My Precious Angel "Abbey"

We were pregnant with our second baby("Abbey"). We found out that she was a girl as we have a little boy ("Josh") and we both hoping so much for a little baby girl and sister for Josh(2&1/2 years old).

We went to our neice's first birthday party on the 27th October 2001. Everything seemed fine and everyone was asking how long to go, I only had 1 week until my due date.

The morning of the 28th October 2001 (39 weeks pregnant), I found it strange that my little girl hadn't moved. I thought she was just tired from our busy day the day before, so I decided to have some milk, have a bath, and poke at her a little to get her moving like she always had.

I called the midwives at Gosford Hospital and they said come and and we will make sure everything is ok. I really didn't think there would be a problem, as I had enjoyed this pregnancy so much, and had no problems throughout.

I still remember looking at the ultrasound and seeing her so still and the doctor saying "I am sorry, but there is no heartbeat, your baby has died". My husband and son were there with me and I still feel like it was another world I was in. It couldn't be happening, not to me. Why did this happen to me??? I couldn't believe I still had to deliver her naturally, knowing that I would have no reward at the end, I would never hear her cry and see her look up at me. I just wanted to die.

It has been 5 1/2 weeks now and I don't feel it is getting any easier, I look in her room everyday and look at her clothes and her bassinett and cry so much and still ask why did this happen, I should be holding her now, or feeding her or bathing her. I miss her so much and wonder to myself, will I ever overcome this feeling of so much pain and loss.

Some of you may find it hard to understand, that my husband and I are trying for another baby already, have been since 4 weeks after her birth. We are in no way replacing Abbey, we believe that part of her will come back to us in the next baby. We wanted our children to be close in age, and hope that we will fall straight away. "Abbey will always be our precious angel, and we believe she was too beautiful and special to live on this earth and suffer pain, so she was taken straight to a wonderful place and will always remain in our hearts.

I would love to hear from anyone who has lost their baby and talk to you. I would also be interested in hearing if anyone has fallen pregnant again within 6 weeks or more.

I wrote a poem for "Abbey" and would like to share it with you.

I had such a terrific pregnancy. I had two miscarriages, both at six weeks so anything after that was a miracle.

I started labour 5 days after she was due. After being examined I was told I couldn't be induced so an elective c section was ordered. I went back to my hospital room to wait till the afternoon.

Her heart had been beating normally that morning. When she was delivered at 5.55pm, she was gone. What a shock.

I have never felt so cheated and empty in all my life. It is now nearly six months later and we are trying again. Part of me wants desperately to be pregnant again but part of me also is scared to death that it will end in tears.

I wrote this poem for my little girl.

Lillian's Poem

My husband and I were so excited to learn that we were pregnant. It was to be our first child, and it was a boy. As the months flew by, we began to prepare our home for the arrival of Devin.

On January 27, 2002, I started having contractions. I was 35 weeks pregnant, so I thought that the baby had just decided to come early. We went to the hospital at 5pm, expecting to be told to either go home, it's false labor, or that we were bringing our son home a little earlier than we expected to.

Less than an hour later, the docotr informed us that the ultrasound showed that our son was dead. I went through full labor and delivery knowing that we would not be taking Devin home.

My pregnancy was uneventful, and everything appeared to be proceeding normally. No one can ever prepare you for a loss such as this.

Now, a little more than a week later, I feel as though everyone has forgotten except us. If you know someone who has experienced a loss such as this, let them know you haven't forgotten. I know how meaningful that would be to me.

I know that we will someday have a child, but I will never forget my beautiful son. May he rest forever in peace in God's beautiful garden of angels. I love you my "little man".

I was 38wks pregnant when I went into labour. When we reached the hospital and the midwife tried to find a heartbeat. We were told she could not, but that it could be the way he was lying. In my heart I knew Jack was dead.

We went into the delivery room where my partner had asked if we could have our friend with us. Pushing our son into the world knowing he would never cry or take a breathe was the hardest thing to do, but only I could do it.

I never held our son as I knew I could never let go. It was my way of coping. His dad held him and kissed him for both of us.

We have photos in the sitting room of Jack and his dad. We visit the cemetery nearly every day.

I miss him with all my heart and wish we had the chance to have him with us always.

It was around 11:30am on Friday, May 31,2002. I got up to go to the restroom to use it. as I started it wouldn't stop I felt something gush out of me. I told the father that something wasn't right that my water had broken. Only to find that it wasn't my water, it was blood.

I told him to call 911. Finding myself going into shock. I was 33 weeks when they got to me my blood pressure was very low. They couldn't get a pulse on me. They had me to walk downstairs to get on the strecher and started to Dekalb Medical.

I noticed that my baby had shifted to one side and she didn't move at all. When I got there they tried to find her heartbeat and couldn't so they got the ultrasound machine. She wasn't breathing.

I was going into shock again. So they called my dr. and got orders from her. They took me to another room. When the doctor got there she checked me. I had dilated 3cm so she broke my water and it was a pool. They begain to induce. I was in so much pain I asked fpr more pain medication.

When she checked she said she's 10cm, and I said I have to push. She said push so I did that for about 15 min. There she was at 17:54pm weighing 4lbs5oz 16in1/2 long. She was so pretty she had a head full of hair looking just like her 3yr old sister.

This was preg. number 5 with 2 living. I spent time wiith her after I had her. I held her all I wanted. I sent her out of the room when her father came in - he didn't want to see her. Everytime he left I send for her. I talked to her and sing and also said a prayer.

Because I already knew what happened to her it was my job. I had just came from the dr. that wed. and she was fine. So on Sat June 1, 2002 we called and made arrangements for a furneral home to pick her up.

They did and I buried my Erianna on Friday June 7,2002. We had a graveside with an open casket. Everyone was talking about what a pretty baby. She was dressed in her pink dress, pink booties and white headband.

Now that she's gone I try to explain to my 5 and 3yr old because they ask questions and hard one's at that. I try but it hard.

Thank you Marcia for this awesome opportunity to share.

This is the story of Benjamin Alexander Hardnett who was Stillborn May 16,2002, but yet he still lives on.

Our precious jewell has done more with his life than people we know who have lived 60 plus years. My husband and I were blessed to have been chosen as a vessel. Since our jewell's passing so many people have been touched. Benjamin's transition has brought so many people together. Others have been reacquainted with there faith. His life has caused people to stop and think, "what am I really doing with my life" "does it matter what I do", and does it or am I making a difference". God has truly been magnified through this all.

