Mary helps us realize how well we know our baby during pregnancy and how special every child is.

I had the perfect pregnancy. Danielle was to be my 5th child. I was in my 38th week and felt great. Her heart rate was normal. My last ultrasound was good. It was smooth sailing from here.

On the night of August 8th, my daughter's 12th birthday, Danielle started her vigorous movement. I had nicknamed her "Cha-cha" because when she moved it felt as if she was dancing.

The movement that night felt strange, but I tried to ignore the strangeness of it. I remember laughing with my daughter as we played "name that part". Little did we know that she was probably struggling for her life. I didn't feel good that night, having some chills and sharp pain in my vaginal area. I was hoping that maybe this was the onset of labor.

The next day I felt fine but was so busy that I don't think I really noticed that she wasn't moving. By Sunday night I knew something was terribly wrong when I couldn't get her to move after trying several different things. It was late and I didn't tell my husband until the morning.

We called the doctor and he sent us to the hospital. When the nurse placed the monitor on me and found a heartbeat I was so relieved, but still had a feeling of doom.

They sent us for an ultrasound and the tech told us not to be alarmed as it would take at least 30 minutes. After 10 minutes she called in the radiologist and then sent us back to the labor floor. We knew our baby was dead right then and there.

When the doctor came in to confirm it we were already in tears. The heartbeat on the monitor was my own rapid heart. All we could say was "why?" The doctor suspected a "cord accident".

They induced my labor and 26 hours later, after a very painful labor I delivered a perfect 9lb9oz baby girl. The doctor found a "true knot" in the cord. As devastated as we were we were relieved to know that we couldn't blame ourselves for what happened.

We held Danielle, said our hello's and goodbye's and did lots of crying. We had a service for her with both a priest and rabbi and though I was angry at God at the time, there presence was a comfort.

It has only been 3 weeks since her death and I cry every day. I know that the sun will shine again for us someday.

I take consolation in knowing that I am surrounded by a loving husband, children, and friends. My heart will always ache for the beautiful daughter that I have lost.

Yes, I have 5 children. Four living and 1 stillborn. I will always love you my precious Danielle Rebecca.

My husband and I lost our daughter five weeks ago. She had a knot in her umbilical cord.

The day before my due date she pulled the knot tight and cut off her blood supply, killing her instantly. I had never heard of this before and wondered if there is anyone out there who has experienced a loss like ours.

I found out 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant again. Although I wanted to have another child, I am a little concerned and scared about being pregnant again.

I just lost my Precious son Brandon only 4 months ago. I was in my 9th month, with only 3 weeks to go when I found out. I will always remember the day I was told that my baby was gone, for the rest of my life!

The last time I felt him move was the 17th. I had gotten up that morning to see my husband off to work, and had gone back to bed as usual. I laid in the bed for a few minutes waiting to feel the baby move, and I felt him do a roll of sorts. That is the only way I can explain how it felt, like he rolled. I thought to myself that everything was ok, and went on to sleep.

I got out of bed a little bit later when my daughter came in to wake me up and went about my day as usual. Later on I laid my daughter down for a nap, and laid down on the couch to rest. I had laid there for about an hour when the baby still hadn't moved. I really didn't think that much of it at first because I know that when a woman gets to the end of her pregnancy, the baby doesn't move as much.

When my husband came home, I told him that I hadn't felt the baby move much that day, and he sugested calling my Dr. I wasn't hurting so I told him I would wait til morning.( I had a Dr appointment early in the morning and figured everything would be ok til then.)

I went to my appointment, and they asked me the usual questions, one of them being had I been feeling the baby move? I told the nurse I hadn't felt the baby move since yesterday morning. They went ahead and hooked me to a fetal monitor, and that is when I first got nervous. They couldn't find the heartbeat!

My Dr ordered an ultra sound done, and that is when I saw for the first time that my son's heart wasn't moving. I felt as if the world had crashed down around me.

The Dr put me in the hospital that night(the 18th), and I finally gave birth to my son on the 22nd. (We later found out that the cord had gotten around his neck.)

I was scared to see him when he was born. I didn't know how he would look. When they brought my baby to me after cleaning him up, I thought that I was looking at an angel. He was perfect in everyway! He had jet black hair and rosey red lips! I kissed him and held him for along time until the nurse finally came for him. I didn't want to let him go!!

We layed him to rest the next day.(Dec.23rd...it happened to be my Dad's birthday.)

