It's only been two weeks ago that I found out after a healthy "uneventful" pregnancy that my baby boy's heartbeat had stopped.

The nightmare began when at my 18th week of pregnancy I had an amnio (which I stressed about from day one), because of being over 35, trying to be "responsible" my doctor highly advised it, I have two children, ages 10 and 8 and told me the risks and chances of complications were 1 - 2%.

The morning of my ultrasound and amnio I still had doubts whether to do the amnio portion of it after all, the needle going into the amniotic sac scared me to death!!!Through a lengthy ultrasound (35 minutes), everything was fine, measurements, amniotic fluid level, my baby's activity level, etc. We did the amnio.

I rested the rest of the day and the following day as well (which they advised). The 3rd day, I started having cramping which turned into full on labor contractions (5 min's apart) and had to be hospitalized and given medicine to stop them. When the contractions finally did stop I was sent home and supposedly all was well with the baby. The next day I wanted to double check for my peace of mind and had an ultrasound (everything was still fine with the baby).

The next day - the biggest nightmare of my life - my water broke at nineteen weeks and all my fears became a reality. I passed my mucous plug, my water broke and contractions started again.

I had to be hospitalized yet again and when a perinatologist came in to check the condition of the baby and he was still alive and kicking - despite 4 days of complications since the amnio. They stabilized me and sent me home with the hope that the amniotic sac would close back up again and the baby would replenish the amniotic fluid. All would be well again.

Little did I know, the chances of that happening were about one in 1,000!!!

The next day on a "routine" ultrasound, the doctor told my husband and I there was no longer a heartbeat. I screamed, unaware of the others in the waiting room. Pain and grief does that to you, you become unaware of your surroundings and numb to what would normally prevent you from "freaking out".

They prepped me quickly to avoid "staph" infection and I had a D & C the next day. My husband and I held our baby boy "Miles"!!!! It was the most painful moment of our lives and one you can NEVER, EVER explain to anyone that hasn't experienced it.

I have read several of the posts on this website and know that the pain NEVER goes away, but hopefullly in time will lessen.

I look forward to the day I will be able to hold Miles again in my arms forever!!!!!! Wait for me Baby Boy, I will be there one day soon! I LOVE YOU!!!!!

I lost my baby boy a week ago tomorrow, at 41/2 mo's gestation, I was at home when I had him.

After arriving at the hospital my midwife said he had chromosomal abnormalties, his chord was very narrow where it enters the naval, and his bowel was outside of the abdomin.

My circumstances were very stressful when I conceived my baby and I had periodic spotting a part of me had a difficult time bonding. I had just gottten to the point of looking forward to my baby's arrival Jan 6th (due date). To say the least I can appreciate how the women are feeling this loss has got to be the most difficult of everything I've been through (I've lost parents in my teens, grandparent's). To say the least I am quite devistated, in addition I've aquired gestational high blood pressure so I am on bedrest for 2 weeks.

Like many of the women have commented on Babies are everywhere and everybody seems to be pregnant, God this is so hard and still quite unbelievable, you keep thinking you will wake up.

When I was about 15 weeks pregnant I went for an ultrasound to check out some pain possibly due to an ovary. After 3 ultrasounds that week my OB said that she had seen a "soft tissue mass" on the baby's tailbone. I had no inclination at that point what exactly she was telling me. So far the pregnancy had been uneventful and normal. No inclination, until she said that I should call my husband to be with me to go to the perinatologist that day.

The next few hours were a blur. The specialist knew right away it was a Sacrococcygeal Teratoma. A rare birth defect with no know cause. At this point we could either terminate, see someone out of state about possibly fetal surgery, or wait it out and see what happens. After some research we decided to wait it out and hope for the best.

The best being make it to around term, deliver c section and the baby would have surgery to remove the tumor. We still couldn't believe what was happening. "Things like this don't happen to us!" we repeated. Our mantra became "everything would be ok."

About 10 days later and another specialists opinion we were told she was starting to show signs of heart failure from the tumor. Ten days after that we were told that the tumor had grown into her abdominal cavity causing kidney and heart failure. The doctor said she would pass in the next week or two. We were not even a candidate for fetal surgery.

At this point I still could not even think about terminating. After all, I had been on fertility drugs for a year just to get pregnant. We had wanted this baby girl. Every couple of days I would go see my OB for a fetal heart tone check and occasional ultrasounds - waiting for my baby to die. I couldn't even go back to work and face the questions.

Finally after 2 weeks, we decided to terminate. She had 0% chance of survival and she was so full of fluid and tumor. I had to go to another office the next morning for the MD to inject her heart with potassium. Never in my life did I imagine I would be stopping a baby's heart.

My OB starting inducing my labor that day too. I finally delivered her the next night. I was almost 21 weeks pregnant at that point. She was just a miniature beauty. We held her and took pictures. I do regret that I didn't spend even more time with her, but I guess I did what I thought I could that night. That's what I remind myself.

Now 10 days later I sit here. My breast engorgement is almost done, my cramping has stopped and the physical pain is mostly gone. Pretty soon I'll no reminders that I delivered a baby. We've sent our little Angel to heaven; to a loving grandmother and grandfather and all those who have gone before her in our families.

