to her by naming my daughter after her. I believed my baby was a girl from the moment of conception, despite my new husband and stepson's insistance that it was a boy. I was excited to find out for sure (even though I was sure it was a girl.)

When the doctor first called me to tell me that my AFP Test came back abnormal-showing that I was at a very high risk for two different chromosomal abnormalities, I thought there was definitely a mistake. There was no way God would burst my bubble like this. It was just a test to see how much I really wanted this baby, I thought. I had experienced a fleeting moment or two of anxiety because everything was happening so fast. Maybe this was just a wake up call, reminding me how much I wanted this baby.

We went for a level II ultrasound a week later. The doctor who performed the test seemed extremely pessimistic to me from the get go. She began flooding my brain with information about Trisomy 18 babies who die shortly after birth, who doctors refuse to treat due to their prognosis, who may have any number of defects...aminiocentesis was could cause complications at birth....the femur measured a bit small....the left foot looked like it might be rocker-bottomed, the head shape was a bit abnormal- kind of scalloped in the front....yet, there was nothing definitive.

The doctor said she would do another ultrasound in 2 weeks. She wanted us to have time to make a decision about abortion- my mind was racing with all these horrible words and thoughts. We left feeling assaulted, to the point that I almost believed she was just trying to make money on us by convincing us to schedule an amnio. I went so far as to schedule my next appt. with another doctor in the practice.

I surrounded myself with positive people, prayer, the comforting words and reassurance by my husband and family- trying to will everything to be all right. We held hands and prayed the night before the second ultrasound- I was terrified.

When the sonographer put the wand on my belly- I noticed immediately that our nearly 19 week old daughter was very still. The sonographer went quickly over the chest area. I saw no heartbeat. She tried to cover it up- said she was taking a few measurements.

I began breathing more rapidly and looked at her. She went to get the doctor. The genetic counselor looked in and smiled. I told her something was wrong. She look puzzled. We waited for the doctor. I already knew when she told me. I was in shock- calm, emotionally removed.

We went home and made plans to have labor induced the next day at the hospital. The whole experience was surreal. I practiced my yoga breathing in preparation for labor, almost as though I had forgotten. I wanted to see my baby. I was obviously still in shock. I concerned myself with what needed to be done, rather than what had happened.

When it was all over, I focused on my physical health. I had some heavy bleeding, and I was surrounded with the support of family and friends. I felt lucky to have such loving people in my life.

Three weeks later, I am beginning to digest the whole thing. The shock is gone. I've had several bouts of crying, tantrums, and being impossible to live with. Thank God my husband hasn't run away from my unpredictable moods. I have great people in my life that I am thankful for.

Yet, there is a an overwhelming emptiness like I've never felt in my life. I miss my baby. I sometimes forget I'm not pregnant. I want to try again. But, there will never be another Sharon Rose.

Sharon Rose
Second trimester loss
Hartford, CT

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mommy and Daddy were so excited on the morning that mommy woke up with a high blood sugar reading, we both knew that could mean only one thing, we are going to have another baby. This would be the perfect addition to our family, also give big brother Caleb, someone to play with. We started making plans for your arrival. A January due date, meant it would be cold, when we come home from the hospital.

Now we play the waiting game. Counting the weeks, going to visit the many doctors that take care of mommy when you’re in her belly. It seemed to be going by quickly this time. We were trying to pick out a name for you. We were hoping for a baby girl, but a baby boy would be great. Then came the day that we were going to find out weather you were a boy or a girl and mommy and daddy were so excited on that day. We went in to get started, and all of a sudden, with a few words from the doctor’s mouth, our world stopped turning, and all our hopes and dreams came crashing down all around us.

The words I hope we never hear directed at mommy and daddy again, “your baby doesn’t have a heart beat”. With those words we were crushed into. The days to follow that day, crept and crawled by us, with many tears, and sad faces, covered with questions and concerns. Friends and family called, and sent cards with support, but nothing seemed to help lift us up.

So, we went to the hospital and you were born, a stillbirth they call it. It was a moment mommy and daddy will never forget. The birth of a child is supposed to be a celebration, when you came out, we were not celebrating. Your lifeless little, tiny body with what is supposed to be your life line, wrapped around your neck three times. Although mommy and daddies questions were answered, your life was taken from you so soon. Mommy and daddy held you and grieved for you.

We said a prayer for god to hold you for us, until we come to visit you in your new home. Mommy and daddy will not be able to hold you or play with you, or help you grow, but we will meet again.

So I can’t help but think of the word, waiting. Mommy and daddy were waiting for you to enter into our world, and now you are waiting for us to enter into yours. Or even better, we are still waiting, but to enter into your world.

We will miss you, we love you very much, and mommy and daddy will always hold you dear in our sadden hearts. Until we meet again, we love you our little angel. For us, you will be born when we meet in the Promised Land.

