SHARE Atlanta Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Grief Support

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"Sharing" Our Stories/Thoughts - Along this Path

A Father's/Man's Grief


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A Father's Grief

No Heartbeat

Our child has died before his birth
People have nothing to say
To us it does not matter
We love him anyway

Roger D.
   SHARE Atlanta



Sometimes the worst thing that you could imagine
in your mind is exceeded by reality.
I cannot accept the images and the pain of our loss and
I have realized that the stress
of the last three years has taken its toll.
(At 32)... I feel very old.

John in Canada

Poems, Letters and Thoughts found on this Page

"No Heartbeat" by Roger (9/97)

"...realized we are not alone in how we feel..." by Cliff (11/97)

"To My Dearest Jake" by Barry (1/98)

"For Meghan" by Grandpa Banks (3/98)

"Haley" by Greg (3/98)

"For Emma" by Alan (4/98)

"To Our Dearest Angel," by Dawn and Danny (9/23/98)

"PopPop" wrote this on the day of Grady's birth and also read it at his funeral..." by PopPop (10/13/98)


"The stories and articles that I have read so far have helped me continue to cope with our loss." by Steve (3/12/99)

"Our little man Thomas Joseph came into the world..." by Thomas (3/17/99)

"Ruger" by Grandpa, Jodi's father (5/12/99)

"I Could not Understand" by Richard - a very special note from a close relative who does understand...(7/13/99)

"DADDYS LITTLE ANGEL" by Jason (10/10/01)

"MY BO BO (6/20/86)" by Fred (1/17/02)

Angelic Kathleen" by Mums (2/11/02)

"We lost our daughter Sydney on February 19th which ironically was the day we were to start lamaze class." by Carter, Sidney's dad (3/27/02)

"This is to all the 'forgotten' fathers out there." by Michael (9/1/06)

"Baby Hope" by Steve (10/19/02)

"Waiting" by Jim (10/24/03) GA


No Heartbeat
Nothing else need be said
We cannot find the heartbeat
I am afraid your son is dead

Two words that changed our lives forever
Nothing will be the same
Two words that brought us closer together
We hope we won't go insane

Our child has died before his birth
People have nothing to say
To us it does not matter
We love him anyway

Now we go on with our lives
Strangers ask me everyday
How many children do you have
I don't quite know what to say

I tell them I have a son
Who died before he was born
He was truly an inspiration
Now we only can mourn

Don't be so sad they say
You are still so very young
It was meant to be, they say
You can always have another one

How stupid you are in your world
No understanding for my pain
My child was alive and we loved him
Nothing will ever be the same

Now we know we aren't alone
Two words have affected so many
We all love our children
Even when our arms are empty

We cannot find the heartbeat
We cannot find the rhythm
Our child has died and left us
We will hold him again in heaven.

-written by Roger D. in loving memory of Russell Joseph D., who was stillborn at term due to a probable cord accident on April 7, 1992.

Roger read his poem at the SHARE Atlanta Memorial Service - May 1996. It was our first "Father's" entry on our site. He and his wife have financed our website, in memory of Russell, since it started in 1997. In doing so, many more parents have been reached. SHARE Atlanta and I thank them both very much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I'm glad I had a chance to read all the comments everyone has made, and have realized we are not alone in how we feel.

We love and miss our daughter Katherine very much. Katherine will be in our hearts and memories forever.

We love you,
Mommy and Daddy

Las Vegas, Nv

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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To My Dearest Jake,

I know you are watching over me, and daddy is trying his best, but the pain of missing you is just so overwhelming.

I love you

My son Jake died over three years ago from tratology of fallot with absent pulmonary valve. I would like to speak to other parents, as I still grieve for him everyday. Thank you.

Jake Tyler
Died soon after birth
Roslyn, NY
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For Meghan-

In a twinklin of an eye,
A princess said "goodbye."

For me not to cry-
I'm an angel flying high.

And, when my name comes to mind-
Look what I left behind

All the love we shared,
And all the time I knew you cared,

And all the smiles I gave you,
Are just the start of something new-

Blessings from above and
a very special love

Are what I give to thee
so in YOU, all will see,

An Angel
Partly ME.

Written by Grandpa Banks Jan 1998

Meghan Elizabeth George
Tampa, FL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My name is Greg Stluka. My wife Dawn and I lost a beautiful baby girl two years ago. Although I am only a father my arms also ache to hold and protect my baby girl. The loss has been difficlut to bear for both of us.