Some of you may be wondering why our title reads "son of my right hand". The meaning of Benjamin and Alexander means defender of mankind. Our son has done just that. When we named him it was perfect because we of the importance of a name. My husband did not want a junior, his feelings were that there were enough in the family. But Benjamin would be his right hand. We also were planning like all of you I'm sure, to raise him with integerity, to love and care for others, and to always stand up for what is right. So we knew he could be a defender of mankind. It's amazing how we plan and then God has His plan. Since Benji's passing we have been reminded that the Son of God sits at the right hand of the Father, and we are to draw our strength from Him. Now we also have Benjamin to draw our strength from. His legacy truly lives on.

It was Tuesday, May 14, 2002, at our weekly appointment that I learned Benjamin's heart had stopped. I then felt mine stop. It was almost like it was trapped in time. I was 36 weeks and this really was not happening. I just had reached the point of breathing, because we had had a miscarriage 10 years prior and not conceived since.

The following morning I was admitted in the hospital to induce labor. I went the whole day only dilating to 2. The next morning at 6 am I was still 2 centimeters. At 8am my water broke and I had dilated to 7. At 10:15 am I felt an enormous contraction that traveled from my waste to mid thigh. It was Benjamin, his head was not crowned but it was completely out. I only had to do one push long enough for my husband to count to three. I did not receive one tear, nor did I have an episiotmy. God knew I had enough to deal with in the healing process.

Our lives will never be the same. Thank you God for our son and Thank you for reading.

Joshua Gideon White-Parfitt

On April 9, 2002 my world came to a crashing halt when the doctor said they could no longer detect a heartbeat for my baby. I had not felt any movement for a whole day. But Joshua's routine was busy one day and very little movement the next.

The doctor admitted me to the hospital (as I live 1 hour away)and we started to prepare for the birth of my long awaited son. It had taken 10 years for me to finally get pregnant. I was 37 years old and had always wanted a baby for as long as I could remember.

My maternal serum test had come back with awful results, but I stepped out in faith that God would give me a perfect healthy baby boy. Therefore I decided against an amnio. The slight chance that it could cause me to lose my child was too high was what I felt. My husband supported me in my decision.

On April 11, 2002 at 04:00 in the morning I was over 4 cm dilated. They took me to labour and delivery and by the time they had put the epidural in I was fully dilated, my water broke and I was ready to push.

My baby was delivered with ease. There was no cry only silence. I let the staff weigh and measure Josh and then I held my greatest accomplishment on this earth for the first and only time. My parents came and held their grandson and my parish minister came and did a naming service with us all. They then had to take me to the OR because the placenta did not want to come out.

As a gift to my son, my parents looked after the arrangements of the funeral home and my grandmother allowed us to bury Josh in her plot with my grandfather. I miss my son every moment of every day and I await the day that we will be together again so I can hold him in my arms forever.

On November 15 2002, I found out the most heartbreaking news a mother could hear. I hadn't felt well for two days so I went to the Doctor. I felt Matthew on Thursday Nov 13 - he was moving & kicking me, but the next day I felt more sick & I didn't feel him at all. So I called the Doctor & they had me come in. I went on the fetal monitor & saw his heartbeat but I didn't feel him.

The Midwife sent me home & said she would leave a note for my doctor in the morning. Well my doctor called & said go the hospital for a wellbeing ultrasound of the baby just to make sure all is well. I went & the technician that did the ultrasound told me go straight to your doctor's office after she got done.

When I arrived at the Doctors office I knew something was wrong from the solomn look on her face then she told me they didn't find a heartbeat. I cried so hard I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told her stop it that can't be, but it was real.

The next day I delivered Matthew - November 16 2002. He was 5lbs 17 1/2 inches long & so beatiful the doctor couldn't find or see any cause when I gave birth to him. I held Him , kissed him , but I couldn't cry I just looked in disbelief.

We had a beatiful wake & burial for him and he will be next to me & his dad. I had just turned 8 mos the day the doctor gave me the news.

This week I will be receiveing the autopsy report, and I pray that will give me an answer to what happened & why.

I have been having a very hard time. I feel Soo empty inside & angry. I had to pack everything away & take the crib down - that hurt sooo much too. Everything does.

I just wanted to hear him cry for me.

My heart goes out to everyone who has ever lost there baby. My prayers are with all of you. Thank You for listening.

My son Joshua had died two years and one month ago. He was stillborn, two days after my due date. I had a healthy pregnancy and the doctors do not have any answers for us. Just a little over a month ago I had a miscarriage. The past two years have been very devastating for my husband and I.

We have the most beautiful and precious angel up in heaven, and he is always looking down on us and smiling. Even when it is raining I know he is not crying because he is in a better place then we are. I get to hold me everyday because he is in my heart and my mind.

I was 32 weeks pregnant with my second daughter Leeteesha when I discovered she had died.

I then had to go to Tamworth Base Hospital to give birth to her. Doing this was so hard as I knew that I couldn't bring her home. Also knowing that I would never see her smile or hear her cry tore my heart in two.

How was I going to explain to my daughter, Brittany, that her little sister wasn't coming home.

Leeteesha was born at 8:42pm the next night. I had my mum and aunty there, but to me it was just me and her. I felt so alone and angry that god would do something like this to me.

When I left the hospital I felt my life will never be the same as having her growing inside me. Her dying was horrible.

The funeral was the hardest as seeing her tiny coffin just sitting there knowing there would be no more. I took it very hard and was just in a daze not realizing what was going on around me.

It's now been nearly four months and I still get mad and hurt everyday, but I have people around me who love and support me and her father has been great.

I will have another baby someday but I' ll always have that feeling of something will go wrong.

Second Entry: Losing my daughter 4 months ago was the hardest knowing that I could never bring her home to my other daughter was especially hard. Burying her was even worse im slowly learning to cope, but its not as easy as you think. My other little girl is always asking questions about why it happened and i just can't explain.

Our beautiful first born baby girl was born still on her due date. From the first checkup to the last, which was 2 days before she died, everything looked great~ her heartbeat was strong and she was very active. My doctor told me that I was progressing well and he expected me to have her over the weekend.

I was so excited for the birth of my daughter. I spent countless hours fixing her nursery and daydreaming about what fun times we would have together~ how we would grow to become best friends!!!

