2/17/05 ~ Seven months and counting...and a Subsequent Pregnancy!

Seven months and counting... Well, so tomorrow is the 18th. It has been seven months since I lost my precious son, CJ. I am feeling slightly better about everything but there is something else that has happened as well. Marcia, I am pregnant again.

I am around 7 weeks. I am scared to death. I think I talk more to CJ about this baby than I actually talk to this child growing inside of me.

My feelings are so jumbled up and confused. One minute I am so excited I can't control my happiness and the next minute, I am sobbing hysterically over CJ and the fear of losing this baby as well.

My husband and I have made a decision that if this pregnancy is not successful, we are going to stop trying and possibly have a medical procedure done to guarantee we won't go through the pain again. Even that has me concerned. What if things go wrong and then we decide later we want a baby, but it is too late. I can't help but be concerned, right?

I focus on CJ and my pregnancy with him as I think about the future of this pregnancy too. I remember the major moments with CJ and smile. I loved his little kicks and the flips he would give as if to say, "Hi Mommy!" How I have longed for those little movements and now there is a chance I will be feeling the same things again in a couple of months.

How am I supposed to feel about this? I am so confused. I miss my baby boy every day and yet, I know if it had not been for his death, I would not be pregnant again so soon. I am saddened that I lost him and afraid that if I don't snap out of this, I am going to resent this baby just a little. Does that make any sense?

I mean, yeah I love this baby already and pray constantly that everything will go the way it is supposed to but... THERE IS FEAR!!! Fear of the unknown and fear of the known. I just don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, thanks for the site and listening to me rant about my conflicted emotions. HUGS and PRAYERS to ALL, CJ's Mommy Crystal

Marcia's thoughts:

I hear your fear...I know it is very normal to have fear and you are right at that 4 to 7th month around the loss of CJ and it can be hard as well. Though, typically, 7 to around 10 becomes easier up to the anniversary time. Anniversary time is difficult.

I want to ask you...are you seeing a specialist? I didn't know you were planning another pregnancy right now or I would have suggested that seeing one might calm the fear. I think it is best to see one and "consult" about how you will move through your next pregnancy to keep it going.

With your early losses (an infertility specialist- obviously you are not infertile, but these doctors help keep pregnancies going as well as help in getting pregnant). It would be best to see a specialist that deals with those kinds of issues. You are so early that you might benefit from seeing one even though you are pregnant. That way hormone levels can be checked and other possible road blocks can be lifted if there seems to be any.

There is one that we all really think a lot about. His name is Dr. Toledo. I believe that so many of SHARE Atlanta babies are here because of him. He specializes in miscarriage and ectopic loss issues. He could reassure you around helping your body to stabilize to carry this baby. I admire him very much. He recommends SHARE Atlanta to his patients that need us!

Some people don't want extra support, but I believe that many of our fears are fears of the unknown. If we have a plan and a doctor who is supporting us, then we often can release our fears and at least breathe. We need a doctor who will support us day and night and who we can call without fear of being made to feel silly for calling - day or night about any detail.

Marcia, My fear is just one of the many things I think about constantly. My son would be 3 months old if he would have been born on time and survived. Let's just say that I think about that a lot. I am doing better with my grieving but at the same time, I am worried about whether or not I will be (strange as this sounds) resentful of the baby on the way.

It is weird to think about another baby growing inside of me, even though I saw the heartbeat on Wednesday, March 2nd. It was just as sweet as when I got to hear my little angel, CJ. It helped make this pregnancy real, but it also made me realize that I am comparing every aspect with my pregnancy with CJ. I know that is not a good idea or a healthy thing to do.

As for your question, I am seeing a specialist. He is an ob/gyn specializing in infertility and high risk pregnancy. He does address my past pregnancies and is taking every precaution with this baby's life. He didn't even have me as an ob patient until he made sure that my progesterone levels were adequate to carry a pregnancy and that my hcg levels were climbing.

Everything is going smoothly with the physical side of the pregnancy. His nurses are the ones who handle my emotional status. They know that I am a terrified mother, and that I have a lot of questions and will not stop until I get my answers replied to. As far as the cerclage issues goes, we're waiting to discuss that at my next appointment. Like you say, my losses (besides CJ) were early and Dr. Nassar is addressing those first. We are taking this pregnancy one step at a time.

