SHARE Atlanta

E-Mail Entries for 2003 and 05

"My Grandson, Christian Joseph Walker" by Sandra" 1/12/03 sent to SHARE Atlanta 12/20/02 and 1/22/03

"THE BIRTH AND DEATH OF MY GRANDSON CONNOR" by Genene 3/5/04

"My grand-daugher ~ Laura Nicole Trahan ~ 9/15/04" by Carolyn (10/11/04) GA

"BROKEN HEARTS....." by Sharon (5/6/05)

"To Grandmothers... " by Brenda (2/28/06)

Shelly my daughter is 21 yrs. old. When this happend to her an innocence was lost forever. For me there is so much hope for the new baby. I really think she is afraid to let go, to become too attached. Sandra
Christian Joseph Walker
2/14/02
Stillborn
Donalsonville, Georgia
1/2/03/ sent 12/20/02
E-mail

Marcia's Comments: Your concern and love for your daughter has been shared many times in our group. It is hard to see our children suffer. You suffer the loss of your grandbaby and feel the pain that your own child is going through. Mothers are suppose to fix situations and hard times for their children, and you can't do that for Shelly. You can do what you are doing - try to understand her pain (yes her innocence is gone and her fear is real) and learn all you can about her situation.

Her reactions sound very normal and it is very special that you do see this for her. If you look at our "Subsequent Pregnancy Menu" you will see that this is very hard for our mothers. Those nine months of the next pregnancy are very difficult. Moms handle them in many different ways. Some do not bond with their subsequent child until after the baby's birth. But, the love is there and it most often happens.

Your anger and confusion at the moms in the hospital is also normal. We often talk about how our losses bring a deeper understanding of the very specialness of our children. Prayers and our faith, I believe, are what helps us survive these times.

Entry #2

We found out yesterday that Shelly is expecting another boy.Your letter helped me alot. I don't really have anyone to talk with about Christian, and it helps me to talk. God has given me peace about him but of course I still long to hold him our arms ache for him. We know that one day we will be together.

At first words don't help thoughts don't help nothing really helps during those first days. I think that the pain is just so intense. There were so many loving arms wrapped around us during those first weeks just being there was the greatest strength.

The Lord also showed me that I had 3 other grandchildren who needed me, Christian was ok and didn't need us like they did.

You see down here we need each other, we are supposed to take care of the little ones.

Well sometimes I just go on and on. I read your story I guess we all have our own cross to bear. We are all here together we should care for one another.

Have you heard a song written by Steven Curtis Chapman called With Hope and Be Still and Know I highly recomend his music. You take care now and thanks for everything. Love Sandra

Marcia's comments: I so appreciate your insightful letter. You care so much for those grandchildren of yours...how proud you are. God wants us to be with our living loved ones, he wants us to care for our families. I agree about outreach, too. We each have to grow from within from our losses and from those celebrations in our lives, but I believe the grand plan is for us to support one another as we work so hard to make things happen in our own lives.

Yes, Christian "doesn't need" you, but I think you might feel as I do, he rejoices that you are here for your other grandchildren, that you care about others and that you look forwards to being with him one day. OUr arms ache for the one that is not there...so true, so true. But, I believe we hold each one in our hearts, always.

I am so glad you had the support of others during the time after your loss. Just having them there is what counts. You are right, no words or thoughts can help, too much. Knowing you are not alone is very important.

I wish that I had more grandparent "input" on this site. I know the need is there...but maybe someone will email you. Grandparents hurt for their grandbaby and their child. There pain is two fold. My prayers are with you.

Return to list of Letters and Poems

E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: I am a week or so late in getting this beautiful story on the site, but it touches me greatly. I read this just before I went and did an inservice for 25 Stephen Ministery people (lay people who help people cope in a crisis). Your story was in my heart as I did my power point presentation and panel on "how to help the family after a pregnancy loss." We had a minister and his wife attend as well...all wonderful people.

Your story supports how we feel about how important it is to 'parent" our baby and then to remember the traditional meaningful practices that make our baby real and special...the funeral/memorial service is most important. Your love for Connor is so present and what a gift that you have given your daughter and son. Your own healing is helped by the special things you have done.

Hopefully, your openness and love will help other grandparents to know that it is normal to want to love and parent our grandchildren...no manner how long they will be in our presence. We then hold them in our hearts forever. Thank you, Genene, for sharing your story. Our thoughts will be with you all as your daughter moves through this pregnancy.

Entry #2: After we lit a candle for Connor...

Dear Marcia,
Thank you so much for your kind words . They meant much. Thank you for posting my story. I hope that it does help someone. Thank you for lighting the candle for me. I appreciate it much. I have a candle in my bedroom, one of those kind that lights when it darks and goes off if it is light. It is so nice at night when I go to bed and that light is burning. It makes me always think of dear sweet Connor. He is forever in my heart.

Marcia's thoughts: I have never heard of the type of light that you are describing. I can imagine that others would like to have something like that. If you don't mind my asking, where did you get it?

You are very welcome. We mutually help each other all along the way and that helps each of us heal. I would love to have more grandparents share their stories and thoughts on our site. I just don't know how to get their attention. I know it helps to write and to email each other.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. It helps me know what to continue to do when I have people tell me how we/I can help.

