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Sara's Story and Memorial Service...
Loving and Honoring Baby Lily Aethera Miranda Grace
First Child of Tim and Sara Morman
Miscarried February 10, 2011

January 19-February 10

You were such a precious surprise, a blessing, a gift

Your Daddy and I were loving each other through the snow of the century, when the Lord begin His knitting project deep inside me

How blessed I am to have known the instant you began, especially since we had such a short time
I laughed to your Daddy and said you may have just been created

We began writing to you in your book

A few days later you began talking to me yourself

I will never forget your hugs as you nestled into my womb

How hungry you were,
How unhappy when mommy did not eat right away
How you showed me that I had dependencies I did not know I had and the freedom that came when I let go
How secretive I felt, feeling my little butterfly nestling into me
How much you loved sleep,
how cuddled together, we slept better than I ever have

I will always fix your favorite meal in your memory and will probably cry each time…it does not taste as good without you
There were smells you disliked, they smell fine now, but never truly will again because I will always remember that you did not prefer them

You made my students more precious to me, I saw them as babies and I cherished them all the more
You brought this love into my life, this peace
You showed me the lilies and taught me to just be before the Lord and bask in His glory

I wanted to be beautiful before Him like I knew you were

We had tea together often and I whispered to you when no one was around
Everything I ate and touched and saw I told you about and longed for the day when you would experience it yourself
I marked your whole knitting time on my calendar, recorded how you told me you were with me everyday
There were many songs that had new meaning with you growing inside

I have only two pictures, but there are crinkles on my left eye in both that are in no other pictures I have ever taken…I believe they are my only pictures of you

Because one day I did not feel your hugs or butterflies anymore

Four days later, at first I thought your hugs were back
Then they became more intense, short at first, then longer and deeper
And I heard myself saying no no no no no

I tried to stay with you, to stay present as you left my body
We made the best cookies for our dearest friend
We cuddled, I cried, I held you, I prayed, I sang to you
Then with a rush you were gone from me

No one knew

I knew…for a few days I felt blessed simply to have had you

No one noticed

I noticed their bellies, their babies, the fact that they were
not home with them as I would have been with you

No one stopped

I stopped, my heart, my mind, my world came to a crashing halt,
yet I was walking around in a world the same as the day before

No one grieved

I grieved, I did not know when tears would come, someone would say
something, one of my students would look precious, such a gift from God

No one sent me flowers

I had only the lilies I had bought in your honor

No one called

I called a few people whose babies I knew you were playing with in Heaven

No one knew

I knew and I did not know what to do

You were here so briefly I was afraid I would forget so
I have taken days to celebrate you
I made you a doll so there would be something of yours in the house

I still write to you
I still drink tea with you
I still fix your meal

I will never forget
how you felt
how you spoke
how much you taught me

I understand now
I am your mama
I am changed

I will see you one day, my Lily, in the twinkling of an eye…

Sara Morman 4.2011

Tim and Sara's Ceremony for their daughter, Lily.

Lily and Egg...

We had plans to plant a tree for Lily. Since we did not have anything to bury, I had originally planned to simply put her names and dates on a special piece of paper at the base. However, shortly after losing Lily, I was walking our dogs the morning after a very intense storm, and I came across a robin’s nest. It had been blown out of a tall tree. Two of the three beautiful blue eggs were smashed on the cold concrete. The third one, that you see in the picture, had landed at the base of the tree.

For a moment, I thought maybe the little blue egg was still whole. But when I turned it over, it had a tiny hole in it. All the life had already drained away. I was devastated for the mama robin. I knew she would never come back to get her nest. She could not lift it. Her babies were dead, and she could not take care of them anymore. I did not want to leave the eggs there to be swept up by the street cleaners. So I wrapped the little eggs and all their pieces in a tissue and placed them in the nest. I took them home.

My husband, Tim, made us a little box, with Lily's name and dates on it, for the eggs. We planned to place it beneath the tree. I understood what happened to that mama robin. She lost her babies, her hope that she had worked so hard to care for. Suddenly, there was nothing she could do. She could not bury her babies as I could not bury my Lily. So, I decided to bury hers for her.

Planting Lily's Tree...

We held a small ceremony, just the two of us and the Lord. Tim prayed some from his heart and some from the suggestions in the book, A Silent Sorrow. I read the poem I had written for Lily. We had music playing and candles surrounding the tree planting site. I placed the box with the wood shavings, the eggs, and Lily’s names and dates on the special paper in the ground.

Tim and Sara's Hands...

We took a picture or our hands around the tree after we planted it. Our love and our union brought her into being. Now, we were laying her to rest in our hearts in that same love and union.

Tim and Sara's Rings...

We love our rings. It felt right to have a picture of them at the base of her tree. She grew out of our love and commitment.

Lily's Tree and Sharing a Cup of Tea Together...

To conclude the ceremony we drank tea together. I had always done this with Lily in mind throughout her knitting time in my womb. It was special to share that again during the ceremony. It was very cathartic for me, incredibly emotional, and unbelievably difficult, but I am so thankful that we did it - and that Tim lead me through it. I really saw him recognize my need for it and realize that I would not make it through it alone. He took charge and lead a beautiful ceremony for our first little daughter. It is a truly precious memory for me.

Sara Morman 7.29.2011

Sara's note to me when I asked if I could share this beautiful and loving ceremony with our SA members.

Marcia, YES!!! Please do share this with the members of our group! That would be soo honoring to Lily! She has taught me sooo much about honoring, celebrating, and mourning life. I want to affirm that very real and good desire in other moms. She gave me the courage to follow my heart and love her completely even though it has been very hard. It has been truly living and truly worth it. I do not regret loving her sooo much and mourning her sooo completely, and I never will. Thank you for helping me get to a place where I no longer feel that I need to apologize for my grief/love for my Lily! Did you notice how I did not apologize last meeting!! It was a huge victory for me, because I realized when I got home that it did not even cross my mind!

Marcia's note to Sara

Sara, I am deeply touched by the manner in which you and your husband celebrated your baby, Lily. I know that the mommy bird would thank you if she could, as well. God's gift to us is love and kindness, and you have shared these with your experience with your child and family..and with our group. That is very, very special. I know Lily loves her mom and dad for what you have shared.

I love these very special pictures. I hope to share them with other families to help them know that comfort can come from many sources. A beautiful ceremony is very possible for a precious baby loss through miscarriage.

Thinking about and planning a memorial service..or a loving good-bye..even years later.

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