We have sought comfort in different ways and have also experienced grief very differently. Although time has past, the pain is still there. I think of her every day and wish we had had the opportunity to raise her.


I once held an angel in my arms
A gift from the heavens above
Hoping to keep her safe from all harms
She was brought here with love

So beautiful and pure
With her mommy's nose and face
Why she's gone I'm not sure
But she left a black, empty space

I never pushed her in a playground swing
Or built her a house for a doll
Only a casket with my hands for her leaving
It all left me feeling so small

May you watch from above
And give us your love


Greg Stluka
Haley Jo Stluka
Yankton, SD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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A wave of sadness and pain
intent on drowning
comes crashing
and engulfed by the blackness
sight is removed
and panic as grief
takes hold
until I see her

She leaps and dives
and waves and winks
and smiles
the unconditional
always present smile
of deep and trusting love
and I follow
in my dreams
comforted content happy
with my little dolphin

"Christmas" for some more of Alan's thoughts and a Christmas poem.

Dublin, Ireland

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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To Our Dearest Angel,

I want you to know that even know you were only with us for 9 weeks we still love and miss you. We don't know if you were a boy or girl but we would be happy just to have you. Your daddy and I were so excited when we heard that you were in my tummy.

It is really hard for me to understand why you had to leave, but I know you are safe with God and your other brother or sister.

Here is something daddy wrote for you:

You touched our lives for only a short time. We will never know how you will have turned out, but you are still special to us.

You will never know the love we have for you. It is not fair because we will never get to experience playing in the park with you, or watching you play baseball, or watching you in your dance recitals.

We know you are in good hands with our family and God in heaven. One day we will be together again in the arms of God. Until then always know that we will always love you and miss you Baby Price. Watch over me and your mommy and please help mommy understand why you cannot be with us. You will always be in our hearts.

We love and miss you!


Mom and Dad

Danny and Dawn
Blake Daniel or Haley Nicole/Baby Price
8/7/98 Groves, Tx

Marcia's Thoughts: You have given so many reasons why we miss these special babies. We call these "secondary losses...the loss of being a parent of a living child, the loss of our future with this child.., the loss of our hopes and dreams with this child..." these are very real losses and add to our grief of miscarriage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"PopPop" wrote this on the day of Grady's birth and also read it at his funeral:

"June 26, 1998, Friday. Grady Joseph Mulrenin, I want to thank YOU for being a part of my life. I asked the Lord with all my heart to let you stay. HE said okay, but just for one day.

Well, Little Guy, You showed Paul and Stacey and all the rest of both families what Love is all about. We cried, we begged, we pleaded to let Grady stay. We hugged and kissed and openly expressed our Love for each other. Even though You have the most loving parents God ever created, He said again "Just for ONE day".

Your very proud Grandfather,

For more thoughts from Stacey..."Grady Joseph Mulrenin's Memorial Mass" and "Grady, Paul and Me" by Stacey (10/13/98)

Grady Joseph Mulrenin
Died soon after birth
Tampa, FL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I would just like to say that this website is a wonderful idea. I hope it will help and bring comfort to those who have suffered stillbirths or miscarriages.

We had a son, Samuel, stillborn on May 11, 1997. We still struggle with this, even though we now have a daughter, Hannah, now 11 months old.

The stories and articles that I have read so far have helped me continue to cope with our loss. Thanks, again, Steve

Covington, Ga

Marcia's thoughts: It is so hard to realize that a pregnancy and/or newborn loss can cause us so much pain and grief. We would like to believe society when it supports a brief grieving process...especially with "such an early loss."

As I have written, the books on this topic reflect, and the letters on the site from parents clearly state - because we have loss a part of us, our future, and someone special who was to be with us forever - we grieve. As with any other loss, noone can "replace" this special baby.

We can (and thankfully, do...) love subsequent or our living children, but we still have the pain from the one we loss.

It takes time, work and understanding to cope with this...and this is a NORMAL process. We must allow ourselves the space to grieve.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Our little man Thomas Joseph came into the world
on the 10/3/99 he was stillborn yet so beautiful.

We buried him on the 18/3/99, it was at funeral realisation for myself and my partner that instead of being at home changing dirty nappies and sleepless nights our little man was eternally resting and we were never going to see him with all of his "firsts".

We have collected alot of momentos from not only the hospital but from the funeral, we not only celebrated the loss of our first born baby boy, but we celebrated his birthday. We combined the two to make the day memorable and taped everything so we could savour every minute we had with Thomas.