The day before she was born, I was at my mother's house and we were relaxing in front of the t.v. all day. My mother asked me if the baby was moving a lot that day, and after thinking about it, I realized that she hadn't. I called the doctor right away, even though I didn't think that anything was wrong. I thought she was just getting so big and that she was locked into the birth position. We went to the doctor and they searched for a heartbeat but found none.

I was not alarmed at first- everything was so perfect the entire pregnancy, what could go wrong this close to the end??

They did an ultra sound and still did not find a heartbeat- the doctor then told me that the baby had died. I screamed out in disbelief and devastation. I couldn't believe what I had just heard!! How could god take my baby girl away from me?? What did I do wrong!!?? I am the mommy, I should have known something was wrong. I was furious with myself, god, and the doctor. I felt so cheated and so robbed.

My mother called Isabel's father and told him to come to the hospital. All we could do for the next 5 hours was cry and cry. Later that night I was induced.

Isabel was born at 9:42 am the next morning. Before she was born, I didn't know if I would be able to see her right away. I thought that it would be too hard. But the second I saw her, I grabbed her in my arms and never wanted to let my perfect angel go.

Jacob and I sat holding her, talking to her, taking pictures of her, dressing her, and looking at her for the next 3 days. We couldn't let her go.

We buried her that Friday. Tons of people came to the funeral. She was so wanted and so anticipated...for the short amount of time she was with us, she touched so many lives.

The only comfort I have is knowing she is in a better place. As happy as she would have been here with us, she will be that much happier in her life with Christ.

I love you Isabel and I will never ever forget you!!!

This is the saying I wanted to tell you every night before you went to bed. It is from my favorite childhood book: I'll love you forever..

On June 24, 2003 I had spent some of the day packing a few light boxes as we were planning to move the following weekend. I was 35 weeks pregnant with our second sweet little boy. My pregnancy had gone by with not a single problem and the doctors were even concerned about how big he was going to be. Their guess was around 10 pounds.

As night time came I realized that I hadn't felt my baby moving like usual. He was normally extremely active, but I told myself that I had just been so busy that I hadn't paid as much attention to it as usual.

The next morning at 5:30 am I got up when my husband was getting ready for work and still there was no movement. We went to the hospital to be monitored. Three or four sets of nurses came in and checked for but could not find his heartbeat. They did an ultrasound but didn't tell us anything. Then an hour later sent me down to ultrasound department, who still wouldn't tell me anything.

After being back in L&D for another hour, two doctors came in and told us that what they feared was indeed true--our baby had died. My labor was induced and at 6:25 am the following morning (June 26), I had to push out our precious little one who never cried. The only screams and tears came from me and my husband.

They dressed him and brought him into the room for us to say hello and goodbye. That little boy's face is burned into my memory and I hope will stay there forever. He was 5 pounds 12 ounces and 19 inches long with light brown hair, and the exact same perfect face as his 21 month old brother, Noah.

I had so many pictures in my mind of the two of them together. Playing and laughing and him trying to do everything his brother did. But we buried him and our dreams for him on Saturday June 28, 2003.

My parents took care of the funeral and arrangements for him, they said that was the only gift they would ever be able to give him. My husband's father flew in from Oregon to be with us and helped my husband deal with his grief because he had been through the loss of an infant as well. We thank them so much for what they have done for us.

I know that Eli is being held in the arms of Jesus himself and what better place for him if not with me. Still, everyday I grieve for him. My heart feels like it has been ripped open. I never knew that a sadness like this existed.

Eli, mommy and daddy and brother love you so much and you will forever be remembered and cherished. I miss you so much squiggler!!!

Hello all - This is so hard to write since we lost her only 3 months ago, but it is good to get out and also remember my sweet baby girl. My husband and I found out we were pregnant in March 2003 and we were so excited. We had just married in January and we were ready to have a family (our first baby).

It was a tough pregnany I was real sick, finally the doctors found a good medicine for me. Then it was time to find out the sex and we just knew it was a little girl. We were right. She was a fisty little girl she didn't want the doctor to mess with her. We knew we had our hands full then. My husband was so excited to have a little girl, he came from a family of all boys. We found the perfect name for her "Haley Faith White".

We were getting everything ready for her. The closer It got my thoughts became scared about loosing her. I had several friends that had miscarried and 2 friends loose there babies after birth and it just stuck in my mind. As a mother to be you are nervous anyways so that didn't help and I hurt for them. My husband and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) and we have great faith in the lord. During my pregancy it helped to pray that is how I felt comfort.

Towards the end of my pregancy I started to swell lots and my siatic nerve started to kick in. I was pretty uncomfortable, but that is what pregancy is right. Well I started having feelings that I was going to loose Haley and the feelings came to my mind a couple of times. We were all the way down to one week away from delivery and I went to the doctor on Monday and all was well, good heartbeat and she was ready to come soon. We had all the room set up, car seat in and everyone in the family was ready.

Well on Thursday, she wasn't moving around like she should and we went in to the doctors. He couldn't find a heartbeat and all he could say was that he was sorry. My husband and I couldn't believe it. What had happened. We were just in shock, it was only 3 day ago that she was fine. I just screamed and cried and could not believe that the little baby girl we were waiting for was gone.

I was going to have to deliver vaginal but after finding out that I had gotten a rapid case of toxemia they took Haley c-section. I was so thankful for that, I couldn't imagine going through the deliver. My husband was the first to hold her after the c-section and then we had all of our family come into town and were able to see her.

We spent time with her while everyone else was gone and told her all about her parents and her room we did for her. I kissed her head and it didn't feel like this was the baby I was so anxious to meet. I didn't want to believe it. She was suppose to cry and all the things that were suppose to happen. My husband cut the cord, you know all that they teach you in class.

It hurts so much some times to think she isn't here, and I hurt because I just want to be able to give my husband that sweet little baby girl. Haley is our hearts and we love her so much. She is our little angel. Haley weighed 6pound -. 6ounces and 20inches long. She was perfect, and had all that we wanted for her to look like.

We put her to rest a few day later. It was so hard to see the precious baby that was in my body in that tiny white box. She wasn't suppose to be there, she was suppose to come home with us. I just couldn't believe it.

I do know that Haley is with, her grandfather, my husband's dad. It is kinda ironic that my husband's dad died the same day as Haley 5 years ago. They are in good company.

