Poems and Letters

The day we lost our little boy, Brad Christopher.

I had what appeared to be a completely normal pregnancy. I was due on 4/18/97 and went into labor on 4/21. When my husband and I got to the hospital they realized that I had a fever (101-102). They didn't think that it was really a problem. I was pumped full of antibiotics and my labor continued normally. As soon as little Brad was born, my husband cut the cord and the baby was whisked away from us (I had never gotten to see him). The next thing I knew the room was filling with respiratory therapists, the house doctor, the nursing supervisor (you get the picture). They took our baby out of the room to the nursery to work on him. I obviously knew that something was wrong. At first nobody told us anything and I told my husaband that something was wrong but he kept trying to reassure me that everything was fine.

The doctor came in and said that little Brad wasn't breathing and that it didn't look good. He lived for just over an hour. When I finally got to hold my 8lb,7oz little boy he was already gone. I never got to see him alive. Everyone was in shock. My mom and mother-in-law had been with us the whole time. Little Brad was perfect. He looked just my husband. At first they didn't know what had happened but after doing all kinds of tests, they said that it was a staph infection (MRSA) and that I also had the same infection but it wasn't as bad. My doctor informed us that this particular infection has never been seen in pregnancy. The staff was wonderful. Since I work at that hospital I'm pretty sure that's where I got the germs to begin with.

I am actually pregnant now and due the beginning of April. I can't explain it but I had to try to have another baby right away. I know that I could never replace little Brad but I just need to have another baby. It's like I'm missing something. I miss our baby so much and I know my husband feels it in ways that he won't let me see. I have faith that everything will go okay this time. Thank you.

Having had growth problems with my first daughter I was at first a little worried, but then all was well with this one...

I got to 29 weeks and went for a routine ultrasound where I found out that not only was I not going home, but that I was being transferred to have a cesearean. I was transferred as planned. The next morning I had an ultrasound by a specialist and was told my baby would be delivered today and that she would weigh 600 grams...

I have never been so frightened in my whole life. They showed my husband and I to the intensive care and showed us a little baby weighing 600 gms, and I was so not prepared for that such a small baby... At 3 in the afternoon my little Illahna was delivered weighing 709 grams. All was good, she had a big cry and looked to be good for her size.

That was so until day 3. She contracted an infection and from there everything went from bad to worse. Day 5 came, and we were told her kidneys were not functioning and a kidney specialist did dialysis on her which, because of her size, was unsuccessful. We were then given the bad news that she would not survive unless something drastic happened. The doctors then spoke to us and said they would give her ten hours and, if nothing changed, they suggest we cease treatment.

The end of our ten hours came and life support was turned off... she died peacefully in my arms, and that I am thankful for. She was cremated. We got her a beautiful garden all of her own at a crematorium which we fill with plants and little figurines and all sorts of things. This is my place to go to show her my love....

I love and miss her terribly and think of her everyday.... But I am so very thankful that I got to meet her. I have this feeling of overwhelming love for her...that I would never have wanted to miss...

I felt so alone and thank God, I found you early on. Your(Marcia: this is National SHARE) newsletter has served as much needed therepy for me. I made a lot of friends through the parent connection and they have helped me to heal and to grow over the last 2 years. I am now able to help other people, I help co-lead our local support group sponsered by our local hospital. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to help someone else now!

Entry #2: Thank you for your note. Your Website is wonderful. I have gone to it a few times before but have never written anything. It has so much information! I had tried to find something on Group B Strep but couldn't find anything. Where do you look? I have never been able to find anyone else who has had a baby die of Group B Strep, although I know that there are many people out there. Too many.

I had already had 2 healthy boys when I was pregnant with Noah. I had tested negative for it 4 times during my pregnancy, because I am high risk for pre~term labor. All 4 of my boys have been born at 36 weeks. Any ways, I was not at risk for it, or so we thought. Noah had began having trouble breathing as soon as he was born, we thought it was because he was a little early, we weren't to concerned at that time. Until the next day the doctor came in and told us that Noah had Group B Strep. I wasn't to worried, it was an infection, they would give him IV antibiotics and we would be able to take him home in a couple weeks. I had no idea that it could be fatal!!! And the neonatologist didn't tell me that it could be. I wish he had let me know what we were facing. Noah went down hill very quickly and as we prepared to transfer him to Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis he went into cardiac arrest in the elevator. My precious baby was gone.

I was so lost. I never felt more hopeless and alone in my whole life. I wanted to die. I knew that I had to keep going for Joshua and Jacob but I almost lost my will to live. Part of me died with Noah that day. I will never be the same person I was before he entered my life.

I tried to get pregnant again right away, I have a hard time getting pregnant. When I got pregnant 2 months later I thought that everything would be alright now. It had to be "meant to be" I have never gotten pregnant quickly before. Until at 6 weeks I miscarried that baby.

I continued to try to get pregnant. In the mean time I had found the "Share" newsletter which gave me hope and allowed me to meet many "Pen Parents", many of which I am still friends with today. I also sought out a support group and I made many friends there, I knew that I could not handle this alone.

I then had been able to talk my doctor into putting me on Clomid. After 2 cycles of it I was pregnant! I was so happy yet I had never been so terrified in all of my life. What if it happened again? In the mean time, I had met another mom, Colleen O'Gara from the "Pen Parents", she was pregnant again to. She was about 2 weeks ahead of me. We stayed in close contact and shared our sorrows over the loss of our son's, who died just 3 months apart, and the joys of being pregnant again along with the many fears!!! And you will not believe this! We both gave birth to our "Rainbow Babies" on October 21, 1997! Colleen had called me from the hospital and left a message on my machine, because I was also in the hospital, my husband played it for me that night when he got home. We have become very good friends now sharing Jordan and McKayla's lives but never do we forget Noah and Kyle who brought us together.

And I now help to Co-lead the support group that gave me so much hope in the beginning. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to give back and to help other people. I volunteer at the hospital where I had Noah, I do mailings to new families and I make visits to newly bereaved families when they are in the hospital. And I thank Noah for the strength to be able to do all of these wonderful things. He has done so many wonderful things in his 2 short days on this earth!

If I could would I go back and not have Noah, knowing the outcome would I do it? I can tell you without a doubt in my heart, NO! For through all the hurt and tears he has been such a gift and I know that one day we will share eternity in Heaven.

You can print what I have written here or I can write something else for the Website. I didn't mean to go on and on like that, it just sort of started flowing. And with Christmas nearing my heart always gets a little heavy. I want to thank you for asking me to write something, what an honor! And yes please print my e~mail address, I would love to hear from other parents.

Yes, I do receive the Share newsletter, and it is so wonderful. I always look so forward to getting it! I am sure that it helps more people than you can imagine. I never knew that helping other people could be so healing.