My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for 4 years, I had undergone exploritory surgery and was scheduled for further surgery to remove scar tissue that was found. We had a 10% chance of conceiving without the second surgery.

The week before my surgery was scheduled I realized that I was late - I took a home pregnancy test, totally expecting it to come back Negative - well it didn't - I was pregnant.

We were going to have a baby - we couldn't believe it. We were so excited that we told all of our family right away and then terror struck.

I had heavy bleeding at 6 weeks - two days in a row, but after an examine and an ultra sound, everything proved to be fine, I had a blood vessel on the outside of my cervix that was VERY sensitive and that was were the blood was coming from. I had another ultrasound at 16 weeks because of bleeding and again it was nothing. Everything was moving along relatively smoothly.

Then at 35 weeks when I had my doctors appointment I was AGAIN sent for ultrasound because my size had jumped 6 weeks in size in only 3 weeks. AGAIN everything was fine, my huge size increase was because the baby was already measuring close to 7 lbs. I was told to expect a BIG baby.

The next 5 weeks went by so quickly and we were past the due date (of March 7, 1998).

I had my 40+ week doctors appointment on March 9th, at that time (4:00) I was experiencing sparatic contractions and I was about 2 cm dialated - everything with the baby was fine, his heartbeat was 150/min. I was sent home to wait for the contractions to become steady and 5 minutes apart.

At 8:30 that night, they were coming regularily every 5 minutes, so we headed to the hospital, WE WERE FINALLY GOING TO BE PARENTS!! Upon getting to the hospital the nurse was unable to find a heartbeat, she called another nurse in to try to find it while she called my doctor.

The second nurse was also unsuccessful, as well as my doctor. I was sent to another hospital for ultrasound, where it was confirmed - there was no fetal heartbeat - my world ended!!

After 12 hours of labour (3 hours of pushing) I delivered my beautiful baby boy, Derek Alan, into this world at 9:07 am March 10, 1998. He was perfect. He was just not breathing. He weighed 8 pounds 2 1/2 ounces and was 21 3/4 inches tall. He had fair skin, blue eyes, and a head full of curly dark hair.

I stayed in the hospital until the 11th and I was released to go and plan my sons funeral.

We had a private family service for him on Friday, March 13, 1998. He was laid to rest in a small prairie cemetary close to both of his grandparents houses so it is very easy to go and visit him.

The autopsy revealed that Derek died as a result of meconium aspiration. This result was both a relief as well as a devistation. A relief because it wasn't anything genetic that could happen again (we have the same odds as anyone that it will happen again), but a devistation because he was perfect and I felt that my body let him down by not going into labour earlier, when he was alive.

I know now that there was nothing that anyone could do, but at the time I was very resentful towards my body.

Our lives were perfect, everything falling into place better than we had ever hoped. We had wedding plans set for May 1998, but in September 1997, we discovered that we would be expecting our first child in May. We decided to get married on November 8th instead. I was three months pregnant.

In January, Norm sold his impractical Jeep and we bought a minivan. In February, we moved from our one bedroom apartment to a brand new two bedroom basement suite.

I had a model pregnancy. It all went by smoothly and quickly. We took prenatal classes and gathered baby necessities. At almost 38 weeks, I stopped work. My due date was May 17, 1998.

My due date came and went. On May 20th, I went to the doctor for the last time. All checked out fine - strong fetal heartbeat, good blood pressure, etc. The doctor told us that if I didn't have the baby by the following week, I'd be induced.

That same evening, the baby moved in a different way. It felt like she was turning inside of me, like a "wave". It was quite different from the previous weeks, but I was happy to feel her movement and decided that it would not be long until she was born. It would be the last time I felt her movements.

The next day, May 21st, progressed normally - went out shopping with my mother, my husband was at work. I lay down at around 3:30 for a nap. At approximately 4:15, I rolled over on the bed to get a different position, and I felt a huge, warm gush of fluid. I immediately thought my water had broken and I yelled out to my parents that this was it.

I looked down as I reached for a towel and realized it was dark red blood. I continued to bleed as we called the doctor, 911 and my husband.

Upon my arrival at the hospital, they calmly wheeled me to a labour room. Two nurses came in and the one student nurse tried to find a fetal heartbeat. I knew the very second the instrument was placed on my belly and no immediate heartbeat was heard, that it was all over. They tried for ten minutes, no one said anything to me.

My doctor came in and said, "I'm so sorry." It was all that was necessary. I was hysterical! How could my baby have a fine, strong heartbeat 24 hours before and then nothing?? The ostetrician said it was a complete placental abruption. By the time I started to bleed, it would already have been too late.

Norm finally arrived and together we mourned the loss of our baby, not even yet born!

I was induced and thankfully labour progressed quickly. My mother and my husband stayed with me throughout. I had a wonderful nurse, Roz, without whom, the whole ordeal would have been a thousand times worse and my doctor saw me through the three long hours that I pushed.