We were so excited when we were told we were finally pregnant! At 6 weeks I started bleeding. They put me on bedrest until the bleeding stopped. Then they did an ultrasound at 10 weeks/everything was fine. At all the checkups we heard her heartbeat.

Then at 19 weeks they did bloodwork. It came back that protein was high. They sent me to high risk specialists. The ultrasound showed the baby was at 17.5 weeks instead of 19. Also my fluid was low. So,every 2 weeks I had an ultrasound done to make sure she was still growing. She was, just too slow.

On Sept.11(25 weeks)they said your baby is dead. So I went to the hospital on wed. for labor, which i have never done. They told us they were going to do a c-section when the time came. I was so scared.

Thursday night she came out. I miss her so much. I cant stop crying. Cindy

Hi my name is VeronicaI live alone on a disability pension as I suffer with a mental illness. My days are passed practicing music as a natural therapy. Soon after producing my first CD 'Pestra', (now marketed within organizations supporting mental illness) I commenced writing modern lullabies while dating a man. Within no time I became pregnant with 'Baby Graeme' and deserted by the father.

My pregnancy appeared to be normal (apart from the mental illness flaring up and struggles to find suitable, affordable accommodation) until week 30 of the pregnancy. At week 30 I went for my normal check up. I was told that my baby was very sick and unusually small for this stage in pregnancy.

I straight away felt the shock set in, though tried to keep a clear head to absorb all the medical information regarding 'Baby Graeme'. I contacted my girlfried Caroline, returned home to gather some clothes and was then transported by an ambulance to the Mater Hospital in Brisbane, QLD, Australia.

At the hospital I was put through a series of tests. The news gradually became worse after each test. That night I was told my baby would probably die within the next 24hrs. I attempted to make contact with 'Baby Graeme's' father but was only hung up on. So I contacted my mother Margaret, (whom I had not been on good speaking terms with all my life), as I was in desperate need of some support. I didn't sleep that night, even after taking my anti-psychotic drug and sleeping tablets. Treasuring every last moment with 'Baby Graeme' was the only thing on my mind.

The following morning 'Baby Graeme's' heartbeat was still heard, his movement had deteriorated, and slowly the liquid from within me leaked. My distraught and shocked mother appeared to comfort me. My mother and I sat listening to the most senior doctors relay the final options regarding the life of my son. 'Baby Graeme' was the size of a 23wk baby at 30wks. His heartbeat was irregular and the tests showed that the umbilical chord wasn't feeding him. I was told his chance of survival was approx. 15%.

If I decided to remove 'Baby Graeme', it had to be by cesarean, and because of his position the surgery might destroy my chance of ever carrying another child. I was 36 and this was my only child. I decided to wait for my son to pass away within me.

I was moved to another ward with other pregnant women or women with thieir newborn. The following morning I awoke to extremely loud trauma in my head due to the mental illness and stress I was under. I commenced overdosing once again but after hearing a voice inside my head say no, no, no I was able to stop myself and call for help. The nurses took me to a private room where I was comforted by the professor of the hospital until my mother arrived. I was then placed in an ambulance and taken back to the Psychiatric ward of the hospital in which I lived. There I stayed for one week.

Twice a day the midwives camer to check on 'Baby Graeme's heartbeat. I relied on my mother and best friend to keep me sane throughout this week. By the end of the week I began to wonder if I had actually made the right choice. That night I spoke to 'Baby Graeme'. I said, "if you can bring on the labour and can survive through the paid, I will do everything possible to help you live. But if you can't survive, then I know that it's your choice to leave me". I wanted the decision out of my hands.

The next morning at 2am I awoke with extremem abdominal pain. When the pain finally subsided I fell back to sleep. When I woke at approx. 7am I knew that 'Baby Graeme' had passed away.

My mother and my friend stayed with me while I was taken to the maternity ward. The labour was induced and 'Baby Graeme' was born at 8pm on the 26th April 2001. I stayed in hospital with 'Baby Graeme' beside me for the next 3 days to gain enough strength to return home to an empty house full of baby items I'd collected.

The next two months were horrific. The emptiness, solitude and deep, constant ache I felt inside from parting with my son 'Baby Graeme' can't be put into words. To get the right balance of keeping yourself manually busy while not overdoing it and flaring up the mental illness was almost impossible. The empty house full of baby items left me completely desolate.

People said I shouldn't return to music so soon. The songs I'd written were to be shared. I knew that by producing the songs would help me move forward after such a sad situation. I also felt that these songs would help others grieve and could also support and relax women throughout further pregnances.

Part of me felt so angry that I had written happy baby songs yet denied the happy experience. I used the pain, anger and hurt to give me the strength to produce these precious songs onto disc. The money I received from the government plus my pension and savings just covered the cost of making my second CD, 'Baby Graeme'. Then came another kind of pain. A deep ache inside when I finally had to set 'Baby Graeme's songs free. It felt as though I was parting with him all over again.

People asked for a story to go with this CD. It's taken five months to be able to write this story down on paper. Every attempt to write it down before brought the whole nightmare back into my conscious mind creating too many tears.

Though like after many other tragedies comes light at the end of the tunnel. Finally I was able to focus on the positives that came from such a tragedy. I now share a wonderful relationship with my mother, a permanent friendship with my friend and found a new supportive boyfriend. Before this all happened I had none of the above. I lived alone and had little contact with anyone due to my illness. I hid behind music that created peace in my head.