Thomas Joseph

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ his Grandfather

We lost our baby boy on April 27th, 1999. I am numb all over, and at times wonder if I will ever feel anything again.

My dad wrote the following for me, and I would like to share it.

My mommy and daddy were happy to announce, the coming of another child, more joy to fill the house. They told their mommies and their daddies, and they were happy too. They shared in their happiness, cause that's what mommies and daddies do.

My mommy and daddy didn't care what I would be. All they cared was that I was one, and with Cheyenne and Beretta made three.

When the time came, it didn't go as planned, and my mommy and daddy, they did not understand. They asked their mommies and their daddies to give them a guiding hand.

Their mommies and daddies said, this must be part of God's plan.

So mommy and daddy don't worry I'm up here with God each day. I'm watching Great Grandpa Chet whittle, and Great Grandma lay crochet, and Uncle Brad will keep me company till you come to be with me.

So mommy and daddy please listen, I assure you I'm in no pain. You will always be my mommy and daddy, and I'll always be your Ruger Zane.

Ruger baby, mommy and daddy love you with all our hearts, and miss you so much.

Ruger Zane Phelps
Findlay, IL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I Could not Understand

Please let me relate this rather long story. I can remember it today as if it only happened yesterday.

My sister called up to visit us - we lived about a mile from each other and my sister and my wife are as close as REAL sisters and not sisters-in-law. I was ushered into the sitting room while my sister and Maureen, my wife, discussed womens' things.

Why we men are not allowed to eavesdrop on these conversations has always puzzled me. Anyway, I knew better than to question either of them. My sister did seem to be somewhat upset and I thought she might be wanting a lift somewhere or maybe she was going to ask if we'd look after her dog for a few days. I thought of everything but the real thing.

After about fifteen minutes Maureen came into the sitting room and quitely told me that our niece, my sister's daughter, had lost the baby she had been carrying. I was quite upset as I always liked my niece a great deal and knew she was looking forward to having this little baby.

My wife said that she and my sister were going down to my sister's house and that they would be back soon.

They did indeed return within half an hour and they had our niece with them. I was quite surprised as I was of the opinion that she should be in hospital. (What do we men know?!)

I called Maureen to one side and said "I thought you said Eleanor (our niece) had lost the baby". This was because, looking at her she still appeared extremely 'pregnant'.

Maureen explained to me that the little baby had died inside of our niece. She further explained that our niece would have to be taken into hospital at some future date where she would be induced to deliver her 'dead' baby. This was really too much for me.

I could not understand how a woman could bear that amount of pain, that excess of diappointment, that torture of having to go into a hospital, occupy a bed adjacent to other women who unlike you, would give birth to a baby while you would go through pain and heartache to deliver something that God had taken from you.

These thoughts stayed with me for quite some time after that day. No matter what I did, I could not get them out of my mind. When this has happened to me before I always found that once I put what I am feeling on to paper, the pain eases and eventually goes away altogether. That was how I came to write this little poem.

I imagined that I was my niece and that I had lost this little baby. I hope you don't find my little poem offensive.

A Lament for My Baby

I never got to hear you laugh
You never saw me cry
'Didn't get a chance to say 'Hello'
You never said 'Goodbye

I didn't think that I could feel
So sad, lost and forlorn
I never knew God chose his Angels
Before some of them are born.

Your life was short yet special
I shared it all exclusively
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick
You were alive inside of me.

Every baby is an Angel
And every Angel is divine
God needed one in Heaven
He came down and he took mine

And although we're not together
We're not really apart
For you'll always occupy a space
Deep within my heart.

Time has begun to ease my pain
It's only some days now I cry
When I wish I could have said 'Hello'
And heard you say 'Goodby'


Nieces baby -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Second trimester loss

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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My little girl was born in Baton Rouge, La and almost instantly I knew something was wrong. When they got her cleaned up and whatever else they do to get the baby on their way to babydom she was blue and purple all over her body and head, but not her face ... and this is what caused the medical foul up I believe.

We were told that she had pneumonia and that she would be fine after a few days in the NCU unit at the hospital, so of course we believed them (they are the ones with the degrees). Well, after 3 weeks in the NCU and no improvement, other than the Doctor still asserting that it was pneumonia, we tried to get a specialist called in on her case and this is where DR. A came in.

He was a respected respirtory specialist in the BR area (I will not print his name). Well any way he came in and checked her one time and concurred with the other doctor that it was pneumonia. These people never ran a sonogram or any other test on Ashley - all they ever did was listen to her breathing.

