When we lose a baby we are thrust into an unwanted and unasked for situation.

We were expecting a birth, a start of a wonderful new life, and we received just the opposite – no living person - a life that ends before it fully begins. One that we, as parents, must complete. We are suddenly pushed into a grieving pattern at a time that we thought we were going to learn about parenting our child. We are forced to make our memories from a very short life, grieve these made memories, cope and “move on.”

Often we are surprised by our strong reactions because most of us have never experienced death in any form and don’t know much about grief. We quickly become aware that society, in general, is unclear about grieving.

It is comforting to realize that the emotions, thoughts, and reactions that we experience after our loss are normal and are a part of the grieving process. When we realize and accept this fact, we can more fully embrace these new feelings and reactions, learn coping skills, and begin to heal. We can safely hold on to our memories of our baby's presence and begin to plan our future - once again.

The emotions and reactions to a loss are universal.

Because of the intensity of our reactions we fully believe that we are responding differently than we ever have to any other life event. In truth, we probably have had "smaller" losses in the past and reacted in a similar way. In these instances, we might have moved quickly through grief and gotten "on with our life."

For example, we lose a special item:

Usually, though, because our society does not encourage the emotions of grief (i.e. anger, tears, fear, sadness), any grief reactions in the past were quickly denied or covered up and we "dealt with it." Any lingering feelings might have been attributed to other issues and true grief issues were never dealt with.

One of the gifts our child can bring us is the understanding that grieving is a normal part of life's plan.

We can take the responsibility to learn about the grieving process, establish healthy coping ideas and gradually heal.

From a mom who has begun to heal 32 years after her losses:

"I suppose if I'd started grieving 32 years ago I would be stronger now. I've just learned about grieving recently & find that it's a much tougher job than any other form of labor I undertook."

"Thank you for providing a link for those of us who are just learning to regain our health by appropriately learning to grieve now...Carolyn "David Michael's Anniversary...32 years later..." by Carolyn "In Joy"

Grief is an active, normal process that embodies many reactions and emotions in response to a loss.

Did you know?

To accomplish the goal of healing we must let grieving happen. Most often, because of our society, we believe that healing will happen if we just "keep on keeping on"! Denial is a normal “stage” of grief. It actually protects us from the full intensity of feelings and emotions of the initial shock of loss. But, when denial continues indefinitely, it becomes a block towards healing.

Learning to re-direct our energies is a crucial part of the healing process. We, as a society, find many reasons for denying our pain.

These symptoms can make us feel increasingly confused and scared. New coping ideas help us to regain a sense of control, and we slowly release the tensions and confusion of grief.

Possible Symptoms: Check with your doctor if you have any concerns about a particular reaction. He/She is there to help you.

Physical

In reality, for most of us after we have suffered a loss, true healing only takes place when we come to grips with what has happened to us. This process is eased as we learn methods to make our loss comprehensible to us. Then we can move on!

Tasks of Grief by Sister Jane Marie Lamb, the founder of SHARE, at the Perinatal Bereavement Conference in Atlanta on September 14-15, 1990. SHARE Atlanta added number 6, modified #3 and added the last part of number 4.