This tragedy has given me enough strength to come out of hiding and to hopefully stay out of hiding. I hope that this story may inspire others to hopefully one day seen the positives that come from one of the hardest losses a human I feel can experience. Those wishes access to my music may visit my website www.veronica.aunz.com or email me on songs@veronica.aunz.com Thanks for your time taken to read my story.

I lost baby Caelan in my 6th month due to anencephaly. It was something we had never heard of.

Losing Caelan was the most traumatic thing I have ever went through, and I've done most of it alone. No one brings her up much anymore, which hurts me so bad, because the pain in my heart is deep and real, everyday. I want my baby Caelan to live on in my heart forever. I'll never stop missing her.

I will forever remember her, my sweet angel, Mary. Her memory lives on in my heart. I will never forget how excited we were when we learned of her conception. We always wanted a lot of children.

My first pregnancy was perfect up until my 32rd week. My water broke and I delivered a beautiful healthy baby girl. My second pregancy with Mary was very smooth. I thought my only concern would be premature labor again around 32 weeks. Little did I know I would lose her at 23 weeks. I still grieve over the fact that she shouldn't have been born then. If only I had listed to my body more. Maybe, just maybe, she would had a chance.

I started having back pain on Saturday. I believed that I had lost my mucus plug. I ever started having a thick discharge. I feared a bladder infection or yeast infection. I had no idea that the infection brewing inside me would eventually take my daughter's life.

I called my doctor and was helped by the doctor on call. He told me to go to the hospital due to my history of premature labor. I went to the hospital. I was never seened by a doctor, only diagnosed by a nurse who claimed I had a yeast infection. I was never cultured and had an ultrasound, things I wish had taken place.

The next day the pain was getting worse in my back. The doctor told me to take Aleve and call his office in the morning. He didn't think it was anything serious. It was. The next morning I awoke with blood. I immediately called my doctor's office and was told my doctor was on vacation but the nurse practioner would see me. The nurse took my baby's heartbeat (120) and I could tell something was wrong.

The nurse then proceeded to do a vaginal exam wherein my water broke. I was told to walk over to the hospital because my water had ruptured. I was so scared and frightened. I walked over to the hospital, alone, fearing the worst. I had to wait for twenty minutes before finally begging someone to take me to the maternity floor because my water was running down my legs.

After being taken upstairs, my husband was called. I will never forget the fear I felt. I thought I had some massive infection and I would die and so would my baby. I was pretty close. My husband finally arrived and was as scared as I was.

Slowly my family friends came to be with my husband and I to support us. I remember the doctor coming in to see my husband and I and basically explaining that I had a bad infection that they did not know where it came from. He felt that the baby has no chance of survival and if labor started I would have to deliver her.

They performed an ultrasound and I saw her little heart still beating...wanted to live...wanted to be saved. I prayed. I prayed to God to help us. I was so scared.

Slowly, my temperature started to rise. 104 degrees at one point. The doctor told my family and my husband that if the baby did not come soon, I could die. To this day, I will never know what that did to my husband.

I just laid there, helpless, believing that it was all be okay and my baby would live. I remember the nurse coming in and giving me morphine. I had a bad reaction and started to have seizures. I remember begging my husband and my mother to help me. My husband had tears running down his face trying to calm me down. The nurse and doctor were able to reverse the reaction and I proceeded to go into labor. My family and friends were with me trying to understand and help me get through the worst day of my life. My sister-in-law is a nurse and tried to keep me comfortable. I look back and can't believe how nieve I was.

I never imagined she would be born and I would lose her. Finally it was time, I had to push. I delivered her at 9:13 p.m. She never took a breath. Her little heart kept beating until the cord was cut. I gave her life only until I coulnd't anymore. She peacefully rose to Heaven and my heart ached.

Shortly thereafter, my doctor had to leave before delivering the placenta. A mother of twins had gone into premature labor at 23 weeks and lost her son ten minutes after my daughter. Two angels on their way to meet God. Two mothers sharing the same pain within a couple feet of each other.

I proceeded to try to deliver the afterbirth for five hours. The doctor didn't want to perform a D&C unless necessary due to my infection. I ended up having a D & C in the morning.

Two years later, I still remember her. I still long for her but I am healing.

I finally gave birth to a beautiful little angel named Lexie in August of this month. She was born at 37 weeks. It took us over a year to conceive her. I cherish her more than life. She doesn't replace, Mary, but she has helped me to heal.

I remember when I knew my daughter had no hope of life, my mother asked me to think of a name that remind me of an angel, the name Mary seemed appropriate. I am glad we named her. She deserved to have a name because she was my daughter.

My husband and I even had pictures taken with her which were painful and the time but now, they are a comfort to us and my little girl, now 4. It brings comfort to her to see her sister. To know that she was a part of our lives, if only for a brief time.

I don't know why God took Mary, I may never know but my priest said that God gave her to me for a reason and took her for a reason also. I still search for the answer.

She forever lives with me. I think of her every day but I am grateful for my two little girls. Time is my best friend these days. It is the one healing I can count on. Not many people in my life seemed to remember Mary which is hard but I know that I will always have those special moments of her first kicks and hiccups and movements...a cherished gift given to only me.