Well, after 1 more week of this I packed up everything that I owned and left my job and checked her out of the hospital in BR and we headed north to Children's Hospital in Dallas, TX (of course this was over the objections of the doctors in LA). We arrived in Dallas on the 16 of May at 9:00am and by 11:30am Ashley was in the NCU at Children's (after they ran a sonogram on her heart).

My daughter's heart was inverted in her chest, meaning that her aorta and her pulmonary artery were reversed. The blood going to her body had no O2 in it and the blood going to her lungs had all the O2 (well this could have been found in about 20 minutes in BR, but they never took the time).

Yes I am bitter, but it got worse when the doctors at Children’s told us that the surgery that she needed should have been done before she was a week old, that way her odds would have been about 50/50 and now that it has taking so long her odds were about 20% at the most!

Well this was on May 17,1986, and then she started to get infections and all that did was hold back her heart surgery longer and longer, she had ear infections (two), bladder, kidney and upper respiratory infections…. she was a mess.

On June 17,1986 was the only time I saw my little girl smile. I had been out all day doing some cash jobs and I came into her room about 6:00pm (at this time they had moved her to a private room) and she turned her head toward the door when she heard my voice and there bigger than the sun she smiled at me. I will tell you the truth that was the happiest five minutes of my life (it almost makes what I had gone through and still go through worth it).

But all good things had to come to an end. When the nurse had to get a urine sample and instead of a catheter, they stuck a needle through her bladder and took it that way. She never stopped crying and nether have I (in over 14 years). The next morning at 5:00 am they took Ashley into surgery and after 17 hours the Doctor came to tell us that everything went fine and the next 24 hrs. Would be the telling point if she would survive or not.

We made it through the first 24 hours without any problems, and then we were talking to the Doctor down in the smoking lounge of the hospital. (long since been removed) He was telling us how everything was going and how hopeful he was that everything would turn out fine, when I heard the worst sound I have ever in my life heard “ CODE BLUE FOR DOCTOR ---- IN THE NCU RECOVERY” I new what it was!!!!

My little Bo had died of a major heart attack caused by a blood clot that had developed in her chest. She was such a fighter, but I guess it just got to be too much for her to fight anymore. This was at 2:12am June 20,1986.

She was two months three days old and I have not recovered from that little angle to this day. I still think of her daily and wonder what she would be like.

I have blamed myself for not doing something sooner in LA. I have and still do blame GOD for putting her through so much pain (and her parents). People came up to me at her funeral saying that it was GOD”s will it was part of His great plan, BS!!! I know that I will probably make people mad, but if His plan was to make a little child suffer the way she did, then please don’t make me part of the GREAT PLAN. Ashley and us have already done our part!!!

At the graveside service Ashley rode in the backset of the Cadillac with her mom and me and then when we got there I was her only pallbearer, because my wife brought her in to this world and I was taking her out of it. The preacher was talking about this and that and the whole time I was thinking “what does this man know or any of these other people know, they haven’t been where I have been and I hope they never are in my shoes”, because it is a angry, ugly place to be!

Now I have two healthy beautiful boys and a wonderful stepson, but I just have a hard time enjoying life and I don’t know how to get my life back together. Before Ashley I was happy-go-lucky guy that loved to go the circus or the fair, but now all I want is to be left alone and I fear that someday everyone is going to grant me my wish!!! I have already driven one wife away and the other one is trying to hold it together. I’m sorry for all the rambling, but I just need to get off my chest. Thanks for reading this.

Fred Simpson

Dallas, TX

Ashley Simpson

Marcia's comments:Your letter spoke of your deep love for your daughter, Ashley, and I could feel your pain and anguish of the circumstances of her life and death. So much love to give and you gave it to her - she knew it - she gave you her smile and her love. You carried her in life and in death. You will always have her in your heart and soul.

Every parent wants to protect his/her child. That is our role. We do the best we can with each of our little ones. I did - you did. I believe that our children know we tried our best (there is more known today about this condition then in '86). You DID get her to better care and you all worked together.

As parents we want to fix what went wrong and because we can't go back and do this we keep going over the details and blaming ourselves for any failures. By doing this over and over again, we deny ourselves the "permission to grieve" in order to heal.

Your writing the story out is a big step toward beginning to heal. It is NEVER TOO LATE TO HEAL. Ashley (as any child would) would want her daddy to grieve her loss but then to heal. She will always be a part of who you are. She can be a very special part if you can think of a way to make her life a meaningful part of who you are. She would want you to forgive yourself of any preceived wrong.

