Entry #2: July 7, '01

It's almost 6 years now since my precious Emily left my loving arms, and I still miss her everyday. She has changed my life more than you could ever know. But more often these days she brings a smile to my face rather than a tear.

I have a website dedicated to her if you want to share her story as well. I put this together in her memory in hope that it might help one of you realise you aren't alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel :)

To my Emily I love you princess forever and always :))

Many times over the past 10.5 months I have felt so consumed in my own grief that I have "forgotten" my surviving children are also still grieving the loss of their baby brother.

This week in school during "free choice/writing" my 10 year old daughter Kasey Lynn wrote this poem in memory of her baby brother. I wanted to share the poem & our little girls love with the world.

I love my children with all of my heart, but grief is kind of a "selfish" thing and it consumes your very being. I hope this poem keeps me remembering that my 'other' babies are grieving too. (I never knew until now, that she whispers "I love you" under her breath every time we stand at his grave. Funny... so does her mommy)

When my children got to the hospital and saw Kapono, I knew they wanted to cry, seeing all those medicine being pumped in to him made them scared. Kapono loved it, I knew he was being strong and showed progress because they were there with him. My daughter read Dr. Seuss books and my son drew pictures to hang by Kapono's bed, it was such a great time. Kapono would open his eyes wide when he saw his older sister and brother, I cried because I knew he recognized them!

That weekend was the best progress Kapono had....After Kapono passed away, we made his arrangements and we had a funeral service for him. Attached is the poem my 8 year old daughter wrote and read during the service.

My husband and I are the proud parents of Samantha who was stillborn on March 11, 1999. While we are sad and we miss her greatly, we also know that we will again be reunited with our daughter in heaven someday. The thought of one day being able to hold and play with her is one thing that keeps me going. The another is my four year old son.

I am often awaken at night by the laughter of my son and when we asked him what he was laughing about he told us he was playing with Samantha in heaven. I guess this is what keeps us all going through this life is the thought of being with our Samantha in a more perfect world.

Our angel baby has taught us alot and will continue to teach us till we meet again.

I long to hold her in my arms, and I still have "baby things" put up in the closet.

Just this morning my 4 year old daughter said Mommy " there is some baby things for our baby". I said Meagan we don't have a baby now. She said mama we do we have her in heaven... I thought I was going to cry...

I wanted to write the group for sometime now. I have gained strength by attending the Share meetings and meeting some of you. Thank You! I have wanted to express my feelings after losing our daughter, Jessica Anne, on April 4, 2000, but have often had a hard time putting it into words.

I wrote this poem for my husband, Jay, for Father's Day. See below. I framed and matted it for him and gave it to him as an expression of my love for him as well as our stillborn daughter. I can send it as a JPEG image as well. I think it really says what is in my heart and the place I have come to now. I wanted to share it with the group in the event it might help someone else. We have it hanging in what would have been Jessica's room.

While life has seemed to march on and me with it, I guess, I still have a place in my heart that can never be filled. It still hurts! Time does have a way of healing, but even time will not remove the emptiness I still feel about losing Jessica.

We have tried to remain positive for ourselves and our 3 year old son, Alex. Alex has truly been a blessing in all of this. He has been a bright spot in our lives when we thought we had none. Alex is a reminder everyday of what we have to be thankful for. We have been able to feel Jessica's presence through Alex many times over the last few months.

Alex has said things that I believe were messages from our daughter or signs from God. The morning after we told him that his baby sister had gone to heaven to be with God, he woke up crying mournfully. Not the typical cry of a cranky toddler, but a very different cry. One I had never heard before and haven't heard since.

As Alex calmed down and laid between us, he very slowly and calmly said "My baby sister is telling Jesus she wants to come home to be with Alex". We were beside ourselves that a 3 year old could articulate such a message. We hadn't said anything like that to him.

He has said many other things from time to time that seem beyond his years and comprehension. Although Alex is only three, Jessica was a very real part of his life for the nine months I carried her. He looked forward to being a big brother so much and I feel he truly feels a sense of loss as well. He talked to her daily, would sing to her and plan how he would help take care of his new baby sister.