Kelsey Moon Sullivan
Miscarriage/midterm Loss, known cause
Atlanta, Ga.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My story -

March 9, 2003 I found out I was pregnant. Needless to say, we were thrilled. All was going well and after the 12 week mark I started to relax figuring I was "out of the woods". Every ultrasound and check up was fine.

Then I went to my ob/gyn for my 20 week checkup. I found out I was having a little girl. She had her full check up and everything was perfect. Then the doctor could not see my cervix. My cervix was incompetent and could not hold the weight of Alexa.

She was born July 4, 2003 at 9:54 p.m. when all of the fireworks were going off. The rest of the world was celebrating and my husband and I were dying inside.

We did get to hold Alexa for a short time and I could not believe this was happening. She is my little Angel and will always be.

We are now pregnant with twins and I am petrified that I will not be able to keep these little ones. I fear that god will take them away from me too. I just pray that I will get to bring them into this world. I am counting on Alexa to watch over them as they grow inside of me.

I am just an emotional wreck and am so confused. Thanks for listening.

Alexa Marie
July 4, 2003
Stillborn/incompetent cervix
Denville, New Jersey
Nov. 18, 2003


Marcia's thoughts: Kim, your fear and uncertainty during this pregnancy is very normal. That is why we have a subsequent pregnancy group and why there is a section on our website for Subsequent Pregnancies. (see Main Drop Down Box). I have two (one is active the other person's diary is ready to begin) subsequent pregnancy diaries going right now on the site. You might like to read them (there are four that are already completed with successful babies!). You can email Sakina or Christie and support them and they will support you. Sakina has a creclage for incompetent Cervix. I will include your story on our pregnancy page, also, so maybe someone will connect with you there. Please know that we support you fully.

You are also coming up on the sixth month mark after a loss and the holidays (and just past your due date?) - all are very hard (read about the sixth month under Sharing Stories, Month to Month and the Holidays and due dates under Holidays, Anniversaries and Due Dates.) You have the reality of you loss tied with the hormones and fear of being able to carry these babies. You can make it through this time, but please be gentle on yourself. Don't expect too much of yourself - take care and listen to your doctor if he recommends bed rest. Sidelines, a group for moms on bedrest, can help you here...there is a link to them on the site.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I suffered a incompetent cervix at 19 1/2 weeks...I need support.

Dear Marcia,

I have been reading through your site. I had to terminate my preganancy at 19 1/2 weeks. My cervix dilated and my water broke. I had to be induced because I was told if I did not terminate the pregnancy that the baby and I would die of infection.

It was very hard to lie in the hospital for two days and feel my baby kicking inside of me and know I had to give birth to him and he would die. I have a son that is 19 months old and he was born at 36 weeks. I was told initially there is a possibility that with my second pregnancy that the child may come a few weeks early, but I never expected to lose a child in the middle of my pregnancy.

I gave birth to him on 3/1/04. I came home to my beautiul son and he is helping me to get through this but I miss the baby I lost and I miss being pregnant.

I know so many people who are having babies around the time mine would be born. It is very difficult right now to talk to anyone but my family. I feel alone and sometimes like a failure to my child.

I have been told I have cervical incompetence and to have a cerclage with my next pregnancy. I feel guilty for thinking about even getting pregnant again but sometimes this gives me hope. I feel better yet very nervous that if I even tried I could lose another child. Also,I do not want my 19 month old to feel like I am not spending time with him. He and I do everything together.

I have to see the doctor again in a week and I dread going back their office and seeing so many pregnant women as well as the fact this visit will bring back alot of memories.

With time will these feelings of failure, fear, lonliness even though so many are around you go away? I still see my son's face and miss him very much. I feel very helpless right now. Any advice would be appreciated.


"The roller coaster ride and control issues..." by Nima (4/21/04) Grieving and healing...

"SHARE Atlanta's support meetings helped get me through some pretty hard times..." 10/04 SHARE Atlanta's meetings help and healing is happening. GA

20 weeks/incompetent cervix Atlanta, GA


Marcia's comments: The feelings and reactions that you share are all normal for those of us who have experienced a loss of our baby. We share these online and in our groups.

We feel like we have failed our children because we are the mommy and we should be able to protect our babies. What we share in our groups is that we have done the best that we can....that loss of control is part of all of this. We have NO control when these things happen and grief causes loss of control. We talk about how to regain a sense of control and how to protect ourselves during our subsequent pregnancy. Feelings of failure and worthlessness are a normal response in grief. But, we can work to regain a sense of hope and to heal after our loss. In our "mutual support" groups, we slowly work together to understand the grief process and how to regain our self-esteem and hope for the future.

We worry about our living children and struggle to balance our grieving with caring for them. It is difficult because of our pain. There is a section "Sibling Grief" on our site that discusses this process. Giving them time and giving ourselves time is very important.

Wanting another baby is most of our goals. We do not want to replace our child that we lost, but there is a level of hope in thinking about the possibility of having another baby. We talk about this on our site under Subsequent Pregnancy Menu. It is important to allow our bodies time to heal both physically and emotionally from our loss. We discuss this a lot in our groups and in April the topic of the month is Subsequent Choices. We talk about making medical choices and about caring for ourselves.