Here are my thoughts about God...just as a sharing thought-not intended to be judging at all, I had to work through my intense anger with God, too. I know now that he could handle it. These thoughts are mine - just as a side thought around what you shared... I don't believe God WANTS us to hurt. I am a Christain and I believe in the fall (when Adam and Eve ate the apple and God said bad things were going to be part of mankind's existence) then we know that bad things happen. (We are not puppets on a string in a perfect world - we have choices, pain, and ways to work through difficult - impossible! times.) God then sent Jesus for hope and love and guidance. Jesus LOST ALL before he died on the cross for our salvation. He knows our pain. Because he died, our babies are in peace, and He stands with us as we suffer to comfort us as we will let him - in our efforts to grieve and heal. I know for me, my comfort has been in finding ways to make the three special babies that I have lost - meaningful in my life. I can't fix the past, but I can influence my future and future of those I love.

If you read "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal" (in the drop down box) you will see that I don't think that grieving and healing is easy. But, I do think it is doable. I believe our special babies and our living children want us to survive and work through our pain. I think you want this desparately. Wanting it is a BIG step in gaining it.

I wrote "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal" with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. It is based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief.

Please know that with work you can heal - even 15 years later. (Read Carolyn's "Take Joy" on the page I put your story.)

I am glad you got this off your chest, I hope you will continue your journey.

You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of Ashley or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain.

I often say that all five of my children, the three in heaven and the two here on this earth have helped to make me who I am today. Each one of your children can do the same for you....

Also, I have just started a forum (1/18/02) for "instant message" to a larger group of visitors than just a direct email to one person (like on my site) - though you can direct a message to just one person on the forum but everyone will read it. There are topics similar to those found on the site at the forum. Consider inviting someone from our site or a supportive online friend to join you at the forum (the last entry in the Main Drop Down Topic Menu Box on our site). Or just visit the forum, there is a subtopic about "Thoughts After 5 Years or More" listed and maybe others will join in. I think you will find, that others take years to work through their pain, too - especially if they didn't do the grief work right at first. I have had people join me at groups who have had a lost as many as 15 or more years ago, that begin to work through their grief and it happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Angelic Kathleen

I was just out searching the web and found this website. I read all these posts by women and there grief but see none from us guys. I wonder why. Maybe I am not the norm I guess.

What do you say when you lose a child like this to a miscarriage. My wife and I had tried for 5 years to get pregnent. She had some medical problems but in the summer of 97 she got pregnant. How wonderful it was for both of us. It was our first baby.

Things were going great until about 10 weeks, we went for an ultra sound and there was no heart beat. When they told us the doctor wanted to see us right away we new something was not right. We lost our baby, at the time she was 36 and me 38 so our chances of another baby were remote at best.

Needless to say Christmas that year was tough, and in our case she started to drift away from. I tried to be the comforting husband, I did my best to be there for her. We had a little service with the church to try and help with our grief. Well she began to drift away from me. She needed someone to blame and as it worked out I was the one. For no logical reason she blamed me and to this day she will even say that. But what happened was she continued to drift away, withdrawl from me and by March of 98 she separated from me, and then left me for a divorce in August of 99.

I was devastated. To this day it still is really hard for me to understand. It all started when she lost the baby. We had a great marriage to that point. In a matter of a couple of months, I lost my baby, my wife who I loved dearly, and my home.

To this day its still very sad for me to think about all those times, I just wonder what if you know. It still hurts so much, and I have to say, there are guys out there who feel the loss but there just afarid to admit it I guess.


Angelic Kathleen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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We lost our daughter Sydney on February 19th which ironically was the day we were to start lamaze class.

In early January 2002, we were sent to a perinatologist because my wife Amy had had was having complications due to TTP. She had been at home for almost two months.

Our specialist did an ultrasound and told us that our best option at that Amy's placenta had ruptured. She barely had 5% of the normal fluid surrounding our baby. He told us our best option was to terminate her pregnancy. Furthermore, he felt it should take place soon as her health was in danger the further we went.

Amy didn't want to listen to this and refused to see the doctor again. I wanted her to have the termination because I didn't want to risk her health. We argued very heatedly for days. I told her I ddidn't want to lose her and I definitely didn't want to have a child with a lot of birth defects.

Eventually she saw another specialist 3 weeks later. Surprisingly, our baby still had a heartbeat and was growing. Our regular OB/GYN felt that maybe we could deliver a little after 24 weeks. So I begin to have hope.