I have come to peace knowing that I will see her again one day and we will be together as a family. It doesn't make the hurt go away but it helps me go from day to day. We have so much support from friends and family, and the lord comforts us with blessings of such great people.

I desire to have more and we will start trying soon. But my fears flood through my mind, I'm scared that it will happen again.

I appreciate the stories that are shared on this site. A friend that lost a baby gave this site to me and I have enjoyed it. My heart goes out to all the special women and families that have gone through what we have. I do know that our children that are in heaven are so very special and the lord loves them greatly and is watching over us as parents.

Thanks for listening and sharing with me - Alicia & Steve White

After 4 years of trying to get pregnant I was finally referred to an IVF clinic for treatment on the NHS.

We visited an IVF clinic in July 2002 to see the consultant who examined me and agreed that I was suitable for treatment. I was given another appointment for November 2002. The waiting list was one year but we could pay for a private course in the meantime. We agreed that we would pay for a course of IVF to start in November. My GP agreed to pay for the drugs which accounted for about 40% of the total cost.

I was put on drugs to stimulate my ovaries and was scanned every other day to check if my ovaries were responding. My ovaries were not responding so I was advised to abandon this attempt and begin again with stronger drugs (injections rather than nasal spray).

In January 2003 I began a course of injections. I had to inject the drugs into my thigh every day. Again I was scanned every other day ­ things were looking good.

Monday 24th Feb 10.30pm - 36 hours before egg collection I had to go to the hospital for the final injection.

Wednesday 26th Feb 9.30am we returned to the hospital for egg retrieval. Here we hit a snag, despite previous samples being fine, Brian’s sperm were not active and mobile ­ we were advised to opt for ICSI were one good sperm is selected and injected directly into each egg.

Then came the next snag. Only one egg was retrieved. Because of my endometriosis only one ovary could be reached and most of the follicles did not contain eggs.

We were deeply disappointed ­ all this effort and so little good results. However we had one egg. We were sent home ­ the hospital would call the following day to tell us if fertilisation had taken place.

Thursday 27th February ­ my egg had been successfully fertilised. We were amazed and thrilled.

Friday 28th February ­ we returned to the hospital for embryo transfer. We were shown the 4-cell embryo magnified many times. After the transfer had taken place I was advised to lie still for a while before going home. I was advised to cut out caffeine, hot spicy foods and pineapple (I am still unsure why pineapple), continue taking folic acid and take one aspirin a day.

We were to return in two weeks time for a pregnancy test. I spent the next two weeks on a high assuming I was pregnant and taking it very easy.

Thursday 13th March ­ the day before I was due at the hospital for the pregnancy test I decided it was time to face reality ­ the chances of me being pregnant were slim.

Friday 14th March - we returned to the hospital ­ I had not done a pregnancy test myself ­ much to the amazement of the nurse. After she left with my urine sample Brian calmly tried to warn me that that the chances of being pregnant were slim, I agreed and we awaited the bad news. Jenny, the nurse returned a few minutes later with the news ­ I was pregnant !! We were absolutely stunned.

We had booked a holiday to Barcelona for 18th March ­ we thought we’d be getting away to cheer us up if I was not pregnant ­ now I was panicking about flying but was assured that as it was only a short flight we should go. I didn’t enjoy the flights at all although I did enjoy the holiday.

We had also booked a holiday to USA for 25th April ­ I immediately decided I was not going. Luckily the insurance company were happy to repay my flight costs after receiving a letter from my GP.

Quite often I would get niggly stomach aches and period like pains. On one occasion I rang the hospital in tears convinced that the pregnancy was ectopic. Jenny reassured me that this was unlikely ­ it was just my body recovering from all the procedures it had gone through and also now getting used to being pregnant. I would have to wait for the 6-week scan.

Friday 11th April - I was booked for a scan ­ the sonographer confirmed that everything was well ­ a heartbeat could be detected. We received our first photo of our baby ­ a blob. We were given a due date of 23rd November. I mentioned all the aches and pains I had but was assured that baby was fine so I accepted these little niggles.

Friday 25th April - I returned for a scan when arms and legs could be seen clearly waving. Brian had flown to America that morning. Mum came with me. She was in tears as she watched her grandchild wave to her.

I no longer needed to attend the IVF clinic ­ I saw my GP and told her the good news and was referred to the maternity unit.

My bump was growing ­ I liked to stand in front of the mirror admiring it.

I attended my antenatal appointments.

I am not sure when I started to get morning sickness. I would feel sick at all sorts of times not just in the morning. Quite often I had lost my appetite for most things. In fact all I wanted was Jacket potatoes & cheese (reasonably healthy). I used to try to drink plenty of water and also drunk milkshakes (nesquik) to keep my fluid intake up. One day I made myself a glass of milkshake and very soon after brought it up. That was my last milkshake! In time water would make me retch although on the midwife’s advice I would sip water rather than try to drink a glassful.

In time the nausea subsided and I started eating more ­ even enjoying the odd Indian meal. I thought that I ate reasonably healthily throughout although I didn’t eat much fruit until quite late on in pregnancy.

Thursday 3rd July - 20 week scan - a problem was found with one of the baby’s kidneys. It was multi-cystic. We were very upset. We were referred to UCH where we saw a kidney specialist that afternoon. He assured us that the baby would be fine; he would possibly need a course of anti-biotics when he was born. As long as the other kidney remained good everything would be fine ­ many people live with just one kidney.

At this point we had no idea whether the baby was a boy or girl. I referred to it as He as I disliked the word “It”.

Thursday 31st July we went to UCH for another scan. We were assured that baby’s kidneys were as before. One kidney was fine.

I continued to attend antenatal appointments and in mid August decided to transfer to a hospital, closer to home as it is more convenient for us to get to.

Monday 8th September we saw a Kidney specialist from Great Ormond Street who explained baby’s kidney problem and possible courses of action after birth.

I can’t remember when I was first aware of kicks. At first it was a feeling of butterflies in my tummy but soon there was no mistaking the kicks ­ it was a beautiful feeling. I would be woken in the early morning by an active baby and I would lie in bed smiling to myself and realising that the day our baby was due was getting nearer and nearer. .

I hadn’t slept the whole way through the night for months but I didn’t mind ­ everyone said it was good practise for when the baby arrived.