Incompetent cervix is a common reason for loss. The stitch is a good choice and bed rest often is tied to that choice. We have had many mothers deliver healthy babies after having the stitch.

But, it is very important to heal emotionally so we can give our subsequent child a healthy emotional environment. Six months to a year is a good length of time to wait before becoming pregnant again. It allows time for dealing with grief and discussing the "birth plan" for the next pregnancy. There is information about incompetent pregnancy under our Medical Links and under March of Dimes site.

Visiting the doctor after a loss is very difficult. Seeing other pregnant woman is difficult. These are things we never think about if we haven't experienced a loss. That is why groups such as SHARE Atlanta are so very important for parents. We understand these feelings and reactions and we offer support during this time. We find that we all feel this way and that with work to grieve we can heal and make our baby's presence in our life meaningful and special so that our child is PART of our life. I have had five children and all have helped to make me who I am today - three are in heaven and two are here on earth. But, it took time for me to work all of this into my life.

My women's group meets this Wednesday evening here at my home. The topic is Grief and Relationships...just what you are sharing about in your note. We will talk about our relationship with others, our baby, ourselves, and those we care so much about. Please consider joining us. I have a hug waiting for you....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Grayson Wade Pike

Our story begins three years ago, in 2001.

My husband and I tried to do everything the right way; first comes love, then marriage, then baby. We first got pregnant in October. Just as soon as we found out we were pregnant, we lost the baby on Thanksgiving day. At that time, I was diagnosed with a bicornuate uterus.

We decided not to have the uterus repaired but to try to become pregnant again, which we did in January of the next year-we had a miscarriage in February. At this point, my husband and I decided to have my uterus repaired. I had the surgery in March and what do you know in June I found out I was pregnant again. And what do you know, I lost the baby in July.

After one more pregnancy lost, we decided to try one more time. In October of 2003, my husband and I got the news once more that I was pregnant. This time, we took a very aggressive approach to the pregnancy. I was immediately put on aspirin therapy due to a high clotting factor, and I was placed on daily progesterone shots.

I remember with each shot, thinking how the discomfort was so worthwhile. We also knew that God had blessed us with this pregnancy at just the right time. We were so hopeful that all would go well. Afterall, Christmas Day was my 12 week mark and with our past, we could not wait to see 12 weeks.

In January, I had a vaginal cerclage placed. I had not been diagnosed with incompetent cervix, but since we had made it this far, my Dr. did not want to take any chances on anything happening that could possibly be avoided. When I was 15 weeks, I had the cerclage and all went well.

The next few weeks were uneventful, but at 19 weeks, that all changed. I went into preterm labour and was put in the hospital until the contractions could be controlled. I went home with medicine for contractions and put on bedrest. At 23 weeks, my cerclage broke, my water broke and within 10 minutes Grayson was coming.

In the hospital, there was nothing my Dr. could do to stop what was happening. Grayson was had a strong heartbeat, but he was breech. Just when the neck was passing through the canal, my cervix decided to close just as strongly as they decided to open and it cut off the Oxygen supply to my poor son. He died nearly as soon as he was born.

It has only been 2 weeks, and I hurt so badly. I hurt for our past and I hurt for our future. My husband and I are the parents of five children, have only got to see one and ironically we live at home by ourselves. We want so badly to have a child here with us.

I know that I will grieve everyday for the babies we have lost. I feel that the only thing to make the grieving easier is to have a baby here with us, but at this point, I don't think my Dr. believes it to be wise for me to try again, because of many complications that occurred that evening at the hospital. My husband has also lost his will to continue trying.

When I wake up and when I go to bed everyday, I ask, is it my destiny to be childless? I do not blame God, nor do I question the work he does. I know that all that we have gone through is part of a bigger plan and knowing that helps me get throught our losses everyday, but I feel so desperately lonely in this situation.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I want everyone out there who has had to go through a loss how deeply I hurt for them as well. God Bless.

Grayson Wade Pike
March 9th, 2004
LaGrange, GA


Marcia's thoughts: I see that you are located in the Atlanta area. If you haven't already, call our number or email us, and we will send you a Parent's Packet from our local group. Enclosed in that are some brochures about grief and our groups (where they meet and when), a suggested reading list, and a “SHARE Atlanta” booklet with thoughts shared by our members about SHARE Atlanta and healing. You will receive a years subscription to our newsletter, at no cost to you.

Please know that you are not alone in your journey, others are ready to support you as you begin to cope and work through your grief. You have been through so much loss and confusion of knowing what to do. You did so much to protect your babies, and it sounds as though your doctor has been wonderful. We do the best we can as we are moving through all of this and you have really listened and worked at this.