I still think of my son often. I know that he is being well taken care of, and that he is watching us from above.

I am very happy to be pregnant again, but as I said, I'm scared too. The Dr has told me that the chance of this happening again are slim to none, but after going thru something like this, I can't be sure until I hold this baby in my arms.

Thank you for letting me share my story with you. I hope that it can help some one out there to realize that they are not alone. There are people out there that know how they feel.

In January 1997, my husband and I were thrilled to get a positive result on our pregnancy test. We were pregnant with our first child.

The pregnancy went well with the exception of our 20 week ultrasound. We were thrilled to hear we were having a girl, but they found a choroid plexus cyst on one side of her brain. We were told they usually desolve, and they in themself cause no harm, it's only spinal fluid which has collected and formed a cyst. The Dr.s concerns were that most babies who die from Trisomy 18 tend to have these cysts. So as a precaution we did a level 3 ultrasound to check for anything that tends to go along w/Trisomy 18.

Thankfully at 28 weeks we had a follow-up ultrasound and the cyst had dissolved.

From this point on all went well, just the normal discomforts of pregnancy. Oct. 1, 1997 was my due date. On Sept. 22, 1997 I went in for my 39 week visit, all was well, but no dialating or effacing yet. Abbey was very active that day, even as the Dr. measured my belly we laughed because you could see her moving. It never crossed my mind that too much movement could mean something.

The next day I don't remember if I was feeling Abbey move, but I do remember having braxton hicks contractions. On Wednesday I got to work and knew I hadn't felt her for a while, so drank a pop to wake her up. I was waitressing and busy all day, so on the way home I got some apple juice. I layed down and she wasn't waking up, I called my huband, but he works nights, so we decided to wait til morning to go to the Dr.'s because Abbey was usually active only at night.

So we went in to hear her heartbeat and there was none. The Dr. did an ultrasound and said "honey I'm sorry there's no heartbeat". I'll never forget her voice as she told us Abbey had died.

From there we went to the hospital and were induced. After a long three days on Sat.Sept 27,1997 at 7:11am Abbey was silently born. She weighed 8lbs 5 1/2 oz. & was 21 1/2 inches long.

When she was born we found the cause of her death, there was a true knot in her umbilical cord. We were told this happens early in pregnancy,when babies are small. She got into a knot,but as she dropped to prepare for birth, the knot was pulled tight and cut off her oxygen.

It's been a tough road for almost a year now. But I've attended the Share group in our area, and also written to many woman thru the parent connection from the SHARE newsletter.

Talking & writing & letting family & friends know how I'm feeling and how I encourage them to talk about Abbey has helped me thru this terrable experience. I don't like what's happened but I know I must keep faith that God knows best and has reasons we can't understand now for Abbey not being here.

I am pregnant with our second baby girl, and I have to be grateful for being blessed with her, because in my eyes she is the only good & positive to come out of Abbey's death. I truly believe that Abbey gave up her life here on earth with us because she knew God had other plans and that her baby sister is the one to be here with us to experience all those first baby moments with. And for that I thank my precious Abbey.

I'm 36 weeks along as I write, and we will induce in two weeks on Sept.23,1998. Alls good so far, I've already began to dialate 1/2 cm and effaced 50%. Not much, but for my body,and compared to my pregnancy with Abbey, we were 39 weeks and still nothing.

Say a prayer for us, Please. I wish peace & comfort to all who've also lost a child.

And remember we're all different,and how we progress thru our grief is our own, and we must deal with it how we're most comfortable. Please don't try and avoid it. It won't go away. You must go thru the stages of grief and come to a comfort zone, so you and your family can go on with the rest of your lives. We can't let the loss of our babies make us mean, bitter people. They wouldn't want that & we shouldn't either.

After trying for a year and a half to get pregnant, my dh and I finally decided to give up and let God take over. Well, three months after we turned it over to Him, I got pregnant. We conceived on Christmas of 1997. What a wonderful gift from the Lord!!

Other than being diabetic, my pregnancy progressed well with no complications.

Around the 32nd week, we noticed that the baby was in a frank breech presentation (the most difficult to try and turn). He never did turn on his own so we were planning a c-section for August 28, 1998, my 38th week of pregnancy.

On Wednesday, August 12, I attended my usual weekly office visit. I had a NST and even an u/s to see how he was doing. He was still breech but the dr. said everything looked beautiful.