He still talks about her occasionally and I wouldn't have it any other way. Jessica will always be a part of our lives and I want him to always remember her too!

We found a very nice resting place for our daughter at Greenlawn Cemetery. She is on the lake with Duck's for Alex to feed. We visit often and try really hard to concentrate on the positive things during our visit. While we visit "Jessica's remembering place", as Alex calls it, we feed the ducks, water the 8-ft pink Dogwood we planted there in her honor and spend spiritual time together along the waterside as a family.

Finding out we lost our little girl during a routine doctor's visit at 39 weeks with no known cause has been without a doubt the most devastating thing that has ever happened to us.

While we try to be optimistic and look to the future, it is very difficult not to look back and wonder "why". I have come to believe that although I may never like it, I may never understand it, I may never get over it - I must accept it. I have come to terms with the fact that although I can ask it over and over, I will never know why. I am actually at a place now that I no longer need to ask "WHY". I only trust in the fact that there is a "Why".

I also wanted to share some exciting news and is probably the reason I am finally able to write down our story about Jessica. Jay and I are expecting another baby. We feel very blessed at this new chance at life. Our calculated due date is, if you can believe it, April 4, 2001. If that is not a sign, I don't know what is...

Thanks for all your support, Kathy

My little question concerns our 4 1/2 yr old Vivian. She is beginning to go through some of her own grieving again. She went through some of her grieving right after Bethany passed, but this has been new stuff that we are seeing now. It seems like, since I have gone back to work she has began her grieving process again.

She makes up little songs about Bethany and also draws pictures. When she tells us about her pictures she speaks of deep feelings.

Such as, the last picture that she drew it was a black circle. In the middle of the black circle there was a rip in the paper. She told her daddy that the rip was there because Bethany didn't have Vivian in her heart but that Bethany is in Vivian's heart. Which totally caught my husband off guard, and brings you to tears, which a daddy doesn't like to show some times.

So I was wondering if you knew of anyone who has a child around this age who has lost a sibling before birth. I would love to know of someone who has get ideas on how to handle the conversations about her grieving, so she may also grieve in a health way. Any names or advise you may have would be so much appreciated.

Marcia's thoughts: What you are sharing I have experienced myself and heard in our group. My son, who was three when Seth died, had very intense feelings (he still is a deep thinker). It is good that she is openly sharing (even though it is hard to take being the parent who wants to not see our child hurt).

Her thoughts are clear and not suppressed by adult constraints. She is, at almost 5, at an age where separation and death take on new meaning. With you going back to work after the loss of her sister, she sees separation in a different light. There is, for her, a darker side to all of this and she sees the loss.

It might help for her to have something special in Bethany's memory. (Like many parents give the sibling a gift from a new baby to help with the transition...) You might want to consider helping her come up with a memento in memory of Bethany.

If you come to the candlelighting you might do what several of our members have done and take one of the little memento treasure boxes to her. Then she could think of what she might put in it in memory of Bethany.

If you believe that Bethany is in heaven, that concept gives many little ones comfort. She might be able to see that Bethany most likely does have her in her heart and is Vivian's guardian angel. This gives her what she might be looking for - love that flows both ways. AS we grieve and begin to heal - the darkness(pain and uncertainty) that Vivian is sharing can gradually give way to light and peace.

We each want "our babies" to be special and real - well, I believe they are and mementos and safe images help us (both children and adults) to free our love and open our eyes. I know I see my three babies in the arms of those relatives who have died (my father and grandparents). For me, it gives great peace.

If you can't go in this place, and some can't, just knowing that we can hold these little ones in our hearts and have a memento to treasure (like we would for an older person who died) often gives us peace. Vivian's need sounds like my son's need, he wanted to know that the love he had for Seth could be shared back by Seth and that there was hope in that connection.

My children and many of the SHARE "siblings" struggle with the pain of loss. Most of these children are young when "their" baby dies. What I have seen is when allowed to express their pain and find some concrete way (often they, like many adults, don't have all the necessary words to get their feelings out)to express it in (as your daughter is trying to do) and if these ways can lead to hope and positive thougths, these children learn how to handle grief and struggle. They grow to be more compassionate than some and learn that with work we can make it through difficult times. I am often told how understanding our sons are - a gift, I believe, from their three siblings in heaven!