Our daughter Madeleine Victoria was born at 7:21am on May 22, 1998. She weighed 7lbs 9oz and measured 22 1/2 inches. She was perfect in every way except she had no heartbeat and her eyes were permanently closed.

We all held her and then I watched my mother dress her first grandchild in the handknit white hat and small purple sleeper we had brought along. Both fit her perfectly. We had her with us for almost four hours. It seems now like such a short time.

It's been eight weeks since she was born and not a second goes by that I don't think of her. I ache to have her back. I feel like we've been punished. I would gladly have traded my life for hers - she never had a chance to start living.

We had her cremated. We have only a few pictures and footprints as proof of her existence but she lives forever in the memories of those who loved her.

We are adamant about having another child, but our risk is high of the same thing happening again. Hopefully, with some medical precautions and the help of our little guardian angel, we can have a second child.

It has taken three years for me to sit down to write out his story.> Here goes, and I apologize for its length but so much happened in such a short life.

In the fall of 1994, after almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant, I reached a point where I gave up on ever getting pregnant. We had had an ectopic pregnancy in 1991. I had lost one of my tubes, and we had been unsuccessful ever since.

It was such a horrible and hard decision to make, and it was only worsened when I went to my OB for a routine yearly checkup. He told me that he could not tell my why or if I ever would get pregnant.(let me interject here that I had also been on fertility drugs for most of those 4 years).

My appointment was on a Friday, and for some reason Sunday I realized that for the first time in 4 years, I had miscalculated when my period was to have started. I WAS LATE!!! I bought a pregnancy test that day and performed it the next morning. It was Positive!!! I raced to the store before my husband woke up (he had no idea I was late) and bought a baby toy to give to him.I woke him up, gave him the toy and said "Good morning, DADDY". Needless to say, it was the happiest day of our lives.

The pregnancy progressed along fine. My OB did ultrasounds in the office every visit because of my history of an ectopic pregnancy.

At about 15 weeks, he detected something on the ultrasound, but told me he wanted me to just get things checked out at Dekalb Medical Center by the perinatologist there. My doctor said that he felt that what he was seeing was only because his equipment was not advanced enough to give him the details he wanted. Basically, the "problem" he saw was with his ultrasound machine, not with my baby.

I was not concerned. I too believed that it was just a problem with the machine.

December 20, 1996, my husband, my two stepchildren, and I drove to Dekalb Medical Center for my appointment.

That very morning, I thought for just a moment- what if something is wrong with the baby, but I quickly dismissed that thought. We arrived, my stepchildren waited in the waiting room while my husband and I went in for the ultrasound.

The ultrasonographer began preparing my abdomen, and she asked us why we had been referred there. We explained that my OB wanted a more detailed ultrasound because he felt like he wasn't getting a clear enough picture. She proceeded to do the ultrasound and soon uncovered a problem.

The first perinatologist came in ( I will call him Dr. D) and began showing us the problem on the ultrasound. Our child (we didn't yet know boy or girl) had a HUGE bladder, NO amniotic fluid, and a blocked urethra. It was explained to us that the amniotic fluid surrounding babies is actually the fluid that babies release from their bladders. Our child's urethra (which is the tube that extends from the bladder out of your body and through which you urinate) was blocked. This resulted in the fluid backing up into the bladder and making it huge.

As our baby kept swallowing the little amniotic fluid that was produced otherwise, there was no amniotic fluid to surround our child. Dr. D stated that usually when there was this sort of problem, there would be other significant medical problems and deformities also. He stated that although our child was alive now, he could die at any moment. Then, he told us they would perform an abortion that same day if we so chose...

My husband and I told him no, and asked if we had any other options. Dr. D. said we could drain off the fluid from his bladder to relieve the pressure via an amniocentesis. They would also run tests on this fluid to check on the baby's health. My husband and I agreed to this, and Dr. D. called in a second perinatologist to perform the amniocentesis because of our child's position.

The second perinatologist ( Dr. S) had to withdraw fluid from our child's bladder and avoid his spinal column which was in the way. Dr. S completed the procedure, and we left to go try to explain to our stepchildren what had gone terribly wrong.

I remember calling my work from that appointment to tell them I would not be in. I barely got out that there was a problem before I ran from the building weeping.

I remember that evening at my lowest of lows thinking that I could not go on day to day not knowing if my child was dead or alive inside of me.

For a moment, I wanted an abortion- I had been told he would die, and I could not go on with the uncertainty of his life or death. I waited, I prayed, I got support from family and friends, and I got a phone call. My health insurance company immediately appoints its patients a case manager when they are referred for high resolution ultrasounds. I was now considered a high risk OB patient even before the perinatologists had discovered a problem.

Well, it just so happened that when we arrived home from the ultrasound, my case manager called me to check up on me. She had no idea what we had been through that day or that there was even a problem. I have never been one to question a doctor's opinion, but that day I did.