Please know that is all we can do and that knowing that we have tried can - eventually let us know that we DID all we could, and we have no regrets on that side of the issue. So many of us have done so much in our parenting and, yes, our babies are in heaven, not living with us. It is so hard to understand that situation. Friends and family often do not and say very confusing things in order to help us.

It is so difficult to want a family, here on earth, and everything we do does not lead us to that place. Many of us in SHARE Atlanta, me included, have dealt with the feelings and fears that you are expressing. We always thought that if we tried hard enough, it could happen. And, why is having children around us, so hard when everyone else seems to 'there."

Youu are experiencing normal feelings and reactions...many are wrapped around the grieving process. We talk about that in the groups and online. I have several moms who are volunteering with me now who have been in a very similar place as you. Did you develop toxema or the HELLP syndrome at the last of your last pregnancy? Complications such as that can really cause us head problems as we think about the next pregnancy..or if there will be a next pregnancy.

I believe that working through your emotional grief is very important for now. All the turmoil from that needs to settle down for awhile, it can help us focus on "what to do" next. Please order our Parent Packet and if you would like me to, I think one of our moms who had the bicornuate uterus, the clotting factor and other issues would be most glad to either email you or chat with you.

We have parents who have had to look long and hard at alternative family making ideas - after they healed emotionally some. And, yes, healing does happen...with work and support. We offer support in all of this.

SHARE Atlanta's Angel Memorial Garden with memorial bricks to remember your babies is in Babyland in Arlington Memorial Park Sandy Springs. Many parents find it very healing to visit the garden. There is a memorial pathway for parents to include their special baby's name or loving thoughts about their baby (s) in either a memorial brick for the pathway or in a keepsake brick (for your home). You can see pictures of it on our site (under ***Angel Memorial Garden) and in our Parent Packet. You might have seen the article about our group and our angel in the Living section of Sunday, October 5, 2003 Atlanta Journal-Constitution. We have a link to it on the front page of our site and you will receive it if you order a Parent Packet.

We hold an annual memorial service each October at the angel garden. We also have a Women’s Candlelighting Service at our regularly scheduled Woman’s meeting on the third Wednesday of November. Another activity that we love is the Walk to Remember that we have during the annual March of Dimes walk in April. All of these activities and more are on our website and talked about in our newsletter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our Baby Boy "Baby Rowan" June 3, 2004

Hi there. I found out about SHARE Atlanta just a few weeks ago. I lost my baby boy on June 3rd, 2004 at 25 weeks pregnant. I am so sad and I do not know where to start. I will , however, begin by writing my story because somehow it feels better to let it out and this is the place to do it, it seems, since so many people are in the same grieving boat.

My husband and I found out we were pregnant on January 3rd , 2004 -"What a way to start a New Year" I thought. We were so excited. The due date was set for September 13th.

I had a miscarriage last year at 8 weeks so we also did not want to get too excited too soon and get our hopes up. After the "12 week/first trimester" was over we felt it was past the "mark" and it was safe to tell EVERYONE our news.

At 15 weeks pregnant, however, just as I was feeling GREAT (morning sickness was over and I was "glowing" ) I had a STROKE (31 year old healthy girl - STROKE? huh??). Was in the hospital having all sorts of tests done, (MRI, CT Scans, heart tests , blood tests, etc) and found out I have Anicardiolipin Antibody Syndrome (this is What Courtney Cox, after many miscarriages, has I recently found out) and needed to start taking blood thinners (Lovenox shots 2 x per day in my stomach as well as one baby aspirin per day).

Needless to say the baby seemed fine at this point. The stroke was triggered from the pregnancy (which was kind of a blessing in disguise or else we would not have known of my condition). The following week (week 16) I started seeing a high risk doctor. By the looks of the ultrasound he said everything seemed to be doing fine with the baby (even though we just started the blood thinner and unfortunately I should have been taking it the whole pregnancy, little did I know, again, until I had a stoke).

At the appt the following week (week 17) again, things looked great and we found out we would be having a boy ! We were on top of the world.

I went to my 23 week appt and things changed. The baby was not measuring correctly (should have been measuring 23 weeks, showing 21 weeks) and found out that the baby was not getting enough blood because the placenta was having some problems (this all has to do with the blood thinner I was behind the eight ball on - although it does not show placental problems until at least week 20 on an ultrasound - although the placenta develops at week 10 (which makes sense since "things seemed fine until after the 20 week mark).

The baby was still alive, however and we still had hope at this point that things could end up ok. The following week we looked again and the doctor said that the baby had gotten worse and that he may not make it by the following Tuesday (less than a week later) at my next appt.

We went Tuesday and he was confirmed dead (talk about a waiting game). There he was moving all around for 2 weeks while this was going on - how heartbreaking!).

Anyway, labor was induced June 2nd and we delivered June 3rd after 15 hours of PAINFUL labor (with no positive outcome and I was not allowed to get an epidural b/c my platelet levels were too low and it would not have numbed me).