So now the world knows there was a beautiful angel named Mary. Born on September 13, 1999. She left our world with her lasting tiny footprints in my heart. I love her! Thank you!

I was diagnosed with a blood disorder called TTP early in my pregnancy. Because of this illness I had to get a tube in my neck so I could start getting plasma. Because of this treatment I was put on a very high dosage of steroids for about 1 1/2 months.

I eventually got the tube out of my neck but a couple of weeks later my membrane burst and I lost all the ambiotic fluid. I went to a specialist and he told me any reasonable person would end the pregnancy now no matter that she was growing and had such a strong heart beat. I had faith in God and was going to continue to have that faith.

I wasn't giving up on my baby so I got a second opinion and he put me on bedrest and said at 24 weeks they would put me in the hospital. He just wanted me to make sure I didn't get toxemia so I was told to take my temperature and continue bedrest. Well I did that and my temperature was doing fine. Sydney was growing and I was doing ok.

I woke up one morning with a very bad pain under my right breast and decided I had better go to the doctor. It turned out that I had HELLP (severe toxemia) and the only way they could treat it was by taking Sydney.

I cried so hard when the doctor told me and just couldn't believe this was happening. I had been through so much and so had Sydney. I asked if I could have a c section and they told me I would have to deliver her. They told me that they would be putting me on magnesium because I could have seizures. I just did what I was told. Everything from that point on is a blur or I vaguely remember.

I know that I miss my daughter so much. I just find myself crying because it hurts so much, it feels as though a part of me is gone. I am trying to get through this but some days I don't think I can.

I know I have to get back to work and life but sometimes I think what is the point. I know right now I find it so hard to see other pregnant women or children. That is all I seem to be seeing right now and it is hard.

I know that God did what was best because I put this in his hands but it still hurts really bad. I know my daughter is looking down on my from heaven, she is my guardian angel. I still miss my baby so very much.

Sydneys' Mom - Amy

Entry #2:

Marcia's Comments: Amy had come to our March Women's meeting and I had asked her about TTP. The meeting was about Relationships and Grief with Parent's Grief as a topic. I gave her a booklet on Parent's Grief and on Relationships.

Amy's Entry: The full name for TTP is Thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura. I can't find it on the webmd site anymore. I would also like to say thanks for meeting. It helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I look forward to the next meeting.

I know that I am new to the group but I would like to volunteer somehow. I want other people to know they are not alone in their feelings.

Marcia's Reply: Thank you for the name. I will try to search for it later this week. Thank you for trying. We probably should have something about this on the site.

I would love for you to help in some way. I know that giving back and/or doing something in memory of my babies has always helped me. I know it has given other parents comfort, too. Let me think of some options and you and I can chat.

I, too, am glad you came to the meeting and that we were able to "see" each other. I know your being here helped others as well. We will talk soon.

The next entry is Sydney's Father's entry.

In early January 2002, we were sent to a perinatologist because my wife Amy had had was having complications due to TTP. She had been at home for almost two months.

Our specialist did an ultrasound and told us that our best option at that Amy's placenta had ruptured. She barely had 5% of the normal fluid surrounding our baby. He told us our best option was to terminate her pregnancy. Furthermore, he felt it should take place soon as her health was in danger the further we went.

Amy didn't want to listen to this and refused to see the doctor again. I wanted her to have the termination because I didn't want to risk her health. We argued very heatedly for days. I told her I ddidn't want to lose her and I definitely didn't want to have a child with a lot of birth defects.

Eventually she saw another specialist 3 weeks later. Surprisingly, our baby still had a heartbeat and was growing. Our regular OB/GYN felt that maybe we could deliver a little after 24 weeks. So I begin to have hope.

Unfortunately it was not to be. Amy starting complaining of pain in her side so I rushed her to the hospital. We lost our daughter Sydney on February 19th which ironically was the day we were to start lamaze class.

She weighed approximately 1 pound. I got to hold her a couple of times and then we had her cremated.

Now after all is said and done, I wish she would have made it. I wish I could have seen her at least take a breath, defects or none. She was my flesh and blood. I will never know her and I blame myself.

The entry above this one is Sydney's Mother's entry.

My daughter, Rachel, was two years old when we decided to have another child. Because of several problems during Rachel's pregnancy (low amniotic fluid & gestational diabetes), doctors monitored my pregnancy closely. I had severe morning sickness that caused a short stay in the hospital. I saw a doctor about every two weeks.

Four weeks before my loss, I had an ultrasound. My baby had a strong heartbeat and plenty of amniotic fluid. In fact, she was moving around and waving her arms and legs. Because I had made it thru the first trimester, I felt safe, hopeful that things were going to be okay. Two weeks later I had an appointment for labs and a general "how are you feeling" kind of checkup. Everything seemed fine, but NO ultrasound was done!

My next appointment was the all-important 20-week ultrasound. My husband and I were so excited about finding out the gender of our baby. At the last minute, my husband was called for a computer emergency at his office, so my daughter and I went to the appointment alone.

As the ultrasound began, my daughter began to ask, "Is that our baby?” My first question was concerning the amniotic fluid levels. The technician did not say a lot, but she seldom did so I didn't think anything of it. She stopped and said she wanted to get my doctor so she could take a look. After an intensive "look" she said those dreaded words, "I'm sorry, we can not find a heartbeat".