I asked her for a perinatologist to go to for a second opinion. We received the name of Dr. Anne Patterson. We called immediately for an appointment, and we were told the first available was...almost a month away.

I tried to be calm as I explained to the receptionist that I had just been told that my child might die any day--how could I wait that long!!!!!! Her name was Elizabeth, and I have nothing but the best to say about her. She listened, she spoke with the doctors, she got us in sooner.

I remember that my husband and I still had almost all our Christmas shopping to do. Here it was December 20th, we couldn't put it off.

I still remember the pain of running into a very pregnant friend of ours who had no idea the problems with our pregnancy, and putting up a cheerful front. I cried so much . My OB was wonderful. I remember him calling my husband to check on me that Christmas week.

Mid January, I had my first appointment with Dr. Patterson and Dr. Daniel Eller. They did an ultrasound and discovered that my child's bladder had once again become huge, and that there continued to be no amniotic fluid around him. My appointment was on a Friday morning I believe. After the ultrasound was completed, we all sat down and THEY GAVE US HOPE!

There was a new procedure being performed in other parts of the country. Dr. Eller, who had just joined the practice the week before, had witnessed the procedure and felt that it might be appropriate for us. The doctors carefully explained that there were still tremendous risks for our child and the good possibility that he could have medical problems or deformities. But they gave us something that we could do to help our child!!!

That morning, an amniocentesis was done again, and the fluid was withdrawn from our child's bladder, sent off for tests, and fluid was reinserted in the amniotic sac. We returned that afternoon for another ultrasound which revealed that our child's bladder had enlarged slightly again--but that was good. That meant that his kidneys were still functioning!!

We returned for more ultrasounds and amniocentesis almost every other day. Altogether, I probably had about 20 amniocentesis. The ultrasounds and tests indicated that the kidneys were functioning well.

Additionally, around this time is when we found out we were having a boy. Boys with this problem have a better chance than girls. If girls have this problem, usually there are significant anatomic problems involved also. Since the kidneys were functioning well, it was decided to take the next step in this procedure.

First let me explain that with no amniotic fluid, the baby cannot grow and develop properly. Second, with no amniotic fluid, the lungs cannot develop. The procedure involved placing a tube (called a shunt) in the baby's bladder that would drain out into the amniotic sac. This would bypass the blocked urethra which could be fixed after birth. ( Side not here--the urethra was blocked only by a small piece of tissue that had grown in the wrong place).

Amniocentesis are not comfortable procedures. This procedure turned out to be painful. Because it was a new procedure, I am sure that much still had to be learned about pain control. I can still remember the struggle I had with myself to remain still so that they could save my child as I lay there in tremendous pain.

The doctors tried for over an hour before they decided I could tolerate no more. We agreed to try again about a week later using better pain control for me.

It is now about mid February 1995. I remember calling Dr Patterson nearly hysterical. I was so afraid that my baby would die because I could not tolerate the pain and lay still. Also, I was concerned that my insurance would not continue paying for this new expensive procedure if we failed again because I could not stay stilll.

She calmed me and as I said, they came up with better pain control for me. The day came for them to attempt the procedure again. Things were different this time. They placed a catheter in me so my bladder would not get in the way as it did before, and they gave me demerol for the pain.

They attempted at least two times, and I can still remember the cheers and tears as Dr. Eller succeeded in placing the shunt in my son's bladder and draining it into the amniotic sac. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!

We continued to be monitored closely. We were advised it might have to be replaced if our son pulled it out. We were told he might have problems with club feet from having been so crowded for so long (no amniotic fluid to float in ).There were other potential problems, but they all seemed so minor. OUR SON WAS GOING TO LIVE!!!

Early in March, Drs. Eller and Patterson discovered that my son's kidneys had stopped working. Once again there was no amniotic fluid. His bladder was not huge. His kidneys were not producing urine. The kidneys had apparently sustained more damage than we had thought.

You see, when the bladder was getting huge, the urine was backing up into the kidneys, and the kidneys were becoming damaged. Well, early in March, they failed to work any more.

We still did not give up. My husband and I consulted a nephrologist and a urologist to discuss kidney transplants, dialysis, and other possibilites/problems. We continued to have thewonderful support of my OB who recognized I think that we needed to do all this even though our son's chances were incredibly slim.

The biggest problem we had and no doctor could fix this was that our son's lungs had not had enough time to develop. When he was born, we were told he would not be able to breathe on his own.

My husband and I considered the possibilities of long term ventilation and even short term ventilation with the possibility of taking him off life suppport if he had other serious medical problems besides needing dialysis and kidney transplants. We were so scared, and at the same time so willing to do whatever for our son.

Easter, April 16,1995. I cried out to God that morning that I would never get to enjoy Easter with my son. He and I would never go on an Easter egg hunt together. It was so unfair...And a small still voice in me said what better place to be than with Me in Heaven. At that point, I let go.