I am , again, so so sad and just simply heartbroken. I plan to go to a support group (July 15) and am a little nervous because I do not know what to expect. With all the stories I have read though it makes me feel good to know that people say it was the best thing they could have done. Thank you for taking the time to read my story and I hope to get to meet you at some point.

Entry #2:

Hi Jennifer.

Secondly, I know it is early, but is there a date set yet for the 2005 Walk America. I am all for it, and have always donated , now I am even more so a supporter. Again, I know it is early, but I have LOTS of support and prayer in my corner and would LOVE to help for 2005, I guess it is not ever too early right?

Jennifer's answer: As for WalkAmerica, I’m not sure of the date yet, but it will be in the newsletter as soon as we know. We would love your support and participation. This year we had a huge turnout and fundraising total mostly because of one mom who rallied all her friends after her loss in September. This is a wonderful way for your family and friends to do something when there is not much they can do to help you.

Don’t worry about going to the meeting. We have all had to walk through that doorway the first time, and we all know how hard it is. You will be greeted with incredible love and support. Which meeting are you going to? I think our Women’s Group is on July 21.

Christy Rowan
Baby Rowan
June 3, 2004
Midterm Loss/Anicardiolipin Antibody Syndrome


In memory of our 3 precious girls born July 14, 2004

We have a daughter, Allie, who is 6 1/2. I always wanted for her to have a sibling. We started trying for #2 in August 2001. After a year I consulted my OB and an infertility specialist soon after. After many infertility treatments, it was determined that I most likely had endometriosis. I had surgery Dec. 2003 and completed in-vitro Feb. 13th.

We soon found out we were having triplets. That shock lasted several weeks. I was very sick throughout the pregnancy and had several hospitalizations and had my gallbladder removed. Slowly, things started looking up.

I was feeling a good bit better and we started preparing for the girls. We put our house on the market, started looking at larger ones, bought a triplet stroller (not an easy task), and traded in our new car for a mini van.

Life seemed good except for those unusual pains that never seemed to go away. The girls were growing and doing well despite all I had gone through. Ultrasounds never showed a problem.

Two weeks ago today I was taken by ambulance to Northside Hospital in constant excruciating pain. After two and a half days of every test known to man and every specialist you can think of, the doctors still had no answer. I was told Wed. morning that they would have to perform a c-section due to my internal bleeding so they could find the source.

I asked if the girls would die and was told yes, they would. Despite all my pain, I realize now I was the lucky one. The medication left me groggy and unable to realize the magnitude of what was happening. My husband, parents, and sister were with me bearing the pain for me.

Maggie, Bella, & Elyse were born July 14th at 3:02 and 3:03 p.m. at 23 1/2 weeks. We were able to hold them, have their pictures taken, and have them baptized. They stayed with us in my room for several hours. The hospital staff was great.

It is still very fresh in my mind and surreal. I have been sitting here on this website for about an hour listening to Amazing Grace and crying. Thank you for letting me share my story.

I love you girls with all of my heart. I am sorry you couldn't come to live with us. And I am sorry Allie cannot be the big sister she has been yearning to be for years. I know you are happy in Heaven.

Suzanne Chezem

Thank you for your comment about the girls' names. We picked them out before they were born, and they just seemed to fit them perfectly.

Maggie, Bella, & Elyse
Midterm Loss/early delivery due to internal bleeding
Aug 2, 2004


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Tyson Christian Lowe ~ 01 September 2004

Hi, This is my first visit to your site. Thank you for it. I lit a candle for my angel. My first question is, how do I find it now?

Secondly, (please excuse me if I ramble here while I try to find the words ). I lost my baby son Tyson at 15 1/2wks gestation. He had the cord wrapped very tightly, multiple times around his neck. Labor was induced and I had to deliver him.

People don't understand my grief as my pregnancy was "not far advanced". I have 2 other children and I tend not to "show" until around the 20th week, and I think that because of that alot of people assume that I have miscarried and not actually lost a BABY.

I saw my son, as tiny as he was. All ten fingers and toes, his facial features and all. I felt him come out of me. I saw him on the ultrasound screen at 9wks and again when they confirmed his death. And I heard his heartbeat a week and a half previously to his death. How can I nicely explain to people that my loss was of a BABY. Not just the bleeding of an early miscarriage, but a real ( tiny, but very real ) baby???

I'm just feeling as though people are thinking that I shouldn't be grieving as badly, because my son was not full term. I had no obvious belly of pregnancy so I shouldn't be as heartbroken.

I need to make family and friends understand the enormity of giving birth to my son, knowing that he was dead and how this has affected me. I'm sick of being told that I need to be strong and be thankful for the 2 healthy children I have. And that everything happens for a reason. I am aware of that but I only lost my son 1 week and 1 day ago.

Is my sense of loss not as huge as I imagine? How do I explain it to people? How do I not feel uncomfortable in saying that I have 3 children?