Unfortunately it was not to be. Amy starting complaining of pain in her side so I rushed her to the hospital. We lost our daughter Sydney on February 19th which ironically was the day we were to start lamaze class.

She weighed approximately 1 pound. I got to hold her a couple of times and then we had her cremated.

Now after all is said and done, I wish she would have made it. I wish I could have seen her at least take a breath, defects or none. She was my flesh and blood. I will never know her and I blame myself.

"My Story" by Amy (Sydney's Mother) (3/8/02) and a second entry 3/23/02

Marcia's thoughts: Carter I want to share some of my thoughts based on what I have seen during the last 18 years of doing groups and doing this site....

You and Amy had many difficult decisions to make and just a few options - none easy. You were scared for Amy's health-life after watching her struggle for weeks. From hearing and seeing other parents go through this, it is almost "easier" for the mom then the dad. The dad only can SEE his wife struggling and he can't FIX any of what is happening to her or his unborn child. It is a very scarey and confusing time. He often feels helpless when he is "suppose to be able to take care" of his family.

Mom is very protective of her unborn child and wants to do whatever it takes to help him/her live. She also is on auto-pilot and very focused on all she has to do to move through the physical health part of keeping the baby alive. Dad can almost feel like an intrusion in her quest.

Both love each other and their unborn child.

God made us different for a reason. Dads don't bond (feel an intense desire to hold and be with) as quickly to their baby because they are not carrying the child and their body (and hormones) hasn't physically changed to carry the baby. They love this baby, but in a different way then the mom. The mom's entire bodya and soul is consumed by the pregnancy. So, when this kind of thing happens, Dad is often the one who looks at it and sees that saving the mom who he knows and loves and HAS makes all the sense in the world. And it does.

Mom wants her baby and most can't envision in this day and age anything too awful happening - though it does at times. She is on her highest mom role-protecting and saving her child.

So, what we see is just what happened to you. You take the doctor's opinion and take each hour or day as it comes and hope that you make the correct choice - because NO choice, except a healthy living child, is what you both really want.

You did the best you could. Grief makes us second guess and ask "why" and "what if". Grief is like that (again read "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal"). You had to give Amy your best thoughts - and emotional issues can get heated and hard. You both waited some. One of grief's lessons is that we learn we "canNOT CONTROL" everything. It is a hard lesson because we are taught that control is important and that if we just try/work hard enough we can "achieve whatever we wish".

You gave your daughter every opportunity she could have. Parenting is a very difficult job. You did a good job with Sydney. You had hope for her, you gave her time. You protected her the best way you could. You held her and loved her. Now you grieve for her. You grieve because you do love her.

As we talk in our group, grieving is hard work, but we can do it if we learn as we go along. Give each other space to do our learning and remember that our child would want us to grieve, heal and remember her in love.

I often say that my five children, three in heaven, two living - have each helped make me who I am today. I have learned from each of them. It took pain and grief but we have. My husband says when we lost our babies a very significant thing happened to us, but what we have done with those losses and memories has helped make them mean something in our life.

I sent some materials home with Amy when she came to the group last week (she is such a special person...). Please feel free to read them, they are for both of you. They may help in some way with your pain.

I know it might have been hard for you to share what you did, but I wish that more dads would speak their heart and mind. What you have written other parents have experienced and it is a very hard experience. My guess is that other dads will read what you have written, identify with what you have shared, and be relieved to see that they are not alone in their confusion and pain. Hopefully, through writing some healing can begin.

Sydney Denise Hill
Marietta, GA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Baby Hope

My wife and I experienced our loss the day after her 26th birthday on 9/21/02. It was our first pregnancy and we've struggled to cope and accept the tragedy. I wrote the following poem for a memorial service held amongst family and friends. I hope it helps others deal with their miscarriages. Steve


I love you mommy, I love you daddy
To hear this is a start
Hold close to one another and keep me in your heart

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
Are the words I wish to speak
Remember that I cry with you whenever you are weak

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
You did everything you could
If I could stop your pain right now, you both know that I would

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I know the news was tough
In leaving such loving parents behind, I couldn't be sad enough

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
Though you will never lay me down to sleep
The lord has now accepted my precious soul to keep

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
There are some things you need to know
I remember all the special ways you tried to help me grow

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I knew about your dreams for me
I know how very proud you were of your precious baby-to-be

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I tried so hard to make it, I truly wanted to live
But in the end my little heart stopped, it had given all it could give

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I did not mean to leave you feeling so very empty inside
And when I felt dad's arms around mom, I too began to cry

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I'm sorry for such a short stay
It was not my choice to ever leave you this way

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I'm sorry you never saw my face
But fear not because we'll meet again thanks to God's undying grace

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I know your spirits seem broken
Just to look to your hearts, they hold the love that I have left unspoken

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
I know you will never give up hope
Please be strong, look to family and friends, for they will help you cope

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
That's something I didn't get to say
Even left unsaid, I knew deep down, you'd know that anyway

I love you mommy, I love you daddy
Please don't think of me and sigh
The love of you and me and God, that love will never die

Steven W. Farris Jr.