Wednesday 1st October I attended my first antenatal class. It was good to be with other expectant mums. Of the whole class I was due first. There were a couple of classes arranged at times so that Dads could come along.

Wednesday 15th October the antenatal class was held in the evening so Brian came with me. Half way through the class Brian fainted and we spent the next few hours in casualty. Everyone at the antenatal class joked that Brian wouldn’t be much use at the birth if he couldn’t cope with a discussion at an antenatal class.

Monday 27th October ­ Antenatal check-up. I was told on this occasion that I would not be allowed to go overdue. When I asked why the consultant said that because it was an IVF pregnancy.

I packed up work on Friday 31st October and started to enjoy putting my feet up, watching daytime TV especially the satellite health channels, which showed births and pregnancy stories.

We had borrowed a baby name book from the library. I had some names that I had liked for years about 6 boys names and 6 girls names. Brian read through the book and short-listed about 20 boys and 20 girls’ names ­ we hadn’t agreed on a single name. My names were fairly ordinary, every day names. Brian didn’t want our child to have a name that would be the same as 6 other kids in the class. That ruled out most of my names. I read through Brian’s list, dismissed some of them immediately and ticked a few of Brian’s choices that I liked. Brian wanted the middle name to be a family name so for a boy we chose Alexander (after my Dad) or Stanley (after Brian’s Grandfather). We soon agreed on a girl’s name. From that moment we were convinced the baby was a boy. I decided that Gavin was a good name and that Alexander went well as a middle name. I used to say the names over and over to get used to the sound of them. We soon agreed that Gavin Alexander would be the name for a boy although I have heard that sometimes babies are born and the parents decide that the chosen name is not appropriate.

The baby kicked me every day to reassure me. One morning I thought I hadn’t felt the baby move in a while. We went to the hospital. As soon as they hooked me up to the fetal monitor the baby kicked constantly!

I had my last ante-natal check-up on Monday 17th November. The consultant booked me in for induction on Friday 28th November assuming I hadn’t gone into labour before.

My due date came and went. The baby still kicked me regularly. Friday 28th arrived. I woke early excited and anxious. I’d have my baby within the next 24 hours.

We got to the hospital at 8.30am. I was finally seen at about 9.30 and put on my nightie, got into bed and was hooked up to a fetal monitor. There were 2 other ladies on the ward who had both been brought in more than 24 hours previously for induction and hadn’t been taken downstairs, as the labour ward was too busy. It was obvious I wasn’t going to be induced that day. Brian & I decided however that I was in the best place.

Saturday came & went without being induced.

Finally Sunday lunchtime I was induced ­ twice. An attempt to break my waters was made. I had a lot of pelvic pain so was given painkillers & a sleeping tablet ­ the first pills I had taken for the whole of my pregnancy.

Monday 1st December I was taken down to the labour ward and attached to a drip, which started contractions. As the baby was being continually monitored I spent the whole time lying down ­ my birth plan having gone completely out of the window. I cannot now recall times and dates as days and nights all blurred into one.

I was examined and found to be 1cm dilated. The drip was increased and the contractions got worse. I was using gas and air but decided some sort of pain relief was necessary. I was given an injection of dia-morphine. I started having the strangest hallucinations ­ pleasant and colourful and the pain did subside. When the dia-morphine wore off I was given another shot but it didn’t have the same effect ­ I think I’d got too used to it.

After 4 hours I was 5cms dilated. At this point, against my earlier wishes I opted for an epidural. It was now 2am on Tuesday 2nd December. At about 6.30am I was examined again and was still only 5cm dilated. I was advised to opt for a caesarean section and I signed the consent forms.

As I was wheeled to the operating theatre I had a really severe contraction that seemed to last forever. I also felt very sick and before the midwife could get a bowl to me I threw up violently ­ all over the gown and sheet that were covering me and all over the midwife who was standing beside the trolley. I did wonder if that was the moment that Gavin died. (I found out later from my hospital notes that Gavin was still alive at 7.26am ­ fourteen minutes before he was born).

The operation went as planned and half an hour later the baby was lifted out of me. One of the nurses lowered that sheet and said to me “Look it’s a boy” I was immediately concerned that he didn’t move his arms and legs and started to shout “What’s wrong with my baby.” No one answered me so I continued to shout. The baby didn’t cry and I was really panicking by now.

Some time later a woman doctor to inform us that our baby could not be revived. He had never taken a breath. All our hopes and dreams died at that moment.

We were in shock. I started to scream at the staff that I needed my family ­ my parents and two sisters, and I needed them to come in immediately. I knew Mandy would be at work so I insisted that they got both sisters to come in. I never thought at the time about how much I scared everyone by asking the hospital to call them.

I just needed everyone to be with me. I knew time was precious and that I had to show off my son.

We named the baby Gavin Alexander ­ I am so glad that we didn’t waste time trying to agree on a name. We’d finally come up with this name about two weeks previously.

I asked the nurses to get me a Catholic priest so that Gavin could be baptised.

I gave a nurse the little outfit that I had picked out. It was a bit big. The nurses dressed Gavin. I now regret the fact that I never saw Gavin naked; I never saw all his little boy’s bits. I only ever saw his head and hands. He was absolutely beautiful and perfectly formed.

The nurses made ink prints of Gavin’s hands and feet. He weighed 8lb 6oz and was 56cms long. A good healthy size but he hadn’t lived. No one could tell me why Gavin hadn’t lived.

I decided then that Gavin would have a post mortem. I needed to know why he died although the post mortem may be inconclusive.

My family arrived after what seemed ages. They were all devastated. Brian had found my camera and we took about 40 photos making sure that we had pictures of Gavin with each family member. A regret I have is that some of the photos don’t show Gavin close up but of course we never got the chance to re-take them.

The chaplain arrived but explained that he couldn’t baptise Gavin as he wasn’t alive. Instead he would bless him.

All too soon it was time for Gavin to be taken from us as he needed to go to Hammersmith hospital for a post mortem.

Brian had the awful task of having to phone friends and tell them the news. He also cleared all the baby equipment into the loft.

I had to stay in hospital until Friday as I had had a caesarean. I hated this time as I felt I was an embarrassment to the system. I was neither an expectant mum nor a new mum with a baby.

I emailed a number of work colleagues. Alison sent me the most beautiful poem and I showed it to my family. We all cried as it was so beautiful. I thought it would be lovely to have it read at Gavin’s funeral and my sister Sarah agreed to read it.