And for the record, I was not exactly planning on getting pregnant so soon. In fact, I had an endometrial biopsy done a week and 1/2 before I found out I was pregnant. Talk about shocked! I just didn't feel right when I was a few days late so I took the hpt and it was a BIG +++++++!

I am now according to my dates: 9 weeks today but according to the baby's size on the ultrasound, 7 1/2 weeks. Either way I still have a long way to go before I will relax.

I appreciate the ear you lend because sometimes I feel as if no one understands at all. It is as if people think that just because I am pregnant again, that I miss CJ less and have "gotten over" his death. WHY do people assume that? I hate the way even my closest loved ones act.

Truly I appreciate all of the support you have given me and I will gladly take all the prayers that are sent up for me. I am not even sure if I will be able to relax until I am holding this little one in my arms after he/she is born and at home with me.

I know that there will be things that remind me of my loss of CJ and the other angels that I never will be able to do for them. I will continue to email and ask for guidance. You can definitely count on that. I will keep you updated! Thanks for everything and BIG HUGS, Crystal

Marcia's thoughts:

I am soooooo glad you are seeing a specialist. It calms my heart and mind down so much. I have been thinking about you and praying that you would seek support...and you already have. Thank goodness. You know that my door is always open to support you in any way I can.

I am glad your doctor. is checking and keeping up with your progesterone. It is so important to do that through week 12 (the placenta takes over then). Having the nurses behind you as well is great. You are doing absolutely the right thing by my book. I never hesitated to call and ask...no manner what time of day or night if I was afraid. Others in our group are the same. As I just wrote to Angela on her diary...we are the protectors of ourselves, our baby-to-be and our family to be. That is all we can ask of ourselves.

Fear is normal, but knowing that we have "our bases covered" is very helpful in calming ourselves. It is when we are out there "all alone" that fear really can get to us. You are not alone. Of course, I know you have your faith as well...and I don't think I could make it without mine.

Every mom is afraid that they will not have enough love "to go around" for the next baby (even when we have living children) and all of us find that we do. Comparing one pregnancy (one child) with another is normal, but I hold to the fact that no two are the same.

I tell my sons that I love them both equally but differently because they are different. Every pregnancy is usually different as well. We do compare (at times) just to do reality checks, (and if we have had conditions with a previous pregnancy we need to make sure we are watching and caring for that), but then it is wise to let the child or the current pregnancy stand on its own. I am glad you are asking the questions...others ask them, too. We are, after all, human. To ask and to know we are thinking as wise.

Yes, I remember everyone always thinking because I was pregnant again I was "okay" and "over" my loss. Whew...I think it is because they so WANT us to be okay again. Well, we will survive and we want to be joyful (and for most of us there is joy mixed in with our fears).

Being "over" our loss is something else all together. We are coping, wanting our baby (s) that died, and wanting to believe in the one we are carrying. I didn't REALLY feel safe until I had that child at home and in the room WITH me. Even then, (at times) I kept thinking the "real" mom would come and I was really just babysitting. After some real mommy time..it became wonderfully real, and I knew it was my new reality!!!

Yes, the baby will remind you of what you don't have. But, I also knew that they all were one in so many ways. I wouldn't have the two I have if the other three had lived (time wise) and I couldn't realize a world without those two. So, I love them all and thank them all for being part of my world.

It is not how I had it planned (what a concept!), but it is what is...and today I feel very blessed. The understanding of the blessings took time for me to grasp, but, then, so did having my/our family and struggling to cope with each reality that came my way.

Thank you for asking the questions. I hope these thoughts make some sort of sense. I know it is confusing to be walking this path. It is your path...but others have had similar walks and together we can manage our walk through.

Keep me posted and, again, know I am thinking and praying for you. Did you see that Angela is almost there?!?!? I posted her latest diary entry today.

Marcia, I guess I should have told you about my doctor being a specialist before, huh? Sorry about that! He has me taking Prometrium twice daily (a dosage of 200 mgs) until week 14. He said that will be around the time that the placenta has taken over and that we can move onto the next problem (the incompetent cervix).