Baby Hope


Marcia's thoughts: I am always touched by the beauty of our thoughts with our special babies. They are so dear to us. I wish that more dads would feel free to share with us here on the site. It means a lot to have the entries from our dads. We just had our Memorial Service and we had numerous dads join us and participate - which is very special. There will be pictures up soon.

Please consider reading through some of the material I have written (see drop down box) under "The First 24 Hours and Later" and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal." I wrote both of these with the confusion and pain of grief tied with the overwhelming desire to heal - in mind. They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief.

You may want to light a virtual candle in memory of your baby or include a verse or thought in our Memorial Garden. Doing special things for our baby often helps to ease our pain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Mommy and Daddy were so excited on the morning that mommy woke up with a high blood sugar reading, we both knew that could mean only one thing, we are going to have another baby. This would be the perfect addition to our family, also give big brother Caleb, someone to play with. We started making plans for your arrival. A January due date, meant it would be cold, when we come home from the hospital.

Now we play the waiting game. Counting the weeks, going to visit the many doctors that take care of mommy when you’re in her belly. It seemed to be going by quickly this time. We were trying to pick out a name for you. We were hoping for a baby girl, but a baby boy would be great. Then came the day that we were going to find out weather you were a boy or a girl and mommy and daddy were so excited on that day. We went in to get started, and all of a sudden, with a few words from the doctor’s mouth, our world stopped turning, and all our hopes and dreams came crashing down all around us.

The words I hope we never hear directed at mommy and daddy again, “your baby doesn’t have a heart beat”. With those words we were crushed into. The days to follow that day, crept and crawled by us, with many tears, and sad faces, covered with questions and concerns. Friends and family called, and sent cards with support, but nothing seemed to help lift us up.

So, we went to the hospital and you were born, a stillbirth they call it. It was a moment mommy and daddy will never forget. The birth of a child is supposed to be a celebration, when you came out, we were not celebrating. Your lifeless little, tiny body with what is supposed to be your life line, wrapped around your neck three times. Although mommy and daddies questions were answered, your life was taken from you so soon. Mommy and daddy held you and grieved for you.

We said a prayer for god to hold you for us, until we come to visit you in your new home. Mommy and daddy will not be able to hold you or play with you, or help you grow, but we will meet again.

So I can’t help but think of the word, waiting. Mommy and daddy were waiting for you to enter into our world, and now you are waiting for us to enter into yours. Or even better, we are still waiting, but to enter into your world.

We will miss you, we love you very much, and mommy and daddy will always hold you dear in our sadden hearts. Until we meet again, we love you our little angel. For us, you will be born when we meet in the Promised Land.

Kelsey Moon Sullivan
Atlanta, Ga.


Marcia's thoughts: Your word, "waiting" holds much truth in our pain and in our healing. The death of our baby takes us to places that we never thought we would visit. My husband has often said that since we survived the death of our three angels, we have learned great patience and how to face and work through our trials - together. It was very hard to wait for grief and for healing. But, with work and coping we did survive. We, too, wait to hold our babies in heaven. We know that they are there, now, watching their two brothers (here!) and they are the guardian angels of our home.

Leon, my husband, will read a poem about love and patience at our SHARE Atlanta Memorial Service on Sunday at 3 pm. Waiting, listening to god's voice, and working on patience so we can move through the grieving process is how we heal. We will have several poems, a candlelighting in memory of all of babies, a balloon, release and a litany of names. Together, we wait, heal, and know that these special children will be forever in our hearts. If you and your wife would feel comfortable joining us, please consider coming. There is a link to a page telling about it on the front of our site.

Jim, your sharing is powerful. Take care...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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"This is to all the 'forgotten' fathers out there."

First, the "forgotten" is not meant to be offensive in any way. I know we, as fathers, are far from forgotten...especially by friends and family. But, sometimes the focus is completely on the mothers and that is where it should be. But, please remember, it is ok to grieve as a man in today's world.