I will be forever grateful to Mum and Dad for dealing with the horrendous task of arranging Gavin’s funeral. Brian and I had no idea what we wanted. I wanted Gavin to be buried at Lavender Hill in Enfield as we have many friends buried there.

Gavin’s funeral was arranged for Thursday 18th December. We visited the chapel of rest on Wednesday with Brian’s family and my parents and brother Tony. Again we took lots of photos ensuring we had pictures of Gavin with each family member. We placed some toy elephants and a photo of Brian & I into the coffin.

Thursday 18th December was a bright sunny day. The sun streamed through the church onto Gavin’s tiny coffin.

There were many friends at the church but only relatives at the cemetery as our beloved son was laid to rest.

He is buried in the children’s area of the cemetery where there are sadly many other still born babies but I am glad he will have lots of little friends to play with.

Gavin Alexander was our little miracle. He gave me the best nine months of my life and of fulfilling my dream ­ to be a mummy. Thank you darling.

One day we hope to give Gavin a little brother or sister. We will never replace Gavin but we shall proudly tell our next child of their beautiful brave big brother.

Marcia's thoughts: Joanna, your story is touching and is one that keeps needing to be told...just the way you did so well here. I wish that I could convene at every inservice that I do (or that our group does) the very thoughts that you share here - from the very first our hopes and dreams are there and our love stays through it all. On our son's grave stone are the words that have carried me through 20 years of volunteering with SHARE Atlanta: The Love Stays." It does. I will always love Seth, Catherine and Elizabeth and their two living siblings and everytime we do an inservice, touch a hurting parent or see healing parents, I know that love lives on. Just as the love you feel for Gavin Alexander will live on.

You have made your love clear in the feelings that you experienced in every aspect of your pregnancy and birth and how you (and your family) have made Gavin's presence meaningful. Thank you for that. I most likely will use all or parts of your story in some inservice. It says so much...these special children are our miracles and we will never forget them.

Entry #2 - 4/6/04

Dear Marcia, Thank you for including Gavin's story on the SHARE website. It is lovely to know that other people now know about him. I love talking about him (like any proud mum really).

I have emailed a couple of people whose stories are on your site. It certainly helps to share experiences. I have joined SANDS, the British still birth association which is fantastic and attend local meetings

Thank you for all you have done to help me and all the other people who have gone through such tragic experiences. With love from Joanna

Marcia's thoughts: I am glad that you have found support from our site and from others who visit the site. We are moms...we love to talk about our children!!

I am also pleased that you have found a local support group...it helps so much to be able to see and chat with people who share a common understanding and need. Healing does happen with such support. We do have a link to their group on our site.

Thank you for the kind words of support...we are here because of our own experiences and we do wish to offer as much support as we can to other grieving parents. I know that your healing will happen...if ever so gently.

I just wanted to say that your website is beautiful!!! I understand the grief all of you lovely mommys go thru because my firstborn was stillborn at full term on April 23, 2003. I am sorry for all of your losses!!! Our sweet babies are in heaven all playing together now!!!

To meet my son you may visit him at his webpage...

You belong to me...not God. As a Christian woman I understand that heaven is so much better than earth. I understand that I will be going there someday and I look forward to it. As a mother longing for her child, and I believe this isn't fair. I believe Nathan belongs to me not him.

During his funeral that's all I could think is I want to take him home and keep him. He's not supposed to be with God, where its safe and beautiful, but he's supposed to be down here to be with his brothers, sister, father, and me.

By the way, if one more person says that I'll see him in heaven someday and that should give me peace I'm going to go off. Some people say the stupidest things!

I was seeing a high risk ob for a blood clotting disorder I have during my pregnancy so I was able to see Nathan on a regular basis. He was doing fantastic until I was 33 weeks when I began to feel him less. I mentioned this to my ob, but as most dr's do they didn't listen. I repeated my concerns at my 34 week visit. They told me as long as he's moving so many times during an hr he was fine.

By the next Monday I didn't feel him and Tuesday they told me he died. I delivered him Wednesday at 35 weeks.

I've never been so devastated in my life.

6 weeks later I'm dealing with it better, but still sometimes I wish I was in heaven with Nathan. Since he can't come to me I want to go to him. I will someday, in God's time.

I have to say my pregnancy wasn't normal from the beginning. Let me take you back a little bit. First I had a tubal pregnancy years back and had surgery for that. I was told that for me to get pregnant on my own that it would be a 5% chance. One of my fallopian tubes is blocked.

I was having weird episodes and wanted to pass out, had sweaty palms and just didn't feel right. One night I was out to eat with some co-workers and I felt like I was going to pass out, so they took me to the E.R. and they asked me if I thought i was pregnant and i said no. She took one anyways and I was right. Then in March I made an appointment to see an allergist because of all the problems I was having.

I wanted to buy a cheap pregnancy test b/c I thought it was going to be negative but couldn't find one. I was telling my co-worker that I wanted a test and that i didn't want to buy one b/c of the price. So later that night she bought one and brought it into the store and said here. So i took it into the bathroom and waited the 5 minutes. My boss came in to check up on the store and it was about the 5 min. so I went to see, and i figured it would be negative. I don't get lucky like that. So there i saw the results and 2 pink lines.

I was so excited that i just kept saying oh my god over and over. I called my boyfriend to tell him the news and he said he knew it. I never did. I was tired and my chest was hurting but thought nothing of it. I made the first doctors appointment.

It was so long away that I wanted a sono b/c of my previous experience with the tubal. There the baby was safe and in the right spot. We got to see the baby's heartbeat and we knew that heart more than any other body part. Well we found out that I was 3 months along. Those first 3 months were very nauseated.

The 4th month was like someone let loose a teenager in my uterus and was attacking a full refrigerator.

Then came the 5th month and thats when it all begain. We went to have our sono done and to find out the sex. She was checking the head and all other body parts then asked if we wanted to know the sex. Yeah we did, even though it didn't matter because i wanted a boy for him and he wanted a girl for me. So she told us we were haveing a girl.

I knew it b/c i had dreams of seeing a little girl with black hair. He saw me holding a girl. Then she got down towards my cervix and she became quiet. I knew something wasn't right so she said that the doctor had to take a look. My boyfriend was still in the moment of finding out that we were having a girl that he was squeezing my shoulder so I told him to stop.