April 17, 1995 I got a nesting instinct and did a weeks worth of laundry that morning between contractions. I went to my OB. He put me on a monitor. The contractions had stopped by then.

I went on to work. Two hours later, I was in tears from the pain of these contractions. I kept telling my coworkers that they weren't contractions because I had just been to the doctor and he said I wasn't having contractions. I work across the street from the hospital where I would deliver.

My coworkers wouldn't let me go home. My doctor called me back and sent me on to the hospital. When I was checked, I had dilated 4 cm in about two hours.

Let me make this clear, that my son was still alive. Even though his kidneys had failed, he was still alive. We heard and saw his heartbeat all night long. We struggled with the idea that maybe I should have a c-section to lessen the stress on our son. We never gave up hope that there might still be some small chance for him.

A few minutes after 6 in the morning of April 18, my son Matthew Patterson McClure was born via a breech vaginal delivery. He weighed 4 pounds, 9.8 ounces. He had a heartbeat through delivery.

They say he even had blood flowing through him when checked by the Neonatal Intensive Care doctor, but my son could not breathe. I still struggle that to give birth to my son meant his short life was over.

My husband and I had experienced two miscarriages before I got pregnant with Erich. When I got pregnant for Erich we were happy but cautious with our joy until I got past the time where I had the previous miscarriages.

The farther into the pregnancy I got the happier we got because we were convinced we had it made this time. The pregnancy was a very easy one with only one scary episode where I had some spotting but it was gone in 1 hour. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about because the baby was fine with a strong heartbeat and we were having a boy.

At 37 weeks I was ready to deliver our healthy boy he was a very strong boy. The doctor told me that day I could go at any time and if not over the weekend then they would induce labor.

That afternoon I started to have contractions. My husband had gotten home that day from work and was sleeping when my contractions were 5 minutes apart. The doctor said to go to the hospital and he would meet us there and they would be expecting me.

He was right they were expecting me and things were going smoothly, I was dilated to 4 cm and the nurse said he would break my water when he got there in a few minutes, and she turned to leave when I told her I thought my water broke.

When she checked I was hemorraging, and he was in distress. The doctor arrived just after that and they did an emergency c-section, but it was too late he had died. The diagnosis for the bleeding and his death is placental abruption.

They had no warning and were not expecting this development because it had been a very normal pregnancy with no complications. Life is very precious! They told my husband afterwards that had we been at home when it happened it would have killed me also. The total time lapse between the start of the hemorrage and his birth was 8 1/2 minutes from normal expected delivery to the section delivery.

It has been a very difficult and emotional year for my husband and I and our two other children a girl (13) and a son (10). My husband and I have no children together. Since the loss of Erich my husband, Wade has adopted Christopher, from my previous marriage.

He has no other children. He has not had the joy of hearing the baby cry for the first time, and I weep inside for what he has been deprived of. The experiences have brought us much closer together than most couples that we know.

We have since found out the trigger for the abruption has to do with the anti-nuclear antibody in my system that when tested it came up positive. They believe it also triggered the second miscarriage.

The doctor has prescribed a baby aspirin a day from the time we think about trying again until delivery which will occur once the lungs are mature enough, by c-section.

The grief has been very hard to work through at times for me and my husband individually, but when together we can deal with it. It is slowly getting more bearable. I have begun collecting angels in his memory to go with the tree the family planted for him.

I have two boys, one is four, the other two and a half. Finding out we were expecting again was a shock, but nonetheless we were very excited. In our minds, we hoped desperately for a girl.

Things were not going so well, I was having hypertension issues that I had had with my prior pregnancies as well, leading to the premature birth of my two year old. I naively thought that the worst that could happen was that our baby would come a little early, like our son, not that anything much worse could happen.

A few days after Christmas, I began noticing that the baby, we still did not know the sex yet, despite repeated US, was not really moving very much.

I woke on Wednesday morning with the hugest feeling of dread in my heart as we drove from our home to the hospital, where my OB confirmed what I knew, and what my husband had been denying, our baby was dead. I was almost 28 weeks.

Induction was started that day, and I cried thinking about my baby, and feeling a huge sense og\f guilt, thinking she had died as a result of my hypertension.

On New Years Day, my 28th week, I delivered my only daughter Sarah.

The grief that we felt seemed even more compounded because we had been given what we had prayed desperately for, a baby girl. She was beautiful, the nurse took her away and cleaned her up, and brought her back to us, exclaiming what a beautiful and big baby she was.

She looked so much like my two boys, same nose, long, long legs like my oldest, and huge feet and hands. We had a special blessing for her that day, just the two of us, having no other family nearby to help us say good-bye. We named her Sarah.

I went around for the next few weeks in a daze, blaming myself, seeing her everytime I looked at my boys.