With my daughter by my side, I began to cry. Rachel hugged me and kept saying, "It's okay Mommy. Don't Cry. Want me to kiss it make it better?"

When I thought I could talk, I called my husband but I could not say the words. I simply told him to come to the doctors’ office immediately.

I was unable to say the words when I saw Scot, but he knew. As we held each other Rachel told me "Daddy's here Mommy, It's okay."

My next real memory was the labor pain as the petocin began to kick into high gear. I remember during Rachel’s’ birth that hard labor pain meant we were finally going to meet her, a beginning. This labor meant the end. My doctor suggested strongly I get an epidural and I did. Unfortunately, the petocin and the epidural made me very nauseous. After many hours I became violently sick, during which I thought I had released my bladder in the bed. I called the nurse and when she came to change the sheets she discovered that I had actually expelled my baby completely within her sac. (I have so many nightmares about they way I gave birth to my baby. My baby did not get the dignity of a “normal” birth.) My baby and the sac were taken and my doctor was called. She examined the baby and I was told the sac was completely intact and without fluid. My doctors said that I developed a blood clot.

After an examination, I was given the option to hold by baby (at this point we did not know her gender). I was terrified. I did not know what to expect, what was developed, what was not. My doctor strongly encouraged me to hold the baby and to spend some time with my husband as a family.

We did hold our little girl. She was small (not even 1 pound), but she was fully developed. Her fingers were long and slender just like her big sister. She had the same button nose and full lips. As we held her, my husband examined her closely looking at her ears and curling her little hand around his finger. I sang her a lullaby (You are my sunshine). We kissed her little cheek and held her close while we cried.

The bereavement staff at Piedmont Hospital was very supportive. We were given the option of baptism. We were also told that naming her would help grieve. We decided on Michelle and she was baptized. After her baptism, we kept her with us for several hours. This time with Michelle was precious and one of the few good memories I have. We decided on cremation for Michelle and her ashes were spread at Baby Land.

We lost her almost two years ago. We have since lost another baby at 14 weeks. I do not know if I will be able to carry a child to term. I feel like our family is incomplete somehow. Something (or someone) is missing. I wonder if I was able to have another child, would that missing feeling go away?

My husband and I were trying for over a year to get pregnant. We already have 4 year old boy, who came at 36 weeks and had premature lungs, but he is healthy. We really wanted to have a boy and a girl, and I remember praying to god to please let me get pregnant.

Well I was late for my period in September, and I was going to be optimistic. I decided to take a pregnancy test on Oct 3,2001 and the test was positive. I had an appt with my ob/gyn for yearly stuff anyway, well the pregnancy was confirmed and all was well.

I had some early bleeding just like I did with my son. I heard her heartbeat through ultra sound at 6 weeks. I knew then that it was for real. I was so excited I was so happy and everything was good except I was really sick with her.

Around my fourth month, I told my doctor I had heaviness in my pelvis. He said that it was nothing just my uterus stretching so I did not pursue it anymore. I figured I was just being paranoid.

Jan, 17,2002 that was the day for the ultrasound where we would find out what we were having. It was confirmed it was a girl. My son got so excited to hear his little sister's heartbeat. My husband and I could not have been happier. We were going to have our family completed.

The maternal fetal specialist told me to come back in a month for another ultrasound and he said that the baby looked great and so did everything else. I had an appt on Feb 4,2002, and I was discussing birthing plans with the doctor and planning for the upcoming event in June.

I started to not feel good on the 5th. I thought I had a urinary tract infection so I figured I would call the doctor on the 6th. I went to bed and woke up in the morning and my underware was soaked. I thought she must have pushed on me hard and made me wet myself. I went back to sleep only to wake up and when I went to the bathroom again there was blood.

I called the doctor and they said I better come to the office right away. I waited for my husband to get home and we left for the doctor's office. We were seen right away by the doctor who was not very caring he checked her heartbeat and it was good but when he checked me my cervix was 3 centimeters dilated and he said there was an infection.

Then he told us that we were going to have to deliver the baby and that she was going to die. We were very upset because he had no sympathy he was so cold.

We went over to the hospital they had people waiting for me in the entrance to take me up to labor and delivery. They said that they had to stop my contractions because they were coming every 2 minutes so they pumped me full of iv-mag and antibiotics and put a catheter in me and from there on I was on total bed rest. They inverted my bed to an up-side down position. They had planned to take me to the or and do a cerclage to try to sew my cervix shut so I could hold her in longer. As long as my membranes did not break or infection spread through me.

Through the night i had felt something because my back was all wet, but I did not know that my membranes ruptured until after they took me to give me general anethisia. Then I guess they saw the infection spread and that they could not do it.

They told my husband that if our daughter stayed inside me I would die because the infection was spreading through me even though I was already on antibiotics. They also told him that the infection would kill out daughter within 12 hours.

So they woke me up and told me, but what I can remember most of all is seeing my husband come into the recovery room with a box of tissues in his hand crying and that was a guess a reality check for me because I knew at that point it was not a dream anymore and that this was really going to happen.

So we called all our family and we had them there so Rrebecca could meet her uncles and her grandparents. They induced me and that was the worst. I knew that I was going to have to give her birth only to watch her die. Finally she came out and she was one pound and 2 ounces and 11 inches long she was so beautiful.

