A letter, by Marcia McGinnis, supporting attendance to our groups:

Should I or shouldn't I attend a group? Confusion is part of the grief process.

Every month, as the time for our Women’s group draws near, I begin to think about those who have either visited our group or shared with us “online” or both. As time passes, I know that grieving parents have conflicting feelings. They look at the calendar and see that it has been a certain length of time since their loss, and they wish to be “healed” because it hurts so much. Often they want that so much that they deny their true feelings of pain. In that denial, they may not seek out the very support that might help them to continue to heal.

Group time comes and they might be “feeling good” or “feeling poorly.” They may question attending for fear that by discussing their situation they might suffer more, but they are not really sure. If they have missed a few meetings, it may seem awkward to visit again. Or they just don’t seem to have the energy to come. How confusing!

Every group meeting is slightly different,

... depending on who attends and what the topic of the evening is, but the goal of each meeting is to support a parent so s/he can work through the confusion surrounding grief. By definition the period of grieving causes confusion and a drain on our energy levels.

By making friends, you are no longer alone on your journey...

What most parents who join us for several meetings realize, is that over a period of time they begin to understand that they are not alone in their confusion and pain and that by joining us they learn how to work through these reactions and feelings. It is a relief and comfort to talk to others who really understand because they have been right there and can give support for surviving these difficult times. By coming to several meetings they make friends who they can call and relate to. There begins to be a level of comfort and outreach to each other that makes this difficult journey a little easier.

As you heal, your outreach helps others...

Also, in the continuation that our parent-lead group works towards: as an individual heals and reaches a degree of "acceptance" they can be of great help to others who are closer to their loss. They now have something to give back to the group. They most likely gained support and insight from others who were further down the road than they were when they attended their first few meetings. They can be that kind of help to others. This very outreach is what makes our group so special and unique.

Having group meetings is a blessing...

I am writing this to let you know that we do care. I do understand your confusion—I have lived it myself. I have many emails from people who wish that their area had a local support group because they really would like to make friends with others who would understand. I am glad that SHARE Atlanta can offer “live” groups to those in the Atlanta area.

We are here when you need us...

Whether you join us or not, I do think of each of you, and hope that you know that we are here if you need us. You are important to us, that is the reason we keep SHARE Atlanta alive. While others don’t totally comprehend your efforts to survive the loss of your baby, we do understand every moment of your walk.

Last Friday I misscarried at 20wks. Due to having complete placenta previa, I was unable to deliver my baby - they felt the risk to my life was too great. So, they did a D&E instead, which meant the remains were directly sent to pathology.

I have found numerous resources on how to cope with 1st trimester miscarriages and 2nd & 3rd trimester stillbirths, but nothing that addresses situations like mine. Can you recommend any links or resources?

Thanks,

Michelle

Marcia's comments:
Dear Michelle,

I am sorry about your loss at twenty weeks. There is information about placenta previa under our Medical Links under High Risk - placental issues and concerns. One such link is: http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/830.html

When we talk about our losses we think first about how far along we were and then about the reason for our loss and about the grieving process. If you were to share your story for our site we would include it under Sharing Stories, Our Experience/ Midterm Loss/Known Cause. If you were to join us in our groups you would find others, as online, who have had Midterm losses for various reasons.

After a loss, many of us want to learn all we can about the reason for our loss. That is why we include Medical links on our website. We encourage people to educate themselves all that can about the cause (if they know what it is), and discuss it with their doctor (or a doctor who they find will address their EVERY concern).

We also encourage parents to "give themselves permission to grieve" no matter how far along in their pregnancy. Every loss is traumatic and the loss of a child-to-be. Coping and healing after a loss is about dealing with the loss of your baby and not necessarily focused on the kind of loss you experienced.

I see that you are located in the Atlanta area. (I have had parents come to my Women's group from Buford.) If you haven't already, call our number, and we will send you a Parent's Packet from our local group. Enclosed in that are some brochures about grief and our groups (where they meet and when), a suggested reading list, and our newsletter. You will receive a years subscription to our newsletter, at no cost to you. Our angel garden with memorial bricks to remember your baby is in Sandy Springs at Arlington Memorial Park. Many parents find it very healing to visit the garden. There is a memorial pathway for parents to include their special baby's name or loving thoughts about their baby in either a memorial brick for the pathway or in a keepsake brick (for your home). You can see pictures of it on our site (under Angel of Hope) and in our packet.

The website is full of information about coping, three sections focus on this: "The First 24 Hours and Later," "Coping Ideas," and "Allowing Grief to Happen to Heal." They are based on my own experience with quotes from entries made on the site to validate this process called grief and the process of coping to heal.

Note from Marcia Feb. 6, 2004: Janna was a very important link in an in-service that SHARE Atlanta held on Feb. 5th at Rockdale County Hospital. She spoke from the perspective of a "caregiver" and as a parent. Her contribution was very meaningful.