Hope and peace came to me when four weeks later my doctor read the results of the autopsy to me, large blood clots in the placenta, nothing to do with my hypertension. God had answered my prayers, He was my Salvation. I had been carrying around so much guilt, and I felt the Lord had lifted that burden for me.

It still hurts, and while it never gets better, each day gets easier.

I feel lucky for having been the one to have known her, for however brief a time it was.

Thank you for letting me share Sarah's Journey to the arms of our Lord with you. I Thank Him and you that there are such places as these.

I was wondering if there was a SHARE website anywhere is Wisconsin?

We lost our son Doran to Abruptio Placenta on 2-12-99, 2 days before my due date. I have enjoyed reading the stories I have found here and would like more information about it. Thanks, Michelle

Marcia's thoughts: There are many entries by parents who have experienced this type of loss..please email these folks...they, too, are looking for support! There, also, are numerous Links to medical sites that discuss this condition under "Links, Medical, High Risk" ...please check these out for possible support.

National SHARE, under our contact information, has a list of support groups throughout the US., please call their 800 number to see if there are any groups near you. If not, please refer to our emails and our "Other Resource" information that gives names of books and videos that can help you in your healing. The Amazon Bookstore is very reliable...we use them!! Also, both National SHARE and our SHARE Group will send you there/our newsletter for further support.

Hi my name is Michelle, on June 13, 1998 we found out I was pregnant with our 1st child. The baby was due on February 14, 1999, Valentines Day. My entire pregnancy was very good. I had no morning sickness and was feeling great.

Due to previous miscarriages I was a little worried until the first 3 months were over. Then I figured we were in the clear.

But on September 5th, at 17 weeks pregnant I had some spotting. I called the doctor and was told to lay down with my feet up and rest. The bleeding stopped within a few hours. The next week they did and ultrasound but they didn't find anything abnormal in my case. They also ordered an alpha-fetoprotein test. The level of the test was a bit high so they sent me for a level 2 ultrasound and amniosyntisis test to rule out Spina Bifida or other birth defects.

Everything came back normal, the test also confirmed that we were having a boy, which we suspected from the ultrasounds.

I didn't have any pre-term labor, but did have braxton hicks contraction the whole last 2 months of my pregnancy. At my 37-week appointment my blood pressure started to go up and I was put on partial bedrest due to mild pre-eclampsia.

On February 8th, at my 39-week appointment I was dilated to about 1 centimeter and was 30-40% effaced and very soft and thin. The baby's head was seated well into my pelvis so the doctor figured it would be anytime now. My blood pressure had gone back down to normal so she decided not to induce labor this week like she had talked about at last weeks appointment.

3 days later I had a terrible backache all day with back spasms. I called the doctor's office wondering if I was in back labor, but there was no pattern to the pain at all so they didn't figure that it was.

The next day on February 12th, 2 days before my due date, everything seemed normal. I woke up at 5:30am with my husband. The baby went through his normal routine of stretching and then going back to sleep, like he'd been doing every morning for the past few weeks.

I was just lounging around that morning until about 7:30 when I instantly started to cramp severely. I though maybe it was my stomach so I got up and went to the bathroom. I knew that this pain was not labor contractions at this point. There was no vaginal bleeding, but I was cramping so severely that I had broken out in a cold sweat and was on the verge of passing out.

It took me about a half-hour to get back out to the living room, approximately 40 feet, to get to the phone to call my husband. He arrived 10 minutes later from work. It took me about another 30 minutes to get dressed, with his help. He also called the doctor to let her know to meet us at the hospital. It took another 5 minutes for him to practically drag me out of the house and into the car.

We were admitted to the hospital at 8:50am, the nurses hooked me up to the monitors and were having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat. The monitor was not picking up any contractions either. My doctor arrived 5 minutes later and did pick up a heartbeat of about 107, she ordered an emergency c-section. To later find out that it was an echo of my heartbeat and not Doran's.

I was immediately taken into the operating room where they were putting an IV into each of my arms and inserting the cathider while administering anesthesia and pouring betadine on my stomach. The baby was delivered stillborn at 9:18am. The pediatrician and the anesthesiologist tried to revive him with no success.

When I came to the doctor explained to me that our baby was gone and the cause of his death was a complete abruption of the placenta. She said that from the minute she opened up my uterus she knew that it was too late for the baby. My uterus was filled with blood, which was what was causing the pain I felt.

At about 11:00am I finally got to meet my son, Doran Ancel Phillip Rudy who was born at 9:18am, weighing 6 pounds 14 ounces and was 20 inches long. He had a full head of reddish-brown hair and dark blue eyes. He was a perfect looking little boy in every way.

Most of our immediate family was there and we had him baptized and everyone took turns holding him and saying good-bye. It was the most painful hours of my life, but also the proudest. It was obvious that he was very much loved and wanted, not only by us but by everyone else also.