On Friday, August 14, I got my husband off to work and noticed a burning pain as well as a tight feeling in my belly. I chalked it up as overworked so I laid back down. When I woke up the burning was gone but the tight feeling was still there. I also had tried everything I knew to get him to move and he wouldn't so that bothered me.

The dr. had me to come to the hospital to get monitored. Upon arriving, two nurses could not find the heartbeat with the doppler. The u/s was brought in and the look on the doctor's face said it all.

He told me that he was sorry but he could not find the baby's heartbeat. Every hope and dream we had for that baby died at that moment.

My labor was induced and after 36 hours I had only progressed to 7 cm. A section was done on August 16, 1998.

Our beautiful baby boy, Joseph Daniel Hill was born asleep. He was 9pounds, 3 ounces, and 20 inches long. I was only in my 36th week! They diagnosed him with a two vessel cord that could have played a role in his death. The dr is convinced that Joey pinched his cord off at some point causing his death.

My husband and I are slowly putting the pieces of our broken lives back together. I have already started trying to conceive again and I can already tell that it's getting obsessive like it was last year. I have a wonderful doctor who takes excellent care of me and I know my next pregnancy will have a positive end result.

If it wasn't for the wonderful friends I have made on the net, I'd probably be in a rubber room somewhere in a straight jacket. I have found great comfort here, sharing my story and telling it to whoever will listen. Thank you for being here....

Hope Dennington Cady was stillborn January 10, 1999. I was 32 weeks along and at my routine dr.'s appointment when I found out that she had died.

I had several complications throughout my pregnancy, but in the end, it was a cord accident that took her life, along with all of our hopes and dreams. We feel as though a cruel joke has been played on us! She was and will always be our first child.

We named her Hope because we had hoped so much for her, and because she has given us hope for the future. Though, it is hard to feel any hope for anything right now.

She was so beautiful, so perfectly formed. We never knew we could love the way we love her.

We miss her so much!!! I don't know how we can go on without her, but somehow we will. Maybe just knowing that we will see her in Heaven will get us through this life. In the meantime, we just put one foot in front of the other. That's about it. Oh, God, please help us!

Two books that have meant alot are, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," and "Mommy, Please Don't Cry." (I can't remember the authors' names, but can provide them if anyone is interested.) "Mommy, Please Don't Cry" is an illustrated book that every mommy who has lost should have! To anyone who reads this because you, too, have lost your precious one(s), my heart breaks with you. Our "Hope" is in Heaven! Amy

Unlike most of the stories that I have read here, I was devasted to find out that I was pregnant again. My daughter Zoe was only 17 months old and I was not certain that I had the energy to care for a very active 26 month old and a newborn. However, my husband and I soon began to accept the pregnancy and eventually started to look forward to a new person in our family.

It is important to note that my husband had a little boy from his first marriage. Eleven months into our marriage my step-son Aaron (only six years old at the time) developed cancer and after 15 grueling months of surgeries and treatments he died.

Because of this experience we waited quite a while to have a child together (our daughter Zoe). Aaron's loss also made it clear that my second pregnancy was to be cherished and that our newest child was indeed blessing.

The pregnancy was similar to my first-lots of morning sickness, but a huge weight gain (horrible edema in my hands,legs, and feet with no increase in blood pressure). My AFP came back positive, but the amnio indicated a healthy girl.

She was extremely active and towards the end of my pregnancy she did not drop. The last month seemed very long since I had a great deal of pain in my hips and in my back.

At 39 weeks the doctor also indicated that I had a great deal of amniotic fluid (it was diagnosed as hydramnios when they broke my water).

Her due date was on Tuesday, October 27, 1998. I went in for a checkup on the 26th, and the doctor could not find a heartbeat. Two ultrasounds indicated that the baby had died.

The doctor asked me when I had last felt the baby move and I know that I hadn't really felt her move on Sunday; however, I was so busy running around with my mother (who had just flown in to help me out when the baby came) that I didn't pay that much attention-just assuming that everything was fine- our family had already lost a child-how could a tragedy like that happen agaain?

Like most other women in this position, I was induced that night and delivered her at 4:39 p.m. the next day.

Just like all mothers who see their child for the first time, I thought she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. We named her Lily Simone. She was 9 lbs, 6 oz, and she was 23 inches long!! She looked a lot like her sister, but had olive skin and dark hair like her father.

The cord was wrapped tightly around her neck two times- I still continue to worry whether or not she experienced pain or fear. Although she did not yet breathe through her mouth, I can only imagine how painful it is to have something squeezing a part of your body.