Return to list of Letters and Poems

4/61"The Loss of My Daughter---The Birth of an Angel" by Katie (10/10/04) Making Your Child's Presence Meaningful.

E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: Your thoughts about your daughter and your grand - daughter are very dear. My mother shared how hard it was to see her grandchildren die and her daughter and son-in-law suffer their loss when she too was grieving. Through the years here at SHARE Atlanta many grandmothers have joined their daughters at our groups. I started this part of the site in response to grandparent email and comments.

Grandparents grieve, too...for their child's grief and pain and for the death of their grandchild and "what would have been." Please consider taking time to read more of the site and of this section on Grandparent Grief. Join us at our forum. Thank you for your thoughts...I wish that more grandparents would share their thoughts because it helps our parents as well...they begin to understand what their own parents might be feeling.

Return to list of Letters and Poems

Memorial Candle for Alaina

E-mail

Marcia's thoughts: Grandparents have several levels of grief - the loss of their grandbaby, the pain seeing their own child/ren in grief, and the loss of innocence and hope in the loss of their grandbaby. That is why we have a section for grandparents...your grief is real and needs a safe haven to be expressed. How kind it was that your daughter pointed you in this direction.

We never really understand the whys of our loss, but we try to give ourselves permission to grieve in order to heal and hopefully make our little one's presence in our lives meaningful in some way. We offer support with coping ideas and outreach options. As we do special things in memory of our baby healing gradually happens.

Understanding the grief process (more than 2 weeks, please...we put untold stress on ourselves when we limit the time - see Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal Menu) and doing special things (like writing, sharing our story, lighting memorial candles, etc) gives us a place to put our grief and allows us to know that we will never forget these special children. Counseling and/or groups or forums - or contact with others who have had a similar experience is often helpful for the parents and family. Dads and moms grieve differently and that is normal and healthy. (see Father's Grief Menu for more thoughts on this.)

Holding our baby is very dear and a memory that we all hold forever as well. You have done so much for your daughter and her husband and for yourself...it is in the "parenting and grandparenting" (holding and loving them as we would any other baby) of these babies that healing begins. The bond of support and care is there already...continue this and allow the process to "be" and you will slowly heal. I feel that grief is "doable" - hard, very hard, but doable with guidance, love and support. Know that my thoughts are with you.

Return to list of Letters and Poems

E-mail

Marcia's note:

I am so very sorry about the loss of your grandson, Kenny. I am also sorry that Tamera had to re-admitted to the hospital. Unfortunately, many of our moms have medical issues after the death of their baby. We hope for good medical support, as well as emotional support, at this time. I hope she is safely home by now.

Let me share a little about SHARE Atlanta. Everyone in our group has experienced a loss and worked through our grief with support from one another. We volunteer in honor of and in memory of our baby. We also volunteer to return the *support* that we felt from others as we moved through our own grief.

Many of your concerns and feelings are what we each have thought and/or shared. Though each person's grief is *unique* because when it is happening "to" us - it is ours and very personal, we learn in our groups that the grief "process" has some universal "givens." Our group recognizes these realities of grief. Within our group, we help each other "move through the time span of grief." The time span, itself, varies for each couple/family/individual. I believe it is a positive sign when a family reaches out for support - at any point - but the sooner they do, the more blessed they could be.

We are here for you and your daughter and son-in-law as you/they wish for us to be. We will offer "tools" for healing, and a support group from those who know these feelings because we each have "been there."

Your outreach/concern for your daughter is a true and meaningful way to "help" both her and you. Your grandson has died. Your grief both for him and for your daughter and son-in -laws' deep pain and loss is very real. You grieve, also, for yourself and the pain you feel around the death of your grandson. All of this comes at a time when this is totally not what you expected or even thought about -so your confusion and fear are high. It is also "out of order"...our babies and grandbabies are not suppose to die. At SA, we do understand this intense grief. This grief is "doable," but it takes *work*. We offer support to help families through this time.

Please consider reading some of the materials that are on our site under "First Visitor Page"...about Grief. I pulled this section together based on our group and our website. We also have a Grandparent section on our website. It has not had a great deal of activity lately because many of the grandparents are local and see each other. But, there are some positive articles, links, and notes.

If you would like, I could give you the email address of some of our local grandmothers who have participated in our group. I know that each has felt similar feelings as you, because they have shared very similar feelings with me around their daughters.

I think it is very important to realize the importance of extended family support for grieving couples and different members within the family. The death of our baby touches a couples' entire family, their friends and co-workers. We actually will be discussing this in our meeting in March.

Of course, parents/grandparents love their adult children intensely. As my mother says, "We never stop being "mom." (I believe a good thing!) As best as they can, they must believe and trust that their grown children will be capable to work through this grief. They can. I have seen it over and over again. And, the most comforting *gift* parents/grandparents can give their adult children is their unconditional love and trust in their ability to survive this tragedy. When the baby's parents know that they are not being rushed and that they are loved "as they are" in the moment of time, then they can do the hard work of healing.

Just knowing how much you care is important to them. Giving them (and you, too) space to move through the process...will be part of the *love* that is gained from these special babies and given back to each other.

Your daughter has contacted us, and I hope that she will join us as she can, and that we can help both she and her husband. That is what we have been doing for 21 years, and we hope to continue to offer "hope."

Return to list of Letters and Poems