We had a memorial service the following Wednesday evening and were totally taken aback by the many people who came. We were very touched by all the support and love that our friends and family showed for us and for our baby.

The following morning we had a small service at the cemetery with family and close friends. We released 6 dozen blue and silver balloons at the close of the service. It was the most beautiful and peaceful graveside service I can remember. Although it was sad to leave our son there, everyone walked away smiling at the balloons floating away, sending our Doran to heaven.

Abruptio Placentae is a very rare condition where the placenta separates from the uterus before the birth of the baby. At this point the baby's first instinct is to start breathing and they literally drown on amniotic fluid and blood. This only happens in about 1% of all pregnancies. It is a freak occurrence that can not be predicted or prevented in any way. The doctor has assured that this should not complicate any future pregnancies and that Doran was a perfectly health baby.

Thanks to the nurses of the maternity ward and our very supportive family and friends we have a video and many dozens of pictures of our baby Doran to remember him by. We also have his T-shirt, blankets, ankle band, brush & comb, and a bunny that he had in the hospital. We will never be able to fill the emptiness in our hearts that he has left there but we plan to keep his memory with us always.

Some days I feel that if I quit hurting, I'll start to forget Doran. I feel guilty that I don't hurt like I used to, because I feel like the memory of him is starting to fade. It's been 8 weeks and I've already forgotten what it felt like to hold him in my arms. But I'll always hold him in my heart and my memory, which is where it counts.

We know that we aren't ever going to replace Doran in our heart (or our lives), but we have known for years now that we wanted children. Bill & I have always had a great relationship and marriage, but we feel that the only thing missing in our lives is children.

We just hope that we will be able to have more. Bill had a vasectomy reversal 2 1/2 years ago so that we could have children and the doctors still think that it's a miracle that I got pregnant with Doran NATURALLY.

We considered him our miracle baby. That's also the reason that he got such an unusual name, Doran means "special gift", and he was.

My husband and I were expecting out first child in Feb 18, 1998. Jan 12, 1998 I started cramping and went to the DR. I was 2 cm's dilated and was sent home on bedrest. Each week I went back I complained of excessive thirst and urination. At that time I was dumping protein.

The first time I went to the Dr.'s, I was not sent to the hospital for any further testing.

On Feb. 4th I was hurting a little and finally called the Dr. on Feb 5th. With 22 inches of snow on the ground we made our way to the hospital thinking I was in labor and was going to deliver our baby. That was when the Dr. told us our baby was "dead" he threw his hands up and walked out of the room.

Labor was induced and at 2:43pm our son baby Ben was delivered still. I was toxic and totally out of it. If it weren't for the nurses the Dr. would have used forceps on our dead son. Thank god he did'nt.

Our son looked just like his father. He had his fathers high forehead and top lip. Our world came crashing down on us that day and has been a roller coaster since.

In Nov. 98 we suffered another loss, I was 12 wks and 4 days and miscarried. we are now 12 wks and 6 days pregnant and hoping and praying this is the one we will bearble to bring home to raise/love and cherish.

After my husband and I got married we were anxious to extend our family....Although I have a 4 year old son from a previous relationship my husband who is 37 was eager to have a child of our own.

We got pregnant only 1 month after we were married...Then in May we suffered a miscarrage. We grieved but decided to keep trying.

In August we found out that I was pregnant again. We were extactic, our little angel would be born only a month after our first anniversary.

All went well until I had the MSAFP test done. It came back elevated. Our doctor sent us to for a high resolution ultra sound to see if our baby had spina bifida. Luckily the ultrasound showed that we had a very healthy baby boy. We immediatly named him Zachary Bryan.

Half way through my second trimester his movements started slowing so my doctor put me on a Kick count if Zach didn't move 10 times in 2 hours we had to call him and go in for a Non stress test. This continued for several weeks but my doctor thought that Zach was fine just wanted to be certain since the risk for stillbirth was higher because of my elevated sirum levels.

I went into labor at 32 weeks but my doctor thought that Zach was to small and stopped my labor. I started my maternity leave at 34 weeks because my back was hurting so much I could barley walk. I figured that Zach would be born within the week...

At 35 weeks I was getting ready to go to my grandmothers funeral. We were eating lunch with my family and I felt a gush of fluid. I thought my water had broken, but when I stood up there was blood everywhere. We rushed to the hospital only to be told that our son was dead due to a complete placental abrubtion.

Zachary was born 3 hours later at 3:59PM Saturday March 27,1999, he weighed 5 lbs 13oz and was 18 inches long...We laid him to rest beside my grandmother on March 30, 1999.

Sometimes I don't know how to cope, sometimes the memories overwhelm me but through it all my family and God have helped carry me through.

It will be a very long time before the void that was left by Zachary's death will heal over but everyday the pain lessens a little, and I know that Jesus Has A Rocking Chair that he is rocking my littlest angel in.