My doctors and the nurses were wonderful. My husband and I could not have asked for better care. I even feel blessed to work where I do. It was comforting to know that I was returning back to place where the same thing had happened to three other people!

Time has helped a little bit in that I do have times when I feel fairly strong. However, the hard times are still unbelievably painful- sometimes to the point when I think I won't be able to stand it any longer.

Although I am mostly around supportive people, I have still received many comments that have been very hurtful (i.e.- "If I get pregnant, I'll have the doctor induce labor a week early so that doesn't happen to me." "I've never heard of anyone losing a baby that late in a pregnancy before.") Maybe as time goes on I will learn to let go of these statements.

My guilt about not being happy early in my pregnancy continues to weigh on me-intellectually I know that my ambivalence did not kill my child, but emotionally I continue to think about it.

Living in a city as large as Los Angeles, you would think that regular support groups would be available, but I have been unsuccessful at finding one.

I tried one for three weeks-during two of the weeks I was the only one who showed up. I was to attend another one today, but I was the only person who RSVP'ed so the meeting was canceled.

The internet has been most helpful. Thank you, Emily

Update. I coming up on the first anniversary of Lily's stillbirth and am surprised at how painful it is. As time passed throughout the year, I noticed that I did feel better. However, October has been awful. Tears everyday!

I am pregnant again but extremely nervous. There is a complication this time which compounds the stress tremendously.

Thank you to the people who have read my story and have e-mailed me. I must say though that I was not able to return my most recent message (dated October 23, 1999) because it continued to say that the address was unknown. Please e-mail me again as I do want to support you with your recent loss.

....Marcia and friends for creating this site and keeping it up so that people like me can benefit from it's healing attributes.

....everyone that has shared the stories of their own sons and daughters. Like you I had two early miscarriages (6 & 14 weeks) before my son Kieran was born on the 11\11\97. Last Tuesday, 8th of June 1999, my daughter Saskia was stillborn, the cord was wrapped tightly around her neck twice.

We are currently living in Australia and so after feeling no movement and confirming that our pecious baby had died, we jumped on a plane to New Zealand to deliver our baby at home with our family.

We found out on Friday afternoon flew home on Saturday morning and gave birth at 6:03am on Tuesday. She was buried on Friday. A journey of a week has left me feeling as old as the hills, but at the same time as vulnerable as my little girl.

I now need to get back to my house in Australia so that time will stop standing still, and I can start a happier journey to a healthy baby for our family. I have a long story that I would like to share but now I am tired.

I would love to E-mail or write to anyone, near or far, just to share experiences and make some new friends. I am also interested to know about others physical experiences after stillbirth eg when will my breasts settle down ? Do I really need to wait before I get pregnant again, how long ?

I'll write more once I get back to Australia once again thank-you, one and all.

I't's been a tough day!!!! Here is Saskia's Long story you may edit it if you want. I originally said that she died due to cord accident but found out today that the cause is actually unknown.

You truly are an awesome and fantastic person. Take care and have joy in your heart Gypsy.

In June 1998 we found out that we had got the posting, we had applied for, to Nowra, NSW, Australia. Dad went away to Ohakea for a course and while he was away we decided that while we were in Australia it would be a good time to have our second baby. So I stopped taking the pill and started on Folic for a healthy baby.

Not long after we arrived in Australia the Squadron went on an exercise to Darwin and Perth, for 6 weeks. The night before Dad left, October 21st, we made you.

On the morning of November the 4th I did a home pregnancy test and confirmed that our second, much wanted, and already much loved baby was on the way.

Our neighbour, Carla, was the second person to know about you because I was so excited I had to tell someone! This was the day that Dad was transferring from Darwin to Perth. I rang the MFC and asked him to pass on a message to Dad.... "Congratulations."

That day Kieran and I went into town and brought you your baby diary and a pair of sunny yellow shorts, Kieran chose a toy for you. I wrote the first entry in your diary that afternoon....

In the beginning you made me feel very tired and I had to keep eating all day or I felt sick. We had our first visit with the Midwives on the 18th of November. Their names are Lois and Meg. All was well with me and I guess you too. We were planning to have a home birth with you.

Dad and I are having on-going discussions about what to call you if you are a boy. It took us a very long time to agree on Kieran's name so we had to start thinking about this early or we may not have had one by the time you were born. Our girls name was already decided, Saskia Caitlin Ann.