They handed her to me and she looked at me and she got this huge smile across her face, then she curled her finger around my husband's. She knew who her mommy and daddy was even though she was only 23 weeks old. They told me that I should dress her. So I dressed her with the help of my mom and my step-mom.

She was held the whole time she was alive. She lived for three and a half hours. We had pictures taken with her and they even did the nursey pictures. She was baptised and she was weighed and measured and even in one of this little nursey carts they have for full-term babies. They did her foot prints and her id bracelet. She was with us the whole time except for half an hour when they had to do all that to her.

At 7:00 pm that night Rebecca was in my arms and she smiled again and her heart stop beating in my arms = just where she should have been in her mommy's arms. We love her so much and it is especially hard explaining to our son where she is.

We had a funeral. We visit her every week, but I really wish she was here with us. There is something I have learned through this whold experience that "a baby is a precious gift from god and sometimes gifts are taken too soon but are always replaced with another gift from god but more than likely the next precious gift will be permanent".

On January 19th this year, my baby was born with the condition osteogenesis imperfecta type 2 - the worse senario.

The whole experience was terrifing and even though I had everyone around me - I felt so alone. Especially leading up to the Saturday that I was going in for the termination. Though I put on a strong face, and I was strong as I knew that I was doing the right thing for him - as he would have been born, stillborn if I had carried on the pregnancy. All I would of acheived was to put him in pain for the final 3 months.

He was born at 5 1/2 months, but I miss him so much. I thought I would be getting better, but I am feeling worse at the moment. It is coming up to the time of his rightful due date and I should be so excited now, but I can't be.

The reason I have written on this site is that I would like to speak to someone who is going though the same thing. I need to talk and I don't find it easy to talk to people who are close as it upsets me so much. I fell so low at the moment. I just can't go through this on my own anymore. Iwould be very greatful if there was anyone out there that we can share our thoughts.

Thank you,

My husband and I have been trying for a baby for over 10 years. We did succeed on ivf but at 22 weeks and five days, we lost our daughter Renee' Elizabeth. She only became stillbirth because my placenta abrupted otherwise she would have been a very healthy baby.

Even though she wasn't breathing she was a beautiful baby anyway. We will miss her very much.

I had and lost a beautiful baby girl on March 20th 2002 @20 weeks due to a blood clot inside her sack.

It all started when I was 8 weeks I started bleeding I went to the dr. and he picked her heart beat right up so he sent me home and told me that we just have to wait and see what happens. So I did and finally at 12 weeks they did my 1st ultrasound and found nothing but a active little baby this whole time Ive had bleeding.

Well when I was 16 weeks they did another ultrasound and this time they found a blood clot about the size of a baseball inside her sack and from there they sent me to a high risk dr. He put me on bedrest right off and I also have a 2 year old so complete bed rest wasn't gonna happen.

Well on March 19th I woke up with the worst headache I couldnt even open my eyes. It was so bad I couldnt eat and later that evening my fever went up to 103 I called my dr. telling him I felt really bad and my fever was so high. He made a appointment for me the next day.

Well I went to bed about 9 that night and at 9:30 I woke up having contractions every 5-7 min. I didnt sleep the whole night because they were getting so intense my bleeding picked up passing clots. I made it through the night and when I got up that morning I passed the blood clot that was the start of my problems so I thought my pain would go away but that only intenseified the pain. My husband took me to the ER they called my dr from there and he told me to come there.

They had me running all over the place I could barely walk cause the pain was so bad. So I get to my dr. office. There were about half a dozen other pregnant women in there and here I was in crying pain losing my child.

Anyways they do a ultrasound and Kayla was fine, but I was intense pain something was wrong. I kept telling them and no one would listen. Well he checks me and my cervix was closed tight so he sent me home.

By the time I get home the pain was so bad that I just laid in the floor screaming crying begging for the pain to stop. Four hours of this pain and I have a strong contraction and my water POPS I run to the bathroom. I couldn't hold her back.

She was born living - stretching her lil legs trying to breathe. About 4 min later she died in my hands at my home. She was so perfect she was just to good for this world and god found himself a lil angel.

Kayla Marie Martinez 3-20-2002 born @ 20 weeks.

My three losses...

I found out that I was pregnant on July 17, 2001. I was so happy and scared to death because I had a miscarriage June 1, 2001. I was only a few weeks pregnant with my first pregnancy.

I had finally made the long road past the first trimester. I thought that since I made it past the dangerous stage that we were on our way to have a baby.

On October 1, 2001 I woke up at about 2:00am. Then all of a sudden my water broke. All I remember thinking was that it was happening again. I went to the ER and after having an ultra sound done we found out that there was no fluid around the baby.

Later that evening I had to deliver her. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do.

My doctor told me that I shouldn't look at her. That is my biggest regret. I wish that I would have. But I know that she is looking down on us and that is a great comfort to me.