At 29 weeks I was given the shocking news that my baby had a problem.

I could not believe it I keep asking my dr. why? how? since she kept telling me my baby was healthy and things were going fine.

I would have never known if I had not gotten sick at 29 weeks with a unexplained rash...I was sent to a geneic dr. to verify what she had found wrong with my baby (hydrocephlaus)..they told me my baby had no chance of survival.

I was under so much stress due to what they told me I got very ill and had to go into labor at 30 weeks or I would be putting my health at risk and I still have a 16 year old son to take care of I had no choice.

I have cherished memories holding my son..and pictures taken plus a video tape of my delivery until I had to give him up. I remember spending those few nights at the hospital holding his nightgown while I cried myself to sleep.

I seem to feel like I am having a horrible nightmare and somebody is going to wake me up soon...

I guess our story would begin with my firstborn, Zachary. I had a difficult pregnacy. I was hospitalized twice for dehydration from morning sickness, lost over 40 pounds the first 5 months, then developed extremely severe toxemia. He was taken by emergency C-section the Friday before Mother's Day in 1995. He weighed a mere 3pounds 11ounces and was only 17 1/4 inches long. I spent three days in ICU. The experience left my body weak.

I developed Grave's Disease, high blood pressure, and a mitral valve prolapse.

When Zach was 9 months I had radioactive iodine treatments that killed my thyroid. I now take medicines for all those problems.

So, going into a second pregnancy I was high-risk. But that didn't matter, Dale and I dearly wanted a playmate for our son. I conceived, but lost that child at only eight weeks.

I underwent some blood tests that showed my estrogen levels at post-menopuase. After some more tests and medication adjustments.

We finally became pregnant with our second son. I went faithfully to the OB every week for the first 28 weeks, then I went 2 times each week. I also saw a cardiologist and endocrinologist. I tried to do everything "right."

I only gained 21 pounds the entire pregnancy. I wanted to have a planned C-section during the 37th week, but my OB said she wouldn't do a C-section before week 39. I wish she had listened to me.

Two days into week 38, I woke up having a cramping sensation in my back. I called my sister, and she confirmed I was having labor contractions. I kept up with them as they happened on and off all that day.

Around 5 pm, the cramping changed. It became a painful type of spasm in my lower abdomen. I felt that something was wrong, so I grabbed my suitcase, called the hospital, and off I went.

I got to the hospital around 9:30pm. By this time the pain was really bad. I was having a lot of trouble walking. I got back to labor and delivery and was hooked up to the monitors. I felt a little more at ease when his heartbeat could be heard. The pain was intense by now, and my blood pressure was dropping.

The baby's heart rate dropped into the 60's a couple of times, right after a contraction. The RN said it was "normal." The doctor finally showed up at the hospital an hour later. I told him that I had a high threashold of pain and he rolled his eyes at me. In fact, when he came into my room, before examining me, he said, "no baby tonight." I was in shock.

I was hurting so bad. I was told it was probably only an elbow in my bladder. But I felt even more scared, when I was informed that the doctor had dismissed me. What? He KNEW my history. He KNEW I was high risk.

I was in such pain that I felt helpless to argue. The RN brought in a wheel-chair. I stated that I needed an obese chair. She said, "Well, I don't have time to get one. There is a gurney. If you can crawl up there. I'll wheel you out." I said nevermind and decided to walk out. I had to clinch the railings to get down the hall. The doctor walked pass me and said,"if the pain gets worse come back." Worse? how could it get worse? I could not walk.

My mother pulled her van to the door and I got in. A few seconds later, this horrible pain tore through my lower abdomen. I cried out from the pain. I didn't know what to do. Then it began to ease up. I was drenched in a cold sweat. My mother took my home, where I stayed by myself. As soon as the Dr. office opened, I called my OB. I explained what had happened the night before. I told her I was in a lot of pain. I was called in a prescription for my bladder and told to come into the office at my next appointment. Four days later!

Somehow I endured the pain until that visit, when I went back to the monitor, no heart beat could be found. I was sent to radiology. In that darkened room, the horrible realization finally began to sink in, my baby was dead.

I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare, I had to wake up somehow. After several blood tests, it was decided that I would be sent to a tetiary hospital 2 hours away by ambulance.

My husband had been out of town, my father went to get him at the station. Dale was told the news of Dawson's death on the way to the hospital.

My CBC was so low that I was given 2 units of blood before surgery to stabilize me. I was given an epidural, because the doctors were afraid that if I were put under, I might not wake up.

I will never forget what happened when I was opened up. The Dr. shouted "Oh My God." Then the head of surgery was called in. I was then told that my uterus had ruptured 4 days earlier. It had torn so violently that part of my uterus had torn away from the cervix. One doctor had to put his hand to the top of my cervix to see where to attach my uterus. My son had completely left the uterus. His head was pushing against my diaphram and his little feet were intwined in my intestines. I was given another 2 units of blood during the procedure. It took over an hour to put me back together. From there, I was taken to recovery where my parents and husband were.