On the 20th of November we brought your blue baby blanket, the one you are buried with, it matches Kieran's.

We saw you for the first time on the 27th of November, this was your first ultrasound. Dad and Kieran came with me and we videotaped it. We could see your little heart beating away. The ultrasound estimated your age at 8 weeks and 3 days which made you due on the 6th of July, which is about what I thought.

We had a midwife appointment on the 13th of January and we heard your little heartbeat for the very first time, it was extremely cute.

Around the 24th of January, (16 weeks), I thought I could feel you moving but I wasn't too sure as you were too little to make much impact. By the 2nd of February I was sure it was you though. I could tell you were already getting into a routine of waking and sleeping. You woke up in the morning with me. Then again in the afternoon when I was giving Kieran his pre-afternoon sleep breastfeed. And in the evening when I settled down on the couch to watch TV or when I went to bed this was your most active time.

You were certainly a lot more active than Kieran ever was, like a wee disco dancer.

We had a bit of a scare with you on the 5th of February, I thought I was going into Labour but it all settled down ok.

March 22nd was our second ultrasound and what a strange baby you were.... You had lots and lots of space but instead of taking advantage of all that room you were lying transverse, with your back squashed up against the very top of my uterus. You had your legs firmly crossed and try as she might (and she did) the ultrasonographer couldn't see what sex you were. Once again we took a video though Dad had a hard job doing it as Kieran was not being very co-operative.

On the 13th of March we went to Canberra for the day. That is when we got your little black and white Tiger (the one you have with you now). We got it at the National Aquarium.

You got more and more active as time went on Dad and I would lie in bed at night and watch you wriggling around. If I snuggled up too close to Dad you would kick him in the back!

By the end of March we had you basinet all set up and made waiting for you, in our room. We put all your special new stuff in it and Kieran was really keen to play with your toys.

Over Easter weekend we went away up North and we chose a top and a pair of trousers for you at Pumpkin Patch. That weekend we also won a pack of baby toiletries and massage oil. Dad used it to massage my back, it smells really lovely I think you would have liked it.

The squadron left for Perth on the 12th of May. Fortunately the decision was made that Dad would stay back. Which is lucky as otherwise he would not have been here when we found out you had died.

Sunday the 9th of May was Mother's Day and I got a lovely card from you and Kieran. We also went to the Parent and Child Show up in Sydney. We got some cool stuff for you including a very special red, black and white play-mat and a ladybird.

Towards the end of the pregnancy you were really taking a toll on my back and my hips. So I started going to the Chiropractor. On the 22nd of May your big brother got very sick he had a Gastric Flu and I was up all night with him as he was throwing-up all the time.

On the Monday I got the flu too so we were quite worried about you. Lois came and checked me out but everything seemed ok. I had another Midwife appointment a couple of days later and once again we were both well.

On Wednesday the 2nd of June I sat on the couch with Dad and we felt your hiccups. I can't remember if you were very active that night, or not.

The next day I said in your baby diary that you had been very quiet. I didn't really think about just how quiet until I was sitting on the couch that evening. I mentioned to Dad that I couldn't remember you moving at all that day. We went to bed and you still didn't start-up.

That was an awful night I woke up many times holding my belly and willing you to move, but you never did.

In the morning I rang Lois. She came over, I lay down on the floor and she tried to find your heartbeat. She couldn't, so we went onto the hospital to use a better machine. Still no joy, we were pretty sure by then that you had died. An ultrasound that afternoon confirmed it.

After the ultrasound we went and bought you an outfit to wear when you were born, it was a white Peter Rabbit suit which would be nice and soft on your skin. Then we went home and made travel plans for our trip home to New Zealand.

On Saturday, Harky came at 3:30am to drive up to Sydney Airport with us. We checked in at 6:00 am and our flight left Sydney at 8:00am. It took 3hrs to get to New Zealand. When we arrived Glenys and Natalia were there to meet us, it was 1:00pm NZ time.

We drove straight from the airport to Waikato Hospital Delivery suite. Dad went on to Te Aroha to settle Kieran in at Aunty Kathy's and I was admitted to the ward.

Later that night Dad came back and they gave me the first dose of gel to induce our labour. On Sunday there were two more doses of gel and in between times Dad and I went out to Spotlight to get some special material for your photos.