Well, my bad luck struck yet a third time. On July 1, 2002 it happened again. I was so ready to get pregnant again after my second loss. And to my surprise it happened pretty quickly. I was so happy. I felt like this time it will be okay. I went to the doctor and was checked out and was given my options. I had to give myself injections twice a day and give myself progesterone suppositories twice a day. I was trying so hard. I went by the book and stayed off my feet. I knew that it was going to be okay but I wanted to take every precaution. After my first trimester I had to have an untrasound every 2 weeks to check my cervix. So far so good. Unfortunately 3 days after my last appointment I was in the restroom at work and felt like a water balloon was going to fall out of me. I immediately panicked and called my doctor. I had to go to the ER and found out that I was completely dilated. Since I was complete a cerclage wasn't even an option. I had to deliver him. I was terrified.! It was like this bad dream was being relived all over again. I couldn't believe it. How? I tried to hard. Even though I know that it was nothing that I did, it still hurt. The difference in this loss than my other one was that I saw him. He was perfect. Tiny-but perfect. I held him and got pictures of him. I will never forget how beautiful he was. I had him cremated and he is here at home with us and that has made it alot easier on me. I know now that my next pregnancy I have to have a cerclage. That will help but I am still terrified. I am going to try again but it will be a long time Noelle
Hailey Noelle Wilson
10/01/01
and
Jacob Nathaniel Wilson
7/1/02
Second trimester loss
Douglasville, GA
9/15/02

It's only been 3 1/2 weeks since my son Phoenix was taken from us. I still find it hard to believe his is gone.

I was 22 weeks into an uneventful pregnancy when the unspeakable happened, I went into preterm labor. Since this was my first pregnancy. and I wasn't sure what I was feeling, I called my doctor and was assured by the nurse that it couldn't be labor, it was way to early. She told be not to worry, but to call back if the pain got worse or if I started bleeding.

By that evening I knew something was wrong and I call the doctor back. I was told to go to the hospital so I could be checked out and see if it was indeed labor. When I arrived at the hospital I was put on a fetal monitor and was monitored for contractions, which they find at first.

After a while, they did confirm I was in labor and they started me on a Magnesium Sulfate IV to try to stop the contractions. I was then transfered by ambulance to a larger hospital that was better equipped to handle my situation.

When I arrived at Jackson Memorial Hospital, I was taken to the FICU floor and was continually monitered and tested on a regular basis. They were able to slow my contraction down for a while, but not stop them completely. I was sent up to another floor that morning for a while to be more comfortable, but by that evening, all hope was lost of saving my baby. My contractions were coming on stronger and more frequently again and I was dialated 4 cm.

The doctor came to see my husband and I and was asked if we wanted the IV stopped so that my labor could progress and our child be born. We consented since there was no more they could do and we knew that we were going to lose our son since he was to early to survive ( 2 more weeks and he might have had a chance).

I was taken up to labor and delivery, was given demirol for the pain (as if anything could dull my pain at that point) and the IV was removed. I really don't have a clear memory of what happened after after that I was so doped up, but I do remember my water breaking, having to push, and finally feeling my tiny son being born. Then all I remember was intense physical pain.

My husband told me that I was bleeding very badly and they couldn't stop it so the doctor was massaging my uterus to try and control the bleeding, which they finally did, thank God. After that, nothing!

But the worst was yet to come anyway. Physically, I came through OK, but now the emotional pain was to begin. I've been through a lot of things in my life, but this has to be the most painful.

Thankfully I have a wonderful support group of family and friends, and I know that my husband and I will get through this. We do plan on trying to conceive again in the near future and we are sure that we will be blessed with another child to love.

I have been to a new doctor (today as a matter of fact) and he said that he see no reason why we cant try again as soon as we are ready! This was the first happy day I've had in a while, and it felt good to be happy, at least for now.

He also said that the reason for my preterm labor was a massive infection in the amniotic sac, fluid and umbical cord. He said that he could monitor me during my next pregnancy for infection and that it shouldn't happen again.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story with you. Hopefully the next one will have a happy ending! God bless everyone and my sympathies to all who have suffered the loss of a baby. No one can understand quite like someone else who has been through it. Hugs to all!!

My husband and I were married on March 27th 1999. I was 23 and he was 32. He has 2 daughters from a previous relationship that live with us and we were very anxious to start our own family. We tried for a year before finding out that we were pregnant on April 7, 2000. We were so excited! I was due on December 13.

I laid awake most of the first week after we found out just thinking about the little life inside me. I am a Type II diabetic so I saw my doctor early and often. Although there was some concern over birth defects due to the diabetes all of my doctors told me that everything looked great and that I was progressing nicely.

When I was 23 weeks, on a Monday morning, I started having mild contractions. They were painless at first and I wasn't sure if they were really even contractions since I didn't know what they were supposed to feel like. I called the advice nurse at my doctor's office who assured me that what I was feeling was ligament pain and to take it easy and call back if I started bleeding or leaking fluid.

On and off for the next 12-16 hours the pain got worse and I called twice more only to be reassured that surely this was my ligaments stretching since there was no bleeding or fluid. After being kept awake all night Monday by the pain I called the doctor's office for the 4th time on Tuesday morning. They finally agreed to see me if for no other reason than to put what they thought was my hysterical mind at ease.

At 9:00 am when my doctor checked me I could tell by the look on her face that it was not good. My bag of waters were bulging and I was 3cm dilated. I was instantly admitted to labor and delivery and I was terrified. I was positioned in the Trandelemberg position and was started in an IV of Magnesium to try and stop the contractions.