It was there that my precious little boy was brought to me. He was 5 pounds 8 ounces. He was 21 inches long. We had chosen my mother's maiden name, Dawson, for his name. He was perfect in every way; ten toes, ten fingers, head full of dark hair, mother's chin, daddy's nose.

My heart cried out with the unbearable ache in my chest. No! No! It can't be true. God please give me back my baby boy! My own parents sobbed with heartache. I only got 5 hours with him.

Dale and dad had to take him back to MS for the funeral. It could not be postponed, because he had died 5 days prior, he was decomposing rapidly.

I kissed his cold forehead, full of soft hair goodbye. I changed him into his "going home" outfit to be buried in. Then I wrapped in a blue blanket and placed my most precious babe in a coffin. I felt as though I would surely stop breathing.

His graveside services funeral were held the next day, December 16, 1998. I spent 5 more days in the hospital before I could go home.

Later I was told that I had lost about 80% of my blood volume and that it was a miracle that I survived the "whole ordeal." It didn't feel that way, because part of me did died in that hospital.

Dawson Nathanael was buried in the family cemetary right down the road from our home. I pass by him almost every day, and I got to see him often. We just passed the 6 month mark.

The high-risk doctors told us we can have another child. Maybe someday, but right now I just miss the one that's gone. If anyone has has an experience close to this, please write or contact me. There are no support groups near our home, so we are traveling through the "valley of the shadow of death" alone.

My own experience began after my husband and I decided to start a family. I had an uneventful pregnancy up until 36 weeks. I started cramping and went to the Dr. who said I was 2cm dilated and to go home and put my feet up until I delivered.

On Feb 5,1998 both my husband and I thought I was going to the hospital to deliver and bring home our Son Ben K. Jr. who instead was Born Still. They could not find a heartbeat when I arrived.

My B/P was through the roof and I was dumping protein in my urine. The cause of death was Interuterian Growth Retardation(not called that anymore) which means baby Ben stopped growing around 1-12-98 until 2-5-98 and died somewhere between 1-27-98 to 2-5-98 not a definate date of course.

After several months of therapy and Antidepressants we decided to try again after the medications were out of my system. Well boom we were lucky once more I was pregnant.

The heart beat was strong and was picked up early but between my 2nd and 3rd month the baby stopped growing and we again suffered another loss. It ended in m/c on Nov 18, 1998.

We want a child so bad and we pray that God will grant us this little blessing for a lifetime.

Noah is our first child. We had so many plans and dreams for him! He quickly became the center of our little world. Every night we thanked God for blessing us with this new little person.

I tried to do everything right - I gave up all caffeine, ate only healthy food, walked every night. But I was born with a kidney deformity - my left kidney was all blocked up and hardly worked. Since it never gave me any trouble they decided to leave it in, which was standard (even when they do a kidney transplant they just leave the old, non-functioning kidneys in).

Anyway, throughout my pregnancy they assured me that the left kidney was a "non-factor", but they carefully monitered right kidney to make sure that it was handling the stress of doing all the work. As it turns out my kidney function is better than average, even with just the one kidney working - one more reason they had trouble realizing that something was wrong.

I was in my sixth month when I noticed some blood in my urine. Monday night we went to the hospital and they decided to admit me for antibiotics. The diagnosis changed several times over the next few days - kidney infection, kidney stones...

Really they had no idea what was wrong with me, but it did not seem that serious and they were not too concerned about the baby. He was doing great - a very healthy, strong little man!

What they had no way of knowing was that my left kidney was bleeding profusely (I ended up needing 7 units of blood). Since all the blood pooled in the kidney I didn't seem to be losing that much. The kidney was also expanding rapidly putting pressure on all the other organs and on my uterus.

Wednesday morning we listened to Noah's heartbeat at 9:30am, by the 10:00am ultrasound he was gone. Either the loss of blood or the pressure killed him and it very nearly killed me.

It took 2 more days to figure out what was wrong, by then I had to be on oxygen constantly as my lungs were slowly being squeezed. They finally removed the kidney which by then was 8 times normal size. There is no way of knowing what started the bleeding - it was a total fluke and they tell me that their was nothing I could have done.

I know that in my head, but sometimes I feel so guilty that it was my body that killed him.

A week later I talked the doctor into inducing labour. They wanted me to go home, wait 2 weeks and then come in - I just wanted to see get this nightmare over with and finally see my baby.

On June 3rd Noah William Hoos was born. It was such a special time - one of the happiest moments in my life.

I wondered what is wrong with these nurses? Why are they looking so solemn? Can't they see what a beautiful baby he is?' I am so glad that I got to hold and cuddle my son. I never met him, but I know him. We still thank God every night for blessing us with our little baby boy!