Letters from our Internet Visitors

I was so excited when I became pregnant in July of 1994 and scared . I had lost Michael in January at 21 weeks and after 6 months of intense grief work with a support group, I was ready to try again. We were elated when the test was positive.. I had a business trip to San Antonio scheduled for the last week in June and since my husband's parents live in Texas we decided that all of us would go on the trip and take a mini vacation. Me my husband and my 3 year old son flew to Texas and had a great time. We swam and even spent a day at Sea World. I was tired since I was only 6 weeks along but we were so excited. The day the meeting ended we drove to Chris's sister's house to spend the night with them. When we got there I went to the bathroom and saw spots of blood. I was so scared. I tried to ignore it and layed down for a nap. When I woke up and went to the bathroom again I was still spotting. I knew I had to tell Chris. I told him and then called my Dr. in Las Vegas. ! He recommended that I go directly to the hospital. We drove like crazy to the hospital. Got pulled over by the state patrol and I hysterically said please let us go I don't want to lose another child... He let us go. The emergency room at the hospital was so surreal. They said lots of dumb things and took forever. Finally I had an ultrasound and I could tell right away no heartbeat. I heard lots of confusing things from the nurses. Maybe you shouldn't be able to see a heartbeat at 6 weeks... I spotted and I had a healthy child...You'll be fine... You can have other children. I heard all of these comments and having been through a loss before I knew their intentions were good but not the right thing to say. I asked the Dr. for an autopsy of the fetus and was assured one would be done. I had a D&C and was released from the hospital the next morning. I was devestated and to make matters worse I had to go visit my in-laws who proceeded to treat the problem totally medically and pretend that there were no emotions.. And I had to behave so I didn't make them uncomfortable. I never did get the autopsy results. The hospital lost them. I have never quite felt the same about Texas again.. I miss Kelley and I remember her on July 1st every year... She will always be in my heart. Thank you for the opportunity to Share.

My story goes like this: I was having abdominal pain for three days and then went to the Emergency Room, not yet even knowing I was pregnant. I underwent a series of tests and examinations to later find out that I was indeed five weeks pregnant, but no one could explain my pain. The pain, to me, no longer was so important because I was PREGNANT. I was more happy than words could say. My spouse was a little more unsettled. He didn't like the fact that we found out we were pregnant in the ER. Me? Well, I was already planning everything before I was even dressed to go home. I have a five year old daughter, who wants a sibling real bad. I couldn't wait to tell her. Thank God, I never got the chance to do so. The hospital told me to go home, make an appointment with my OB/GYN in the morning, and that is what I did. Miscarriage crossed my mind, but I never imagined that that is what was going on. I went to the doctor and had a blood test done to see what the level of the hormone produced through pregnancy was. She asked me if I had any bleeding with my pain. My pain had not yet subsided. I said no. I went home, went to the bathroom, and I had a spot of dark blood on my underwear. I freaked, called the doctor, and she said since it wasn't bright red, that it was probably from the examinations the previous day. So again, miscarriage was not a option, to me.

Three days later, I was still in pain and no one seemed to know why. I wasn't worrying about it because nobody else seemed to be. One doctor did tell me that my uterus is sensitive to being pregnant. Nothing to worry about, right? Wrong because on that tragic morning I start to bleed bright red blood, heavily. I called my spouse, he came and got hysterical me, and we went to the ER, again. I was in the middle of having a miscarriage. Even going from home, going through the examinations, and listening to the doctor, I still couldn't believe what was happening. There had to be another explanation. I couldn't lose my baby. But, I did.

I am not quite sure how to come to terms with it. I finally had it, and then it was gone. I haven't been able to call my best friend to even tell her. I haven't been able to talk out loud about it either without bursting into tears. How do I get past that? I want to tell my friend, but on the other hand I don't. She knew I was pregnant. I feel I need to talk in depth with my spouse because I am sure he needs support too. I don't know how to support him, when he is so busy fussing over me. I love him for that, but what can I do for him?

Thank you for listening to me. If anyone has any advice or support for me, don't hesitate to write. Thanks, again.

We had a miscarriage in the first trimester. I feel like I suffered alone. My husband said that it hurt him as well but it is hard for me to accept that because I didn't see him suffering. This happened 6 months ago and I still cry about it. I know that I have one child and should feel blessed by that because some don't even have that.

Dear Jennifer,

Yours is a common thought - a first trimester loss is very hard for a couple to cope with. The mother, because she (usually) bonds very quickly to her baby, usually has a much greater level of open grief than the father. It is not that he doesn't care - he does, but he usually is more worried about the health and emotional concerns of the mother than he is of the actual loss of the baby. A baby does not usually become totally real for the dad until he holds him/her - even though he really wants the child. The dad's body does not go through the changes and bonding - though bonding does begin during the pregnancy - is different for the dad. Usually, the later the loss - the more the bond is between the dad and child. Add this to the fact, that most men do not grieve as a women does. Men are fixers (and they can't fix this) and their usual way for taking care of things is to fix it and move on. While a women wants to "talk" and work through all the feelings around what has happened. Please read "His/Her Grief" and the "Sharing Our Stories Section with His/Her Grief" both of these sections speak to just what you are concerned about. Thank God - men and women are different. Most especially in grief, and it helps to understand and learn to cope with these differences. It can save marriages and actually build a stronger relationship if we work to learn how to help each other through these times. Marcia - 9/30/97