My husband was at work and out of sheer terror I had forgotten the number to call him. I called my mom who lives 2 hours away and she was immediately on her way. In the meantime I was able to get ahold of my husband who also came. Before he got there the perinatologist came and did an ultrasound and told me two things. One the contractions were getting stronger not stopping ( I could have told him that) and two the baby's foot was already presenting and there was nothing they could do. I was devastated.

When my husband arrived he was smiling, not realizing the severity of what was going on and I had to break the news to him that our baby boy was not going to make it. It was heart breaking for all of us.

After several hours of labor our precious baby, Jordan Joseph, was born on July 25, 2000 weighing 10.4 ounces and was 9.5 inches long. We were amazed at how perfectly formed he was. He looked just exactly like my husband. We held him and loved him and were given pictures and momentos of him. We had a small service and he is buried at a cemetery near our home.

We were told by the doctors that they had no idea why this had happened and could be pretty sure it would not happen again. Still it took a very long time before I got the courage to try again.

Eventually I was ready and on April 22,2002 we found out that we were expecting again. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time. Another December baby, this one due December 25. I could hardly believe it. I thought all of the dreams and plans I had were going to finally come true.

I saw the doctor for the first time at 4 weeks 5 days due to my diabetes and history. I went to a different doctor because my health coverage had changed in the 2 years since I'd had Jordan. I gave him a complete history of what had happened and he felt confident that everything would be fine this time. He also referred me to a perinatologist to see on a regular basis.

Everything was going along perfectly and you can imagine our joy when on July 25th, the 2 year anniversary of Jordan's death, we found out we were having another boy. Soon I had almost hit my 23 week mark so I was feeling more and more secure that the baby we had wanted for so long would soon be ours.

The morning of August 25, 2002 I woke up feeling fine. I went to church and came home in the afternoon feeling just a little more tired than usual. At about 4:45 pm I went to the restroom and discovered that I was spotting. I was instantly terrified and called the hospital. I sat on my bed crying and telling my husband I couldn't go through this again, I couldn't lose another baby.

The receptionist at the hospital said she would have my doctor call me right back. About 30 seconds after I hung up the phone the first contraction hit. I told my husband to take me to the hospital right then and there that we were not going to wait for the doctor to call back. The hospital was only 15 min away and when I got there they took me directly back and discovered that I was already 7 cm dilated. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This was the first time I remember hearing the words incompetent cervix.

In my heart I knew that I was going to lose this little one too. I was once again immediately admitted into labor and delivery and put into the trandelemberg position. They also started an IV of magnesium to try and stop the contractions. I am pretty sure I was in shock at this point because I just began to feel numb all over. I didn't hear or see or feel what anyone was doing.

My husband called my family and my mom, dad, sisters and brother all drove from 2 hours away to be by our side. All through Sunday night I had strong regular contractions. Monday morning I felt pretty sure that I was going to deliver at any time and the doctor felt the same. Then all of a sudden I threw up twice and all of my contractions just stopped. I told the doctor this when she came in a little while later but she still felt pretty sure he was about to come. She even had me try to push 2 different times. Nothing happened.

For most of Monday and Tuesday I had no contractions at all. We started to have a little hope although the doctors warned us that most likely infection was going to set in soon and if it did they would have to start pitocin to get the baby out so that I did not get ill. Then Tuesday evening at about 4:30 my labor started up again as forcefully and suddenly as it had left. I knew this was it and by about 8:00pm I was ready to push.

On Tuesday, August 27, 2002, my beautiful son Jayden Glenn was born. He weighed 1lb. 3.5 ozs and was 11.5 inches long. He was so beautiful and perfect and while our first son Jordan looked just like my husband, baby Jayden looked just like me. It was amazing! He lived for about 5 min and died in my husband’s arms. We were given his footprints, pictures and a little gown and were able to hold him for as long as we liked. I took my time with him and admired every inch of him so many times. With Jordan my sorrow and the shock of it all prevented me from taking the time I wanted with him and I was determined not to do that again.

He was buried in the same cemetery as Jordan and we were blessed enough to be able to put them right next to each other and I have no doubts that they are taking care of each other.

To me there are two very amazing things about my story that I would like to share. First both of my boys were born on a Tuesday at 8:50 pm. When I read the remembrance card that we were given for Jayden and saw that he was born at exactly the same time as his brother I felt a chill run across my entire body. I have no doubts that the labor stopped for a reason and that it is not a coincidence that he was born at exactly the same time, same day of the week and 2 years 1 month 2days apart from his brother.

Secondly when we were having Jayden's memorial service we were sitting very quietly and peacefully and reflecting on life in general. The program part of the service was over and we were sitting at the cemetery. From seemingly out of nowhere 2 white doves landed on a little pathway near where we were sitting. One was quite a bit bigger than the other one, which later on struck me, because even though they were exactly the same gestational age, Jayden weighed twice as much as Jordan did. They wandered peacefully down the path next to each other for several minutes and we discovered later that we were all thinking the same thing. Then another beautiful white dove, that was bigger and stronger looking than the other two, came and landed right in front of them and led them down the path. My husband and I looked at each other and at almost the same time whispered that is our baby God will give us some day.

I do believe in God and I do believe that my boys are safe with him and that he has a plan for all of us in this lifetime. I love my boys and do not regret having them and will hold them in my heart forever.