On Sunday afternoon Grandad, Sylvia, Sam and Finn arrived from Christchurch. On Monday there was another dose of gel and Dad and I went out with Nana to Pumpkin Patch to buy you a hat and get some lunch. In the end we got your hat from Farmers. It was Purple with Winnie the Pooh on it. Dad stayed that night in the hospital with us.

On Monday night things really started to happen. They tried to break your waters and they didn't think they were successful until I stood up and found that they definitely were! After that they put the drip in and started up the Syntocinon to get the contractions going. Our Midwife that night was Sherina. At about 11:00pm it was starting to get a little sore so I had an Epidural. From then on I slept on and off and so did Dad.

My fingers were starting to swell up so at around 4:30am I asked for someone from the emergency department to come and cut off my ring which was getting sore. At 5:30am I was starting to get really sore so I had an extra dose of Epidural.

I think this was transition, because after that I started to get kind of uncomfortable and disorientated. I told Sherina I thought she had better have a look she did and sure enough I was 10 cm dilated and there was your...arm! I'm not sure if you know this or you were just trying to be difficult but babies are supposed to come head first. The registrar came to see if she could put your arm back so that you would come out the right way but she couldn't. So I held your hand until 10 minutes or so later when you slid easily out, with one big push. It was 6:03am.

A girl, Saskia Caitlin Ann.

You had the cord very tightly around your neck twice we thought that this was why you died, but there are no answers to that question.

After you were born I held you and then Sherina cut the cord. After that Grandad came in to see you. Then we weighed and measured you. You weighed 5lb 2oz (2330gms), your head circumference was 29cm, and you were 47cm long. Sherina took swabs from you.

Then I washed and dressed you. You wore a little nappy, a hospital gown, white Peter Rabbit suit, and your Winnie the Pooh hat which was just right.

Then we took lots of photos of you especially your tiny hands and feet. We also took video of you. Then I put on your little white socks and wrapped you in your blue blanket.

Then Dad had a cuddle with you.

After that lots more people came to visit. Nana, Sylvia, Sam and Finn, Aunty Kath and Trudy, Christine, Dawn, David and your big brother, Kieran. There were lots more photo's.

During the day Dad and I had lots of time with you. We got you a wee pair of booties from the hospital family care room. The lady gave them to Dad for free because she had, had a baby die as well.

Glenda from the funeral directors came and picked you up at about 3:30pm.

After that Dad and I went into town and brought you another outfit for your funeral. We got it at Pumpkin Patch it was green with little black spirals on it. Then we went and got you some flowers, I chose Paper Whites and Pink Tulips. I promise to get you some every year for your birthday.

After that we went home to Nana's.

The next day Kerry, the other funeral director, brought you to Nana's in your Casket. We had it open in the lounge so people could visit with you and see you and say hello. We put one of your nicest photo's alongside it. During this time you got some books, teddy bears and some other special gifts from your family.

You have three very special things with you. A letter from Dad. A pounamu from Chris and Teresa, they gave us two identical ones, I wear the other one every day. The final thing is a little silver bracelet. You remember how I had to get my ring cut off during the labour, well that ring was a silver Russian wedder, which means it is three rings intertwined, Dad gave it too me for Valentines Day 1997. One of the rings is your bracelet and Dad and I each have one too.

On Thursday night you slept in the room with me and Dad. On Friday I took you out of your casket and took you outside. I showed you lots of things like the flowers and the cat. We took some more photos of us as a family.

On Friday the 11th the Funeral Directors arrived at 3:00pm to drive you to Te Aroha Cemetery. Grandy and Uncle Eric are also buried there and we will be there with you one day.

We had a short service for you delivered by the Anglican minister and then Dad and Grandad lowered you into your grave. Everyone had a smiley face to give you and Sylvia, Grandad, Sam and Finn gave you big silver stars. Some people left flowers for you.

After that Dad, Kieran and I drove up Mt Te Aroha and we talked about you and what life would be like without you. Then we went back to Nana's everyone was there. We gave a little speech and then we cut your birthday cake. It was chocolate and it had little white Daisy's all over it, a 0 candle, and Saskia in gold letters. Then we had a toast to you.

Before we left Te Aroha to go back to New Zealand we came to see you a couple more times and we brought you some flowers from nana's garden. And we said Good-bye, for now at least.

Entry 12/19/99:

Hello, I have just spent some time at shareatlanta, it is so nice to visit again with the opportunity to spend some time!! I have recently met with Lynda from Goulburn, she is lovely and expecting a new family member in January. I can't wait to meet and spoil their new baby.