I love Tyson, and to think that I would say to people that I have 2 children and not include him seems infair and hurts ME, and I apologised to him in the sky when I did it. But to say I have 3 seems like an exaggeration as Ty never breathed outside of me, and he wasn't full term. Please help me not to be so confused?????

Tyson Christian Lowe
Second trimester loss
Sunshine Coast, QLD Australia


Marcia's thoughts: All of what you say is true. It is written in this website of over 400 pages...people don't understand and that is why we turn to each other...those who have lived this path of death and grief. As far as "rambling" that is our way of 'getting it out' and sharing our story and thoughts. Everyone of us does that, too.

SHARE Atlanta parents believe that if we were pregnant and lost a baby at any gestational age, we have the right to grief and to recognize our child. Others usually don't appreciate the pain and shock we move through. Most want us to move on so they can move on and be assured that we are "okay."

We must give ourselves "permission to grieve" and to love our baby. Using the energy to make the world understand is beyond our ability. We must take care of ourselves and tell those close that we are "normal" in our grief. Point them to this site. Sometimes just reading over some of it helps family and close friends realize that your reaction is normal, and that they are asking you to do the impossible. You are not alone in all of this...the website and our local group and many books support the fact that the way you are feeling is normal.

How many children do you have? After our loss, this is a question we know the answer to...but the actual words often vary as to who we are talking with. Those we feel 'safe' with often get the correct number or those who will not ask. Others we might not want to discuss it all with my get another answer. As time passes, many know that their baby is safely in their heart and soul and the answer is based on how they wish to carry it or respond given the moment, the person, the situation, etc. I sometimes say 2 and don't mention my three in heaven because I feel very okay with them all. They know I love them and I know I love them...but my heart will always know the real number and that is what is important to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Grace ~ August 26, 2004

After six years of trying to have a baby, my husband and I were overjoyed when in April we discovered we were pregnant. On the 26th of August at 17 42hrs a tiny little girl was given to us but she was too small to survive. We called her Grace.

That day was the best and worst day of my life and now we are expected to 'get on with it'. I just don't know if I can.

Rick - my husband- has been wonderful and it has brought us closer togeather, but now everyone wants to know if we will try again. I don't know if I can. What if it happens again? I couldn't face that.

I work as an Anaesthetic Tec at the local hospital and am thinking of giving it up as I can't stand to be around people who have children. It's just not fair.

August 26, 2004
Townsville, Queensland


Marcia's thoughts: Please know that you are normal in all that you are sharing and feeling. It is really very soon to be thinking about another baby. You need time to heal the emotional wound of the loss of your baby. You might want to read through some of the information under our "Subsequent Pregnancy" Menu to help you sort through your feelings. We have an entire group meeting to discuss these feelings. We then have a Subsequent Pregnancy support group to help carry our parents..especially the moms...through the next pregnancy.

Being around other children after a loss is very hard. It is a normal reaction to wanting a child yourself and not having a living one to mother and love. This is a common point of discussion with our moms. Dads usually are quicker to be able to deal with these types of situations, but dads and moms deal very differently with grief because they bond differently to their baby which is also a normal reaction. (See our Father's Grief Menu under Email Exchange)

Please know you are not alone...grief is "doable" but it is a process and it does take work over a period of time (usually 6 months to two years with things getting better all along the way...but with a up and down pattern.). Healing is gradual and welcomed as you move through the process.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Emmie Jane

My husband and I decided to start trying for kids in January 04. We were so excited when I was pregnant in February! The day I took the pregnancy test, I started to bleed, and a week later the pregnancy was over before it ever really got started. We were thrilled to have another positive pregnancy test only 2 months later, but then devastated again when I went in at 7 weeks to see a heartbeat and so nothing more than a gestational sac, what the doctor's said was a "blighted ovum". After a D&C, we waited only 1 month to try again, and found we were pregnant AGAIN in August!

I was terrified to go to the first ultrasound, but made it through and finally saw a heartbeat. I figured I was home free after the first trimester had passed and we had a successful pregnancy underway, and I was so excited that I would have a Spring baby, due April 30.

Christmas was an especially exciting time, since I was finally really into all my maternity clothes and we were getting gifts for the baby. The Monday before Christmas, I noticed some changes that sent off a little alarm in my head. Until then, I had been nervous, but only fleetingly so. This was different. Within a couple of days I was uncomfortable all of the time, but tried to convince myself nothing was wrong, and it was all in my head.

I didn't even call the doctor until 11:30 pm on Christmas Eve, when I saw a little bit of blood when I went to the bathroom and knew for certain something wasn't right. Since nothing I was describing sounded totally abnormal, he said he thought I was fine, and if I wanted he would meet me at the hospital. I said if he thought I was ok, then I wouldn't worry about it, again minimalizing what was going on partly out of inexperience, and partly out of denial.

I woke up in the middle of the night with absolutely undeniable contractions. Even still, I was in such denial that there was a problem that we didn't go to the hospital until 5:00 pm on Christmas Day.

