They usually hear about and see mementos for these babies as they grow up. At some point, depending on the individual child, they ask to know more about him. They most often hear the story as sad and, briefly, reflect these feelings. Then the mementos and pictures(if you have some) become very special. Sometimes, they want to do something for this baby. Let them!

Processing all the information will take weeks and years

Your child will probably bring different points out over a period of time. As we have already suggested, be honest in what you share and open to communicating about your baby that died. For many of us, we continue to grow and change as our child(ren) does. Marcia McGinnis 4/97

Our son had talked about having a brother and sister every now and then. One summer I was having medical problems and did not know how it would come out. So I thought I would tell him about his two brothers and sister he did have that were in Heaven. He was eight, and I thought he should know. We had lost them in miscarriage before he was born. We have an Christmas ornament for each baby with their name and date on it, and we talked about these with him.

Later, at Easter, we were dyeing eggs. We always write everyone's name on an egg, even the dog and cat! Our son wanted to put stickers on the eggs, and when he came to the "brother and sister" stickers he said, "I am going to put Brother and Sister on an egg for my brother and sister." I was surprised he thought of it, because it had been a long time since we had talked about them. I told him I thought that was very nice and was pleased he had thought of it. He also said "I want to do it every year." As I put the eggs in a basket, I noticed that he had two brothers and one sister egg. I realized that he had really understood what I had told him.

Sometimes we don't think children understand about our losses and our feelings around these losses, but they do. I think it made him feel better knowing about having brothers and a sister since he ofter asked for some. Catherine D.