It is taking us a while to concieve this time around. But having talked to Dr Collins I am armed and ready to manage the pregnancy in a way that suits ME! I've attached some photo's of Sask, one of which is with Les (dad) and Kieran (big brother)All the best for christmas and 2000 and beyond.

My sons story starts out very happy and exciting. I have 2 daughters and had tried for 7 months to become pregnant. This was to be our last child.

At 18 weeks it was discovered that during a routine blood test that there was an elevated number possibly suggesting downs syndrome. My husband and I started to prepare ourselves for whatever the future held for us and our baby. As it turned out we had an amniocentesis and the results were "healthy baby boy."

The boy being a bonus because even though I had no preference, I know in my heart my husband prayed for a son to carry on his name. Things started to calm down and we were busy preparing for our son.

I had gone shopping and also had his room done by 20 weeks. My son started to move inside of me at the appropriate time, but I always wondered why he never moved as much as my girls or kick as strongly.

It got to the point that I would be lucky to feel one light movement at night and then a some point that stopped also. All during this time I kept questing the Drs. concerning the lack of movement and they assured me that he was healthy and growing right on schedule. They said he was just probably calm.

At 32 weeks I became scared when I didn't feel him move for a few days and went to the Drs. office for a fetal heart monitoring. I was monitored for 1 1/2 hours and his rate was right up there and even when it peaked and I should have felt him move, I didn't, so I just felt that maybe it was me or the placenta was right in front and thats why I couldn't feel him.

By the time I was 34 weeks, I was back in the office again because I had this really strange feeling that I couldn't shake that something was not right. Again his heart rate was monitored, but this time it did decelerate a few times down to 80. I felt this was not right, but was again assured that he was fine.

I never felt OK with the Drs. saying that it was OK to drop to 80, but they acted as if I was crazy for questioning them. A few days after that I was at work and felt as if I was having a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. I left work and immediatly called the Drs. office and explained what had happened and was told the Dr. could do nothing for me and would not excuse me from work.

I repeatedly called the office that day and was put off by the staff and was told the Dr. would talk to me at my next appointment, which wasn't until 10 days later. My son died that day.

I had to carry him for the 10 days. I was his tomb. When I finally went to my appt. and they discovered that he had died, they started to cover their tracks.

I was induced the next morning and delivered my son, Joseph Sebastian, that afternoon. His birth was the same as my daughters, the only difference being I never heard him cry or got to look in his eyes.

As my son was born, it became evident why he never moved. His cord was twisted repeatedly and was wrapped around his neck and also his torso. It was very thin, like a telephone cord.

We had a beautiful memorial service for him and he is buried in the angel section of the cemetery. I visit him often and miss him desperatly.

My heart will always ache for my son and for his sisters who will also miss out on growing up with their brother. I can never forgive the Drs. for dismissing my concerns, and have taken steps concerning them also. I miss you Baby Joey, Love Mommy

My husband and I moved to Georgia in January of 1999. In April, right before my 31st birthday I got pregnant with our first child. We were so excited because we have been married for seven years and had been waiting and planning for the time when we would be ready to have a baby. I got pregnant the first time I tried.

In August I went to my doctor for my five month appointment and first ultrasound. My husband was with me when the ultrasound technician informed us our baby had died.

It was the most devastating thing either of us has ever been through. I went to the hospital, had labor induced and after 32 hours our baby was born with his umbilical cord wrapped around his neck three times tightly.

My doctors ran every test you can think of - autoimmune, infection, chromosome and everything came back normal. As rare as they say it is, it appears that our baby died from an umbilical cord accident.

I have looked all over the internet and the Share Atlanta site and I talked with Dr. Collins in Louisiana about his reasearch on cord accidents. He feels certain that is what happened in our case.

My question to you all is this - being new to Atlanta I don't know much about the doctors here. I feel that I received wonderful care from my current doctors, but I was wondering if anyone might know of an Atlanta doctor who might be especially good about pregnancy after miscarriage and hopefully knowledgeable about umbilical cord accidents. I asked Dr. Collins if he knew of any doctors in this area and unfortuntately he didn't. If anyone here could advise me or provide a recommendation my husband and I would really, really appreciate it. Thank you so much, Gretchen Larson

Jade was born at 37 weeks with the cord around her neck. We knew she was gone from the sonogram the night before at the hospital. This little angel weighed 7 lbs .4 ozs and was 20 1/2 inches long.