As for his nurses, there is one that I speak with more than the others and that is because she is so supportive. She has been such a wonderful person to talk to/with, especially when I am having a bad day. She knows about the stress from all aspects of my life and is always very supportive and kind, not to mention a little protective as far as insensitive people go.

Angela is so close and I am so excited for her. She has been a godsend. I swear, it is as though God said okay, this is who I want Crystal talking to. There are so many similarities in our stories and lives that it is a little bit eery.

Your words make me feel so peaceful because I know that others truly understand. That is the best feeling. I have a sister-in-law who just suffered a m/c a month or so ago. Would you believe that she said talking to me made her feel better? I felt saddened by the knowledge that she is going through something I know the pain of but it made me feel as if my kids were helping me to be "there" for her.

To answer your question about doing a journal. Sure, I would love to. If I could help one person the way that you and Angela have helped me, it would be worth it. I feel priviledged to be asked. I don't know how often I will be able to update but sure!

Marcia's thoughts:

I am relieved that you are under a specialists care - they can make all the difference for us. I hope you are doing well.

I do believe that your sister -in-law would find your words and friendship very supportive. You have much to give. I am glad that you have been able to "be there" for her.

Did you read that Angela's son arrived? She called me two hours after he came and she sounded soooo happy and relieved. I hope to have a picture of him on the site soon.

My thoughts are with you...let your thoughts continue to ramble....they are good ones.

4/22/05 ~ I Survived - 9 Months Later and a Subsequent Pregnancy!

Well, it has been nine months since CJ passed away. I can't believe it has been that long already. It still feels like yesterday at times. I know that some people think that just because I am pregnant again that I should be over this loss. Sometimes, I just want to smack someone upside the head for saying stupid things like that. I mean, would they get over losing a child? Could they ever really feel safe and happy carrying another baby? I miss my little boy more than ever. I think about what could be and I just want to cry.

My darling little boy would be so beautiful and sweet. I have figured up that he would be about 15 months old when this baby gets here. I don't know if I can ever really enjoy this child without thinking about CJ's absence. There are times I just want to pretend this pregnancy is the one I had with him. I was so happy about him and I am terrified this time around.

I didn't mean to get pregnant so soon but I am and now, I just wish it was with him again. I am afraid to bond with this child. NINE MONTHS? His birthday is coming up right after Mother's Day and Father's Day. Marcia, how will I ever get through these next few months? So many things to deal with and now the new baby too? I don't get the cerclage and I could lose this baby too. HELP!!!

Marcia's thoughts:

I think that you might need to see another doctor. I am not totally comfortable with what this doctor is saying...and it seems that he is not listening to you. How far are you now? It seems as though you need another opinion.

I just put a link to Mother's Day poems and thoughts...that is what our meeting was about on Wed. It might help you to visit these pages. I know that this time is so very difficult...and with Charles' birthday coming right up...you can do this..it is hard, I know. Please visit with others here and these pages will offer you more support for the upcoming - very hard - holidays.

Here is a note that I just sent another one of our moms...it is never too late to hunt for the doctor that will support you, Crystal... (I gave Crystal doctor and mom names for her to think through...I will not post them here because they are shared "when asked for." If you are reading this and would like some more support with this type of help, please email me.)

7/21/05 ~ Wow! I survived the first year...

Well, the 1 year "angel"versary date came and went. Al and I went to the cemetary and put new flowers on my darling little boy's headstone. I was truly surprised at the intensity of grief I felt as I sat there, thinking about last year and the excitement I had felt about his birth. It was still quite an emotional rollercoaster for me that day.

NO ONE REMEMBERED but Al and me. I was blown away that not even the grandparents, who so badly wanted him, asked how we were doing that day. I was hurt and a little angry about that. I felt as if my heart was going to fall out of my chest all over again and yet, for everyone else, the world continued to turn.

I guess because I am pregnant again, everyone expects me to be okay and move on and forget CJ. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!! Al and I still tell him Goodnight and we love him every night before bed. Some people might think that is weird but that is something we are going to do, even after our little Hope gets here. I am planning on having her say it too, once she is old enough to understand.