My thoughts are with your family as you struggle through this time. Others have been where you are and with love, support, and patience- survived.

It has been awhile since I have had contact with anyone from Share-Atlanta. I want each and everyone of you to know how grateful I am to have you. Without you I could not have "found my spirit" so to speak. For those of you who do not know me, I will give you a brief history as well as an update.

It will be 4 years on April 26, that I lost my precious baby angel. Her name was "Holly". She was named for my mother who had died when I was eleven. This would be the only thing I could give her from "Mamma" as I have few personal belongings of hers.

I was 391/2 weeks when Holly died due to a true knot in the umbilical cord. We had experienced infertiltiy and had to go through artificial insemination to get pregnant with her. I felt I had died 1000 deaths when they told me she had died. Pregnancy was not the easiest thing for us as a couple to achieve, so therefore I had my doubts it would happen again.

I was induced at 8:30 a.m. and gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl I had ever seen, but in such a short time it was time to let her go. No, I was not ready. I don't know if you are ever ready. To this day I still cry for her. I know one day I will reunite with her.

Five and half months later I had a dream(vision) whatever you want to call it. An adult female angel came to me. Maybe it was my mom. She was holding a beautiful baby girl in her arms. The angel told me "my baby would be fine not to worry, "she" would come on time and in perfect health.

At first I thought she was talking about "Holly", but I realized a week later I was pregnant with my second child. It was at that moment I realized the angel was indeed holding "Holly" and talking about the baby I was carrying, much to my surprise.

My second pregnancy was worry free because of that vision. On June 3rd at 4:12 p.m. We gave birth to another beautiful baby girl. Her name is Emily Rebecca. She will be 3 in June. I always listen and pay attention to all the visions I have.

In February of 2000 we found out we were expecting again, but unfortunately we lost that baby to miscarriage on May of 2000 and we experienced another miscarriage in October of 2000 as well. I think we have just about experienced everything we want to with having babies (Infertility,stillbitth, live birth, and miscarriage).

I never knew just how hard miscarriage was, unitl I had gone through it. It pains me as much as the stillbirth knowing my babies are not with me.

Someone asked me once how I keep it together, and I told her "I had too much living to do" I have done my grieving for my baby angels and now I must do my living for Emily. She had brought me so much love and joy it's so hard to be sad. After all she was the miracle that survived.

What a blessing I have to celebrate each and every day. I asked her one day who she was talking to (we were the only ones at home) and she said matter of factly "my sisters mommy". Who knows maybe she was. I doubt nothing anymore.

I hope I have offered some comfort to you. I can't tell you how much comfort you all have given me. The articles keep me going.

My love to all

Barbie Clement

Hi Mathew you had already died before I was born. I' m your little sister. I was born 1 year and 5 months after you died. I miss you so much even though I never saw you. I've heard stories from our big brother Jermey, mom, Grandmother, and Grandmother.

I know your up in heaven watching me, guiding me through life. I can't wait until I finally get to meet you in heaven. Mathew we have a half-baby brother named Joseph(after you)Brandon. I love you and all ways will.

Your Little Sister,

Elizabeth Leigh

Is now a memory that will never die I hope in time we will see each other. To be able to see her smile, to be able to hug her once more and only to all be together all five. It's so hard to understand that she's not going to be here anymore,if i had one wish in life it would be bringing back my sister once more. I will always remember all the good times we all had together and cherish the rest of my life with my family who loves me and will always be there for me. My sister who i believe is in heaven - rest in peace baby girl.

Thank you for changing the name for me. This is my baby sibling again.. and my parents didn't name him/her. So I was calling him/her "Precious Little One", but I didn't really like it, but I had a hard time finding the right name. I finally did a search on this religious website about baby names, and I found Jorryn which means "the one God loves" and Amariah-Heaven which means "God has promised Heaven", and I knew it was perfect. :-) Ashley