When the doctor arrived, the news was that I was definitely having contractions, and I was 2 cm dilated. I was given 50-50 chances that the baby, whose heartbeat was still strong, would be born that night and not survive.

They did everything possible to stop the labor, but in the end it played out just as my doctor had water broke within a few hours, and a couple of hours later I delivered a beautifully perfect baby girl, Emmie Jane. She was 10 1/2 inches long, 1 pound and 1 ounce, delivered at only 22 weeks.

As soon as my water broke the doctor could tell that I had an infection, and that infection took Emmie's life right before she was born.

As unbelievably difficult as it is to accept this loss, it's even more difficult that the diagnosis is "bad luck", or "a fluke". Somehow, E coli was able to get into my amniotic fluid, and it sent me into early labor. The chances, they say, of this repeating are almost none. Of course, the chances of it happening in the first place are so slim that this news isn't very comforting.

It has only been 9 weeks since we lost her, and the grief has been all of the ups and downs that I've read about. It's actually worse right now, as the painful reality that I've lost my baby girl is stabbing it's way into my heart.

I completely relate to all of the emails sharing fears about subsequent pregnancies. We have been trying to figure out when to try again, and my feelings about it change by the hour. Right now, I would give anything to have my daughter back.

I'm so grateful for all of the women that are brave enough to share their stories and their grief on this site. It is a tremendous help to read through and see some normality in what seems so abnormal.

As a Christian, I'm able to have joy in knowing this isn't the end for my relationship with my daughter, because I can look forward to seeing her in heaven one day. But I continue to ask God for the healing I desperately need now, because heaven sure seems a long way away.

We are taking it one day at a time, and it's amazing how the grief can truly change one day at a time.

My hope is that as it is the beginning of a new year, this is just the beginning of this story. I look forward to being and hope to be able to finish this story in the future with news of joys to balance the sorrows. Until then, thank you for letting me share with you about my precious little girl!

Mommy loves you and misses you Emmie!

Emmie Jane MacDonald
Atlanta, GA
Feb. 22, 2005


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"Too Early for Emily"

My husband Todd and I were so surprised to learn that we were expecting again when our son was just 10 months (the due date would make them 18 months apart in age).

My first pregnancy, with Benjamin, was less than ideal. I was diagnosed with incompetent cervix at 19.5 weeks, had an emergency cerclage performed, and was put on bedrest for almost the remainder of my pregnancy. He was delivered at 38 weeks! We were so thrilled to have made it the whole way through.

We knew that every subsequent pregnancy would require a cerclage placed earlier in the term and possible bedrest.

After twelve healthy weeks and several ultrasounds to determine that our new baby was healthy, my cerclage was placed in an outpatient procedure. I went home to enjoy a week of rest while my parents and inlaws took care of Benjamin.

But I didn't get to enjoy myself. I got a stomach virus TWICE within seven days, and a UTI that took an entire round of antibiotics to subside. After the first week (and second stomach virus), I still continued to vomit at least once a day. My doctor attributed it to hormones. I never felt well after the cerclage was placed.

On November 29, I had an u/s and we found out at 16.5 weeks that our baby was a girl!!!! So exciting!

On December 1, I had a routine visit to the OB at which he found a heartbeat of 160 (good). I still complained of vomiting. On Friday, December 2, I was very active with my son at a park. He doesn't walk and is very heavy. I apparently lost my mucous plug that afternoon, but I didn't recognize it for what it was.

I felt awful that evening with back ache, but tried not to complain. At 2:30 AM, I woke with such a high fever that I could not stop shaking. It was very scary. My husband helped me take Tylenol and drink fluids, but I began vomiting violently and couldn't keep anything down.

A call to the doctor on call, then we were at the ER by 5:00 AM. The doctors gave me IV fluids and told me I probably had a severe kidney infection (back ache, high fever), but then quickly changed their mind (back pain not high enough or severe enough).

I was moved to the maternity ward. A nurse finally checked on the baby's heartrate which was 130 (fine), and sent me to have an ultrasound. I was asked to empty my bladder. I reported that I was "spotting". The u/s tech looked at my cervix first. I could tell that she was concerned about something, so I just told myself to expect bedrest for the rest of the pregnancy.

Then she looked at our little girl. She was still, but I just was convinced that she was okay. The nurse had just found her heartbeat minutes ago. I had felt her move earlier that morning. She called in the doctor who informed us that we had miscarried.

I still can't believe those words she said. I just want to go back to that point in time and snap my fingers and change it all around.

The doctor told us I would have to have my cerclage removed immediately so my cervix wouldn't rip open. I began to have contractions and bleed before I could return to my hsopital room.

Everything was happening so quickly, I didn't have time to digest what was going on. They tried to remove my sutures in a hospital room without an epidural. They couldn't do it (good perinatalogist), so they gave me an epi and moved me to an OR. They had to give me a sedative.

They talked to me about holding our baby, but I couldn't even imagine. The sutures came out, then baby and placenta easily. It was very quick. I was very glad for this. They didn't expect me to deliver her at the same time as the suture removal.