We were sitting in the room waiting to see what the problem was. He told me that i was dilating and had to go to the hospital to be put on Tremelenburg(sorry about the spelling). Which is where your head is more towards the floor so the baby is off your cervix. I was funnelled and needed to have a cerclage done but I was 20 weeks so he couldn't do that.

Usually at this far along they let a miscarrige proceed because they are usually done at 14 plus weeks. Well we went into the hospital and the nurse asked me if i had to go to the bathroom b/c thats the last time i could go on my own. I really hate cathaders. For the first 3 or so hours felt like hell. I felt like i had a bladder infection that was out of control. She was getting mad and i was mad at her b/c this thing was driving me nuts.

I was now considered a high risk patient. We were in there for 2 weeks and they told us to make a decision if we should do it or not to have a cerclage done. They told us the risks and said that we would do it. It was a rescue cerclage and my doctor who did it said the membranes were right there if i waited any longer it would of been too late.

The whole time I was there i was on Magnesium Sulfate for the cont. and Indomethicin for cont. Also something for infections if i got any. Every week we had to go to the heart spec. b/c indo can screw up a baby's heart. The 3rd week came and I was finally out.

I had to be on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy which is so funny b/c they make you wait so long in the doctors office that it makes no cense. I went to my moms house b/c it was easier if I had to go to the hospital and my boyfriend wasn't that far away. I started counting down the moment.

At 36 weeks came the time to take out the stitch. I was scared that it was going to hurt and it did b/c it felt like my skin was caught in the disposable thing to keep you open. I was expecting to go into labor that day but it didn't happen. They were amazed to see me there the next week.

At 37 weeks things started to get tougher. I was told that I had an anterior placenta which means it sits on top. I hated counting and keeping track of the movements b/c either she was lazy or i couldn't feel them unless she kicked hard. I had to have fetal stress monitering and a bio physical done which the baby has to pass certain tests.

Well one Thursday I had to go to the hospital b/c she did really bad on her bio physical. So the monitered me and did anther bio and the felt she was fine. I asked about being induced and they told me that they don't induce just to induce. I wanted it over with especially when I couldn't feel her move.

Friday night came and she had the hick ups and i felt her head move and i think she kicked once. Saturday came and no movements but i had Braxton Hicks and thought it was just her moving around b/c there was less room.

I didn't want to go up to the hospital just to be hooked up to the moniter and then sent home. I wanted them to call my doctor but they don't bother a doctor thats not on call. So the doctor on call said all I can tell you is go up get monitered. I told him i can't take going up there all the time and getting sent home b/c everything was okay. He said that if he didn't like the strip he would induce me. So we went up.

I had an older nurse that night.It was around 7ish when we went. She put the moniter on and couldn't find anything. My boyfriend and I wanted to grab the thing out of her hand and show her right where they have allways found her heart beat. So they came in with a sonogram machine. There she was silent. I was in shock, hurt and angry. They wanted to have another sono done to make sure. That meant more time to wait.

I just wanted something done to see if she had a chance. They told me that they don't do c-sections for no heartbeats. So at 9 or so someone came to do another sono which this person had to come from home. I couldn't watch the screen I just cried. There it was confirmed no heartbeat.

I agree with my boyfriend we had no choice when the baby was alive but when she died we had choices. We could go home and let labor begin on its own or be induced. I chose to be induced and that didn't start for hours. Why do they make you wait?

Why is it that when women know their bodies no one listens but when we are right they say we should of listened?!

At 1 am they started a pill to induce and had to be done every 4 hours. At 4:30 they came back in to give me another pill and at that time I was 1cm dilated. I had contractions but they didn't hurt but they turned into cramps. They wanted to give me either Morphine or Demerol for pain but I had them both in the past and they don't work.

The cramps got worse and what did I get Demerol. I got 2 shots and in a heartbeat i was so hot and the cramps got 20 times worse. Which in a way was good b/c i dilated faster. I'm not sure what time it was but I felt the need to push a couple of times. I told my sister or my boyfriend to get someone.

I couldn''t wait so I started pushing without them. I was tring to grab my boyfriends shirt so i would have extra oomph but they tell me that I was closing my legs and thrashing around. It felt so weird like a massive burning sensation.

My sister said oh my god theres the head and i just looked at her with a daze. I remember them holding her up and seeing that she was all grey. Then didn't even suction out the fluid just wiped her off a little and gave her to me.

She had black hair and her lips were so red and her skin was starting to come off her belly button. I wish many things like that i took more time with her, and took more pictures. The pictures from the hospital were horrible. The polariod ones were all fuzzy and the professional ones were crappy they cut off the top of her head.

I don't have any pictures that show her whole body . She ws born at 6:41 weighing 5lbs and 3 ounces and 19 inches long. She had some big feet and still room to grow.

When I look at my now fiance I see her especially when he sleeps. I see her in him all the time its good to see that. He doesn't know that I cry every day.

We had her funeral that week that I had her. That is a monment that i never want to endure ever again.

I love my little lady and she was my first born. I miss her so much that my mind thinks she's all alone and it's cold outside and I can't hold her to make her warm and safe, that tears me up inside.

This has changed my life in so many ways. I just hope we find a reason why. I hope nobody else has to go through it.

This is the second time, no I did not believe this was taking place again. 10 years ago I lost a son Kenna Diarra Coleman. I was young - just 22 years old. I was 29 weeks along and the doctors said "Cord Accident."

Just a few weeks ago my husband and I lost our first daughter, Sydney. I was 33 weeks along. I did not feel any movement all day. I called my doctor and went to the hospital. The nurse said those words again - I am sorry I do not see any movement.

This time everything about her was perfect - no cord problems nothing. All of the tests came back fine.

I have to live with it that God needed her more than we did for what ever his reason may be - it is not for us to question. My husband, my two boys, ages 8 and 3, and myself - are living just living it seems.

My younger sister and I had the same due date. She will be having a baby boy sometime between now and July 28. The hardest day I had was when she had her baby shower, I was not able to go - not for selfish reasons - I love her and will love her baby, but it is just so hard to see all of the baby stuff....

Sydney Rae Walker
06/08/2005
Stillborn
Raynell
7/16/05

For just a season God allowed us to hold a perfect angel. Our daughter's name was Rhema. She was stillborn.

Sometimes I feel guilty for grieving because we do have 3 children. But nevertheless, it's hard.