I still think about him all the time and cry for what could've been and if that makes me strange or stuck in grief, as I have been told, so be it. I love my little boy and it doesn't mean that I will make Hope feel inadequate or unloved. IT just means that I LOVE MY SON and always will.

Sorry to rant but I have had some very cruel things said lately to me because I still bring up CJ and that pregnancy, even though I am pregnant again. Well, sue ME!!!

Marcia's thoughts:

I hear you about other's responses...or lack of and I agree that if you are pregnant again this time it usually is seen as the overriding factor in your life. I know you and Al love CJ and Hope both...and you always will. That is what is important here.

I would definitely say that what you have shared for that first year has sounded like so many of the others who have shared with us. The anniversary brings up many thoughts of the year before and tears are normal. The "what ifs" and "only ifs" often resurface and new regrouping has to take place.

Knowing that we will never forget and our love will always be there can help us a great deal. Planning to do something special that day is important. As always, thank you for your thoughts...

8/29/05 ~ I am now 34 weeks, 2 days...

To update on Hope's progress. I am now 34 weeks, 2 days and have been informed a couple of a hours ago by my doctor that the cerclage will come out on September 12th. She seems to think that we'll be welcoming our daughter then.

My weight gain is under control (thank God for small favors... :-)) and my blood pressure is excellent. I had the glucose test done a few weeks ago and it was good so for the most part, I am in really good health as far as this pregnancy thing goes. I still get a little fearful about the pressure I feel but since I am so close to my due date, I am able to relax some.

I will see my perinatologist for the last time tomorrow. I am happy about that in a way but then again, a little sad because I have gotten so used to getting my ultrasounds every two weeks. By the way, I am using Atlanta Perinatalogy, just like Angela did. I just realized that when I reread her subsequent pregnancy diary... DUH to me!!!

The cerclage has stayed in place and my cervix well within normal ranges but the doctors there told me that without the stitch there was no guarantee, so my opinion is better safe than sorry.

Hope is growing like a little weed and at last month's weigh in: she weighed 3.5 lbs, with an expected growth of close to 2 pounds. So I will definitely write tomorrow and let you know if it was what they said or more. She is a little bit of an overachiever since she measures most times at almost two weeks bigger than average. I will get my pictures together and send you some to include on the page. I am quite pleased with her and the movements I missed so much are NOW beginning to be painful. But as you know, I would not trade a single rib shot or cervix shot for all the money in the world.

We finally got her nursery together this past weekend. I know I was proscratinating but I just could not do it until then. I guess I had to make sure she would be okay. I pulled out CJ's things as well and was proud that I didn't sob uncontrollably. I shed a couple of tears as I repacked them with the things I have received for her (if she was a boy) for the next baby. We are so happy to be this close and know that when I enter that hospital, I will not leave empty handed again. I truly believe that CJ is the guardian angel of his little sister.

Anyway, thank you again for the support over the past 13 months. I don't think I would have survived those difficult times without the kindness and sympathy you gave. This site is a blessing from God and I think you must be one of his "angels on Earth".

Marcia's thoughts: Fearing pressure - well - most anything - is normal! We are so very aware of our bodies as we move through the pregnancy after our losses. It sounds as though you are doing great, though!!

Most of us do wait until just before our baby is born to do or redo the nursery. It seems to be the easiest to do. I, too, felt that my little ones in heaven were the guardian angels of those here on earth. I think it makes all of our children into a very special family.

9/10/05 ~ 2 days shy of the day my cerclage comes out....

I am so beyound excited now that I am only 2 days shy of the day my cerclage comes out. We are thinking that she may decide to make her appearance the same day since she is laying on my pelvic bone and I have been having some pretty strong contractions (strong but not regular). She is at a weight of 5 lbs and 4 oz, as of Tuesday (August 29th). I was so happy to know that I no longer need to see the perinatologist and that I am so close having a child to hold in my arms, as well as in my heart FOREVER.

I still get sad thinking about CJ and what (in my opinion) "should be", but I know that Hope is a gift from him. It is hard to believe that he would be 14 months old just a few days after she is coming. It makes things seem a little surreal.

My cervical length has stayed within limits and the doctor said that we were good to go as soon the ob said so. It was kind of sad though to know there will be no more updates on her progress until the moment I lay eyes on her for the first time.