I miss her more than words can say....

This is something I tell myself when I think of Shelby. And it makes me feel a little better. It doesn't help my desperate feelings of wanting to hold her and kiss her sweet little face. Those feelings will never go away, even if I live to be 100.

We are the proud parents of three. We have a daughter who is 11 and a son who is 9, and our precious Shelby who will remain a baby forever.

We found out we were pregnant in April of 1999, and our due date was to be November 30th. We were so very excited.

The kids helped their father paint the nursery and we had gotten everything ready for Shelby's big arrival. How could we have known that we would never bring her home?

I have said that my birthday, October 26th, was the last "happy" day that I had. We found out on the 27th that Shelby had died and then she was born on the 28th.

Now when I think about saying that, it sounds insensitive and I regret saying it. I have different feelings now that I am moving through the grieving process.

I look at the 28th and I don't feel "unhappy" anymore. That was the day that I finally got to meet our Shelby. And the day that I held her for the first..and last time. That day had it's unhappy moments, but the happiness that I felt when I finally got Shelby in my arms is indescribable.

Oh, how I wish for that day back again. I relive it over and over in my mind. No, October 26th was not my last "happy" day, but it was the last day of the "normal life" that I had always known. Things were changed forever when I learned Shelby had died.

Her movement had changed, and even though I thought I was feeling her move (I now know those feelings weren't her at all), I knew it was not enough activity to be normal.

When I went in to get checked out we weren't able to find a heartbeat. I was devastated, as were my husband and children.

We had prepared in every way that we could for her arrival, and now we would have to prepare to live without her. I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done, to give birth to her and never see her alive.

She was born silently into this world on October 28th, at 6:12 PM. It was immediately obvious that it was a cord accident that had caused her death. It was around her neck twice.

She weighed 4lb 10oz. Just 1 oz less than her big sister! She had dark hair just like her daddy. She had a dark complexion like her brother. She had a "pug" nose like her sister. And she had the reddest lips. I know I'll never forget how she looked in my arms. I said one day that she had her daddy's hair, her brother's complexion and her sister's nose, and nothing of mine. Then my daughter spoke up and said, "You don't know, Mama, maybe she has your eye-color." Yes, that's what I will believe! She has her mama's eyes.

It has been 6 weeks since our Shelby was taken from us and I'm not going to lie and say it's been an easy 6 weeks. But it has gotten easier for us all.

One thing that has helped me tremendously is the support groups such as this one. I feel comfort in writing and sharing Shelby's memory with all of you. I am determined to keep her memory alive in our hearts and in the hearts of others.

Each time a person reads this story or any other one that I've written, then they are thinking of my precious Shelby. Her life was oh so short, but it was a very important life, as all are.

Her purpose we will probably never know, but I feel blessed for the honor of being able to carry her in me and for the joy that she brought while she was here.

I deal with my grief by talking about her...ALL of the time. My family is so good to listen to me talk and say the same things over and over and over...And they still listen just as if they're hearing it all for the first time.

I have put her pictures out in our home and I look at them and force myself to think happy thoughts. My hope is that one day I won't have to be forceful, that the happy thoughts will just come on their own.

I can tell that I'm getting there, slowly but surely. Sometimes I can look at her and smile...and then the pain of missing her overtakes me.

The Lord has blessed me with wonderful family, friends and support groups. My doctor is terrific. I can't say enough good things about him and the support that he has given us through all of this.

Faith and prayer are so very important at this time. Keep your chin up and pointed to the Lord. He will lift you up and get you through this difficult time in your life.

I know that I've got a long way to go. As anyone that's been where we are will tell you, it's a process that we have to go through. It's two steps forward and three steps back. But maybe you can find comfort in knowing that people have been down this terrible path of grieving the loss of their child and they have lived to tell about it. And we will, too.

Entry #2..a few days later...:

Thank you so much for your response! It helps me so much to have people to share my experience with, but it helps even more to have people to respond to me and know what I'm feeling and offer their views. At first I felt like I was the only soul on earth and no one could ever relate to how I was feeling. Now I've learned that there are so many people that know EXACTLY how I feel.

And even though I'm sorry for their loss, I'm thankful that we all have each other to use as our "sounding boards". It's so hard to talk to people that have never been through our experience. Some of them try so very hard, but they just can't understand us.

Thank you, again. I have found so much comfort in being able to write my feelings down.