A nurse held our baby all wrapped in a blanket and told me she was beautiful. My husband was not with me and I didn't have on glasses/contact lenses, so I wanted to wait to see her. I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE HER UNTIL MAY.

...We did decide to hold our baby, after more encouragement from the doctor. I was very anxious about this, and so looking back did not spend as much time with her as I would have liked. She was a beautiful baby, perfect in everyway; it makes it harder to understand why she couldn't go to term. Some nice church groups provided tiny swaddling and knitted blankets for her. Her picture was taken and hand and footprints made.

For the next four days, I remained on IV fluids and serious antibiotics to eliminate the infection that had or helped terminate my pregnancy. Those days, there were visitors and nurses and doctors with kind words and prayers. I was in total shock. I remember telling one of the nurses or doctors that this was "easier than I would have imagined". I just wanted to get back home to my Benjamin and "get back to normal".

I have been home for two weeks now. I have grieved in accordance with the textbooks: shock, anger guilt, etc.

At a one-week check-up appointment, my doctor did not have the results from the cultures taken at the hospital to determine what was the cause of the infection. I keep thinking that if I can just wait to hear the results, I will have some peace of mind. Was it bacteria introduced during the cerclage procedure? Was our baby the source of the infection post-mortem? Was I too active the day before my trip to the hospital? No answer will make me pregnant with my baby again, though. That is the hardest pill to swallow.

I have a biology degree and a degree in dentistry, but there is no medical book or instrument that can reverse time and make Emily alive and healthy.

So, I am finding comfort in the prayers of friends, family, and strangers. I know that our little girl is happy and alive in heaven. I can only imagine what a wonderful place it will be with all of the special babies there. And I thank God that there are people who understand my grief, although they have unfortunately experienced similar things.

Thank you for reading this. I am truly thankful for your program, and I hope this account helps someone one day. My only regret is that all of the resources for my loss and grief were not introduced to me in the hospital.

Emily Reagin
Atlanta, GA


Marcia's thoughts: Dear Lauren, How sweet that your beautiful baby girl, Emily, was swaddled in the loving gifts of knitted blankets from those who care for you from your church. This very outreach is one that SHARE Atlanta is doing as well for families. Our families and seniors that we love are making them for newly bereaved families and our information is attached to each blanket or outfit.

We hope that more families will receive these special gifts as time passes for the very reasons that share in your note. As parents having experienced a loss, we know that we are often not prepared to swaddle our babies. We also know how important it is to "parent" our child from the the very first moment we are holding him or her.

Dressing, wrapping, snuggling..all are important for eventual healing. Our love for these little ones has to be given. So, we are trying to make sure more parents are given those special items to do so. We also know that to be able to take these blankets, etc. home and hold them close as loving mementos from our special baby is important.

The other mission and message in sharing our blankets with newly bereaved parents is to let them know that they are not alone in their loss and that we are "here" for them as they might need us. It is such an alone feeling we have as we hold our baby. Many parents do not receive resource information in the hospital...even after many inservices - this is an issue that is ongoing within our group. Advocacy and Awareness is another area that we feel strongly about.

Lauren, you and your family are not alone, we are here. The process of grief begins as soon as we learn our baby might die or has died. It continues as a process that helps and leads us to healing. Learning to cope with our pain, understanding the perimeters of the grief process, regrouping, finding the medical support we might need before considering another pregnancy, and joining with others who have "been there and survived" - all can give us hope for the future. Healing in a supportive atmosphere is what we are all about.

Though our group is "non-denominational," many of us (including me) believe that our babies are in heaven with Jesus and those loved ones who are there now...and that our babies "play together" in health, happiness and peace. Believing that has always given me strength. Many also believe our little ones in heaven watch over their brothers and sisters here on this earth. That makes me smile inside.

By sharing our stories, our paths of healing, and ideas for outreach, we support one another. I believe that is what God would want. I believe by making our baby's presence in our lives so meaningful we honor their memory and give them all of our love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"My angel, Kennedy Kennedy Michelle, February 10, 2006"

My angel, Kennedy Kennedy Michelle was born and died on February 10, 2006. I developed severe pre-eclampsia when I was 27 1/2 weeks pregnant.

Kennedy was my second child and I'm having a hard time dealing with why this happened. My first pregnancy was uneventful. In fact, my first daughter, Lauren was 2 weeks overdue.

I'm also worrying how I will deal with Kennedy's approaching due date of May 2nd. I welcome all comments on how I can cope with my loss. Sincerely

Kennedy Michelle Neal
Decatur, GA


Marcia's thoughts: As you approach your due date, please consider reading what I have written and others have shared about ways to remember and cope around the due date. This is a difficult time and we help ourselves when we recognize this time for how important it is to us. I have invited you to join us on our forum and I am hoping you will! You can find this information on our site under:

Anniversaries, Holidays, and Due Dates

SA's Forum

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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