I haven't gotten the pictures together yet but I will send them sometime soon. Maybe with her first official picture and our family potrait. I am a horrible procrastinator and haven't even put together a photo album (which is to be a surprise for Al) of all the ultrasounds. He has been such a sweetheart throughout this whole pregnancy.

There has been many times that I have felt like I was going insane and once the cerclage was inserted, every little twinge made me question if I had made the right decision. He was able to comfort me and has been wonderful about helping me do things I am not able to do. Housework and the lack of intimacy has not seemed to bother him. He says that it doesn't matter what he has to do or what we can't do because HOPE is worth more than anything in this world.

Losing CJ (as you said men react differently) could have split us apart but instead, we have grown closer than ever. He has not missed a single doctor's appointment and really loved going to the specialist with me. He talks to his daughter and rubs my belly every day and night... sometimes to the point of irritating me.

Thanks for everything...Hope says {a digital rose} this is for keeping her mommy sane throughtout this long process.

Marcia's thoughts: So very close!! It is exciting to know that after so much hard grief work and finding the right medical care, you are about there. It is to your credit that you have perserved through it all. Hope is blessed to have such wonderful parents! I will be eager to hear from you ... as will we all.

I went in on the 14th to have my cerclage removed... OWWW!!! But it was worth all the pain. I went into early labor on the 16th and wasn't dilated so I went home and began the longest week of my life. I went in on the 18th, dilated to one... so back home again to wait. However, we went in to see my doctor on the 19th and found out I was dilated 2 cm and was told to go and walk for an hour and see what happens. So I walked and timed contractions and went back to the office to be told I was at a good 3... So it was induction time!!!

I labored for 13 hours with pitocin and got labor rolling along after having my water broken. At 5 cm I got my epidural and all was right with the world until my blood pressure dropped along with my daughter's heartbeat.

We had a vacuum assisted delivery at 3:49 am on September 20th. There was a slight problem-- the cord was wrapped around Hope's little neck so it took until the 5 minute Apgar to get the "good" prognosis. But she is fine now and we both are healthy.

She weighed 6 lbs, 2.8 oz and was 19 inches long. I am enclosing a picture of my precious little angel. (Also one of the proud Mommy and Daddy).

I feel on top of the world and I know that my darling boy was watching over his little sister from above.

Al and I want to thank you so much for all of the support and love we received during the past 15 months. I could not have made it without you and the SHARE Atlanta website.

I want others to know that they are not alone, and that with the right doctors and support from friends, miracles happen. I finally have a beautiful child that I can hold in my arms and see grow and I never thought it would happen.

Huge Hugs from Crystal, Al, and Hope

*Mommy to Angels #1-Jan. 2000, #2 and #3-Oct. 2000, CJ Shoemaker-July 2004, and Hope- born Sept. 20, 2005

Marcia's thoughts: You sure went through a lot to get Hope here....in so many ways! I am so sorry that so many of our parents have to have additional "issues" upon delivery. Many of us do. I am glad that Hope is fine. My son, Joel, had the cord around his neck as well. He weighed 6 13 and was 19 inches! He is a fine! I worried about the cord with our next two and it didn't get wrapped around their necks.

I love the pictures!! Crystal, Hope is absolutely beautiful and you two look sooooooo happy!! I love happy families.

Yes, I did go through a lot to get my daughter here but you know what: It was so worth all of the pain. I will always miss my CJ, but I know he helped to get Hope to us and for that I love him all the more. I can't wait until she gets older, and I can show her pictures of him and explain how he is part of the reason I have her to love.

Thank you for the kind words. I agree my baby is beautiful and we are beyond happy. I feel like I have received the best gift in the world and that finally I am allowed to keep it. I understand now what you meant by saying that you used to wait for the "real mother" to come and get "her" baby. I still have a hard time believing she is mine; until I move the slightest way too quickly or the wrong way and the incision tugs a little and then I have all the proof I need that I definitely gave birth to her.

Can I just say that bonding with her is absolutely breathtaking, especially when she looks up at me as I feed her? I could not imagine my life without her and she's only been here for 3 weeks tomorrow.