I used to react and speak...

.. somewhat quickly but since Sarah's birth, I have a hitch in my response time. It used to annoy me but I have come to think that maybe stopping a bit to consider what you are going to say a good thing...?!

Reflections on the past...

Someone I did not mention seems very absent when I read my page and other than that....it is perfect. She is/was the chaplain at the IWK/Grace hospital. I talked to her on a regular basis for two years and she was wonderful. I remember her telling me that you "peel back the pages a bit at a time as you are ready." She is one of those people who holds the mirror well. I don't know if she would want me to use her name though, so we won't.

A couple of funny things have happened in the last few weeks that I was not expecting. Our accountant sent back the "books" for the year 1996 for our company and I had to redo them...what a large mess! It wasn't hard to see that my heart was elsewhere when I did those!

Healing...in small steps...

Something else I have given myself permission to do is draw a picture of Sarah as I see her when I dream. I do portraits and have been doing them for a number of years( ...a number of years takes care of anything over twenty years and that way it doesn't sound so ominous!). I always thought of drawing her as a little weird...maybe it is and I just don't care anymore.

Since Sarah's birth, drawing portraits are a burden rather than the pleasure.

They always were (a pleasure), and that was difficult because I couldn't lean on one of my most important coping mechanisms. I used to get up early to draw on workdays before I went to work to have time to draw and to set the pace for my day. On off work days I always spent an hour or so with it. I have really missed it but could not seem to get motivated beyond drawing the odd picture of my own children and that I think I did from guilt.

Sarah's portrait

I was smart enough to take lots of pictures that I can work from though. So I drew my picture of Sarah, and my old urge to draw is coming back! I left the supper dishes to go and work on a sketch and that is a good sign.

The only other picture I was motivated to do was a portrait of the chaplain at the hospital and I have that half done. If I can get the sketch of Sarah scanned I shall send it along in jpg form.

A friend asked if I thought she would really look like "this" and I had to say I didn't know...

..maybe this is my crutch or a soothing image or just my way to cope...I am not sure it matters. It is my expression of affection in the way I know, which, however humanly flawed or imperfect will have to do.

I don't think the particulars are available to me.( I connected to one of your links called Letters to Sarah and I think I have much in common with Jennifer)

Debbie's Drawing of Sarah...



Summer '99....I hope what I have written will help someone and a thought about Relationships...

Reading at this site has helped me immensely. There is support for positive and gentle coping approaches...

After looking at some other sites and reading lists I think I understand why yours is so appealing. Acceptance is one thing and the lack of animosity. I see so much anger which is part of it, but you advocate dealing with it in a gentler manner.

..are just that and positive ways to deal with them are more valuable than "come back' answers which only hurt everyone more. The number of people who actually mean to be difficult is very small indeed.

My mum

.. asked me a bit about the baby while my grandfather was dying and that recognition meant the world. Some people are such that no matter how bad you want them to try and understand, they don't and may never understand. When confronted by what we consider the limitations of others it is hard sometimes to remember that we too have our limitations too, even though we can't always recognize them. We all do the best we can.

We all grieve differently...

My own mum was difficult for me not because she meant to be but because NONE of us know what to do with grief, not because my mother doesn't care about me. So often I see people act on their bad feelings which we all have, and it seems to create more problems...and what can you do but listen? Your site is warm, welcoming and comfortable! I'm clapping!!!

I am really busy which is great...

..school has started again, my baby has started playschool, I have several little projects on the go. I am back to that happy spot where I have more to do than a person can cope with and its all stuff that makes me really happy! I am back to drawing A LOT and am learning how to make a quilt.

I am also mooning over some of my grandparents things that have been given to me and others that I bought. Many years ago my grandmother told me she would like to have every grandchild have something from the house when they are gone.

My grandfather's death has made me remember what she wanted, and I have collected some things to send to everybody. I am hoping to have that ready for Christmas.

I have a fountain pen, some plates, a quilt that my grandmother made eons ago, and a ration spoon with a swastika on the back that my grandfather brought home from the war( it was known as the little spoon and I insisted on using it for desert. My grandfather had taken it from an officer who had surrendered to he and his buddy. Grandfather was a medic during WWII and he told us a lot about it in his later years. I am trying to remember and write down some of the things he told me...).

I am also trying to find some time to paint the picture of Sarah.

Quilts

I put the old quilt on my bed and the kids and I climb under it in the evenings when we "camp" in my room or read together.

We are making our own quilt..

..from old receiving blankets and pieces of flannel. I have been visiting the message board and reading some more stuff at your site.

Everyone loves your comparison of quilting bees being the support groups (See "Allowing Grieving to Happen to Heal")

... of the past and how we have such busy lives that we don't spend much quiet reflective time. I know people who think quiet reflective time is laziness which is sad. I need to think and reflect upon what is important every now and then...even if it is to remind me.

Debbie's Other Children...Sarah's Sister and Brother



November '99...More about the quilt and mementos...

I cut up all the hardly used receiving blankets I had for the kids including the one I had Sarah wrapped in.

They are all flannel and someone told me after I started sewing them together that they are normally made from cotton. I guess mine will just have to be a little bulkier to quilt.

I haven't used a sewing machine in twenty years and that alone is a challenge.(...it actually might have been downright funny to have been a fly on the wall when I started.) It is all soft pinks and purples with a little blue for Logan and it should be cozy. Another week and I should be able to quilt some of it.

Friends from this site...

The other funny little thing was from the page itself. I mentioned a friend of a friend who found few support groups available. She turned out to be Christa Giddens who lives only about ten or fifteen minutes from me. I found her on your page on "Subsequent Pregnancies" which I didn't read for quite some time. She is really motivated to help other people and I believe she will be putting me to work in whatever I can provide her with.

Small small world!!! Her twins and my son are celebrating birthdays this week. And I must say yesterday was wild! (but a good wild).

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