My pregnancy was uncomfortable in the first trimester because I had been diagnoised with a hyper thyroid. After going on medication my thyroid levels were well under control.

By the sixth month my specialist was concerned about the amount of fluid around the baby. I had to go every week for an ultrasound to make sure the baby was doing well, and to check the amount of fluid around her. At every visit it seemed things were fine, but the fluid was increasing. My doctors never seemed too concerned, and even said that most times this type of problem will correct itself.

My last visit to the specialist was 7/22/05. That morning my husband served me breakfast in bed and kissed my belly as he often did. He asked me how Rhema was doing and I told him she kicked all night! Rhema was very active at night. I got dressed and drove to my doctors office. When I got there everything felt normal, no pain or unusual feelings. I was called back to have the ultrasound done. As I prepared, the nurse and I talked, I had come to know most of the staff.

It's funny how in just a moment your life can be changed forever. The nurse gelled my belly and started by finding the babies head. When I looked at the screen, I could tell somthing was wrong. Every mother looks for that tell tale sign during an ultra-sound. The heartbeat! I didn't see it. The nurse got real quiet. I asked her why I could not see my babies heartbeat. She had tears in her eyes. She told me that she had to get the doctor.

When she left the room, I already knew. It's like someone stuck a dagger in my heart. I couldn't breath. I wanted to scream, but there was no sound.

When the doctor came in he continued the ultra-sound to confirm what I already knew. "I'm so sorry Mrs. Harris, but it seems the cord has wrapped around the babies neck two times, I'm so sorry". "Is there anyone you would like for us to call?"

Yes, I'm thinking, call another doctor in here with more experience to tell me that both of you are wrong. That you didn't search hard enough for that heartbeat, and there it is, the baby is fine!!

I know I was in shock because after that I got on the elevator, went down to the parking lot, got in my car, and drove home. When I went into my house I collapsed into my mother's waiting arms.

The next day they induced me. My whole family was there for support. My husband and I held Rhema, we touched her, kissed her, and smelled her. She was perfect, our little angel.

We are grieving. Most times I just feel numb, other times I just cry. I don't know if I will ever smile again and really mean it.

I don't even have words to try and express what I'm feeling or going throughw at this moment in my life. The only thing I know is this unbearable ache I have and this heavy overwhelming feeling of lost and I'm so alone.

My daugther was stillborn 11 days ago and I'm broken I can't seem to except this. I have an incredible ache inside me that is so strong. A feeling of need to hold her to be with her. I can't understand any of this. I don't have any idea how to even begin dealing with my babes passing I have so many questions and my mind is so confused.

I don't have much support here at home. Everyone thinks I should just go on with life. How when my biggest wish in life has been denied my little girl.

They can't tell me why it happened. She was stillborn at 35 weeks. All I remember was the doctor telling me there is no heart beat. I will never have her in my arms or know her smile or ease her pain. Why please - I want my little girl back.

Anastasia, please read what I have written about the grieving process online. Others usually don't understand (though more do today then used to because of lots of inservices). Please do not think that you are unusual for your feelings...what you share is normal for when our baby has died. Please consider emailing some of the other parents on our site...sharing is healing.

Second entry: 2/16/2006

Dearest Marcia, I would like to thank you for your support and the groups, if it wasn't for you I don't think I would have been this stable. It has been the worst pain and heart ache you could ever have and it doesn't seem to ever go. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride at most as one second you are ok to sort of manage your day the next you can't seem to function at all.

I do believe I have for the first time since her death started to except my daughters passing and it is the worst ache and pain you could ever imagine. It hurts and my heart aches for her. I so wish I could have heard her cry only once but, that is a privilege I will never have.

I've been so over emotional this week I'm starting to irritate myself at times, does it ever get better? Oh this is my new email address, Best regards Anastasia

Marcia's thoughts:

Your words touch my heart and it means much to me that you took time to email me your thoughts. Your words of support for SHARE Atlanta (SA) give me support to know that we need to keep SA ongoing.

I know your pain is real, and it is not easy to move through our grief. On our forum different ones of us are sharing and brainstorming the very feelings you describe. We all struggle through our grief and hope for the "light at the end of the tunnel." It comes in stages and waves, but it does come. As I told the group, I don't believe I could continue in what I do with the group if I didn't believe hope returns and healing happens. I have seen it in myself and in those who join us.

Please give yourself a gentle hug from me...and know that my thoughts are with you as you move along your path. Please visit our forum for more support.

Third entry: 2/20/2006

Marcia: I thank you for your kindness towards me and helping me through my most difficult time ever. I at times wonder if it's ever going to get better and if I would ever truly smile again. I have never really been able to express how I feel and it makes it worse I think.

Your site has been my only comfort and support as nobody around me even thinks of her anymore.

I must confess the fact that everybody was so busy trying to control everything about this when it happened and now 2 months later nobody even thinks I have a right to still be like this. I get told to get over it or when I'm upset with something else it automatically comes up and makes it worse then I get told to not use it as an escape. I cant seem to make it clear that it's not like that it's just there all the time.

I also suffer from severe panic attacks, I started getting them last year when dating her father as he isn't a very nice man either. I got better but since her death I seem to get them in worse way possible. At the moment of the attack believe I'm going to die and my legs loose all feeling my muscles loose all control and I feel like really hurting myself. Do you have any advice on this and what seems to be happening when I get them?

Marcia's thoughts

"I must confess the fact that everybody was so busy trying to control everything about this when it happened and now 2 months later nobody even thinks I have a right to still be like this." This is a very perceptive statement. It is the very reason that our group and many other groups like as continue to encourage awareness and advocacy for the Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Community. Few understand how long reaching or how intense our pain and needs are. We have to work to heal and to eventually help others to embrace the grieving process and help to work toward finding supportive intervention and prevention for our issues.

Please have a doctor check you physically for your attacks to make sure there is nothing wrong physically. Having these type of "health issues" is often a part of the grieving process. Understanding this fact and finding coping mechanisms to reduce your stress is important. Working to heal is hard work, but important to do. It takes longer to heal than the average person wishes to admit. Six months to a year and sometimes longer...though at different levels of grief...not the intensity of the first months is normal. We are in a world that wishes to rush us through. We need to be "kind" to ourselves and find ways to cope. Coming to our forum and sharing with others who are experiencing similar feelings often helps. Also, visit this page for ideas on coping...I am thinking about you...