Now, let me tell you the story of Baby Mikey and how he touched so many lives in a short amount of time. I am a youth minister at a small church in Jefferson, Ga and would just love to touch as many people in my entire life as my son touched in the past year.

My wife and I met in a fairy tale, whirlwind way. I divorced my ex-wife last year in June and in December, my current wife and I were married. We met on the internet and knew immediately that it was what God wanted for both of us. Shortly after our marriage, we found out that she was pregnant and was due on July 7. Our excitement and fear was overwhelming.

But, we had no idea what fear and overwhelming was until that fateful day in January. It started just like any other day. We had gone to a local hospital to visit my father who was having some health issues of his own. All of a sudden, my wife started leaking a red fluid and we rushed her to the emergency room. They just informed us that there was a blood mass in her uterus and that was just leaking out. Not to worry and sent us home. But, we were concerned and made an appointment for her OB/GYN for the next day.

Immediately, we were sent to a Fetal Surgery specialist and our lives began to change. He said that what was seen on the ultrasound was not a blood was our baby's bladder. What our child had was called Posterior Urethral Valve Syndrome. We would find out that this is a condition where the urethra in baby boys does not develop and therefor the baby is unable to empty their bladder.

After many tears, we decided that we would not terminate the pregnancy (which was an option given by the specialist). And, after many hours on line studying this condition, we found that there was a way to correct it by fetal surgery. But, there were several steps to take before this. The baby's bladder would need to be drained 3 times with tests being run each time to test kidney functions. As the tests took place, the numbers continually got better.

The ultrasounds and test results were sent to a doctor in Tampa, Florida for evaluation. He thought we would qualify for the surgery but he had stopped doing the surgery. So, it was off to Philadelphia to see if Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) could help us.

We went through a battery of tests there and were one step away from having the surgery then our world stopped again. The amniotic sac had tears in it and there was no way for fluid to remain in the sac to assist the baby in complete development. Therefor, the surgery was canceled and we were on our way home to Georgia.

From day 1, people all around us have tried to be supportive but just have no idea how to be there for us. I was told by my boss that I needed to get back to Georgia, to ensure that my job was safe, and leave my wife in Philadelphia to deal with the issues. Friends, family and pastors just said we should grieve and move on. If they only could understand. If I could only explain it to them.

But, our baby was trying to show the miracles of God. Every test on his urine came back stronger and better. That is even after we realized that one of his kidneys was completely shut down and the other was severly damaged. The tests should have gotten worse. The looks of amazement on the doctor's faces was worth all the ministry.

On February 17, we made an appointment with the OB/GYN and the specialist. We decided it was best to deliver our son and give him a chance to have some life. My wife was only 20 weeks pregnant when we delivered a 1 lb 1 oz baby boy. His bladder was larger than his body. All 10 fingers and 10 toes were there. His male organ was there. He was a fully developed baby at 20 weeks. And, for 15 minutes, we had our angel baby boy with us. When he stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating, it was ok. We had our time with him that most families dont get.

Presently, our son, Baby Mikey, is burried in a memorial garden in our back yard. We can always talk to him and visit.

The past year has not been a cake walk. It has been full of memories, tears, crying uncontrolably, and misunderstanding. But, all in all, I would not change any of it. We had our angel with us. We still have our angel with us.

So, dads...

.... dont let anyone take away our opportunity to grieve and cry. Grieve your loss. Cry when you need to. Laugh whenever you can. Smile often. Your angel is with you forever.

God Bless!

Michael A Kline, Sr

Michael Alan Kline, Jr ~ "Baby Mikey"
Died soon after birth
Athens, Ga


Marcia's thoughts: Michael, thank you for the beautiful rendering of your family's story. As with so many of our families, you did your very best to give your son all you could in his short time with you. I often believe that some of our parents do more for their children in a few short months then some parents do in an entire lifetime. I know that we hold are babies close...even as they die in our arms. That closeness will be always with us in our hearts and souls.

There is a beautifully written book that tells a similar story: Letters To Gabriel by Karen Garver Santorum(it is written with Bible texts to highlight their journey). You might consider reading it - I know it has given peace to other parents. I loved it as well. Also, consider reading some of Tom Golden's materials.

SA offer many options for healing and I open them to you. (Forum, upcoming memorial service, MODs walk in April, etc.) Also, there is a SHARE group in Athens. Here is an email address to that group's faciliator, Pat Nielsen at Athens Regional Medical Center. She is wonderful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Forever in Our Hearts~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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